With some fava beans and a nice Chianti

June 9th, 2013 · 24 comments

“It would appear my co-worker is sensitive to her plant being moved,” writes Claire in the U.K.

Move this plant and i will eat your liver. Love Jess xx

Meanwhile, in New York…

To the person that leaves a disgusting mess on the seat. If you don't stop, this person will find you and eat your liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. So cut it out!

And in Baltimore…

PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH This is BBQ HUMAN meat and by eating this you are admitting to the office that you are a cannibal

related: Pigs do not eat bacon

FILED UNDER: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · moving/not moving · not-so-veiled threats · office · office fridge · toilet


24 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Kelly

    Let me be the first to say, that human bbq was fucking delicious.

    Jun 9, 2013 at 9:40 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Angie

      The secret’s in the sauce.

      Jun 9, 2013 at 10:15 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   The Elf

      Tastes like pork.

      Jun 10, 2013 at 7:10 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   redheadwglasses

      Human: The other white meat.

      Jun 10, 2013 at 12:24 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   The Elf

      How racist!

      Jun 10, 2013 at 1:36 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Beatus Mongous

      If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?!?

      Jun 10, 2013 at 2:32 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   pooham

      Human: It’s what’s for dinner.

      Jun 10, 2013 at 2:44 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   Jami

      Can I introduce you to some Soylent Green?

      Jun 10, 2013 at 10:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   Nicki

      Huh, I thought humans counted as “yellow” meat. I mean, if you cut up a cadaver or look at a particularly gory corpse, you’ll see it’s laden with so much adipose tissue and cholesterol that it doesn’t look white *or* red.

      And yeah…regrettably, I have had the dubious pleasure of standing a foot away from a corpse. Fresh, disgusting, and I can no longer wear white tennis shoes for precisely that reason. .___.

      Oct 3, 2013 at 2:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   FeRD bang

    I don’t think they want to eat my liver. It’s been there in the back of the fridge for like 2 months now.

    I’d throw it out, but I’m afraid if I try then it’ll eat me.

    Jun 9, 2013 at 9:47 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   SeeYouInTea

    I just came here to say: if you’re not watching Hannibal the TV show, you should drop everything right now and go watch it. Or else…

    Jun 10, 2013 at 1:26 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   jj

    What happened to the old fashioned kidney punch threat? Why attack the liver?

    Jun 10, 2013 at 7:46 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   nativefloridian

      Most people have a spare kidney, but only one liver.

      Jun 10, 2013 at 10:03 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   My name is Princess!

    I did not know that Simi had a day job in Baltimore. Her Akri Acheron must let her out much more often than I thought.

    Jun 10, 2013 at 8:34 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Ely North

    When will people learn? Threatening cannibalism is not the solution. We know you’re not going to follow through on your threat! Threaten something practical, like kicking balls or drowning pets. It’s a lot more believable.

    Jun 10, 2013 at 9:29 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Frank Chickens

    This Solyent Green BBQ meat is DELICIOUS!

    Jun 10, 2013 at 9:52 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   The Elf

    It would appear your co-worker is psycho about her plant being moved.

    Jun 10, 2013 at 11:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Beatus Mongous

      I’d move it about half an inch per day. See how long it takes for her to notice.

      Jun 10, 2013 at 11:35 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   kermit

      *makes note to self never to flummox or discombobulate Beatus*

      Jun 10, 2013 at 11:48 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Beatus Mongous

      ^ Good idea. Although it would take a lot, I have some very sinister ways of getting ahead.

      Jun 10, 2013 at 2:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   redheadwglasses

      My ex husband’s hobby was revenge. He had books on all the ways one could get revenge. He once was able to force a road rager to *publish* a note of apology in the classifieds in the newspaper.

      EX husband.

      Jun 11, 2013 at 2:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   The Elf

    It’s the Love Jess XXX that makes it.

    Jun 10, 2013 at 6:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Poltergeist

      She’ll kiss you, but she won’t hug you.

      Alternatively, she started drawing a dead face with the x-ed out eyes but then realized it would be redundant after “I will eat your liver.”

      Jun 11, 2013 at 1:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Littlest Hobo

    She’s probably got a rabid ferret which is good at liver removal, without leaving a mark… ;)

    Jun 12, 2013 at 12:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up