Sorry, I can’t hear you over all the chattering appliances

June 25th, 2013 · 93 comments

Our submitter in Fort Collins, Colorado was a bit taken aback at the site of this local business’s breakroom. “The level of commitment dedicared to naming and creating backstories for the appliances was…mindboggling,” she says.

Indeed, my mind has been boggled.

Hello! We are the [redacted] break room appliances provided by [redacted] and we would like to introduce ourselves. Hello, I'm Mike the Microwave and I am the newest appliance to join the [redacted] Break Room team, replacing Monroe who retired. Hey there, my name is Collin and I'm the Coffee Machine. Howdy, Dante the Dishwasher here! Hi, I'm the big guy in the corner, Ramone the Refrigerator. Most of us have been here for a long time and we are thankful that [redacted] has provided us for your convenience and use. However since we are aging, we need a bit more TLC so each of us has written a little synopsis of how you can help us maintain our integrity and continue to work as best we can. We appreciate you being considerate of all persons who wish to use us. Thanks and please HELP us with our individual needs.

Mike, Collin, & the kitchen gang

Dante the Dishwasher

Collin the Coffee Machine

Mike the Microwave

related: The Needy Little Dishwasher

FILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · blitzkrieg approach · clip art catastrophe · Colorado · dishwasher · fridge · kitchen · microwave · office · TL;DR


93 responses so far ↓

  • #1   zenvelo

    I had something smart ass to say, but Connie the Computer said, “no fucking way!”

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:00 pm   rating: 102  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   redheadwglasses

      HA!!! I literally laughed out loud! thank you!

      Jun 25, 2013 at 7:08 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Jen

      I was going to laugh out loud, but Vernon the Voicebox said “Not allowed”.

      Jun 28, 2013 at 5:38 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Geek Goddess

    So where is the comment from Ramone the Refrigerator? And why do I think that he is some kind of kitchen enforcer?

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:11 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   H for Toy

      With all the creative and funny comments on here, I’m sure we can come up with something.

      Hi, I’m Ramone. You may think I’m cold, but I’m really a nice guy…

      Jun 26, 2013 at 7:41 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Lil'

      No matter what’s going on inside me, I’m great at keeping my cool.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 9:45 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   pooham

      Please take your unused items home at the end of the week so I can avoid internal disease.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 11:20 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   AuntyBron

      Ramon is the strong, silent type.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 4:45 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Woman on the Verge bang

      Ramon knows when to keep his door shut.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 5:04 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Kristy

    I can’t be the only person who finds the appliances individual personalities adorable (if not just a bit excessive)

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:11 pm   rating: 68  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   pooham

      I admit that I read every note, enjoying each one, and looking forward to the next.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 5:08 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   JK

      I’d like to have a word with Collin’s parents. I mean he’s gotta go through life like that, constantly correcting people who spell it “Colin.”
      Also, whenever he’s not at work, he has no filter.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 5:24 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Sorcha

      Me and my OCD, which causes me to believe that inanimate objects have feelings even though I know better, approve of this breakroom.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 9:42 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Nomnom

      The Brave Little Toaster totally scarred me psychologically on this point.

      Jun 27, 2013 at 9:25 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Beatus Mongous

    Those are some ugly cabinets.

    And a toaster oven with a paper towel underneath it is a fire hazard.

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:18 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   NoAdditives

      The paper towel isn’t under it, it’s next to it.

      Jun 25, 2013 at 6:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   hoot toot

      heat rises.

      Jun 25, 2013 at 6:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Beatus Mongous

      Burning toast falls.

      Jun 25, 2013 at 6:34 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   hoot toot

      out of and then under the oven? how does one trick physics into allowing it to fall in such a manner … butter the sides?

      Jun 25, 2013 at 6:50 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   pooham

      I have cabinets like those and love them. They are quite a step up from the particle board cabinets with the glued-on faux wood coverings I had in my old house.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 5:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   The Elf

      Good thing we have Frieda the Fire Extinguisher on hand and ready for action!

      Jun 26, 2013 at 6:58 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   Lil'

      Oh no, Elf – you haven’t heard? Frieda got the ax. Florence is on the scene now. See, Frieda and Tony the Toaster were getting hot and heavy for a while, but she caught him checking out another appliance and realized he was warming more than just toaster strudels. She got pissed, and when that napkin sitting next to him caught fire, she refused to put it out. Tony was almost killed; fortunately, one of the office staffers showed up just in time. Monroe wasn’t so lucky. At least, that’s how Wally the Water Cooler tells it.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 2:58 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Beatus Mongous

    Nice rack, Dante.

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:22 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   wanda

      With nine cycles, depending on how dirty the dishes have been.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 10:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   pooham

      Dante doesn’t have arms or legs.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 1:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Kyle

    I find 5 pages of that font to be even more annoying than 5 pages of Comic Sans, yet I too feel incomplete without knowing all that Ramone has to say.

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:24 pm   rating: 49  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Milhouse

    So, what, the toaster oven doesn’t get a name??

    I smell lawsuit.

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:30 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Senorita Morena

      Yea, they forgot to mention Tommy the toaster oven.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 2:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Chelle

      Tad, of course. He’s a pretty crummy guy, so they don’t talk about him much.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 7:42 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   hoot toot

    The fact that the microwave’s name was changed makes me suspect that this is more than just PA break room drama … at least one person in this office is very fond of these characters. I wouldn’t be surprised to find comic strips featuring the appliances hiding out in their cubicle somewhere.

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:30 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Tesstarosa

      The microwave’s name wasn’t changed — Monroe died and Mike is the new microwave. (Note how he has more power.)

      Jun 25, 2013 at 6:54 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   hoot toot

      Yah, sorry for being unclear, that is what i was referring to — that the name was changed when the appliance was changed. And Monroe retired; don’t bury him yet!

      Jun 25, 2013 at 7:41 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Rene

    What the shit?

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:30 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Beatus Mongous

    Someone should replace Ramone’s sheet with the lyrics from Frig-O-Rator by Roq’in Zoo.

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   FeRD bang

    Boggled?!? My mind has been frickin’ Troubled, by the depths of this Trivial Pursuit.

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:38 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Nublet

    Why do offices even have dishwashers? I have never figured this one out. One person, one plate, one fork, spoon, mug. I think you can handle that much in the sink, right? I guess not, seeing all the notes in all these offices. But why make it even MORE complicated with a dishwasher?

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:47 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Tesstarosa

      Because your co-workers are lazy sots and will just stack the dishes in the sink and never clean them.

      Although, I have to say that if you have to rinse almost all the food residue off the dishes to get them cleaned in the dishwasher, you might as well hand wash them.

      (The food bits shouldn’t be getting stuck on the dishes but rather clogging the drain if there’s no garbage disposal in the dishwasher.)

      Jun 25, 2013 at 6:58 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Nublet

      Everywhere I have ever worked, no one loaded the dishwasher, either. I rarely go into break rooms because of screaming harridans worrying about who is not making coffee and who is not cleaning and who is stealing lunches. I only go in to read notes like this because they are super entertaining. But only when those …ladies… are in there and can tell I’m not using anything. They scare me more than my boss.

      Jun 25, 2013 at 7:04 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   FeRD bang

      Well, sure. Anywhere the office manager isn’t by far the most feared/respected person in the office, they’re just not doing their job right!

      Jul 9, 2013 at 3:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   ElleDubs

    They need stickers ala http://laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/Fridge-Monster-Stickers.jpeg

    Jun 25, 2013 at 6:53 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   redheadwglasses

    TLDR.

    Jun 25, 2013 at 7:08 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Lythande

      I find your lack of semicolon disturbing.

      Jun 27, 2013 at 5:08 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Nunavut Guy

    Not sure how much the person who wrote these notes gets paid,but I think the time spent writing these probably cost the company a couple of hundred bucks in lost time.

    Jun 25, 2013 at 7:50 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   H for Toy

      Hours spent in finding adorable appliance clip art, alone. I wonder if one person named them all, or if there was an office pool.

      Jun 25, 2013 at 8:19 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Memyselfandi

      Word. It is time for a performance review.

      Jun 25, 2013 at 8:20 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   pooham

      Because there is no doubt that if they weren’t making these notes they would be doing something that produces revenue for the company.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 5:23 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   wanda

      Was the person who made the signs the one who received the trophy, or was that for one of the more dedicated appliances?

      Jun 26, 2013 at 10:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   Chelle

      Speaking as one who has made similar notes, it’s possible they were written on someone’s break, just for self-entertainment. Also, people who write notes like these can usually write them more quickly than you’d think!

      Jun 26, 2013 at 7:46 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   Nunavut Guy

      It took me half an hour to write my comment.

      Jun 28, 2013 at 2:04 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   H for Toy

      That’s cuz you were drunk at the keyboard again. Completely different.

      Jun 28, 2013 at 9:55 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Poltergeist

    Retired my ass. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH MONROE?!

    Jun 25, 2013 at 8:24 pm   rating: 48  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   kermit

      He had a torrid affair with a junk yard dog and they ran away together to Vegas.

      Jun 25, 2013 at 10:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Lil'

      Isn’t it convenient that Mike was so readily available to take Monroe’s place? And listen to how he brags about being so much better than Monroe. “I’m so much hotter, blah, blah, blah…”

      Jun 26, 2013 at 7:41 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   spottymax

      It’s OK. Monroe went to live on this big farm where he can run around and play all day.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 8:59 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   Lil'

      Don’t be so naive, spottymax. That’s what they want you to think.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 10:11 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   weed store

    lol do they work at the weed store selling weed

    Jun 25, 2013 at 11:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   The Elf

      No, this work is too ambitious.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 7:00 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Lythande

      It’s not that it’s too ambitious, it’s that it’s actually completed.

      Jun 27, 2013 at 5:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Ziaheart

    I’m a bit surprised that Mike is the new addition replacing Monroe. I would have thought that Mike would have been the first choice of name for a microwave, rather than Monroe.

    Jun 26, 2013 at 12:27 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   weed store

      lol yah Mike like Mikerowave lol

      Jun 26, 2013 at 12:33 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   anna P

    someone please explain to me the point of cleaning your dish that’s already clear of extra food before putting it in the dishwasher?

    Jun 26, 2013 at 2:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   pooham

      Dante, can you provide more clarification for anna?

      Jun 26, 2013 at 5:25 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Jaylemieux

      “someone please explain to me the point…”

      I thought Dante was pretty clear about it in his first paragraph.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 5:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   L

      Because water alone is not enough to clean your dishes??!?!?!? Remind me not to eat at your house.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 6:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.4   Nope

      What kind of backwards dishwasher uses water only? Every one I’ve ever seen uses detergent/soap of some kind and some even use extra soap-like substances.

      Jun 27, 2013 at 12:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.5   S4R4H

      Serious answer: because hand washing doesn’t necessarily kill all germs/viruses. Dishwasher, on the other hand, are able to reach higher temperatures.

      Jun 28, 2013 at 3:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.6   invinoveritas

      Because the dishwasher is shite, that’s why.

      Jul 17, 2013 at 1:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   micky44

    Why are all the appliance names Masculine?

    Jun 26, 2013 at 6:57 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   The Elf

      Because otherwise the guys wouldn’t stop cracking jokes about “slipping the sausage in Ramona” and “a hot date with Michelle”.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 7:03 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   micky44

      HAHAHAHA…. good point…. nuff said… :D

      Jun 26, 2013 at 7:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   The Elf

    Depending on the office in question, the office break room can either be a heavenly delight, a purgatory where you wait our your sentence of heating your lunch chatting with people you’d rather not know, no-man’s land, or the ninth circle of hell.

    Dante, you are appropriately named.

    Jun 26, 2013 at 7:05 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Snicklefritz

      All things considered though – this has to be the cleanest and neatest breakroom I’ve ever seen. I’ve worked in places that I havent wanted to touch anything for fear of picking up some vile wee beastie.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 10:44 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   The Elf

      Victor the Vile Wee Beastie has been banished from this breakroom by Sally Sponge and Stephen Soap.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 1:29 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Sorcha

      Hopefully Sally Sponge gets replaced with her clones more often there than at the breakroom where I work. You could’t pay me enough to touch those sponges.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 9:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   pooham

      You can pay me to touch a sponge!

      Jun 27, 2013 at 9:22 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   Raichu

      It’s clean, but the notes are a form of clutter to me. I think they look awful.

      On the topic of sponges – rinsing and squeezing out sponges seems to be a difficult topic for some. My last roommate always left the sponge in the sink soaking wet (which I thought was really ironic considering how much time she spent cleaning the apartment).

      Jun 30, 2013 at 10:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Erin

    I can’t tell if I’m charmed or horribly depressed but this was a great way to start my morning.

    Love,
    Erin (Dictated via Katie the Keyboard)

    Jun 26, 2013 at 9:38 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Dane Zeller

    So…do I have to read all of these notes?

    Jun 26, 2013 at 11:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   redheadwglasses

      I read 2.5, then quit and headed straight to the comments.

      Jun 26, 2013 at 11:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   yolanda

    Black marker on each sign: “TLDR”
    What is this, a little light reading with your lunch?

    Jun 26, 2013 at 11:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Gina

    All I can say is I’m glad that’s not my break room.

    Jun 26, 2013 at 1:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Frank Chickens

    I showed this to my android Marvin. He just gave me a withering look and sighed.

    Jun 26, 2013 at 1:55 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Jaylemieux

    It would be nice if people didn’t need this level of instruction to take care of others’ property, but that’s not the world we live in. Woo notewriter!

    Jun 26, 2013 at 5:07 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   kacky

    If I was their boss, I would be pissed that someone wrote all of that on company time.

    Jun 26, 2013 at 6:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   mojacardave

      It’s more than likely that these notes were written by admin staff, who are usually the people who have to deal with the leftover mess if other workers don’t. It almost comes under their job description, if it actually works to make the office a nicer environment. I work in an office, and our bosses get really annoyed about stuff like messy kitchens. It’s not good when you have clients coming in for meetings.

      Having said that, this is the sort of thing that makes me feel a bit queasy. What are we – 6 years old? This hardly screams competence and professionalism either.

      Jun 27, 2013 at 4:32 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   lucky henry

    “sight”, not “site”.

    Jun 26, 2013 at 8:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   The Elf

    Hello! I’m Knut the Knife, and I’m great at helping you serve a birthday cake! But you need to treat me right and wash me immediately afterwards OR I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU. Thanks!

    XXXOOO,

    Knut

    Jun 27, 2013 at 11:43 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Nope

    Sigh. Doesn’t rinsing off dishes in the sink you know, kinda defeat the whole purpose of having a dishwasher? If I wanted to do that, I could just wash the dishes by hand. It’d be the same thing more or less. The point of a dishwasher is to clean dirty dishes not to further clean ones which are already clean. Do you rinse your clothes before you put them in the washing machine? No of course not, because that’d be ridiculous, just like cleaning dishes before putting them in the dishwasher is. And if you’re concerned about stuck on food, either get people to put their dishes in sooner or just throw the dishes away and buy new ones. Or better yet get paper plates or the like. It’s not worth the effort to try to clean stuck on food.

    Jun 27, 2013 at 12:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Raichu

      Rinsing in the sink does not clean dishes make.

      It only does part of the job.

      Jun 30, 2013 at 10:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   47of74 bang

    THX Sandra strikes again?

    Jun 28, 2013 at 10:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Raichu

    Wow, those are obnoxious.

    Also it makes me sad that people need to be told things like “wipe down the microwave if you make a mess” and “rinse gunk off your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher”. Does nobody learn these things growing up?

    Jun 30, 2013 at 11:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Stephanie

    People in my office can’t remember to refill the paper towel dispenser and wiping the microwave turntable also seems too taxing for them. I don’t blame this office for these reminders, but they’re so wordy, no one’s going to take the time to read that!

    Jul 3, 2013 at 5:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   The Elf

    When did taking pictures of passive aggressive notes become “wildlife photography”? Spam more appropriately next time!

    Jul 17, 2013 at 6:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     

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