Lorna in Adelaide, Australia found this classified ad in the city newspaper a while back. “It still makes absolutely no sense to me,” she says, “but I enjoy the passive-aggressive undertones. (‘You insulted me after I did you a favour!’)”
related: What kind of MULE is it that goes to a Gypsy fortune teller?
37 responses so far ↓
#1
Red Delicious
W… T… F…
Jul 16, 2013 at 5:31 pm rating: 61
#2
havingfitz
I love this. “Oh sure, you cut off your hand! Well, I didn’t have it easy either, you know! But sure, Barbra, make it ALL about you. I broke a nail cleaning that basin! Do you know how much that hurt???”
Jul 16, 2013 at 5:51 pm rating: 52
#3
H for Toy
When someone says “I’d give my right hand to have a mother-daughter relationship like that,” they don’t usually mean it literally.
Jul 16, 2013 at 5:51 pm rating: 21
#4
Clevegal42
That isn’t an apology. It’s code. If you are looking for cheap pot, Maura will be in the bathroom fixture section of the Home Depot at 4:00PM to make a deal with you.
Jul 16, 2013 at 6:02 pm rating: 89
#5
Poltergeist
I’m really, really sorry I caused you to accidentally amputate your own hand…you dumb bitch.
Jul 16, 2013 at 6:14 pm rating: 37
#6
Madrias
Scary thing is, if I lost a hand, I’d be busy trying to create some cybernetic monstrosity to attach in its place.
Jul 16, 2013 at 9:15 pm rating: 4
#7
Barbra
Maura:
I cut off my hand to get away from you. Hands down the best 16 years of my life.
Barbra
Jul 16, 2013 at 9:28 pm rating: 32
#8
Bryce
It looks like Barbra is going to be all right.
Jul 16, 2013 at 9:53 pm rating: 19
#9
shwo!
Worst MadLib Ever.
Jul 17, 2013 at 12:26 am rating: 33
#10
johnlmalone
reminds me of the fake ad filler which became the premise of the feature film ‘Safety Not Guaranteed’
Jul 17, 2013 at 4:55 am rating: 5
#11
The Elf
You find the most delicious word salad in the classifieds. The only thing that’s better is the personals in your local “alternative” paper.
Jul 17, 2013 at 6:12 am rating: 12
#12
spacenomyous
(Maura to Barbara in past) – i’d cut off my right hand to have a mother like yours.
OMG, I was kidding!!!
now i have to clean the basin again.
Jul 17, 2013 at 7:40 am rating: 9
#13
Maitri
My guess is that Maura was a volunteer at a hospital (candy striper, etc) and Barbra was in the emergency room and had just puked or spewed some other bodily fluid into a basin, and she insulted Maura who cleaned it for her. Maura felt sorry for Barbra who had lost a hand in a devilish accident of some sort, but she did not handle being insulted well at the time, so she must have been a snot back, and now she’s sorry. Maybe?
Jul 17, 2013 at 8:17 am rating: 6
#14
Ely North
If Maura was REALLY sorry, she would cut off one of her hands and give it to Barbra. Not that it could be medically reattached as a replacement, but just as a token of her deep apologetic feelings.
Jul 17, 2013 at 8:45 am rating: 12
#15
Christine
I think Maura was engaged in the dark arts and cast a spell on poor Barbra that she really didn’t believe would work. Thus it is Barbra’s fault (“Why did you?”) because Maura did not INTEND for her to actually cut it OFF, maybe just slap herself around a little bit.
Jul 17, 2013 at 10:13 am rating: 6
#16
Jami
Maybe Maura is really a human manifestation of the Necronomicon? And she was trying to swallow Barbara’s soul but caused her to cut off her hand and replace it with a chainsaw instead?
Or I just love Evil Dead and Bruce Campbell too much.
More likely Barbara is a figment of Maura’s ill mind. One time at work this woman brought some art books up and then suddenly said, “I’ll be right back” and went up to a random woman and said, “I know what you did to Betty!” The woman kept saying she didn’t know any Betty and finally crazy woman said, “Whatever, I know what you did to Betty.” Then came back to me and tried to walk out without checking out the books. I told her I needed to check them out first and she put them down and kept motioning to them and saying “I’ll be back in a half hour. I’ll be back for them in a half hour.” She did that ten times before leaving.
She never came back.
And I never did find out what happened to Betty.
Jul 17, 2013 at 11:33 am rating: 15
#17
Alison
Hallmark didn’t have anything suitable?
Jul 17, 2013 at 11:33 am rating: 27
#18
redheadwglasses
I think ads such as this could replace deathbed confessions.
Jul 17, 2013 at 12:12 pm rating: 10
#19
Hillary
Here’s my shot in the dark for an explanation…
Maura was a volunteer at a hospital and had a conversation with Barbra whilst cleaning a wash basin, where Barbra discussed her mother and insulted Maura. Perhaps Maura said something along the lines that she was jealous of Barbra’s financial ties to the mother, maybe who paid for the medical bills. Maura says “Well my mother never helped me out.” And Barbra said “I didn’t ask for my mother’s help!” Perhaps the hand was a polite way of Maura saying that she learned through the grapevine that Barbra cut financial or supportive ties (i.e. cut her *helping* hand off) from her mother. Perhaps she felt guilty for not understanding the relationship between the daughter and mother, and that for medical or psychological reasons it was a very bad thing that she decided to cut support from her mother.
Now I sound loony for drawing out specifics. It’s fun to think about though
I think the “hand” was a reference to something else.
Jul 17, 2013 at 12:30 pm rating: 3
#20
KittenPlaysTheViolin
Gotta “hand” it to Barbra. It takes balls to cut off your own hand. Big ones.
Jul 17, 2013 at 12:51 pm rating: 9
#21
e
At first I thought it was a Biblical allusion: “And if your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.”
Aug 8, 2013 at 3:20 pm rating: 1
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