Humbleshagbrag

August 4th, 2013 · 68 comments

Writes James in Newcastle, England: “This weekend my girlfriend, who lives 180 miles away, came to visit me. As you would expect, we got up to the horizontal shuffle. In the morning this note was passed under my door. I am thinking of having it framed.”

I'm sorry your sexual adventures are so un-frequent that you have to let the whole house know about it.

related: Your sexy schoolgirl girlfriend is frightening the kittens

FILED UNDER: roommates · sex sex sex · U.K.


68 responses so far ↓

  • #1   H for Toy

    I’m sorry you had nothing going on last night, that you had to quietly lay there and listen to it.

    Aug 4, 2013 at 5:28 pm   rating: 112  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   JK

      Why not take the opportunity to blast “Sit On My Face” by the Monty Python troupe over and over? They’re like the Barry White of the UK right? What girl wouldn’t orgasm after hearing it?

      Barring that, turn up the volume on God Save the Queen. If you’re lucky, every time the national anthem plays, he’ll have an erection. The gift that keeps on giving.

      Aug 4, 2013 at 8:16 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Red Delicious

    I’m sorry that you’re so poorly educated that you’re unaware of the existence of the word “infrequent.”

    Aug 4, 2013 at 5:34 pm   rating: 78  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   NoAdditives

      I’m sorry your eyesight is so poor that you can’t tell the difference between an un-dotted “I” and a “U”.

      Aug 4, 2013 at 7:31 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Prince says

      I’m sorry you’re so smarmy that you missed the presence of the unnecessary and misplaced hyphen after the correctly spelled prefix “un” while trying to out troll the troll.

      Aug 4, 2013 at 8:08 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   JK

      That dash between un and frequent pretty much clinches that it was a U, but thanks for playing.

      Aug 4, 2013 at 8:08 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Rachel

      Nope, it’s an i. They just didn’t realise that the dash is redundant.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 12:06 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   FeRD bang

      Not buyin’ it. Look how the notewriter wrote “it”. (Undotted, yes, but just a simple vertical line.) Now look at the letter u in “house” or “sexual”. Or, better yet, the second one in the word-of-contention. (Un-tailed, and exactly the same swoopy as the first letter in “_n-frequent”.)

      Nope, I’m with apple: That’s a u that got too close to the n, making the word “un-frequent” and therefore patently ridiculous. …Or “rediculous”, if I want to emulate how the kids are spellin’ it these days.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 1:26 am   rating: 33  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   Calculus

      “Out-troll”, not “Out troll”. There is a hyphen.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 3:07 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   Tesselara

      Troll thread= most hilarious thing I’ve read all day. Thank you, trolls, troll slayers and trolls masquerading as troll slayers for the intentional and unintentional (or should it be un-intentional?) humor. And Calculus–I want to marry you.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 9:15 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   sunshynegrll

      Team U

      Aug 5, 2013 at 11:52 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.9   Raichu

      yep it’s definitely a “u”

      Aug 5, 2013 at 12:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.10   Geek Goddess

      “Out, damn’d troll! out, I say!”
      “Out-damn’d-troll! out, I say!”
      To hyphen or not to hyphen, that is the question.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 3:42 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Beth

    At least his girlfriend knows he’s not cheating on her.

    Aug 4, 2013 at 5:37 pm   rating: 48  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   FeRD bang

      Or… does she?

      You raise an interesting point, Beth. Perhaps — just perhaps — James is an evil genius, and this entire situation is all part of a grand conspiracy to cover up his history of indiscretion. The roommate could be in on the whole thing, having agreed to submit this “complaint” to make James’ claims of faithfulness more believable.

      Even the note’s submission to this site could all be part of a cunning plan — the modern-day equivalent of creating a Wikipedia article about your fake illness. (Because let’s face it, nobody falls for that anymore.)

      In fact, this could even explain the odd use of “un-frequent” in the note! Perhaps the roommate, feeling slightly guilty about his complicity in James’ deception, eased his own conscience by wording the note in such a way that, instead of claiming James’ bedroom gymnastics are “infrequent” (an out-and-out lie), he instead described them as “un-frequent”, meaning “no longer frequent” or “having ceased to be frequent”! AAA-HA!!!!

      J’accuse, James! J’accuse!

      Aug 5, 2013 at 1:51 am   rating: 44  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   sunshynegrll

      I read that whole comment in a Jacques Clouseau voice.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 11:55 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   FeRD bang

      So in other words, “Correctly”! ;-)

      (As long as you mean Peter Sellers. If you’re thinking of Steve Martin… dead to me!!)

      Aug 7, 2013 at 2:40 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Smokey

    Note writer! I don’t want to listen what my neighbor does and I make sure they don’t have to listen to me.

    Aug 4, 2013 at 5:39 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   The Elf

      I fully support being a quiet and respectful neighbor/housemate, but there’s a world of difference between an occasional lapse and a pattern. From the intro, I think we can safely assume James isn’t getting it on the regular! So this noisy sex isn’t likely a frequent occurance.

      A good neighbor/roommate minimizes their own noise especially in the late hours. But a good neighbor/roommate also looks the other way at an occassional lapse when the offending neighbor/roommate’s behavior is otherwise acceptable.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 6:45 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Tesselara

      Good point, Elf. The noise is, in fact, “un-frequent.”

      Aug 5, 2013 at 9:16 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   The Elf

      Oh, I think you mean “infrequent”.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 10:09 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   H for Toy

      She might mean in-frequent with no dot. Nobody is really sure.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 11:26 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Tesselara

      Elf and T, I snorted with laughter at your comments– a kleenex had to be deployed.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 12:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   Jetboy

      Sadly, James had deployed many Kleenexes during his girlfriends absence.

      Aug 10, 2013 at 3:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Ruth

    I’m sorry you’re too poor to afford a good set of headphones.

    Seriously, who has roommates and doesn’t know better than to keep a pair of headphones or earplugs around? Sex doesn’t have to be wild and kinky to be audible through a bedroom wall.

    Aug 4, 2013 at 5:50 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   The Elf

      Especially when the house is poorly constructed and has really thin walls.

      Honestly, I’d rather hear sex than what I sometimes heard through the dorm walls back in the college days.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 6:40 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   weed store

    lol this one time i was really stoned and was doin it on the futon with this chick

    and my roomate came in and he was like dude can i hit ur pipe and i was like dude

    this chick is already gonna hit my pipe if u know what i mean lol

    Aug 4, 2013 at 5:54 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Laura S

      Huh?

      Aug 4, 2013 at 7:12 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   NoAdditives

      Cool story Bro.

      Aug 4, 2013 at 7:33 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Rene

      Cool story, b…oh somebody beat me to it.

      Aug 4, 2013 at 10:46 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Raichu

      wat?

      Aug 5, 2013 at 12:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   My name is Princess!

      Does anyone have Advil?

      Aug 5, 2013 at 2:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   TKD

      I suddenly have an urge (irge?) to eat an entire Family Size bag of Fritos.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 3:11 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   hernehill bang

    This being Newcastle – as in Geordie (note to foreign readers, ethnic English minority group in the North East), I have to say I’m surprised about the Note. A Geordie would have handled something like this: “How gadgie, Ah heard yee got yer leg ower last neet, next time can yee keep it a bit quieter?” Straight to your face, no note necessary. Must have been a Southerner. Or worse.

    Aug 4, 2013 at 6:22 pm   rating: 51  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   The Elf

      Thumbed because of your written version of the accent. I could hear it as I read it. *applause*

      Aug 5, 2013 at 6:36 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   a-Arialist

      Very good written accent, I concur, except you missed the ‘,like’ at the end! ;)

      Aug 5, 2013 at 7:34 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Brian H

    An Army buddy of mine was kicked out of a B&B in London for bringing a girl back to his room after a concert. A constable came to his door and told him the owner felt he had brought disrepute onto the B&B and had him pack and leave.

    (The constable’s heart I was told was not in it and was just doing his job.)

    Aug 4, 2013 at 8:01 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   keshling

      How many years ago was that? Nowadays London sells itself on being disreputable…

      Aug 5, 2013 at 3:26 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Matt

      When was this, 1953?

      Aug 6, 2013 at 7:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Emma

    Sorry that you had nothing going on and had to listen to it…

    Aug 4, 2013 at 8:38 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   poopypants

    I don’t understand people making comments like “Too bad you had nothing better to do” I’ve had several roommates and when I was still living in the States I brought home a fair number of girls (some repeatedly!) and you know what? It’s not that hard to keep quiet. And if you can’t find a position that doesn’t involve you slapping the wall in time to your rhythm, you should probably look into a few new positions.

    Also, there’s nothing wrong with having nothing to do on a given night, but I shouldn’t have to listen to whatever you’re doing loudly, whether it’s sex, music, a movie, whatever.

    Also, yes, I know people will probably make snarky comments about how if sex isn’t loud I’m clearly not good at it, so congrats on predictable humor.

    Aug 4, 2013 at 9:17 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Jami

      If the sex is loud you just have a really cheap gag.

      For those who are about to throw a hissy fit – I’m referring to Bondage, Discipline, & Sadomasochism where the first rule is “Safe, sane, and consensual.” Not a certain vile act that in a just world would be punishable by death. Okay? So get your panties out of their twist.

      Well, unless twisted panties get you off. Than twist on.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 1:31 am   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   FeRD bang

      Great, now I’ve got “Twistin’ the Night Away” stuck in my head… and it no longer means anything near as innocent as what it used to mean!

      Thanks, Jami! You’re the bestest! :-D “hmm-hu twistin’, twistin’…”

      Oh, and Señor poopypants?

      Also, yes, I know people will probably make snarky comments about how if sex isn’t loud I’m clearly not good at it, so congrats on predictable humor.

      …Yeah, it’s good to know nobody’s being predictable with their passive-aggressive comments here. :-|

      Aug 5, 2013 at 1:58 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   GojuSuzi

      Bear in mind: uni accommodation is designed for “sharing”. Seriously, we had beds that screamed all by themselves if you so much as farted, no position was quiet unless you took to the floor (covered in carpet so cheap you got rug burns just by looking at it, and flayed flesh does not a quiet canoodler make!). And walls so thin you could make out every word of a whispered conversation next door, sooooo, yeah, it can be that hard (*snort*) to be church silent during bouncy-time.

      Aug 7, 2013 at 11:46 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Gladystopia

    Dear NoteWriter: Sorry I’ve been so quiet every other night that you’ve developed a wrong impression.

    Although I do recall hearing you comment about how all the dogs in the neighborhood suddenly start barking around the same time every night….

    Aug 4, 2013 at 10:13 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   shwo! bang

    Perhaps it was the Sexual Adventures of Tintin: “Quiet, Snowy! The captain will complain!”

    Aug 5, 2013 at 12:58 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Caiman

    Ahhh, long-distance romance sex.

    My fiancee was in town for my birthday this year, and she gave me…um. Quite the gift, at about 3 AM. We realised halfway through that my window was open, and I’m…well, loud. Cue me apologising profusely to everyone mixed in with the usual sounds and then proclamations of ‘fuck it, I’m NOT sorry because IT’S MY BIRTHDAAAYYYY’ and…yeah. That happened.

    I’d always heard of those loud girls you can hear doing it all over an apartment complex, but I became that girl…

    No one ever mentioned it or left a note, thank god. I’m STILL kind of antsy about it!

    Aug 5, 2013 at 3:51 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   The Elf

    Next time, invite the whole house over to join in.

    Aug 5, 2013 at 6:34 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Lil'

    Well, I’ve never had loud enough sex for the neighbors to complain, but one night our neighborhood had a black out and my husband and I lit candles around our living room. Things got heated and we were going at it, unaware that the candles were projecting our shadows onto the huge living room windows like movie screens. We were well into it before I noticed. Needless to say, the next few days were pretty awkward.

    Aug 5, 2013 at 10:40 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   H for Toy

      And now you’re having twins! Take note, anyone who wants to have two babies at once, and be done.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 11:27 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Iwill FindU

      Well what else are you going to do during black out? I’m sure everybody else on your on your street was to caught up in their heated actives to take notice of yours.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 1:33 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Poltergeist

      I’m sure they were all jealous that your shadow puppet show was better than theirs.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 6:16 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   macphile

    I thought this said “serval adventures” at first. It was a lot more interesting that way.

    Aug 5, 2013 at 11:57 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   The Elf

      You weren’t that far off, though. Wild pussy was definitely involved.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 12:57 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Poltergeist

      That’s one type of wild pussy it’s okay to shoot at. Just make sure you put on the condom first.

      Aug 5, 2013 at 6:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   The Elf

      At least James’ kitty was indoors.

      Aug 6, 2013 at 7:02 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Raichu

    I can kind of understand where she’s coming from – I wouldn’t want to listen to my neighbors having sex either – but the note was over-the-top for a one-time offense, imo. If it were me, I’d put on headphones and loud music and hope it didn’t happen again. If it did, more than once, I’d think about saying something. But if the noise goes away on its own, there’s no point making a stink about it.

    Aug 5, 2013 at 12:21 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Tard

    What is this ‘sex’ of which you speak?*

    *married 26 years

    Aug 5, 2013 at 12:30 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Iwill FindU

      Well when two people love each other very much or get really really drunk…

      Aug 5, 2013 at 1:35 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   TKD

      How do I get my spouse to this “drunk” state…?

      *Married 20 years

      Aug 5, 2013 at 3:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   The Elf

      Clean the house, make dinner, arrange for the kids to have a sleepover somewhere else (if you have them), and bring your wife her favorite drink while you massage her feet, compliment her outfit, and ask about her day.

      *Married not quite 20 years

      Aug 6, 2013 at 7:05 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   Iwill FindU

      @ The Elf and don’t forget the wine.

      *Speaking as a woman

      Aug 6, 2013 at 1:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Kimberly

    I don’t want to hear other people have sex either, but if they rarely see eachother I wouldn’t begrudge them one stinking night.

    Aug 5, 2013 at 2:47 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   redheadwglasses

    When I was new to my building the woman who lives above me stopped by to say hi and I found out she’s a massage therapist, and the room she uses is right above my bedroom.

    Only, judging by what I hear after 10 p.m. up there sometimes, I don’t think massages are the only thing going on up there.

    Aug 5, 2013 at 3:33 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Poltergeist

      Happy ending? Happy ending for you?

      Aug 5, 2013 at 5:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Liz

    This has helped me reminisce about the days when neighbors having loud sex would annoy me. Then I got really horrible neighbors (ex-neighbors now) who would fight with each other and sometimes have friends over that would also fight. No, they wouldn’t keep it restricted just to screaming at each other, their fights would turn physical and I’d have to call the cops. Now, it’s like my brain just filters out anything that doesn’t require police intervention. Kind of nice in a way, but it wasn’t great getting to this point.

    Aug 5, 2013 at 11:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   sloganmaker

    It’s awkward hearing people having sex or vice versa, you have been heard having sex. But I guess it’s also a sign they are enjoying it well.

    Aug 6, 2013 at 12:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Mantis bang

    Am I the only one who *likes* hearing other people have sex?

    Aug 7, 2013 at 7:36 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     

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