I hope…

August 22nd, 2013 · 50 comments

Lately, whenever I read a note like this, I can’t help but think of this bit by Louis CK:

Exhibit a) Spotted independently by both Kendy and Jane on the front gate of a cottage in a small English village. Writes Kendy: “I was surprised that in such a peaceful little place there were thieves bold enough to steal a child’s toy — and equally bold locals willing to publish their death wish to said thief!”

To the person who stole my 4 year old grandaughter's paddling pool, I hope you drown in it.

Exhibit b) From an office in Texas

To the lowlife who's been stealing people's lunches: I hope you develop chronic hemorrhoids.

Exhibit c) Found by John in Atlanta on the windshield of his car — which was parked just fine, he adds!

Dear Motherfucker, You park like an asshole I hope your kids get addicted to drugs. (Heart) Jack

Exhibit d) Also from Atlanta, specifically the campus of Georgia Tech — Justin says this was posted by every bike rack in the vicinity of the Electrical Engineering building. (So he ripped one down, took it home, and scanned it.)

Did you take a red Specialized bike from Van Leer on 1 Feb at noon? FUCK YOU. I hope you have an aneurysm and rot in a ditch. I am going to spend the rest of my days tracking you down. I will find you. You will never sleep again. No god will save you. I am coming for you.

related: Wishin’ and hopin’

FILED UNDER: parking · stealing

50 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Nathan Rudy

    My nine year old daughter is named Kendy, which is short for her middle name Kendrick. This was my mother’s middle name and nickname, as well. And, yes, my daughter was named for my mother. :-)

    I’m just hoping to hear from the Kendy who sent in this picture to hear what her story is on getting the name, because the only other Kendy’s we’ve heard of are boys or Japanese (and one book about Kendy and a monkey).

    Aug 22, 2013 at 2:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Ladygirl

      It’d often short for Kendall, a semi-common girls’ name.

      Aug 22, 2013 at 4:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Nunavut Guy

      Stop saying Kendy…………please.

      Aug 23, 2013 at 9:35 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   Laney

    That last one is obviously photoshopped, not a real physical note.

    Aug 22, 2013 at 3:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   H for Toy

      Why would anyone bother? Why not just type up a note, and take a picture of it? Even crumple it a little for affect. No reason for it to be photoshopped.

      Aug 22, 2013 at 3:37 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Prince says

      I hope photoshopped note ‘writers’ get razor blade filled candy on halloween and bleed out.

      Aug 22, 2013 at 6:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Ruth

      You’ve never scanned a creased/wrinkled piece of paper, have you?

      Aug 22, 2013 at 9:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Nunavut Guy

      Does my ass count?

      Sep 4, 2013 at 9:08 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   DinaBee

    I can honestly say I’ve never wished death on someone for their theft of an item. To me that seems a little extreme. Maybe that they mistake super glue for lube or trip up the stairs at a performance when everyone’s watching, and other more embarrassing situations, etc.

    Aug 22, 2013 at 4:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Ashley

      Or step on a Lego…or maybe that’s too cruel?

      Aug 22, 2013 at 5:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   redheadwglasses

      Just like Louis C.K., I wish death on people who drive like shit and put me at risk. Then I fantasize about writing a screenplay about a person who does that (wishes death on obnoxious/dangerous drivers) and it the people really do die.

      Aug 22, 2013 at 9:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   Jami

      I just wish for bad drivers to get into accidents where no one gets hurt, but they have to shell out thousands of dollars in costs.

      But even I wish death on someone who steals from a four year old. That is just a low down and inhuman thing to do.

      Aug 23, 2013 at 2:52 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   redheadwglasses

      Okay, Jami, I’ve seen your wisdom. I’ll stop wishing for death. Your way is better. : )

      Aug 25, 2013 at 12:17 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   Jami

      I try to save the death wishes for people who deserve it – Roman Polanski, Casey Anthony, etc. Just wish for the others to learn their lesson in an extremely expensive manner.

      But between you and me, Red, I’d give just about anything to see someone who just broke a driving law in front of me pulled over. I have yet to see the police get a bad driver I just encountered.

      Aug 26, 2013 at 5:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   phil

    Maybe John in Atlanta needs to reevaluate his parking. Lots of people are oblivious to how bad they park.

    Aug 22, 2013 at 4:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   JoDa

      And the ones who know they’re terrible drivers/parkers almost seem proud of it. I have a neighbor who can’t park to save her life, and by the looks of her car, can’t drive, either. Rather than, I dunno, practice, or take a course, or ask for advice, she constantly posts pictures on Facebook of parking violations (yes, the police can and do cite people who park very poorly here…if your wheel is more than 12″ from the curb, you can *technically* be ticketed, though they don’t normally do it until you’re at least 18″ away and making it impossible for someone to park behind you/get out), fresh damage to her car, collisions, etc. When I see her parked like that I wish that those Mentos commercial guys were around and could put her car on a roof, or something.

      Aug 22, 2013 at 6:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   JoDa

      Oh, oh…one time, she got stuck in the snow after a big snowstorm (the LAST time she should have been driving), and laid down some pizza boxes on the snow pile in front of her car to “get traction.” I came out and said “uh, you’re actually stuck, not on ice, you’ll need to dig your tires and a few feet in front of your car out first before you can move.” She LEFT HER CAR nose poking out into the street saying “ugh, I don’t have TIME for this.” I just called parking enforcement, and they *eventually* sent a tow truck out and put her car back in the parking spot. I’m pretty sure a “courtesy tow” here (they move your car to a legal spot but don’t haul it away) is $250, plus the fine for whatever you did wrong. I firmly believe that if you get as many parking tickets as she does they should revoke your right to park on the street.

      Aug 22, 2013 at 6:26 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   redheadwglasses

      I park like an idiot. I admit it. I didn’t always. It’s something that developed in later years. I’m talking about perpendicular parking spots. My boyfriend mocks me. I have coworkers who look out our 7th floor window to see how I parked that day.

      I’m an excellent driver (my dad was a very good teacher, his job required regular safe/defensive driving lessons), I can diagonal park like a champ, but dang, I can hardly park at Target without having to back up and try to fix it.

      Parallel park? Forget it. Where I’m from, we didn’t have it, so we weren’t taught it.

      Aug 22, 2013 at 10:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   spacenomyous


      in 7 years i’ve paid over $3k in parking / photo tickets to DC metro . the problem is there’s no street parking available. if i get home after 6pm, forget it. it’s either drive around for 20-30 min (not kidding) and park 2-3 blocks away, or… park in front of a mailbox and take the $25 ticket. my time is more valuable than any ticket price. except for that “courtesy tow” when parked on street during rush hour, before they tow it the city lot. also, if you have more than 2 tickets over 60 days they’ll boot your car.

      anyways, as long as i pay my taxes i get to park on the street.

      Aug 23, 2013 at 8:39 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   Tom

      “my time is more valuable than any ticket price”

      Something tells me you’re an asshole to service workers and everyone else around you because of your falsely perceived self-importance.

      Maybe stop acting like $3000 in parking fines is something to be proud of, for a start. And capitalize in your writing.

      Aug 23, 2013 at 1:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.6   spacenomyous

      first, i did threw an exception in there.
      second, who are you to tell me that my perceptions are false?
      third, i’m not proud of my tickets, i was illustrating a point.
      fourth, no.

      Aug 23, 2013 at 2:10 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.7   JoDa

      Funny, I live in DC, too. I used to live on Capitol Hill, one of the most crowded residential districts in the city. I got a parking ticket here and there, but nowhere near $3K in a year (I don’t think I ever exceeded $200 in a year). If I had to park 2 or 3 blocks away from home, then I…considered myself lucky. If I was bringing home groceries or something and there was nothing closer than that, I’d park illegally in the “no parking here to corner” area for as long as it took me to unload the car and then go find a legal spot…everyone did that and no one got their panties in a wad so long as you didn’t block someone in. Once you’ve lived in a neighborhood for a few months, you start to recognize the patterns of when and where parking is slightly easier. Your taxes don’t compensate the folks who are blocked in or can’t park in what would be a legal spot when you park like an asshole, nor the people stuck in an even bigger traffic jam at rush hour because you didn’t bother to look at the sign or just felt what you had to do was more important than managing traffic flow. And, I contend, there are plenty of garages available throughout the city, where you never have to worry about how long your car is parked. In some areas, they’re so overbuilt that they’re even relatively cheap, like DCUSA where you can get a parking spot for $1500 a year as a monthly rental or $1 an hour if you’re coming to shop, dine, or visit someone in the area.

      Plus, there’s that whole public transportation thing…

      Aug 24, 2013 at 12:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.8   The Elf

      I live in the DC area, and one reason why I’ve never, ever, ever considered living in DC itself is because I like to be able to park my car in front of or very near my house. That was a major consideration in choosing where to live. Every place has an upside and a downside – the downsides to most cities include crappy parking. Remember why you chose to live there and park legally. Or move.

      Aug 27, 2013 at 10:56 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.9   JoDa

      The upside, Elf, is that I sold my car 2 years ago (after over 5 years of worthless parking hassles), joined Zipcar and CaBi, and never looked back. :) Sure, that’s not practical for every single person, but sooooo many people make SUCH a stink over nothing.

      If you feel the need for parking, there are numerous buildings with parking available. Yes, you have to pay for it, but it’s yours to use freely. If you’re disabled, you can actually get a reserved spot on your street. If you’re not disabled and don’t want to live in a place with in-building parking, there are garages or lots that will rent to you so you don’t have to circle. If none of that applies, but you hate parking away from home, you can learn the trends of the neighborhood and use your car only when parking is easy. Back in my days on the Hill, I took my car out only during certain hours except for emergencies because I knew I’d be able to get a spot near home when I returned during those times. If I took my car out at a “crowded” time, I just dealt with having to walk a few blocks home.

      If you don’t want to do any of that, then you need to live somewhere other than a city with limited on-street parking, or at least pick a neighborhood with more plentiful on-street parking. It’s not like it’s some big secret that parking is difficult in many DC neighborhoods, and it’s not like parking is *suddenly* difficult in many places…been that way for years. The whining kills me…”I want to live in the hottest neighborhood, with the density to support 20 restaurants within 2 blocks, but I DEMAND to be able to park at my doorstep, for $35/year 24/7.” Sorry, that utopia does not and will never exist…

      Aug 27, 2013 at 8:30 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.10   The Elf

      Exactly – the utopia is impossible. You pick what you really want out of a neighborhood and deal with the rest. I know a few people who have gone the carless route and I can see the appeal. That would be impossible for us, as my husband loves his cars. Such a gearhead! When we moved this last time, one of his conditions was to not only have regular parking but to have enough space to eventually live his dream: build a car from the ground up. He’s got to build the garage first, but I have no objections. We all have our hobbies.

      Aug 28, 2013 at 6:10 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Jan

    Dina. It’s not the item stolen. It’s the effect stealing the item has. Poor little kid not only finding her paddling pool gone but also realising that the world has many buttheads willing to steal things of little monetary value just to meet some twisted sense of entitlement they have.

    Aug 22, 2013 at 5:33 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   redheadwglasses

      That’s exactly it. And pools are sold out here before August. Stores here get one shipment in May and that’s it. That girl is gonna cry.

      Aug 22, 2013 at 10:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Nunavut Guy

      Well thanks for ruining my day Red…(paddles away shamefaced).

      Aug 24, 2013 at 3:23 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   shwo! bang

    Sometimes the handwriting is so bad, it’s passive aggressive all by itself. Seriously, Exhibit C looks like:

    Beac Motherfueher,
    You pack like an asshele
    I hepe youc kielj yet
    aelduted to dreys.
    [Strongman arms] Jaek

    Aug 22, 2013 at 7:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   H for Toy

      Maybe a moose bit his sister once?

      Aug 22, 2013 at 7:26 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   shwo! bang

      No realli!

      Aug 22, 2013 at 8:14 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   it's naptime

      I read it as “bear motherfucker.”
      Of course he’s fucking mama bear; papa bear is too big and baby bear is too small.

      Aug 22, 2013 at 10:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   Nunavut Guy

      Dem moose bites leave marks.

      Aug 24, 2013 at 3:26 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.5   Jami

      Fun fact – a friend of mine who’s massively into folklore informed me there is stories of weremoose.

      Aug 25, 2013 at 3:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   Jetboy

    I have to say that the nastiest note is the one wishing drug addiction on the children of the person who offended them.

    Aug 22, 2013 at 8:07 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Raichu

      I totally agree with this.

      Aug 22, 2013 at 8:16 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Jetboy

    A paddling pool? We call them wading pools. Must be a regional thing.
    BTW- eat shit and die :)

    Aug 22, 2013 at 8:09 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   kermit

      Nah, paddlin’ pool is probably right.

      Talkin’ out of turn? That’s a paddlin’.
      Lookin’ out the window? That’s a paddlin’.
      Starin’ at my sandals? That’s a paddlin’.
      Paddlin’ the school canoe? Oh, you better believe that’s a paddlin’!

      Aug 25, 2013 at 5:09 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Raichu

    These are gold.

    Horrible, and at least one is fake, but gold.

    Aug 22, 2013 at 8:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   redheadwglasses

    The last one does look fake, but it’s way too lame to be fake.

    Aug 22, 2013 at 10:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   Neeners

    I don’t know these people sound really reasonable ….I bet the grandparent of the four year old is on the PTA or some school board, participates at a bake sales and donates boxtops to the school. The one who wants the persons kids drug addicted is your friendly pharmacist. The one who says “No god will save you” -that’s your local priest. The guy who wishes you had hemmorhoids is the Dr. I used to work for …I knew I shouldn’t have ate his lunch that day.

    Aug 23, 2013 at 12:11 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   Kathlynn

    I have to sympathize with these people. I had my bike taken out of my grandma’s van, and it wasn’t a cheap bike ($500), was almost like new (especially for being 4 years old). And it had the *Perfect* seat (god I miss that seat), and I was used to it. (now I just need to focus on how the quick-release seat always slid, so you had to constantly readjust it. haha new owner). Yes I got a new one, but I had to replace it, buy a new basket, and give up having a kick stand (since the bike I got can’t have one… didn’t know that when I bought it). So that theft cost me about a grand, if you include the cost of the old bike, basket, new bike, and basket. Even $500 is a lot, considering I work at a gas station. (I like being able to rely on my bikes and now worrying on whether or not my bike will break easily like my brother’s did)

    Aug 23, 2013 at 2:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Snicklefritz

      It’s a sad day when someone steals your bike. It’s like losing a dear friend that’s been lovingly cradling your ass every time you go for spin.

      Aug 23, 2013 at 8:41 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   spacenomyous

      my bikes were always a pain in the ass.

      Aug 23, 2013 at 9:03 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   Snicklefritz

      Try installing a seat next time. I would imagine riding on the seat post would be really uncomfortable.
      Otherwise I would recommend purchasing a gel cover for your seat. Makes all the difference in the world.

      Aug 23, 2013 at 9:51 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   Poltergeist

      Needs to be cushy for your tushy.

      Aug 23, 2013 at 12:40 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.5   Kathlynn

      yeah, the seat that came with that bike made me love that seat. the first seat hurt my but for weeks after riding it. the second one didn’t at all. The one I got on my current one is decent but not the same. It’s gel and all, but not nearly as soft. And personally I don’t like gel covers,,

      Aug 23, 2013 at 2:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.6   Tesselara

      Okay, so I’m going to bike-geek out here, and suggest that you go to a bike shop and have them size a seat for you. And you need one that fits your sit bones. (Not the size of your tush–whether it is big or small doesn’t matter–what matters is where the pointy bones on your pelvis are). And, that will make all all all of the difference.

      Aug 23, 2013 at 3:35 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   TRT

    The paddling pool thief? Well, that’s all for The Greater Good.

    Aug 27, 2013 at 5:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Alex

    I think these all belong on openlyaggressivenotes.com

    Sep 1, 2013 at 1:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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