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Dear toilet fairies: You totally suck at poetry.

September 5th, 2013 · 66 comments

Katie says this was propped up in the ladies room at a senior citizen apartment building in Florida. Adds Katie: “I don’t care that they think the floor is dirtier, I’m not touching the floor either!”

Tinkle, tinkle, little star, Above the potty you hover so far. Crouching but high and almost motionless, Trying to avoid any germs, I guess. Very little do you know, More trouble lurks far below. You needn't worry about germs on the seat, Because the real germs to avoid are below you. Go ahead and plop your hinny right on down, You're sitting on the cleanest seat in town. Now, it you still insist on standing to pee, You are just leaving a mess for me. Author: Un-expecting Victim

related: Hover & Flow(chart); The Rhyme That Must Be Flushed

FILED UNDER: clip art catastrophe · Florida · old folks · pure poetry · toilet

66 responses so far ↓

  • #1   AMoparGirl

    Don’t buy it. I’ve seen reports the door handles have traces of feces.

    Sep 5, 2013 at 7:29 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Jeanette

      The door handles have feces from your hand wiping your ass. That part of your ass never touches the seat. If you actually sit nothing gets on the seat! Team note writer all the way! Seats are gross because of the people who won’t sit because they think it’s gross.

      Sep 5, 2013 at 7:35 pm   rating: 105  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Lil'

      Yes, seats are gross because of people who hover and sprinkle. Since that will always be the case, I will always hover. I’m not sitting on someone else’s urine. The problem is there whether I sit or not. If I sprinkle, I will clean it up. If not, I’ll go on my way. Either way, someone else’s pee is going to be there. And considering I’ve been in bathrooms with blood, urine and feces visible on the seat, I make no apologies for hovering.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 7:36 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   The Elf

      Everything has traces of feces on it. The whole world is full of shit.

      That’s why we have skin and an immune system. Sit your ass down. Unless you have an open cut, you’re not going to get whatever nasties are on the seat into your body anyway.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 11:21 am   rating: 78  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   Tesselara

      Me, I hate getting the back of my pants wet with urine…this happens when the guys use the bathroom at my office. I know who it is. Next time I see him. He and I. Awkward conversation.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 7:11 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   sunshynegrll

      As someone who daily cleans other people’s toilets: Yes, Virginia, people get shit on the toilet seat even during normal ‘non-hovering’ use.

      Just accept this fact and move on. So to speak.

      Sep 7, 2013 at 8:54 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   FeRD bang

      The uncomfortable reality of the door-handle thing is that, yes, occasionally they can pick up traces of feces… but those traces get pretty quickly wiped away by all of the subsequent hand-touching the doorknob receives. They’re kind of “self-cleaning” in that gross sense.

      The floor, tho? All that crap (very much intended) just gets smeared around there until someone finally attacks it with a bucket of Nast-B-Gone and a mop.

      Sep 9, 2013 at 4:55 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   Marcus

      What I don’t get is my ex and his family. They are, quite literally, so fat that they produce suction on the toliet seat (I have not witnessed but heard complaints from the complainer). Yet they managed to spray feces all over the cistern, the seat, under the seat, on the outside of the bowl, inside the bowl, and the wall BEHIND the cistern.


      Sep 18, 2013 at 8:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #2   Eyewitless

    What prompts a person to write something like this?

    Sep 5, 2013 at 7:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Christina

      Sitting down in a puddle of someone else’s pee sprinkles, I imagine.

      Sep 5, 2013 at 8:02 pm   rating: 71  small thumbs up

  • #3   EJC

    I’ll tell you what pi$$es me off (absolutely no pun intended)—going into a bathroom where someone has hovered above the toilet to “avoid germs” yet left their pee all over the seat. WTH? Disgusting!

    Sep 5, 2013 at 8:11 pm   rating: 63  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   The Elf

      You should write a bad poem about it.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 11:21 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Raichu

      I think that is the point of this note, EJC. :P

      Sep 6, 2013 at 1:49 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #4   cafn8d

    What ever happened to “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat!”??

    Sep 5, 2013 at 8:15 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Jo

      Or “Be a sweetie, wipe the seatie”?

      Sep 8, 2013 at 12:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   SilentPsycho

      They have the first one up at my old job, except someone had written underneath “except in this case, the floor!” So many wasted PANs about that place…

      Sep 27, 2013 at 5:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #5   E3

    Seeing it was in senior citizen apartments, I am thinking that someone’s hover skills are not what they used to be.

    Sep 5, 2013 at 8:52 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   H for Toy

      They might not even be trying to hover :-/

      Sep 5, 2013 at 9:20 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #6   malren

    I did a thing in a bio class once. Swabbed about 15 spots in the men’s room, then tried to grow funk in petri dishes. The cleanest place was the handle of the paper towel dispenser. Second cleanest was the inside door handle. Filthiest was the floor, second filthiest was the outside door handle. None of this is much of a surprise, although I expected the faucet handle to be a lot dirtier

    Sep 5, 2013 at 9:15 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Tesselara

      That’s because a terrifying number of people don’t wash their hands after handling their junk. I try very hard not to think about this when I’m shaking peoples’ hands.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 10:34 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   redheadwglasses

      From what I”ve read, men would be better served to wash before handling their junk to pee. On a standard-issue penis, with regular showering, handling the shaft isn’t that unsanitary. It’s not like guys are touching the head and getting pee on their hands. Unless they went to Yale.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 12:26 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   The Elf

      I am frightened by the thought of what a non-standard-issue penis might look like.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 1:09 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   Raichu

      Aw, Elf, you beat me to it!

      Maybe non-standard-issue penises are just really dirty.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 2:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #6.5   Rexy bang

      There’s a Deluxe-Model Penis upgrade to the standard-issue that also dispenses feces. Totally does away with that whole sitting business. Although, it adds to the hover issue.

      Sep 8, 2013 at 12:01 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #6.6   Lab dude

      In my job, I find it best to wash my hands *first*. I shower daily, before work, so until my first break of the day, my ‘junk’ has only ever touched the inside of my *clean* underwear, whereas my hands have come in contact with all sorts of unclean surfaces, and been exposed to grease, flux, alcohol, solder, etc.
      I don’t pee on my hand, aside from the occasional ‘splash-back’, however I have to flush, and I have no idea who has used it before me and what their habits are, so I wash afterwards anyway.
      What hacks me off is the guy who uses the paper seat cover & *leaves it on the seat*. C’mon, if *you* think its too nasty to push into the can and flush, why do you expect *me* to do it?

      Sep 9, 2013 at 2:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #7   H for Toy

    I’d plop my hinny right down in the bathroom, but I think they only allow service dogs and asses.

    Sep 5, 2013 at 9:22 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Poltergeist

      My hinny is firm and muscular. He could kick your tiny ass any day of the week!

      Sep 6, 2013 at 12:28 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   FeRD bang

      Yeah, but can he reproduce?

      Sep 6, 2013 at 5:00 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   The Elf

      I kind of want a service ass. The problem is that they only veer left.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 1:15 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #8   Scuba Girl

    What is it with you bishes? If you’re going to hover over the seat anyway, lift the damn seat! At least you’ll leave a dry seat for the women who come next who DO sit down.


    Sep 5, 2013 at 9:34 pm   rating: 59  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   The Elf

      Yes! This! If your butt is so precious that you’re not going to plunk it down anyway, take a peice of TP, lift the seat and *then* hover. Why risk making a mess for everyone else?

      Sep 6, 2013 at 11:23 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   sam

      I agree, but I’m still shocked and stunned that there are people who are THAT fearful about just sitting their ass on the goddamn toilet seat. Of all the things in the world that could kill you, that does not even make the list.

      Sep 7, 2013 at 6:42 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   it's naptime

      Dammit, Sam. Now I have visions of one of those split toilet seats reaching out and grabbing people; strangling, drowning, beating them to death. Thanks for that.

      Sep 7, 2013 at 3:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #9   Poltergeist

    If you’re a terrible poet
    And you definitely know it,
    Stop writing that poem,
    And go the fuck home.


    Sep 6, 2013 at 12:11 am   rating: 46  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   FeRD bang

      ♥ It’s like Emily Dickinson come back to life! ♥

      Sep 6, 2013 at 5:22 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #10   Dane Zeller

    I don’t get it, men. You’ve just put away, shall I say, you’ve just put away your hose, zipped it up, and then you go to the sink and turn the faucet on to wash your hands. (I’m assuming your favorite public toilet has no hands-free faucet.) Didn’t you just turn on the faucet with your germ-laden hand? I thought so. You’ve just added your germs to the collection laid down by the previous thirty men who have washed their hands. I say, don’t turn the faucet on. Go straight to the paper towel dispenser, rip one off (the paper), and use it to open the door to exit. (The other place where men deposit their germs.)

    There you go.


    Howard Hughes

    Sep 6, 2013 at 7:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   wah?

      turn faucet on, wet hands, turn faucet off, soap hands, turn faucet on – soaping it up in the process, rinse, turn now clean faucet off, dry hands and use towel to open door. It actually is possible to avoid others germs and avoid contributing your own at the same time.

      Sep 8, 2013 at 4:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   L

      If the faucet is one of those ones where it just lifts, you can use your wrist to turn it on and off. That’s what the ones in my house are.

      Sep 8, 2013 at 11:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   luna

      At work we are taught to use paper towel to turn the tap on/off if its not automated.

      Sep 9, 2013 at 11:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   Tupelo

    I think I need to ask for a hinny for Christmas.

    Sep 6, 2013 at 8:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #12   macphile

    What I don’t get is I assume people sit at home, even when they live with other people? So why is it OK to sit where your spouse, children, neighbors, in-laws, and grandparents have been but not where your coworkers have been? Most office toilets are cleaned every day–ours more than once because we’re such filthy pigs. Do people clean their home toilets every day? (And if they do, should they maybe get over themselves and get a life, assuming no one in the house is sick or potty training?)

    Sit the f*** down.

    Sep 6, 2013 at 10:18 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   redheadwglasses

      “Sit the f*** down.”

      Sounds like another book idea for Sam Jackson.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 12:27 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   wah?

      Personally live with other people and I do hover-squat at home. Maybe if the males who share the facilities would sit the f down I could too.

      Sep 9, 2013 at 4:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #13   Tesselara

    Unsuspecting (poor victim!)
    Unexpected (pee sprinkler forgets other people will use the toilet)
    Unexpecting (word mashup fail)

    Sep 6, 2013 at 10:37 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   miss kitty

      or maybe she means she isn’t pregnant?

      Sep 6, 2013 at 11:43 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #14   redheadwglasses

    Elf! Here’s a way to see ONE of the crazy guy’s signs on his buildings:

    GO to google maps and put in this address:
    4536 Babcock Trail, Inver Grove Heights, MN and zoom in to see the street view. On the side of one little building is a painted “we the people” message. He’s since added two more large signs. In the winter, he hangs up a huge tarp with another sign painted on it.

    Sep 6, 2013 at 12:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   The Elf

      Oh google street view, you so crazy. That wooden structure there reminds me of a deer stand. The fact that it is next to the street *really* makes me wonder.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 1:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   redheadwglasses

      With the sun setting earlier now, it may be too dark tonight to get a good picture by the time I get over there, so then I’ll plan for another opportunity during the daylight hours.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 2:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #14.3   Raichu

      It’s not continuous satellite…is it? I thought they just took a picture and used it all the time

      ETA: Unless you mean you live there and can drive by it. In which case ignore my silly question.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 2:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #14.4   redheadwglasses

      Raichu, my boyfriend lives on that same street, so I”m hoping to get pictures of his newer signs posted here. : )

      Sep 6, 2013 at 3:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   1deprogrammed1

    I thought the seat covers were there to address this problem – until you discover it merely soaked up the pee someone so nicely left behind for you (no pun intended).

    The slight risk of getting lice from a public toilet means double up on the seat covers, make sure you flush (don’t leave it behind for a second use), wash your hands and use your hand sanitizer. Feel better?

    Sep 6, 2013 at 12:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   redheadwglasses

      Those seat covers are a rare find. I’ve seen them in airport restrooms and that’s about it.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 1:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   redheadwglasses

      yes to hand washing. No to hand sanitizer. Use hand sanitizer ONLY when hand washing isn’t an option (such as outdoor events with portapotties).

      Sep 6, 2013 at 1:08 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #15.3   sam

      You can’t get lice from a toilet, only from rubbing your bits against someone else’s. And even then, it’s probably much more difficult now, given that most people have no pubes.

      Sep 7, 2013 at 6:47 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #16   The Elf

    Why fairies? Really, it’s just going to reinforce to the hoverers out there that magic toilet fairies clean the seat after their done.

    Sep 6, 2013 at 1:19 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Tesselara

      Or, if we’re going with common PA refrains… their mothers.

      Sep 6, 2013 at 1:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #17   catethulhu

    Oh man, I love Legend of Zelda: a Link to the Past. I played that game all the time on the SNES.
    p.s. the cadence in that poem is off.

    Sep 6, 2013 at 9:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Bag of Magic Food

      The crazy thing is I recognize that fairy from Link: The Faces of Evil. “Here’s a life heart.” “Have some water of life!”

      Sep 10, 2013 at 2:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   catethulhu

      I never did play that one. I just remember it from the booklet when I bought Link to the Past. I don’t have the booklet anymore, but I still have the game. I do remember trying to draw the fairy when I was a kid. That was before they had names. They were just “fairy” or “fairy queen”.

      Sep 10, 2013 at 5:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #18   cmthomp

    Ugh! I HATE that people freaking hover. Its one of my pet peeves. SIT THE HELL DOWN OR GO PISS OUTSIDE. Its gross to hoover.

    Sep 7, 2013 at 9:37 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   L

      It’s not good for your lower bits, either. Can cause UTIs.

      Sep 8, 2013 at 11:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   wah?

      Uhhh … really? Must’ve sucked to be a female before the advent of toilets.

      Personally, I believe that one should check the seat no matter what their preferred pissing position. Pee on the seat is gross. Hovering, sitting, squatting, whatever works — just don’t leave the evidence on the seat!

      Sep 9, 2013 at 4:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #19   luna

    I wonder how many of these ladies that hover put their purse/bag down onto the filthy floor while doing so. Then of course place it onto their kitchen tables/counters once at home or bring it up onto the table when theyre out dining and looking for gloss or something.

    Sep 8, 2013 at 2:06 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #20   wait..what?

    Just a bit of info here. Many of the new designed eco friendly toilets flush so hard they send up spray which hits the seat. So Hovering may not be the problem.

    Either way, just check and wipe up before leaving the stall.

    And another little tip. NEVER have your face facing the toilet when flushing if there is no lid to close. Those new fangled toilets send up a micro spray which you can inhale and it is now on your face.

    How’s that for an ick factor?

    Sep 9, 2013 at 12:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Seanette

      Great, now the Special Precious Princess hovering germophobes will stop flushing!

      Sep 10, 2013 at 3:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #21   Lythande

    Silly submitter, thinking we’d be on the side of a hoverer.

    Sep 9, 2013 at 7:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up


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