Entries from September 2013

Drag Queen Problems

September 22nd, 2013 · 47 Comments

Spotted backstage at a resort in St. Petersburg, Florida — drama! 

ALL DRAG QUEENS: ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT JOBS AS A QUEEN IS LIPSYNCHING!!!!!! WE HAVE RECEIVED MANY COMPLAINTS ABOUT PERFORMERS NOT KNOWING THEIR WORD. THEREFORE WE WILL BE WATCHING VERY CLOSELY WEATHER [SIC] YOU KNOW YOUR WORDS OR NOT!!!! WATERMELON, WATERMELON, MOTHER FUCKER, WATERMELON WILL NOT WORK ANYMORE. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW YOUR WORDS YOU WILL NOT BE PAID FOR THAT NUMBER!!!! THATS ALL QUEEN.............

Or, as RuPaul put it:

related: Stripper Problems

Tags: bold-underlined-caps · ellipses-crazed · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Florida · most popular notes of 2013 · spelling and grammar police

The story of STUPID CAT

September 19th, 2013 · 85 Comments

Before you cry “FAKE!” — I would have filed this away in the “too-good-to-be-true,” pile, had not Deniz in Ontario stepped forward to admit that he is the mad man behind this posters. Explains Deniz: “I made this flyer because I had had enough of this STUPID CAT wrecking my flowers and window screen, but in the end all it accomplished was making my boyfriend think I was crazy. Oh, and I put my real phone number on it (stupid).”

I’ve gotta say, Deniz, you had me at “photo of similar looking cat.” This is my favorite crazypants submission in a long, long time.

WHOSE STUPID CAT IS THIS??? (photo of similar looking cat)  If you know whose STUPID CAT this is, contact 705-XXX-XXXX with information.  Your stupid female grey and cream cat with a PINK collar keeps squashing my plants and ATTACKING my window screen to bug my well behaved indoor cat.  PLEASE do something about your STUPID CAT or I WILL NOT BE NICE.

Adds Deniz: “The STUPID CAT still remains at large. I have given up on planting flowers.”

related: Beware of barking mad cat lovers!

Tags: cats · crazypants · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · most popular notes of 2013 · Ontario

Hotheads & potheads

September 18th, 2013 · 23 Comments

Move it along, stoners…

This is a Hibiscus plant Do not cut! This is not a marijuana plant! Cutting anymore from this irreplaceable plant will KILL it!

And while you’re at it…

This is my pot. Wash it NOW.

(Thanks to Cindy in Spokane and Anonymous in Queens submitting!)

related: Yo, hemphead!

Tags: dishes · drugs · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens

Is that a chicken wing in your pocket, or…

September 16th, 2013 · 18 Comments

Those must be some darn big pockets you’ve got there, Elwood.

Elwood- I have you on video tape stuffing chicken wings in your pockets! You owe $82. Roper

(Thanks to Jessi in Illinois for submitting!)

related: A Roadside Intervention

extra credit: “Men accused of stealing $65,000 in chicken wings” [cbsatlanta.com]

Tags: food · Illinois · money · most popular notes of 2013 · public shaming · small town living · stealing

The Big Brother’s Guide to Little Sisters

September 16th, 2013 · 52 Comments

When she was growing up, Jennifer in New York says she always wanted a big brother. “Now that I have three children of my own,” she writes, “I thought I could live vicariously through my daughter, the middle child.” However, finding this “to-do list” on top of her eldest son’s homework has made her consider that vision. (God help this kid’s future crushes!)

Friday: spy Saturday: scare her Sunday: run away Monday: hide trains Tuesday: sneak and pinch her butt Wednesday: copy her Thursday: go see her when going to bathroom Friday: steal her backpack Saturday: baby talk Sunday: sneak under the piano when she is practicing Monday: talk about funny things about her on facebook Tuesday: hide library books (if she has some)

related: No girls allowed!

Tags: kids · most popular notes of 2013 · not so much passive-aggressive · siblings

A high-concept take-down of Chicago-style politics

September 12th, 2013 · 49 Comments

Earlier this week, on her usual walk to work across the UChicago campus, Lauren noticed a board topped by a cement block covering an open manhole. Then other day, however, she walked past the same spot to find this ingenious work of civic protest/prankery.

Dear residents of South Blackstone Ave,  Thank you for your many phone calls and personal appeal to city workers. We are finally able to address your concerns regarding this unsecured manhole.  After several months of careful review, we have decided that a few crappy pieces of wood hastily nailed together and light enough for any curious eight year old boy to move, is sufficient to guarantee everyone’s safety.  Please understand that currently, various departments of the city are operating under budget cuts, including the C.D.M.C. (Chicago Department of Manhole Covers). This department is severely understaffed with only two-hundred and fifty workers to answer phones and another fifty to replace missing manhold covers. WE do have one brand new manhole cover which fits this very opening. However, it is designated “reserve” manhole cover and is not available for actual use.  Regardless, our safety engineers assure us that an unsecured hold large enough for a grown man to fit in, poses no danger to small children or pets. Therefore, it will remain exactly like this from now on and forever. Please take care to get used to this situation and try your best not to break your f*cking leg in the winter when the ground is covered with a foot of snow.  Office of the Mayor,  Rahm Emanuel  Removing this sign or any sign bearing the City of Chicago seal, carries a penalty of two years in prison and a fine of $300,000

Adds Lauren: “I’m most impressed by the obvious work involved in the sign’s construction, but bonus points are due for capturing the speaking style of our salty mayor.” (And yes, Lauren says: Chicago’s city seal really does include the image of a baby floating on a cloud.)

Dear residents of South Blackstone Ave,  Thank you for your many phone calls and personal appeal to city workers. We are finally able to address your concerns regarding this unsecured manhole.  After several months of careful review, we have decided that a few crappy pieces of wood hastily nailed together and light enough for any curious eight year old boy to move, is sufficient to guarantee everyone’s safety.  Please understand that currently, various departments of the city are operating under budget cuts, including the C.D.M.C. (Chicago Department of Manhole Covers). This department is severely understaffed with only two-hundred and fifty workers to answer phones and another fifty to replace missing manhold covers. WE do have one brand new manhole cover which fits this very opening. However, it is designated “reserve” manhole cover and is not available for actual use.  Regardless, our safety engineers assure us that an unsecured hold large enough for a grown man to fit in, poses no danger to small children or pets. Therefore, it will remain exactly like this from now on and forever. Please take care to get used to this situation and try your best not to break your f*cking leg in the winter when the ground is covered with a foot of snow.  Office of the Mayor,  Rahm Emanuel  Removing this sign or any sign bearing the City of Chicago seal, carries a penalty of two years in prison and a fine of $300,000

related: Governor of California to State Senate: “Get Stuffed.”

Tags: Chicago · most popular notes of 2013 · raging against the machine · smartass

Anti-social networking

September 11th, 2013 · 35 Comments

Just a reminder, folks: updating your newsfeed = not actually the same thing as genuine social interaction.

E Murphy: is in a relationship P Murphy: apparently not with his mother!

Ryan: I love my friends Todd: including the ones you ignore regularly? Briana: i AGREE WITH THE GUY ABOVE!

related: Because you’re not really knocked up until Facebook says so
extra credit: Facebook is bad and makes you feel bad [newyorker.com]

Tags: frenemies · Mother-son notes · oh snap

Gee, I’m glad my car could ease your conscience

September 9th, 2013 · 76 Comments

Courtney’s friend Tom found this note — from our newest contender for douchecanoe of the year) — on the windshield of his Toyota FJ Cruiser.

Hi, I hit your lower passenger side bumper on my way into the spot next to you. I guess that is what happens when you drive a gas-guzzling wanna-be Jeep — so I don't feel so bad.  Hope you have insurance!

related: Yeah, I dinged your car, but you kinda deserved it

Tags: car · don't blame us · Park City · parking · questionable logic

Ever wondered what it would be like sharing an office with William Carlos Williams?

September 8th, 2013 · 54 Comments

First with the plums, now lemons? Seriously, Bill?

I hope you enjoyed the half lemon I had just taken out of the fridge. Next time buy your own. We all Work for ourselves not to feed Strangers.

And by the way, I’d like my red wheelbarrow back, please. (So much depends upon it, after all.)

HELP YOURSELF But NOT to the Wheelbarrow (like last year) please!

(Thanks to our submitters Sarah in NYC and Steve in the U.K.)

related: What rhymes with putrid?

extra credit: This Is Just to Say

Tags: food · New York · office fridge · pure poetry · stealing

Dear toilet fairies: You totally suck at poetry.

September 5th, 2013 · 66 Comments

Katie says this was propped up in the ladies room at a senior citizen apartment building in Florida. Adds Katie: “I don’t care that they think the floor is dirtier, I’m not touching the floor either!”

Tinkle, tinkle, little star, Above the potty you hover so far. Crouching but high and almost motionless, Trying to avoid any germs, I guess. Very little do you know, More trouble lurks far below. You needn't worry about germs on the seat, Because the real germs to avoid are below you. Go ahead and plop your hinny right on down, You're sitting on the cleanest seat in town. Now, it you still insist on standing to pee, You are just leaving a mess for me. Author: Un-expecting Victim

related: Hover & Flow(chart); The Rhyme That Must Be Flushed

Tags: clip art catastrophe · Florida · old folks · pure poetry · toilet