My bowels are irritable, and so am I!

October 3rd, 2013 · 31 comments

Writes our submitter in Alabama: “After the both men’s rooms in our office suffered from some serious anal explosions, our boss sent around an accusatory email,” which everyone in the office assumed was directed toward a particular coworker, Dan. “Dan vehemently maintains his innocence,” our submitter says, “and in an effort to ‘prove’ it, he posted this note above one of the desecrated toilets.”

IF YOU CLOG UP THIS TOILET AND DO NOT UNCLOG IT, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, AND PUT THE  DIRTY PLUNGER ON YOUR DESK.  I'M TIRED OF TAKING SHIT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT. -DAN

related: A diarrhea-only toilet?

FILED UNDER: all clogged up · not-so-veiled threats · office · shit · toilet


31 responses so far ↓

  • #1   yo girl

    me thinks Dan doth protest too much…

    Oct 3, 2013 at 7:12 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   R

      Um yeah … Dan’s the culprit.

      Oct 3, 2013 at 8:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   TRT

      His name’s Dan?
      Dan Dan, the lavatory man?
      Chief inspector of the out house clan?
      He issues the tissues, paper, and towels
      And listens to the sounds of the rumbling bowels
      Down, down, down below the ground
      Where all the little poopies are swimming around
      There sits Dan, the lavatory man,
      Scooping up the poopy in his little tin can!

      Oct 4, 2013 at 5:18 am   rating: 62  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   DaveGI

      Things were simpler before indoor plumbing…

      In olden days when knights were bold,
      And toilets were not yet invented,
      They dumped their loads along the roads,
      And walked away contented.

      Oct 9, 2013 at 2:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   RedDelicious

    It’s usually true that, when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me, as the old adage goes. But if it’s a small office, which this seems to be, there has to be some truth to the rumors of Dan’s explosive situation… or the rumors wouldn’t really exist, would they?

    Oct 3, 2013 at 7:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   SkarKlaw

      Unless the originator of the rumor is the actual culprit and is using Dan to divert suspicion…..

      Oct 4, 2013 at 10:29 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   redheadwglasses

      You know what happens when you assume? It makes an ass out of you and umption!

      Oct 4, 2013 at 11:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Madrias

    You know that old childhood saying, “He who smelt it, dealt it” might have some merit here.

    Either it’s Dan, playing a game of “cover my ass”, or it’s the boss who sent the email in the first place, knowing no one, not even his assistant would say so much as a fart about it.

    Oct 3, 2013 at 7:20 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   jdaniel

      I believe an investigation using forensic discovery and DNA analysis is warranted. The guilty must be punished, the innocent vindicated. This sh!t must stop, and floral harmony reintroduced.

      Oct 5, 2013 at 2:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Sachi

    Alliances are formed in the latest edition of “Game of Porcelain Thrones” Dan always pays his debts.

    Oct 3, 2013 at 8:10 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Prince says

    Undercover Boss needs to cover this joint….watch the bossman cry at the end. what boss needs to talk shit more than they do?

    The Boss did it. In the restroom. With a candlestick.

    Oct 3, 2013 at 8:16 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   K

      Was it a scented candle? Because that might actually make the situation better.

      Oct 3, 2013 at 11:53 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Ruby

      A joint probably would too.

      Oct 4, 2013 at 12:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   bob loblaw

    Here I sit broken hearted,
    Paid my dime and only farted,
    Tomorrow I think I’ll take a chance,
    Keep my money and shit my pants.

    Oct 3, 2013 at 8:24 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Lil'

      Not even the words of Walt Whitman have captivated my mind so.

      Oct 4, 2013 at 7:24 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Tard

    This is actionable against the boss and company.
    I’d love to take this case.

    Oct 3, 2013 at 9:36 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   krisscop

    From Deep within My cranium…
    this Prediction I will make…
    IF you eat Uranium
    You’ll have
    ATOMIC ache.

    I know it’s not real topic appropriate, but just remembered it after the other Ditty.

    Oct 3, 2013 at 9:44 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   H for Toy

    Thank you for all the bathroom poems. You guys know I love that stuff ;)

    Oct 4, 2013 at 7:48 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Belaani

    So… what’s a toilet for, if not to shit in? For christs’ sake it’s a TOILET, people! Do you seriously expect it to smell like fucking roses?

    Oct 4, 2013 at 9:59 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   The Elf

      Your shit doesn’t?!

      Seriously, I agree. It’s a toilet. It’s gonna stink. But clogging it up is a whole different thing. If you clog the toilet, it’s on you to fix the problem with minimal impact to everyone else.

      Oct 4, 2013 at 10:20 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   kermit

      After it’s been cleaned, no a toilet is not supposed to reek of anything.

      If it does, you’ve got some festering, major issues with your plumbing/pipes. Unless you like surprise sewage in your bathroom/kitchen, you need to call a plumber pronto.

      Oct 5, 2013 at 7:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   The Elf

    Maybe the office needs to invest in some Poo-Pourri.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY

    Oct 4, 2013 at 10:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   oldnorthstate

    Lazy men come to sit and think,
    Odious Dan has come to sh@t and stink.
    The Boss is vexed Dan clogged the stalls,
    He’ll be first to go when the layoff axe falls.

    Oct 4, 2013 at 11:46 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Wench

    BOTH toilets were clogged? Wow, that must either have been one hell of a BM or there’s more than one culprit here……

    Oct 4, 2013 at 7:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   21skulls

    I will never understand people who destroy a public toilet and not bother to clean up the mess.

    Oct 4, 2013 at 9:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Pkay

    Here’s a thought..maybe if they quit leaving a stack of paper towels on the back of the toilet it might help with the clog problem. Some people aren’t to brilliant!

    Oct 5, 2013 at 3:38 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   wanda

      Or they aren’t too brilliant either.

      Oct 5, 2013 at 8:26 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Raichu

    How exactly does Dan propose hunting people down? Can he identify individuals by the smell of their shit?

    Oct 5, 2013 at 8:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Sachi

      I’m rather partial to the idea that Dan may resort to the glad wrapping of the toilet bowl in order to compare fecal matter that he has scraped off the plunger. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that crap.

      Oct 5, 2013 at 11:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Raichu

      Very, VERY desperate measures, apparently.

      I’d rather read a hundred PANs in my workplace then get that up close and personal with someone else’s ass output.

      Oct 6, 2013 at 4:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Farrah | Free Animated Gif

    Well this is a strong reminder that ‘guilty’ individuals should not set aside…unless of course, you want filthy dirt all over your desk.

    Oct 8, 2013 at 8:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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