Basic hygiene: Sadly, one of those things that some people make it to college without learning…until they end up with a bio major for a roommate.
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Basic hygiene: Sadly, one of those things that some people make it to college without learning…until they end up with a bio major for a roommate.
FILED UNDER: college life · hygiene · It's science! · most popular notes of 2013 · odor · roommates · TL;DR
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206 responses so far ↓
#1
Scott Hall
fuck this guy
Oct 10, 2013 at 8:41 pm rating: 90
#2
nativefloridian
This letter was ok until the hoodie and sock times. That’s where it went off the rails.
Oct 10, 2013 at 8:48 pm rating: 90
#3
Rory
Just… why would anybody do this? Why would anyone go out of their way to be a condescending prick when confronting someone that they have to live with about a sensitive issue? Like, they could have just said, “Oh, by the way, no offense, but your clothes or your bed are getting a little stinky. Can you please do your laundry in case you have something growing in there?” It would be saying the exact same thing but causing minimal embarrassment to the roommate. It’s super easy. Then you can actually have a friendly relationship for the rest of however long you’re forced to live together without your roommate being afraid you’re going to go out of your way to humiliate them at the slightest displeasure.
When my nose was stuffed and I couldn’t smell anything, my roommate had to nicely ask me to clean my mice’s cage. I cleaned it, and then made sure to change their bedding more often after that. Problem solved. If she’d given me a note like this, I would’ve cleaned the cage (for the sake of the mice), and then made sure to fix myself a big plate of refried beans and broccoli for dinner every day for the rest of the week
Oct 10, 2013 at 9:07 pm rating: 90
#4
shesajem
This letter is f*cking amazing. The fact that he hand wrote it, makes it even better.
Oct 10, 2013 at 9:17 pm rating: 90
#5
STX
The sad part for me is that this is an exercise in futility – I was a stinky roommate (sorry, roomies! I had undiagnosed depression!) and this letter would just make me more depressed and more stinky. Just report them to the RA and get a room reassignment.
Oct 10, 2013 at 9:38 pm rating: 90
#6
H for Toy
I’d request a change of roommates. Not because he asked me to shower and do my laundry, but because he timed my farts.
Oct 10, 2013 at 9:39 pm rating: 90
#7
Ali Gutierrez
That handwriting is psychopathically neat and uniform- a harbinger of his unusually grandiose expectations of his college roommate.
Oct 10, 2013 at 9:54 pm rating: 90
#8
diogenes
“Cologne is not a substitute for a shower.” Maybe I need to write a letter to the Russians at my gym
Oct 10, 2013 at 9:57 pm rating: 90
#9
Rachael
“Underwear should be replaced in 24 hours. You will get skid marks if you wear them for more than 72 hours.” So many confusing thoughts…
Oct 10, 2013 at 9:58 pm rating: 90
#10
Keeristen
Sheldon?
Oct 10, 2013 at 10:00 pm rating: 90
#11
Elun
Roommate. From. Hell.
Oct 10, 2013 at 10:03 pm rating: 90
#12
Kara
I’d totally stick this guys toothbrush in the toilet water and fart on his pillow.
Oct 10, 2013 at 10:03 pm rating: 90
#13
Kara
Freud would have a field day with this guy.
Oct 10, 2013 at 10:05 pm rating: 90
#14
fuzzbutt
Sadly this just made me think about my hoarding husband’s room and his stink.
Oct 10, 2013 at 10:05 pm rating: 90
#15
FeRD
LOL. Holy wow.
Oh, that train has so sailed, Anonymous Germophobic Roommate With Severely Impaired Interpersonal Communication Skills. Is it OK if I just call you Agrwussicks? I like it because it has “wuss” in it.
No, the note is not “direct and to the point” or “just trying to be helpful” or whatever lie you’ve told yourself. The note is, to the extent that anyone could think it’s okay to write something this batshit-insane and present it to another human being, Exhibit A in your commitment hearing for the psych ward.
And when that time comes, let me predict — since you clearly don’t understand what “schadenfreude” actually means — that there will be a crowd of people taking delight in your misfortune.
Oct 10, 2013 at 10:18 pm rating: 90
#16
Rory Breaker
Feeling the need to write “$2,000.00″ in this context tells me this guy is just an anal-retentive douchecake.
Oct 10, 2013 at 10:28 pm rating: 90
#17
Sal
This guy is obsessed with farts. He probably stinks worse than the roommate :-/
Oct 10, 2013 at 10:38 pm rating: 90
#18
lemondrop
team notewriter simply because i once had that roommate . . . before the end of the year, i began tracking how frequently she changed clothes and showered. she typically only showered once a week and only changed clothes twice a week . . . she slept in the same clothes and everything. she also liked to do things like leave half a tuna sandwich under a halogen lamp and go to class, which meant the room reeked when i got back . . . talking to her accomplished nothing, talking to the ra accomplished nothing, and there were no rooms available to move to. sooooo, college dorm hell . . . yes, team notewriter.
Oct 10, 2013 at 10:41 pm rating: 90
#19
Liz
Team notewriter, here, too. People should just friggin’ deal with their aromas, already. And if you’re farting that much, you need to look at your diet, man. Be a friend, shit.
Oct 10, 2013 at 10:56 pm rating: 90
#20
Babs
Team notewriter. He might be a bit nut, but ill take nuts over cheesy funk any day.
Oct 10, 2013 at 11:00 pm rating: 90
#21
Ajax
You know what’s really bugging this guy? His roommate PILES CLOTHES TO DO LATER.
Oct 10, 2013 at 11:17 pm rating: 90
#22
Yamasmoochie
Team Notewriter. I’ve seen this in a dorm. The guy was so unwashed and filthy the hall stank within 6 feet of his door. He got fined for the filth they had to literally shovel out of his room at Christmas (he had to move because it was uninhabitable) and a couch he claimed as his own in the common room smelled so bad after 4 months of him parking on it, the administrators threw it out.
Oct 10, 2013 at 11:33 pm rating: 90
#23
Redheadwglasses
TLDF. Too long didn’t finish. That was SO obnoxious (take another shower?) that I am anti note writer.
Oct 11, 2013 at 12:03 am rating: 90
#24
VM
“Pants are up to <48 hours."
Does that translate to "up to less than?"
How disappointing! If not for that one slip, that one discordance in an otherwise perfectly anal-retentive sermon, the note-writer would have apotheosized to become the demigod of didactic douchebaggery.
Oct 11, 2013 at 12:43 am rating: 90
#25
JoshuOrc
The most disturbing thing about this note is that Writer believes farts produce fecal residue. Maybe Writer needs to change their diet.
Also does Writer really think that Stinker will read this long-ass crazy note and think “Wow! How considerate! Writer personally hand-wrote the Body Hygiene, Laundry, Odor Prevention and Timed Farting Manual just for me. My days of never changing my socks and sleeping in a nest of stink are over, starting now. I will have this document laminated and refer to it daily. How did I ever manage before Writer?”
Oct 11, 2013 at 3:58 am rating: 90
#26
DS
Outdoor cats.
Oct 11, 2013 at 6:49 am rating: 90
#27
kermit
I will never understand why people voluntarily choose to live in campus housing. You’re paying obscene amounts of money to live in sub-par conditions, eat beans and pasta at twice the markup with people you may not even get along with. And depending on the school, they make you leave as soon as you’re done writing your last exam.
And you “have” to take all this shit for the same price you would be paying renting an apartment by yourself* and/or with people you actually like and get along with. (*unless you live in NYC, London, SF or other obscenely expensive city.)
Oct 11, 2013 at 6:55 am rating: 90
#28
Nola
Wow, a super neat handwritten note this long.. I imagine my hand giving up on me after the 2nd paragraph. He had plenty of time to reconsider posting it.
Oct 11, 2013 at 7:22 am rating: 90
#29
Tard
I had this roommate 35 years ago.
Oct 11, 2013 at 7:46 am rating: 90
#30
Casey
Nice handwriting.
Oct 11, 2013 at 9:46 am rating: 90
#31
Quite Contrary
“That’s about it for now.” How could there possibly be more??
Oct 11, 2013 at 11:34 am rating: 90
#32
Ace of Space
Dear Notewriter,
Just have a tantrum and be done with it.
Love, Everyone else.
Oct 11, 2013 at 11:48 am rating: 90
#33
Tom
If I were the OP I’d simply have said “CLEAN YOUR SHIT, WASH YOURSELF, STOP WEARING COLOGNE, MAYBE SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT THE EXCESSIVE FARTING, THANKS”
And not timed his wake-up farts in the morning. Seriously….timed the farts. Does he stand there air-testing them and come to the conclusion that “you had 10 grams too much sugar yesterday”?
Seriously though don’t be a dirty pig in the first place.
Oct 11, 2013 at 12:14 pm rating: 90
#34
warns
If this is a dorm situation, I’d say johnny notewriter needs his own room. This is on some “doesn’t play well with others” nonsense. “Hey, do your laundry” would’ve been fine, “Follow two pages worth of rules” is more I’m gonna kill you in your sleep.
Oct 11, 2013 at 1:13 pm rating: 90
#35
Moe
“I’m detecting foul body odor coming from your bed sheets and closet.”
Letter Writer had me on his side with those words. But how on earth did he think the next two (handwritten!) pages of general craziness were going to help? You write the two pages of craziness for yourself, to make yourself feel better. Then you tuck it away and never share it with anyone else.
To maybe actually solve your problem, you write a note like this:
It’s still a candidate for this website, but it might actually be productive.
Oct 11, 2013 at 2:02 pm rating: 90
#36
The Elf
With a letter this long, I started to read it closely, then got bored and began to skim. Thus, my reading experience was a little like this:
“…..the bacteria feed on human excretions…. DO NOT PILE THEM TO DO LATER. ”
What, the bacteria or the human excretions? Because, really, if you need to tell people not to pile their bacteria, you have roommate issues beyond what can be solved through roommate mediation. Human excretions naturally piles itself, but hopefully in a toilet where it is easily disposed of.
Unless it is a big job. The pipes can’t handle that.
Oct 11, 2013 at 4:06 pm rating: 90
#37
lupanime
No rocket pubes?
I’m disappointed.
Oct 11, 2013 at 6:39 pm rating: 90
#38
Poltergeist
Yeah, this is one of those notes where you start off agreeing with the original point but can’t actually bring yourself to take the notewriter’s side because they come off as an anal-retentive lunatic which in turn causes you to question the the validity of their initial complaint.
And if you’re going to describe poop as “fecal residue” and skin oil as “sebaceous gland secretions,” the least you can do is follow through on your forced intellectualism and refer to farting as “flatulence,” you pompous priss.
Team Nobody.
Oct 11, 2013 at 7:01 pm rating: 90
#39
Timmy D
I sweated just reading this.
Oct 11, 2013 at 7:32 pm rating: 90
#40
sunshynegrll
You had me at “countdown timer of farts”.
Yes, it’s scathingly pedantic, patronizing, and bizarre, but it is a brilliant work of passive-aggressive notewriting. I can tell it’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Oct 11, 2013 at 8:49 pm rating: 90
#41
Lurtle
Oh. My.
Nice manifesto,psycho.
Is it possible the smell is from the numerous corpses he/she may have piled up in their home?
Very, very arrogant to give so many rules for day-to-day living, requiring that others do exactly what they do.
Fine, your roommate smells? Move.
Oct 12, 2013 at 12:57 am rating: 90
#42
BetsyFloss
If the person is that smelly, I don’t think it’s a big deal to receive a note asking them to use proper hygiene, even if it’s this long. You’re a grown up now. You should know better than to not wash. It’s not actually that easy to switch roommates in college, and it’s not fair to make your roommate live with your stank.
Oct 12, 2013 at 1:14 am rating: 90
#43
Gladystopia
I love you people. Best comment section, EVER.
Oct 12, 2013 at 1:16 am rating: 90
#44
BetsyFloss
Also, very nice, all the people calling the note-writer a lunatic and a psycho. Did you know there’s actually nothing wrong with being anal-retentive or OCD or having autism or Aspergers or whatever might be going on with this person? You guys do know it’s okay to be those things, right?
Oct 12, 2013 at 1:17 am rating: 90
#45
bearywhite
i would actually like the note writer as a roomate/housemate. dont care if he/she timed my farts. as a chemist graduate, i’d probably would have done the same thing.
Oct 12, 2013 at 8:35 am rating: 90
#46
Kit McKenzie
I suspect that this isn’t the first attempt to get through to the dirty roommate, but I may be wrong. Either way, the precision and detail of this is hilarious and delightful. Go big or go home.
Oct 12, 2013 at 6:06 pm rating: 90
#47
Kelly
When I finished reading this note, my instinctual reaction was to stand and give the note writer a round of applause. Brilliantly executed, right to the jugular. I thought the directions, though maybe a bit over the top, were a masterful way of demeaning the note recipient, without blatantly calling him an imbicile.
To the people on team note recipient, clearly this person has an issue showering, doing laundry or keeping tidy. From what we’ve learned in the note, he is literally living and sleeping in his own sweat, filth and odor. They are obviously college students and the fact that an 18+ year old hasn’t figured out basic hygiene yet is sad and disgusting. This person needs to head the advice of his roommate and clean the fuck up. Ain’t no defending this nasty mother-f’er.
Oct 13, 2013 at 11:18 am rating: 90
#48
Munkie Wrench
I’m jealous of everybody who has never met someone who didn’t know these basic rules of personal hygiene. Some people really have no idea that daily bathing, routine laundry, and basic cleanliness are required to not be a walking biohazard.
The only reason that normal people who had concerned parents/caretakers know this shit is because we learned everything in this note over a period of years. It’s unfortunate if this guy made it to 17/18/whatever without someone informing him of this stuff, but that’s no excuse to not learn.
Oct 13, 2013 at 3:19 pm rating: 90
#49
S. Crawford
I would have thought this was penmanship major…
Oct 13, 2013 at 7:05 pm rating: 90
#50
redheadwglasses
I just remembered this story from college: MY college boyfriend “Andy” had an older brother, “Evan.” Evan is a bit odd, but extremely smart (engineer who worked on the space shuttle). While in college, Evan was into weight lifting, but would shower only once a week. He figurd, “I’m not DIRTY, so why should I shower?” It got to the point where his roommate and friends were bribing him with weight lifting magazines in order to get him to shower.
Finally, his senior year, his dad sat him down and said, “I understand that you don’t think you need to shower every day. It doesn’t matter. If you want a job, and if you want to KEEP a job, you must shower every day, no matter what. Even if you’re sure you don’t need it, just do it.”
He followed his dad’s advice, grudgingly, but only as an employment-related reason.
Then he made a ton of money working for NASA and retired to Hawaii around age 40, where he lives a somewhat hermit-like lifestyle.
Oct 15, 2013 at 11:32 am rating: 90
#51
the cat
on dorm living – yes it was sometimes an exercise in patience and tolerance (not a good experience with frosh roomie and about the boyfriend of next roomie – well, less said the better) but actually those were a great four years. There was always someone nearby to chat with when you had writer’s block or burble at when you got a brainstorm. There were discussions in the hallway that sent your brain into creative overdrive. Shared laughter and tears – the best kind of community including the rather gentle pranks played on people who irritated us by missing a community norm. But really – great unique experience and good practice for the being tolerant and being tolerable that keeps my marriage working.
Oct 15, 2013 at 4:34 pm rating: 90
#52
sharon
Wow. This guy is on a one-way trip to getting soap-in-a-pillowcase’d. Furthermore, $2k? $2k for a semester? This guy can go right ahead and get fucked. I’d tie him up in his sleep and cut on him to teach him how to respect my desire for him to be fucking silent and ever-not-present.
Oct 16, 2013 at 6:27 am rating: 90
#53
Carmen
I need to marry the writer of this letter. I am smitten. I had some NASTY STINKY roommates so I totally sympathize.
Oct 18, 2013 at 8:46 am rating: 90
#54
josh
Judging from the sheer level of passive-aggressiveness this note is dripping with; the author is probably in the double digits of attempts to trying to get his roomie to clean up. Moreover, from the level of filthiness described in the note, I can only surmise that the roommate is either a spoiled douche who never had to clean up after himself (and likely doesn’t pay a dime for tuition or cost of living) and/or has some sort of mental issue. In my experience, it’s typically the latter.
Oct 21, 2013 at 5:09 am rating: 90
#55
Del
I hope the recipient of this note was given, by his uni, a solo room free of added fees because clearly the note-writer is a controlling nutjob. Who could live with that person? What happened to, “Dude, you’re stinking up the room. Wash your crap or I’m talking to the RA.” Instead he/she writes a novel of bossy weirdness? Lordy.
Oct 29, 2013 at 1:14 am rating: 90
#56
Ann
Is it just me? Or is this the neatest fricking handwriting anyone can read? It’s like they either have a genius IQ or OCD or something. I read about a scientific study on handwriting and how really smart people have really neat handwriting.
Oct 30, 2013 at 1:33 pm rating: 90
#57
Patton303
I would murder this motherfucker…. Twice just to make sure.
Nov 3, 2013 at 9:16 pm rating: 90
#58
Yikes.
The handwriting is so precise. And the PS paragraph looks like it is actually written in italics. The roommate needs to just move out before he wakes up one day to this guy standing over him with a knife.
Nov 29, 2013 at 8:10 pm rating: 90
#59
AssiveProgressive
There is a man in my office who smells just god-awful. So bad that the area around his desk still smells after he has gone home. Should I print out this note and give it to him?
Dec 4, 2013 at 12:43 am rating: 90
#60
caroline
Note writer just needs to get laid for the first time. Seriously.
Jan 26, 2014 at 1:24 am rating: 90
#61
caroline
He starts the note with “I’m detecting some foul body odor coming from your closet and bed sheets” — Clearly homeboy has been snooping around his bedroom while he wasn’t there. And counting his farts in his sleep. Creepy!
Jan 26, 2014 at 1:32 am rating: 90
#62
pantaloonfan
Only completely insane people have handwriting like that. I would fart on EVERYTHING THEY OWNED if I got that note.
Feb 4, 2014 at 12:01 pm rating: 90
#63
Corey
I do not know if any of you noticed, but the note writer, is an obsessive compulsive personality type.
Which means that, I doubt anyone, would have been able to appease this person. Short of moving out.
Jun 25, 2016 at 4:52 pm rating: 0
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