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The mystery of the mischievous, murderous cat

October 16th, 2013 · 78 comments

Toby in the U.K. found this note taped to his front door, and found it a bit baffling — not to mention disturbing — given that he doesn’t own a cat. “I can only imagine what these ‘defensive measures’ might be,” Toby says. “I hope the cat in question can avoid them.”

And when it comes to the idea of “disciplining” your cat, I can’t even imagine what that might mean.

(just click the image below to enlarge)

Dear Neighbour,  Please can you stop your cat coming into my house. I have to leave my cat flap open for my cat but your cat is causing lots of mischeif. It is a black long haired cat I have seen you feeding him so I know he is your cat. She has already pooped on my rug which cost £50 (and another £30 to clean) and last week he was trying to murder the goldfish in my pond. Please discipline your cat or I will be forced to take defensive measures, and it would be better for all concerned if it does not come to that.  With Kind Regards, Howard  (From No. 32, the house with the blue door)

related: Your cat. Your choice.

FILED UNDER: cats · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · Oops? · questionable logic · U.K.

78 responses so far ↓

  • #1   esaowiurjhweiur

    I wonder what the writers cat gets up to when it leaves the house.

    Glass houses, stones, etc.

    “discipline a cat” WTF? If you could figure that out, you’d be a millionaire.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 12:46 pm   rating: 68  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   The Elf

      It goes into the other cat’s house to poop on the rug. Who wouldn’t?

      Oct 17, 2013 at 10:16 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Belaani

      It probably means turning a power washer on him.

      Oct 19, 2013 at 6:34 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #2   shainski

    I actually think that this is a good note – because the writer put his name and how to find him on the note.

    Often these notes are totally one-sided – and don’t allow for any follow up – because of the omission of that.

    So, while the note is mildly threatening, it allows some interaction.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 12:51 pm   rating: 82  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   redheadwglasses

      ITA. And he doesn’t really threaten the cat, just says he’ll use “defensive” measures. That could be a water pistol.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 7:31 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #3   Termagant

    If the rug only cost $30 to clean then why is the original cost of the rug relevant? You don’t clean a rug and then replace it.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 12:51 pm   rating: 44  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Nic

      Maybe he’s pointing out that if the cat poops on it again, he’ll have spent more on cleaning than the rug is worth? Which is fair enough, but I’d be tempted to point out to him that at least it was on a (removable) rug and not on a carpet…

      Oct 19, 2013 at 6:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #4   missgnomers

    I’m wondering what the original 50 pounds was for if it was 30 pounds to clean it….did he charge the cat 50 for pooping there? I’m so confused….

    Oct 16, 2013 at 12:52 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   lady

      The rug cost 50 pounds and he had to pay 30 pounds to clean it.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 1:00 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #5   shwo! bang

    Hey, you leave your cat flap open, you’re going to get cats. That’s why I installed a bourbon and dames flap at my place.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 1:08 pm   rating: 196  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   AP

      He should get a squirt gun and spray the cat every time it comes in. It’ll learn to stop coming in his house eventually.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 2:36 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Snowflame

      Or the cat will come back with squirt guns of it’s own, and notewriter will be forced to become an outdoor human.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 3:33 pm   rating: 84  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   redheadwglasses

      Your flap is defective, shwo, because it let ME in with nothing but PBR tall boys!

      Oct 16, 2013 at 7:33 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   shwo! bang

      Oh, redheadwglasses, you’re welcome through my cat flap any time. Wait, that didn’t sound right.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 8:28 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   TKD

      Where can I get one of those redheadwPBRtallboys flaps?

      Oct 17, 2013 at 12:03 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #5.6   TKD

      Where can I get one of those redheadwPBRtallboys flaps?

      Oct 17, 2013 at 12:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #6   Jami

    *goes puts on her fire resistant armor and prepares for another round of Indoor Cat VS Outdoor Cat*

    Oct 16, 2013 at 1:09 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   H for Toy

      I thought maybe you were going to try to get through shwo!’s cat flap.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 1:13 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Snowflame

      To be fair, if the place is on fire, I think you’re allowed to take the cat outside no matter what. Though we might want to refer that one to the line judge.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 3:35 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   Lil'

      @Jami – Shhh!! Don’t plant the seed!

      Oct 16, 2013 at 3:55 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   Jami

      Lil, the seed was planted long ago – it’s now a raging forest. A forest full of cats.

      H, nah – now if it was Rufus Sewell’s cat flap….

      Oct 18, 2013 at 8:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #7   H for Toy

    This handwriting is refreshingly messy, after the disturbingly neat specimens we’ve had in the last couple notes. The old PAN I know and love is back.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 1:12 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #8   Raichu

    “Discipline” a cat? Nobody disciplines cats. You don’t know anything about cats, note-writer.

    Another interesting thing to note is that many people feed cats that do not actually belong to them, because cats wander around looking cute for everyone and adopting various people’s services at whim.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 1:45 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   JK

      I don’t know if it’s just where I live, but if you feed a cat or dog, the law assumes it’s yours. If you don’t want to get in trouble for what it does to others or maybe failing to get it rabies vaccinations, don’t put food out. Or don’t get caught. Now sure lots of people might feed the same cat and think it’s theirs, but it just depends on the facts of the situation as to whether the pet’s attributed to you for liability purposes.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 4:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   redheadwglasses

      Actually, *I* discipline my cats. Mostly the first year or two, and then after that, there’s little need. They know that there is no bathing allowed on the bed (or they get shoved off after one verbal warning). (I hate that jiggle jiggle jiggle on the bed when I’m trying to sleep.) Friends are amazed at how my cats tolerate my up-close-and-personal inspections of my cats’ eyes, ears, nose, and teeth. They know that the moment they claw/scratch me, they are getting smacked. As a result, my cats are still pretty wonderful creatures, but they let me and their vet do whatever we need to do to them.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 7:35 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   redheadwglasses

      However, I once had a brain damaged kitty. We’d come home to find him sitting on the stove. couldn’t really discipline or teach him; he was special needs. Cool guy.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 9:20 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   Gajic

      You have to discipline the cat exactly as they are doing something. If you try and discipline them afterwards they won’t make the connection. They’ll just wonder why you’re being mean for no reason.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 10:34 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #9   My name is Princess!

    Dear Howard,

    To prevent cats from having access to your rug, you might want to consider blocking the entrance.


    Oct 16, 2013 at 1:59 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #10   Nat

    Is nobody else in love with the ‘best wishes’ sticker? I think that’s my favourite part.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 2:10 pm   rating: 50  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Ace of Space

      Seems like the best wishes sticker should have a cat on it instead of a horse. Or maybe that’s just me.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 2:48 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Ash

      That horse looks suspiciously sheep-like to me, Ace. :) It really should be a cat, though.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 3:18 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   it's naptime

      I thought it was a goat. Must be one of those Rorschach best wishes stickers.
      “I got no fuckin’ dukes!” (Had to put that. Can’t think goats without that popping into my head.)

      Oct 16, 2013 at 5:19 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   Maitri

      It adds that special touch that means so much. I think it’s a sheep.

      Oct 17, 2013 at 8:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #10.5   lurleene

      And the sticker says “PETA”. I wonder how they’d feel about those defensive measures.

      Oct 17, 2013 at 11:48 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.6   L

      …I thought it was a llama.

      Oct 17, 2013 at 1:21 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #11   K

    Am I the only one who’s slightly disturbed by the changing pronouns when referring to the cat? Not that I think the cat cares, but being so inconsistent is kind of strange.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 2:46 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   LCally

      Thank goodness you noticed, too!

      What sort of defense measures is Howard planning to take?

      Oct 16, 2013 at 2:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Agg-reeable

      Yes, the shifting gender of the pronouns struck me as odd, too.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 9:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   JD

      Maybe the shifting of the gender pronoun means that some sort of defensive measure was already taken…

      Oct 16, 2013 at 9:28 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

  • #12   macphile

    “Please discipline your cat”

    I love it!

    Oct 16, 2013 at 3:10 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   The Gecko Hunter

      And maybe the “cat” does as well?

      Oct 16, 2013 at 4:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #13   Shitmom

    Since when does it cost £30 to clean some cat shit off a rug? I’m just wondering because I do this quite often and no one has ever paid me a dime. Or a pence.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 3:12 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   magicdomino

      Especially since the neighbor has a cat. Surely, the neighbor’s cat barfs on the rug, if nothing else. Don’t most cat (and dog) owners keep Nature’s Miracle around for accidents? Or am I the only one here who buys it by the gallon?

      Oct 16, 2013 at 4:41 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Belaani

      Because it’s easier to get rid of spent uranium than the smell of cat shit.

      Oct 17, 2013 at 9:49 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   TattooedA

      Seriously. A little vinegar water, a scrub brush, and some elbow grease. I have six pets, including a cat, a dog, and a puppy. I’ve never paid anyone to clean up any of their bodily functions because who has that sort of money?

      Oct 17, 2013 at 9:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #14   Kat

    Is anyone else seeing the Stanley Steemer ad next this post? Talk about your targeted advertising….

    Oct 16, 2013 at 3:25 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Kieron

      No, because I have AdBlock and a few other nifty widgets and apps that block that crap from showing up on my screen.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 5:09 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   H for Toy

      No, but I love it when I get ads that fit the note, Kat. Makes me chuckle every time.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 9:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.3   Janey

      Mine’s for Tidy Cats!

      Oct 17, 2013 at 10:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.4   poopypants

      No, but I would like everyone to know how superior I am for having add-ons that block ads. You inferior ad-seeing person you.

      Oct 18, 2013 at 12:03 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #14.5   wagsrn1

      Actually the ad that I see is for Astroglide . . .go figure . . .

      Nov 6, 2013 at 3:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   shwo! bang

    By any chance, did the cat keep asking, “Where’s the money, Lebowski?”

    Oct 16, 2013 at 5:30 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   H for Toy

      Have I told you lately that I love you, shwo? Come visit more often.

      Oct 16, 2013 at 9:38 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   shwo! bang

      Oh, I visit. I just don’t comment unless I have something to say. ;-)

      Oct 16, 2013 at 9:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #16   kmd

    That rug really tied the room together, man.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 6:03 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

  • #17   Jennifer F

    I guess I have to be the one… The correct spelling is “mischief”, Howard. I before e, Howard.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 7:16 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   redheadwglasses

      I know it’s an unfair expectation, but I expect the Brits to have better spelling skills than we Americanz!

      Oct 16, 2013 at 7:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   AlyInSebby

      I Know! Right!?

      Oct 16, 2013 at 7:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   AlyInSebby

    aaahhhhnnnnnddd since no one else has stepped up yet…

    That cat was f-ing DELICIOUS!
    (pronounced DEE-Leee-Sheee-US!!)

    Oct 16, 2013 at 7:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #19   K.

    Best wishes!

    Oct 17, 2013 at 9:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #20   Quite Contrary

    The cat is also an accused goldfish murderer. This is serious stuff, people.

    Oct 17, 2013 at 3:20 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #21   Rumtopf

    I’d suggest one of those microchip reading cat flaps. A little bit expensive(though some are the cost of 2 rug cleanings! xD) but you solve the problem of unwanted furry visitors. Plus it’s always a good idea to have your pets chipped.

    Oct 17, 2013 at 6:02 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Jessi

      There are even ones which merely rely upon a magnet on your cats collar.

      Oct 18, 2013 at 4:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.2   gig bang

      The magnetic cat flaps seem like a good idea until you have to rescue your mother-in-laws elderly cat which has managed to stick itself to the neighbours gate. Again!

      Oct 18, 2013 at 4:33 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #21.3   Rumtopf

      Aww, kitty! D:
      Do those magnetic collars come with an easy-snap closure? I wouldn’t go with a buckle type collar for a cat, it’s too easy for them to get stuck on things or even in the actual collar(when they somehow manage to get a leg through it while they’re wearing it, freakin’ cats, man). But I like the collars with bells, to warn the local wildlife that a cat may be hunting them.

      Oct 21, 2013 at 1:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   Phoenix

    This reminds me, I need to talk to the neighbors in my building again about letting the stray cats inside “to get out of the rain.” Another one almost got inside my apt when I opened the door. My dwarf rabbit might survive, but my allergies would not. Ah, neighbors.

    Oct 18, 2013 at 7:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #23   warns

    I don’t get people who use cat/dog doors in the first place. Here, the rest of the world, my home is open to you all the time. Build a fence, or be around when your cat is outside, even when I used to give my rascally cat a little outdoor space, I was there, and aware of where he was cause I cared about him.

    Also it would’ve taken so much less time to go talk to your neighbor rather than writing this massive note in tiny handwriting. Could’ve saved himself the trouble by having a simple human conversation, not to mention found out his target didn’t own a cat.

    Oct 18, 2013 at 6:37 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   FeatherBlade

      Why have a cat flap? This is why:

      Every .Single. Time.

      Oct 21, 2013 at 11:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   Amy

      It might shock you to realise, but a lot of other countries don’t “get” being outside when your cat is- because cats spend most of their time outside. The idea of an “indoor cat” is an American concept, where I live (the UK, same as the man in the OP with the cat door) it’s considered cruel to keep your cat indoors for the majority of the day unless you live in a very big city with no green space, or the cat is very young or ill. Cats are not the same as dogs, which don’t have the same independent streak and need to explore. The few “house cats” I’ve seen have always been far happier when the owner is convinced to let them be an outdoor cat (or, y’know, just “cat”), or even run away as soon as a door opened.

      Oct 25, 2013 at 12:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.3   shepd

      Perhaps in the UK there aren’t as many diseases for cats to get. In Canada, outdoors cats live shorter lives and get sick much more often, sometimes in gruesome ways (My outdoors cat in the country managed to get botflies).

      Our current indoors cat is better off indoors. Every time it ends up outside it decides to eat tons of grass, then it comes inside and pukes all over, and then ends up in trouble. Even the vet has no idea why, just that the cat ain’t all that smart. LOL.

      Oct 25, 2013 at 4:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #23.4   Meh

      I live in Canada and have two outdoor/indoor cats and both are very happy. My older cat is 21 and has other ever been to the vet, outside of getting her shots, once for getting into a fight with what is believed to be a raccoon.

      Also, cats eat grass to bring up the fur and undigested gunk sitting in their stomach. All cats eat grass in order to vomit, as do dogs when they have an upset tummy.

      Oct 29, 2013 at 9:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #24   Minmom3

    Or, where I live in the U.S., there is both a speedy road just outside my front door, and wildlife who think cats are tasty… My cats will stay in and alive. I’ve had outdoor cats in the past, and they do not live as long, and they DID hunt, really well. Nowadays, I’d just as soon have my cats not contribute to song bird destruction. And somebody else will have to kill the gophers!

    Oct 28, 2013 at 11:50 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   buni

      The same conditions exist outside my home. The stray cat I have adopted had his taste of outdoor living and now chooses to be an indoor only cat. He has had several opportunities to escape as I was moving large items in and out of the house and did not take them. When he lays next to me on the couch at night, he drapes his foreleg over my thigh as if in a hug.

      Oct 30, 2013 at 2:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #25   Karen

    What anal writing they have!

    Nov 22, 2013 at 1:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

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