Another year without the Great Pumpkin

October 17th, 2013 · 44 comments

Well, it’s that time of year again…time for heartless hooligans to smash pumpkins (and with them, the hearts of small, gourd-loving children).

David in California spotted this sign next to a small field of corn and pumpkins located next to a popular public jogging trail.

Whoever stole the Big Pumpkin you broke a little boy's heart

related: It’s hard out there for a pumpkin.

FILED UNDER: California · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · Halloween · stealing · Won't somebody think of the children?

44 responses so far ↓

  • #1   H for Toy

    Can we skip the comma and apostrophe debate, and head straight to the whoever/whomever argument? I love that one.

    Oct 17, 2013 at 8:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Sherri

      I was going to go straight for the spelling, but we can do whoever/whomever first. That’s cool.

      Oct 17, 2013 at 8:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   cnoelk

    The word ‘whoever’ is accurate in this case. Simple rule of thumb: if you are talking about ‘him’ (or her), use whom; if you are talking about ‘he’ (or she), use who.

    The spelling and punctuation however … ugh.

    Oct 17, 2013 at 8:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Michael H

      Actually, since the author addresses the person as “You,” they should’ve either written it, “To whomever . . . you . . . ,” or left it as, “Whoever,” and removed the “you”.

      Oct 21, 2013 at 3:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   Kelly

    Litte? I assumed that was first on the agenda.

    Oct 17, 2013 at 9:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   dAN

    Surely Capitalisation Would be the first On the Agenda?

    One spelling mistake, one missing apostrophe, four inappropriate capitals. I hope this kid is not home-schooled.

    (p.s. Americans, please don’t criticise my Queen’s English ;-) )

    Oct 17, 2013 at 9:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   FeRD bang

      don’t You CrItIcIzE Our cAPITALISM, Limey!

      Oct 18, 2013 at 12:23 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   dAN

      Actually Australian, but close enough :)

      Oct 18, 2013 at 2:21 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Jeanette

    Cats should never go outside!

    Oct 17, 2013 at 9:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Chinchillazilla


      Oct 17, 2013 at 10:10 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Snicklefritz

      Because they obviously steal pumpkins and smash them in the streets, silly. It’s the cats I tells ya, not them nasty hooligans that roam the streets at night.

      BTW – Nice job with the non sequitur . And for bringing the bat shit crazy to the party.

      Oct 17, 2013 at 10:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   AlyInSebby

      Best laugh today Jeanette,
      Thank you…
      still laughing, reading again, laughing…

      Oct 17, 2013 at 10:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   The Elf

      Cats can go outside, but pumpkins need to stay indoors! Protect your pumpkin!

      Oct 18, 2013 at 7:06 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   Redheadwglasses


      For anyone who cares:

      Angela Nims

      In for minor heart surgery related to the lung cancer, is afternoon. Hoping to go home Monday.

      Thank fucking FSM for the internet and iPad.

      Oct 18, 2013 at 8:51 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.6   Lil'

      Thanks for the update, red. Best wishes for your surgery today. I pray it goes smoothly and your recovery is speedy. I’ll be following your progress on your page.

      Oct 18, 2013 at 11:03 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.7   The Elf

      Lung cancer? Remember, the solution is NOT to make meth.

      Oct 18, 2013 at 11:25 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.8   kermit

      +1 what Lil’ said, Red. Good luck and go kick some surgery ass. :)

      Oct 18, 2013 at 11:25 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.9   H for Toy

      Thanks for letting us know, Red. Praying for you especially today!

      Oct 18, 2013 at 11:53 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.10   wanda

      I don’t post often because I like to leave this sort of thing to the wittier professionals, but now I feel obligated! Take care, Red! I always look forward to your posts.

      Oct 18, 2013 at 12:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.11   wanda

      Now I feel as if someone stole my pumpkin :*(

      Oct 18, 2013 at 2:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.12   1deprogrammed1

      Red, like Arnold, you’ll be back. Unlike Arnold, you’ll be missed.

      Oct 18, 2013 at 7:46 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.13   shwo! bang

      Red, I’ll be waiting by the cat flap with a PBR tallboy.

      Oct 18, 2013 at 11:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.14   Redheadwglasses

      Ha shwo!

      Thanks everyone. Trying to use that site more so this and my online forums can stay focused on laughter and judging others.

      Oct 19, 2013 at 6:39 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.15   Kupo


      I’m just a lurker most of the time, but I’ve always found your posts witty. I was sorry to hear about your prognosis when you posted recently, but I wasn’t sure what to say.

      I want to tell that you can fight this. You are not a statistic; you are an individual. There is hope, and you should hold onto that. Surround yourself with the people who bring the most light into your life and screw the hospital staff if they get annoyed because you’re not supposed to show humor or good spirits in the oncology ward.

      Know that there are people who care about you even if we can’t come visit. Best of luck to you.

      Oct 20, 2013 at 9:07 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.16   katimomkat bang

      Everything Kupo said.

      Oct 20, 2013 at 11:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   Ermott

    If that little boy’s heart broke over a pumpkin, the little boy needs to buck up a little.

    Mom needs to buck up a lot, and buy the little squeaker a new pumpkin. It’s not as if they are made of gold.

    Oct 18, 2013 at 4:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Rory

      I’m assuming they grew their own pumpkins since they’re in a field of them. And it’s a pretty logical thing for a kid to be sad about; you help Mommy grow the pumpkins and you’re so excited about seeing how big the big one will get only for some douche to steal it.

      Oct 18, 2013 at 5:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Jami

      What Rory said. It’s more than just a pumpkin. It’s all the hard work – the weeding, the watering, etc – that went into it. Imagine you were building your dream car and before you can drive it, someone stole it and threw it off a bridge. It’s not unlike that for that little boy and that pumpkin.

      Oct 19, 2013 at 9:05 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   Belaani

      I protect my pumpkins with an electric fence. Hooked up to the house current.

      Oct 20, 2013 at 8:17 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   rushgirl2112

      Well, based on how much big pumpkins cost around here (and I mean locally grown, too), they might as well be made out of gold.

      Seriously, just a few days ago I watched someone fork over $25 for one. Fairly large, but not huge by any means. Some people might be able to afford that, but I certainly couldn’t.

      And that’s setting aside the fact that any young child would definitely be crushed by spending that much time growing a pumpkin – or even just watching it grow – only to have it stolen.

      Oct 22, 2013 at 1:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   Tard

    My dad brought the pumpkins inside every night and put them back out every morning for the week before Halloween.

    Now I do.


    Oct 18, 2013 at 9:30 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Redheadwglasses

    When I had roommates last, they carved pumpkins an d put them out on our front porch. FOR FIVE MONTHS. I eventually had to scoop up the moldy mess with a shovel.

    Oct 20, 2013 at 11:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Tard

      I’ve still got a stain on my cement porch from a 2006 pumpkin that sat until it was rained away months later. Learned my lesson!

      Oct 20, 2013 at 11:48 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Jami

      Red, go to YouTube, look up “squirrel drunk on pumpkin” – that’ll be why they left it there so long, I’m sure.

      Oct 20, 2013 at 5:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   Lil'

      Jami, I just wanted to tell you I spent a good half hour watching drunk squirrels on youtube last night, which might explain why I overslept this morning. Thanks for the laugh.

      Oct 21, 2013 at 1:10 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   Raichu

      Just wanted to second (third?) the drunk pumpkin video. One of my first favorites on YT.

      Lil…there are more drunk squirrels? 0.0 /sneaks back over to YT

      Oct 21, 2013 at 1:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Paula K

    Red, hope everything turns out okay.

    And yeah, learned my lesson ages ago-if you want your pumpkin whole, keep it inside & light it with a battery powered candle OR glow sticks.

    Oct 21, 2013 at 12:35 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   The Elf

      OR the captured souls of pumpkin smashers, be-spelled to light jack-o-lanterns eternally. It’s safe and I like the way they flicker in despair.

      What, just me?

      Oct 21, 2013 at 1:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   Lisa S.

    It can be hard as hell to grow a decent pumpkin. I’d be crazy angry if someone stole the fruits of my labor.

    Oct 21, 2013 at 4:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   hello there

    Probably not the same pumpkin and boy…or is it?

    Oct 21, 2013 at 10:02 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   Jaime X. Boyd

    “Won’t somebody think of the children?” is the familiar refrain of the Simpson’s Helen Lovejoy, the prudish reverend’s wife who hides her bigotry behind the veneer of traditional family values. As a feminist activist with the National Organization for Women (NOW) and mother of two small kids, I “think of the children” often, but not always in the way Helen suggests–in fact, I’m the mom who’s arranging for all fifth-graders at my son’s middle school to watch the film “Bullied, ” from Teaching Tolerance. When social arguments are made in the name of protecting children, I’m skeptical, to say the least.

    Oct 22, 2013 at 1:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #15   Rebecca

    I remember that happening to me one Halloween — I had painted small pumpkins (because I was 9 or 10) and put them out on the porch along side the fully carved pumpkins. The next morning when I came out to catch the bus, I noticed they were gone — I saw them in the street ,destroyed. Probably the older boys who’s bus came earlier than our own.
    I TRULY WAS heartbroken, and as I think about it, I actually still get a little teary-eyed. And I’m 33.

    Jan 13, 2014 at 1:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up