I EARNED THIS.

November 4th, 2013 · 75 comments

Explains David in California: “Because of an ant problem, Julia can’t keep her candy in her room.” Thus…

If anyone eats my candy I will kill them. Seriously, stop. I didn't get very much candy and I had a terrible Halloween filled with sickness. Eat your own candy. I earned this. FIND YOUR HUMANITY.

related: There’s stealing candy from children, and then there’s…this.

FILED UNDER: candy · Halloween · most popular notes of 2013


75 responses so far ↓

  • #1   meg

    You couldn’t keep it in a ziplock bag or tupperware?

    Nov 4, 2013 at 6:41 pm   rating: 62  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   JK

      At least tell them you licked every single piece and that, in the event they do steal your candy, illness and doom will befall them King Tut’s Tomb style.

      Or go the tupperware route.

      Nov 4, 2013 at 6:53 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Belaani

      Seriously. You could bury someone in tupperware and it would last better that egyptian sarcophagi… you’re just daring someone to eat your candy. It’s going to be gone by morning. I’m having some myself right now!

      Nov 5, 2013 at 7:04 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   The Elf

      Oh, Meg. Why use logic and reason when you can just be passive-aggressive (and then aggrieved when somebody inevitably fails). I think some people just enjoy making trouble for themselves.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 8:01 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Cat

    Isn’t keeping ants out of your candy what ziplock bags and tupperware were invented for?

    Nov 4, 2013 at 6:41 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Madrias

    I’d go the Mad Scientist route of hanging the candy from string and chip-clips from the ceiling so the ants can’t get to it.

    Nov 4, 2013 at 6:44 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   meg

      That’s a much cooler idea!

      Nov 4, 2013 at 6:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   kermit

      It is, except for the part where you find out that ants can climb.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 5:03 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   The Elf

      The ants go climbing one by one, hurrah, hurrah….

      Nov 5, 2013 at 8:03 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Poltergeist

      The ants will just grow wings to get to the candy. Don’t you know how evolution works!?

      Nov 5, 2013 at 10:31 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   kermit

      Poltergeist

      Flying ants are very much real. Check yer wikipedia. Entry is /Nuptial_flight#Flying_ant_day

      Nov 5, 2013 at 12:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   FeatherBlade

      Yeah, but Kermit, aren’t they a little too…busy?… to bother with candy then?

      Nov 5, 2013 at 1:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   kermit

      I dunno, maybe the like candy after ant sex instead of cigarettes, since they have no opposable thumbs or miniature lighters and all…

      Nov 5, 2013 at 1:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.8   Poltergeist

      Those are sex wings kermit. I’m talking about candy wings.

      I imagine the cute little ants staring up at the dangling candy with a disappointed look that quickly turns to anger. Then they make the “holding my breath till I get my way/squeezing out a big dump” face, and out pop their wings.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 5:48 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.9   kermit

      I can’t decide if one or both of us have thought too little or too much about the logistics of this.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 11:11 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   FooManGung

    Her grammar and handwriting seem to indicate that perhaps she’s past the age where she should be concerned with trick or treating?

    Nov 4, 2013 at 6:48 pm   rating: 49  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Poltergeist

      I hate to be a party pooper, but I’m inclined to agree. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with dressing up and indulging in shitloads of your own candy on Halloween, but actually going out trick-or-treating should be left to the kiddies.

      Half the fun of trick-or-treating is reserved for the people who enjoy giving out the candy, but having a 25 year old slutty cat come to your door asking for a KitKat just isn’t cute anymore.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 10:51 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Poltergeist

      Unless, of course, you happen to be a 25 year old sex-starved tomcat.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 10:58 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   The Elf

      I’d take a 25 year old slutty cat over a 10 year old who didn’t bother with a costume.

      Back when I lived somewhere that got a lot of trick-or-treaters, I’d slide a Reese’s to the parents too.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 11:48 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   H for Toy

      A friend told me that a few of the houses in town would give out Jell-O shots to the parents years ago. I didn’t find any this year.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 12:51 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Tom

      I didn’t see anything in the note referencing trick or treating. Where did you make that assumption?

      Because I am an adult I have the luxury of being able to buy candy anytime I want. So I buy a bag of mix candy at half price the day after Halloween. There’s nothing saying she didn’t do that herself. “I didn’t get very much candy” =/= “I trick or treated to get this candy” and mentioning that she was sick on Halloween doesn’t mean she obtained her candy on Halloween. If I get sick on Thanksgiving I may very well buy myself a pumpkin pie two days later to make up for missing it!

      Nov 5, 2013 at 2:07 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   The Elf

      Well…. “earn” would imply she did *something* for it other than a job. Trick or treat? Turned tricks? Bought herself a treat after a particularly horrible task?

      Nov 5, 2013 at 2:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   uncreative

      Her grammar and penmanship indicates she is probably at least nine years old. If you think ten or eleven is too old to go trick-or-treating, then I think you’re really harsh on kids. It’s very difficult to tell age just from basic writing ability.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 3:49 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.8   Raichu

      There are tons of ways adults can get candy on Halloween. They can get the pieces their kids didn’t want, or eat the leftovers from their bowl at home once all the other kids are done for the night, or you know they could just go buy some…

      Nov 6, 2013 at 2:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.9   Tom

      What, Elf, you’ve never convinced yourself that you earned something just for existing?

      Because I’m so awesome, I totally earned the right to buy my bag of 100 fun sized chocolates for myself. And nobody can tell me otherwise!

      Nov 7, 2013 at 7:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   C

    Hide your candy from others, you damn drama queen.

    Nov 4, 2013 at 6:49 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   cornflakegirl

    God knows what poor Julia had to do for that candy or why she doesn’t clean her room.

    Nov 4, 2013 at 6:50 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   JoDa

      I don’t know what she had to do for that candy, but I do know that ants don’t give a shit whether you clean or not. I once walked into my apartment (years ago, thankfully I don’t live there anymore) to find a MF’n army of ants marching into my kitchen window, despite my kitchen being scrubbed spit-shine clean with nary a crumb anywhere. Seriously, I’m the type of person who thinks the bleach smell burning the hairs out of your nose means your house is only *sort of* clean, and those fuckers still decided to make my house a home. (of course they had another thing coming when I suppressed my gag reflex, marched to the store, and killed them all with bug spray (yes, I cleaned the kitchen, like, 10 more times after that before using it again), and sprayed the whole outside of the wall and surrounding ground with enough “12-month acting” spray to kill a dozen zombies)

      Nov 4, 2013 at 10:29 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   TKD

      JoDa,
      You work too hard. I would have just made a note for the ants, telling them “if you Keep com …ing inTo my kitchEn… Then the TerRoristS win!!!!!”

      Printed in Comic Sans, of course. Yeah, that would work.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 6:23 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   JT

      JoDa, you should have left them a note :)

      Nov 5, 2013 at 12:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   diogenes bang

    “I will kill you…find your humanity.” And yes, you worked hard to “earn” that candy you know, asking for it and all.

    Nov 4, 2013 at 7:04 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Wilma Jo

    Why don’t you lock your candy up like everyone else? At my old job we had to lock our candy up, there was a girl that would come around and rob everyone’s candy jar. Then she had the nerve to get mad when we all locked them up! People are amazing. And when I say amazing, I mean CRAZY.

    Nov 4, 2013 at 7:49 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Wench

    OK, since no-one else has said it so far….

    That Halloween candy was fucking delicious :-)

    Also, since I would also become homicidal if anyone ate my chocolate, team notewriter.

    Nov 4, 2013 at 8:28 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Tard

    Don’t tell them you licked it, but post the pictures of you licking it after they take it.

    If that doesn’t work, send them a picture of THEIR toothbrush sticking out of your ass. Works every time.

    Nov 4, 2013 at 9:16 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   21skulls

    I can’t help but wonder what the note is written on. Class notes? Legal document? Another angry note?

    Nov 4, 2013 at 9:53 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Sir Puke

    Team notewriter, unless you are Julias parent.

    Nov 4, 2013 at 10:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Dana

    Is that a headband with pearl cat ears on it? WANT!

    Nov 4, 2013 at 10:27 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Yerushalmi

    Julia is apparently a fan of Tangled.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 1:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   cardykid

    Julia is being a totally selfish knob.
    I hope she gets extra fat and has to spend a fortune on dental care.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 6:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Raichu

      She’s tactless and a bit dumb if it didn’t occur to her to just put it in a bag/container and tuck it out of the way, but how the hell is she selfish for wanting to eat her *own* Halloween candy?

      Nov 5, 2013 at 7:37 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   The Elf

      Because Cardykid wants that Snickers, damn it!

      Nov 5, 2013 at 10:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Karen

    Well I would have got the 50% off chocolate candies on sale after the holiday and put a ton of candy for her since she was sick that day and felt she missed out on some of the fun. Where is everyone’s humanity. Charity begins at home. Or work or where ever you are. I know she was having a pity party, hissy fit and all, but sometimes being kind will turn things around.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 7:43 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Tesselara

    Well, she’s got to be at least 20. Going trick-or-treating while ignoring the rampant scorn and ridicule IS hard work.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 7:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Roxy Random

    Seconding (or thirding, or fourthing, or whatevering) a Tupperware container, with her name on it. But now I want to hear about what she was doing that made her so sick on Halloween. Candy corn shots?

    Nov 5, 2013 at 7:55 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   The Elf

      Candy corn? (Seriously, that shit is nasty.)

      Nov 5, 2013 at 8:10 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   L

      I had a Halloween… 2010 Halloween. I woke up on October 30th with a raging fever so bad I’ve never been able to watch Monster House again because I’m like 75% sure I hallucinated parts of it, a headache that felt like I was being hit in the head with hammer every time I moved, and when I started crying at one point, I ended up puking in my hair.

      I was past the age of trick-or-treating (17) but it’s still my favourite holiday and I BARELY managed to drag my sad butt out of bed to hand out candy the next day. And I brought my comforter with me to the living room because yeah. Horrible, horrible sickness.

      Nov 6, 2013 at 2:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   My name is Princess!

    Soooo. Should we tell her about the candy sale at CVS? No?

    Nov 5, 2013 at 7:55 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Poltergeist

      Well, candy does tend to taste better when you’ve begged for it.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 10:39 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   shwo! bang

    “Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants.”

    Nov 5, 2013 at 8:05 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   The Elf

    Here’s my assumption on the backstory. Julie’s room is filthy, and she was known for keeping food randomly around which attracted ants. (JoDa is correct that cleanliness won’t stop the ants, but food laying about issues an invitation). It was a point of contention among the roommates. (I’m assuming roommates not parent/child situation). Finally, it came to a head. With much gnashing of teeth, Julie agreed to keep all food out of her room. (I picture a foot stomp and a “FINE!!!! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!”) Since that time she has be pointedly not keeping food in her room, making effort to make sure her food takes up a lot of public space to make everyone else’s lives harder. It culminated in this PAN.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 8:09 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   kermit

      The only thing that’s missing in that story is how the ants came to stage a mutiny/war against her in her room.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 10:21 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   The Elf

      Ever play SimAnt?

      Nov 5, 2013 at 2:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   kermit

      Nope. My video game playing dorkery stopped at DOS games (Sokoban and the like).

      Nov 5, 2013 at 8:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   The Elf

      Well, if you’ve played SimAnt, then you’d know that taking over the bedroom is just one aspect of conquering the entire yard in an epic war against the evil red ants and the humans.

      Nov 6, 2013 at 6:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   TKD

      Elf, no need to assume it is a roommate situation. My Little Angel was banned from keeping food in her room. Ants were a concern, but general teenager sloth was the biggest factor. Since then there have been several tantrums initiated by “her” goodies disappearing. But then who can blame a parent who succumbs to the temptation of a Snickers bar sitting on the counter. It’s so delicious.

      I hope she writes a note during one of her tantrums!

      Nov 6, 2013 at 9:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.6   kermit

      Blame it on the squirrels, TKD.

      I used to live near an apartment complex that had a large tree. There was a squirrel who regularly climbed up the tree and entered people’s apartments through the balcony or open windows and stole stuff (usually rags/dish cloths or whatever was on the other side of the windowsill) for its nest. I always wondered if the people went nuts wondering who broke into their apartment just to steal their dish cloths.

      Nov 6, 2013 at 10:30 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.7   Raichu

      When I was a teen I kept all kinds of candy in my room. I sometimes hid it in various drawers to surprise myself later, but at some point I just started keeping most of it in a big shoebox in my closet. I never saw an ant go after it.

      Then some mice invaded, chewed through the shoebox, and ruined all of it. :’(

      Nov 6, 2013 at 2:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.8   The Elf

      Tonight I will raise a glass in memory of your mouse-eaten candy. RIP butterfinger fun size.

      Nov 6, 2013 at 3:04 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.9   TKD

      LOL, an apartment raiding squirrel. That is funny.

      Wait, I wonder if that is why my good wool socks keep disappearing? I am now picturing the large oak tree in my backyard stuffed full of mismatched SmartWool socks. That is one damned warm (and expensive) nest!

      Nov 7, 2013 at 6:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.10   buni

      A few years ago, my office had a mouse problem. Everyone had candy in/on their desks. I discovered mice do not like dark chocolate. All of my candy was sampled but not eaten. Any milk chocolate or peanut-containing candy was consumed completely. We moved a cabinet and found a pile of wrappers underneath it.
      After that, I invested in a metal box to keep my candy in.

      Nov 7, 2013 at 11:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Les

    Perhaps the landlord should be called re: the ant problem? That’s not something you should just ‘live with’…

    Nov 5, 2013 at 8:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   VM

    I would find my humanity, but unfortunately it’s hidden inside the Snickers bar.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 8:28 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   The Elf

      Extremely nutty? Yes, that sums up humanity.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 9:29 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Snicklefritz

    This note sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I mean seriously – You don’t mess with a bitch’s candy stash……… ever.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 9:59 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   shwo! bang

    Leave Julia’s candy alone. Her use of the word “dang” means she’s probably in her 80′s and doesn’t have many candy-eating years left.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 10:23 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   The Elf

      Aren’t you confusing “dang” with “dagnabbit”?

      Nov 5, 2013 at 10:51 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   shwo! bang

      No, if it were “dagnabbit,” then Julia would be Walter Brennan. That doesn’t make sense at all.

      Maybe you’re thinking of “rackin’ frackin’”?

      Wait, that’s Yosemite Sam. In which case you should REALLY leave her candy alone, lessen you want her to emphasize the point with these here pistols.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 1:19 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Eileen

    I have to say she has really great handwriting for someone young enough to be trick-or-treating. I used to teach middle school so I can say that definitely looks like high school or older handwriting.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 12:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   uncreative

      On average, sure, but it’s highly variable individually. My sister had beautiful penmanship even in Elementary School. Whereas I have penmanship that looks like a second grader’s despite being well past having graduated from college (in all fairness, dysgraphia runs in my family, although my sister didn’t get it). I wouldn’t assume much about the age from just the penmanship.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 3:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Lil'

    This ant note inspired me to tell you all a trick I learned for keeping ants off the picnic table…put each leg of the table in a tray of water. The ants will drown before they reach the table leg to climb up. I know this won’t help solve dear Julia’s problem, but if I’ve saved one picnic from ruin, this tip was worth typing.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 3:58 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Ajax

      Unless those sitting at the table hold their feet up or put them in a tray of water as well, this trick does not keep ants off the table. Even then, a tray of water doesn’t actually discourage all ants. Fire ants will gather themselves into a buoyant ant-raft, sail across the water to the table leg and crawl on up to the food, painfully biting the hands of anyone who tries to brush them away.

      http://www.npr.org/blogs/pictureshow/2011/04/27/135716373/water-cant-put-out-a-fire-ant-raft

      Nov 5, 2013 at 4:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Madrias

      I used to do similar, but I put a few drops of dish soap in the water to reduce the surface tension after finding out that some of the ants around here could swim or float well enough to get to the legs of the table.

      Nov 7, 2013 at 12:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   warns

    Has julie ever heard of tupperware, plastic wrap, aluminum foil, etc?

    Also the last I heard, ants couldn’t unwrap candy, but they are clever little guys, so i wouldn’t be surprised.

    Nov 6, 2013 at 2:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   juniper

    I probably shouldn’t sympathize with Julia, but so help me, I do. After watching my 13 year old have to run down her father (who recently had a heart attack and is supposed to be on a special diet), tackle him, and pry her Halloween candy out of his curled up fingers. That he had stolen out of her room.

    Nov 7, 2013 at 1:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Paula K

    Because of incredibly shitty weather this year, instead of the HUNDREDS of kiddies we usually got-we had SEVEN come to the door. One’s mom was with her. I beckoned mom up to the door & stuffed the pockets in her hoodie full of stuff. I was waiting for the older kids to show up. Honest. A few years ago, I made them dance for candy. This year I was going to insist the sing a few lines of Wrecking Ball. I was even going to record it. My hopes were dashed to the ground. Oh well. Maybe next year.

    Nov 7, 2013 at 2:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     

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