La petite mort du poulet

November 5th, 2013 · 50 comments

Melissa in Ontario received this note — attached to a raw chicken breast and wrapped in plastic wrap — pushed through her mail slot several years ago. To this day, she says, “I’ve never been able to figure out what I did that was so horrible/distracting that it ruined the best orgasm of someone’s life and also what raw chicken has to do with it.”

Thanks for ruining the best orgasm of my life!

related: Down and dirty down under

FILED UNDER: Ontario · sex sex sex · thanks (but not really) · WTF?


50 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Mary

    You know what you did.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 9:22 pm   rating: 58  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   teresasbell

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      Dec 5, 2013 at 7:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   JD

    Maybe you closed your blinds while someone was choking his chicken?

    Nov 5, 2013 at 9:25 pm   rating: 80  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Wench

      Thanks JD, now I have an image in my head of some poor innocent chook being strangled to death as part of some bizarre sex game.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 9:35 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Amy In Toronto

      Wench, ever seen Pink Flamingos by John Waters? There’s a graphic scene in there involving a poor chicken who didn’t deserve what s/he got. Aww, le pauvre poulet…

      Nov 7, 2013 at 2:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Dan

    If the orgasm was ruined, could it have been the best?

    Nov 5, 2013 at 9:26 pm   rating: 61  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   K

      If it was still the best after having been ruined, I feel kind of sorry for the type of orgasms she (?)’s been having.

      Nov 5, 2013 at 9:36 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Sarah

      Exactly. The best and ruined don’t belong in the same sentence. Also, sex research tells us that once an orgasm starts, there’s no stopping (or ruining) it.

      Nov 12, 2013 at 9:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Luna

    So, I think this would be the single best prank to pull on someone, EVER. Make them wonder for years wtf it’s about. Just randomly pick a neighbour and do this. LOL!

    Nov 5, 2013 at 10:12 pm   rating: 93  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Mar

    This package would haunt me FOREVER.

    Nov 5, 2013 at 10:26 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Farmboy

      That’s what she said.

      Nov 6, 2013 at 10:19 am   rating: 41  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   pube

      Very original.

      Nov 6, 2013 at 5:31 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   dom

    How did they know it was going to be the best orgasm of their life?

    Nov 6, 2013 at 2:33 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Bones

      Because it was ruined, and it’s easier to be angry when you make things up to improve your case.

      Dec 18, 2013 at 8:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Poltergeist

    Maybe the note isn’t sarcastic. Maybe this person took a vow of celibacy and was about to give in to temptation when you unintentionally did something to kill the mood, like blasting “I Wanna Sex You Up” or farting really loud with the bathroom window open. They then bestowed upon you a raw chicken breast as thanks for preventing their deflowering.

    Nov 6, 2013 at 5:28 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Snowflame

    Am I the only one who wonders if this note is actually aimed at the chicken breast? I think the chicken breast is the one who ruined the orgasm – possibly by being found unexpectedly on the orgasm-offerer’s person – and the letterbox was simply a way of disposing of it.

    Nov 6, 2013 at 5:47 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   The Elf

    Is this person confusing cold chicken with cold fish?

    Nov 6, 2013 at 6:47 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   MysteryGuest

    I don’t know about choking the chicken, but I nearly choked to death from laughter reading this—the title killed me.

    Nov 6, 2013 at 8:48 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   H for Toy

    I’ve seen some strange notes in my years here at PAN, but this has to be the weirdest thing that’s ever been posted. WTF Hall of Fame right there.

    Nov 6, 2013 at 9:49 am   rating: 57  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   The Elf

      Absolutely. The chicken takes an already strange note and elevates it to the level of batshit insane.

      Nov 6, 2013 at 10:47 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   TKD

      I’m not sure there is a name for what comes after batshit insane, or even how to define it. But like art or pornography, I’ll know it when I see it. Now I’ve seen it.

      Nov 7, 2013 at 6:27 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Tesselara

      The level above batshit insane is bat-fucking insane.

      Nov 7, 2013 at 7:44 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   H for Toy

      I’m not even sure that does it, Tess. We might have to dip into one of those portmanteau German words that mean “so bat-shit insane, it can’t even be described.”

      Nov 7, 2013 at 11:56 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   Tesselara

      Batshadenfreude?

      Nov 7, 2013 at 1:59 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Kwyjor

    There are some Secrets Man Was Not Meant To Know.

    Nov 6, 2013 at 9:53 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   The Elf

      Nor woman.

      Nov 6, 2013 at 7:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   shwo! bang

    It’s clearly a suicide note from the chicken.

    Nov 6, 2013 at 9:55 am   rating: 53  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   AP

    I suspect the person was hoping the chicken would rot and make the recipient’s home reek of rotting meat as punishment.

    They just didn’t plan on the person cleaning it up before it started to stink.

    Nov 6, 2013 at 11:38 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Tard

      First thing I thought of as well, but I’d still check the chicken for pecker tracks.

      Nov 6, 2013 at 12:45 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   The Elf

      I wouldn’t want to get that close. Some things are best left undiscovered.

      Nov 6, 2013 at 3:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Ruth Leach

    I would say that some poor unsuspecting person discovered, right at the point of orgasm, that the breast they were squeezing was ACTUALLY a chicken fillet – failing that – that they had eaten chicken cooked by the girl they later doing, and got struck by severe food poisoning, causing them to shite themself right at that perfect moment.

    Nov 6, 2013 at 1:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   FeRD bang

    Sophomore year of college, about halfway through the first semester, I scored a transfer into a more-desirable dorm room, when a fail-out’s departure resulted in his spot coming available.

    When I’d moved my things into the room and began “unpacking” on my side, I discovered that the previous occupant had left behind — beyond the general uncleanliness and disorder associated with a not-entirely-voluntary departure — one item. Sitting in the back corner of one of the dresser drawers, I found a raw steak, just lying there in all of its room-temperature, beginning-to-smell splendor. If I’d taken even a few hours longer to notice, it would’ve been significantly nastier.

    I had always assumed that this was just a pointless, misguided parting act of belligerence on his part. His way of “fucking with” the school one final time, in his mind — even though it would really only be hurting me, not them. (Hey, the very fact that he was leaving established that we weren’t exactly dealing with the sharpest tool in the shed.)

    Like I said, that’s what I’d always assumed. But now, thanks to this post, for the rest of my life I’ll be haunted by the question: What else might he have been saying, by leaving that dresser steak???

    Dang you, P-AN. Dang you straight to heck.

    Nov 6, 2013 at 3:40 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   AuntyBron

      *GASP* FeRD! Such language!

      Nov 6, 2013 at 5:03 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Yawning God

      He had a ‘beef’ with the college, perhaps?

      Nov 6, 2013 at 5:33 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   JK

      It might’ve been in an effort to ‘steak’ his claim to the room.

      Nov 11, 2013 at 7:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   sunshynegrll

    What? No ‘beating your meat’ jokes yet?

    Nov 6, 2013 at 5:26 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Dourn

    Am I the only one who sees a link between this and the joke about “which came first, the chicken or the egg?”???

    I *almost* feel like this is some form of elaborate joke tied up in the whole egg/chicken thing…

    Nov 6, 2013 at 6:44 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   TKD

      AHA!!!!!!!

      Finally, an answer to the age old question. Obviously the egg came first, thus ruining the best orgasm of the chicken’s life, leading to the chicken’s eventual suicide by mailslot. We should erect a statue to the chicken for taking the time to leave a suicide note to clear up this conundrum.

      Nov 7, 2013 at 6:39 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   AuntyBron

      No, no, no – the chicken came first. The arrival of the egg put an end to the chicken’s strange sex games.

      Nov 8, 2013 at 4:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Lil'

    I think flowers would have been more appropriate…also a roasted chicken dinner, soft music and low lighting. I mean, if she ruined the best orgasm of your life, at least give her an opportunity to make it up to you.

    Nov 7, 2013 at 8:24 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Tesselara

      This.

      Nov 7, 2013 at 1:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Gen

    It’s obvious. Melissa simply has blotted the incident from her memory. Some guy took her out on a date — dinner, back to her place. They’re making out pretty heavily and next thing you know they’re really going at it. He’s super turned on by her. Then — just when he’s ready to orgasm, she rolls away and runs to the toilet, barfing, explaining later that the chicken she ate for dinner must have been bad. Poor guy never recovered; eventually took a vow of celibacy and joined a religious retreat in California.

    Nov 7, 2013 at 1:15 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   FeRD bang

      The Order of Pullus* Interruptus, no doubt.

      [*] — (“Pullum” is latin for chicken; this wasn’t an attempt at a yankin’ joke. So, if that’s what you were thinking, now aren’t you ashamed of yourself?)

      Nov 7, 2013 at 2:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Zhopka

    Where? Where does everyone see the “M” that turns that one word into “orgasm”? I’ve done ten doubletakes (is that even possible?) and all I saw is “orgas”. So I googled it.

    Urban Dictionary tells me that ORGAS means “a sensational feeling, like an orgasm, but with no relation to sex” (example given: “oh my god that cheesecake was so good it made me orgas”). This opens up a whole new host of possibilities… maybe.

    Nov 8, 2013 at 9:35 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Pixy

    Am I the only one who thinks this is intentionally random? Someone playing MadLibs or something came up with this idea and did it to a random neighbor just to give them a story to tell.

    Which, actually, is pretty awesome. I’d be pumped if I received this letter. Unless I didn’t see it for a few days. Then I’d be less excited…

    Nov 8, 2013 at 11:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Dandelion

    Okay. I have a weird idea about this one. My first thought with meat shoved through a mail slot is that it was intended for a dog.

    If the submitter was dogless – perhaps one of their neighbours had a noisy dog that went off one night, and disturbed the notewriter. The notewriter in return poisoned some meat and shoved it through the wrong house’s mail slot.

    Notewriter is still batshit crazy, but there might be a reason that makes some sense. Now, the note itself attached to the meat….uh… I don’t know. Catharsis in writing it? Thinks the dog can read? It’s for just in case it’s found by the owner instead?

    Nov 9, 2013 at 8:08 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Jami

    I’m going to pretend that it actually says “organism” as in that was once the breast of note writer’s pet chicken. How they loved that chicken, their darling poultry organism. It was the best organism of their entire life. And one day Melissa was walking by and gave that chicken some candy corn. Soon that chicken became an addict. She would do anything for that sweet, sweet candy corn. Including pecking and scratching Note Writer. So finally, one day NW was forced to pull an “Old Yeller” on his pet chicken. Thereby the best organism of his life was ruined.

    All because Melissa the local Candy Corn Dealer.

    Nov 10, 2013 at 5:23 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Andrea

    Are we sure it was the letter-writer’s orgasm? Maybe it was the chicken’s, and it was ruined when Frank Purdue showed up with his hatchet. This was note that the chicken left just before the ax fell.

    Nov 11, 2013 at 3:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   alyssa

    maybe they meant to say organism

    Nov 11, 2013 at 7:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Nick

    Guys, I’m sorry to say it, as this is absolutely hysterical, but I think it says “Thanks For ruining the best orgasm not my life”.

    Nov 25, 2013 at 1:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up