Things that go bump in the night

November 17th, 2013 · 52 comments

Today on Passive-Aggressive Poetry Corner: A note our submitter from Maryland found slid under the door of her top-floor apartment.

Roses are red Violets are blue You're real loud Here's a list of things you do:  1. you stomp real loud like a hefalump 2. you move your furniture like you're an interior designer 3. there is a weird noise that happens in your common area 4. the steps you take sound like forced stomps 5. the loud noises happen at all hours We understand that you don't have to listen to people above you but please realize there are people underneath you

related: Ever wonder what it would be like sharing an office with William Carlos Williams?

FILED UNDER: Maryland · neighbors · noise · pure poetry

52 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Jdaniel

    What do you expect from a hefalump? Maybe you would be comfortable living somewhere else.


    Nov 17, 2013 at 9:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   AuntyBron

      Started out well, but then stopped rhyming. Thumbs down.

      Nov 20, 2013 at 10:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   teresasbell

      what Debbie explained I am shocked that a mom can get paid $9355 in 4 weeks on the internet. go right here……..

      Dec 5, 2013 at 7:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   Chelle

    I only make stomping noises when the woozles come over.

    Nov 17, 2013 at 9:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   54

      no way! it’s gotta be the jagulars. they’re such good droppers. except for the noisy landing bit.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 9:50 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   wright1

      Chelle, you just won the Internets for the afternoon. Use them wisely.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 1:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   lbug

    I’ve got a case of the confoozles.

    Nov 17, 2013 at 9:40 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Tard

      Nuke the site from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 12:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   lbug

    Sounds like she would be a better nbr if she wasn’t in and out and all about

    Nov 17, 2013 at 9:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Jami

    Oh bother.

    Nov 17, 2013 at 9:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   Raichu

    I kind of want to say Team Note-Writer just because they used the word “hefalump”

    Nov 17, 2013 at 9:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   Jen

    it’s spelled heffalump.

    Nov 17, 2013 at 10:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   JK

    Reminds of another poem I read once:

    Roses are red,
    That much is true,
    Violets are purple,
    Not f***ing blue.

    Nov 17, 2013 at 11:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   theo

      Clue’s in the name really

      Nov 18, 2013 at 6:32 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Raichu

      I would like to nominate whoever wrote that poem for a Nobel literature prize.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 5:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   Jami

      Roses are red,
      yellow, pink, and white too.
      Violets are violet,
      they are not blue.
      And by the way the answer your seeking is 42.

      Nov 19, 2013 at 2:27 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   Jami

      ARG! YOU’RE! Damn it. And wouldn’t you know it, every time I try to edit the browser freezes. GRR!

      Nov 19, 2013 at 2:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.5   TKD

      Too bad, Jami, editor freeze or not, you have been moved onto the “people who do not know your from you’re” list. I hope that you don’t also make the “There, their, they’re” list as well. The shaming that would ensue would be wicked. :-(

      Nov 20, 2013 at 8:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.6   Jami

      *hangs head in shame*

      Normally I don’t make that mistake. I’m a rotten speller, I admit. But I know the difference between you’re and your, there, their, and they’re, than and then. Though I ALWAYS get confused on whom and who.

      Nov 20, 2013 at 9:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.7   The Elf

      Their, their. (pats shoulder)

      Nov 20, 2013 at 10:12 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Sir Puke

    Now where will her Clogging team hold practice?

    Nov 18, 2013 at 12:58 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   theo

    1) you stomp
    2) you stomp
    3) did I mention you stomp?

    Nov 18, 2013 at 4:46 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   H for Toy

    Notes wouldn’t be needed if everyone would just follow my simple game plan. When your neighbor comes down to borrow a hammer, invite him in, and lead him to the dining room, which is directly below his living room. In short order, his son will come stomping through upstairs and rattle your ceiling fan. Your neighbor will exclaim, “Oh my GOD! Is that us?!” And henceforth they will start to tiptoe, or slide their feet across the floor, or levitate, because you will barely hear them again. Foolproof, provided your neighbor doesn’t have a hammer, but does have an 8 year old son.

    Nov 18, 2013 at 6:27 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Madrias

      Only works if your neighbors are of the kind who understand that they’re not the center of the universe. Get landed with neighbors like the ones I’ve dealt with a lot, you’re better off putting your efforts toward covering their car in a half inch of ice, rather than trying to deal with them, because asking them politely to tone down the noise gets an “okay.” and the noise doubles.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 1:02 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   H for Toy

      It’s true Mad. We’ve been fortunate in the Upstairs Neighbor Lottery. I’ve only once had to go upstairs and ask them to stop, I believe it was wrestling, because the ceiling fan literally looked like it might fall down, but otherwise, their footsteps don’t actually bother us. They only walk around until 9:30/10, and never over bedrooms, so we figure it’s a part of sharing spaces, and don’t complain. I’m sure we’ve made noise they could hear. I really only brought him into the dining room so he could chat with my husband while I got the hammer. It just worked in our favor that he realized they were louder than they had thought. Plus, not everyone has considerate neighbors and a qualifying hammer to child ratio.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 1:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   Beth

    Some people just have very heavy feet. Before my husband and I had enough money saved to buy our house, we rented a trailer with my brother-in-law. It was a double wide and our rooms were on complete opposite sides of the trailer. My brother-in-law was forever waking me up in the middle of the night whenever he got up to use the bathroom because the way he walked would reverberate all over the damn trailer. He could be outside and you could STILL hear how heavy he walked, especially if he was walking on tarmac.

    Nov 18, 2013 at 6:39 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   K

      My roommate is exactly like that. Fortunately we live in the bottommost apartment, but even when she’s walking outside and I’m in my bedroom on the opposite side of the building, it’s ear-shattering. She’s a tiny girl, but she LOVES those clicky heels.

      Nov 20, 2013 at 9:40 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   Maitri

    Gotta admit, the poem made me lol

    Nov 18, 2013 at 8:41 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Kwyjor

    Sometimes I wonder in cases like this if the person in question is really making all that much noise, or if it’s just the plumbing or the wind or the building settling or something.

    Nov 18, 2013 at 9:56 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   AP

      It’s usually poor insulation in an old wooden building. In my last building, if my neighbors were taking dishes out of their kitchen cabinets, it sounded like they were throwing basketballs against the wall.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 11:51 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   The Elf

      Exactly. I mean, you really can’t avoid WALKING on your floor! It’s nice to have consideration for your neighbors and avoid excessive noise but tiptoeing everywhere just isn’t realistic. However, putting down carpeting vs. hard floors does help.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 1:07 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.3   JoDa

      Yes a thousand times, Elf. I have new upstairs neighbors, and I’ve BEGGED them to either kick their shoes off or put down some area rugs. There’s not much that can be done for the insulation between the units (due to a leak, I’ve seen it, and it’s as good as it’s going to be), but sound can be minimized with a few small accommodations. Today I got the pleasure of discovering one of them has to wake up at 4:30 AM for work. I asked them to shut the vibrate off on their phone alarm or put it on something softer than whatever it was on this morning (even a paperback book will absorb most of the sound…and I did suggest that “I get that the vibrate might make it more obvious, but could you put something under it…maybe a paperback book or something?”). I have so far gotten the stink eye. This could be a miserable year…

      Nov 18, 2013 at 8:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.4   Lab dude

      Regarding hard floors:
      My mother lives in a ground-floor condo unit. Her upstairs neighbors put in hardwood floors a few years back. They declined to put in the nice, sound-absorbing padding recommended, because it would have meant cutting all their doors to fit. Too much bother, I guess. Now it sounds like living under a gym.
      ‘Go to the condo assoc.’ I hear you cry – no good – they’re ON the condo board, which is how they got it approved in the first place.
      However, they don’t know about securing their WiFi, so I showed my mother how to get free internet….

      Nov 20, 2013 at 8:15 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   sunshynegrll

    I walk like a ninja and people always accuse me of sneaking up on them. Can’t please everyone.

    Nov 18, 2013 at 10:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   Ace of Space

    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue
    Its called living,
    That’s what people do.

    Get earplugs.

    Nov 18, 2013 at 12:09 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   Madrias

    Team Notewriter. Having lived in a middle apartment most of my life, and having been raised to be respectful, I walk as quietly as possible. Sometimes things happen, but good neighbors excuse the occasional loud noise.

    Having lived in said middle apartment most of my life, I’ve also learned how rude and horrible people are.

    Things you can do to make your life better when dealing with neighbors below you:

    1: Pull your bed a foot away from the wall. Doesn’t sound like much until you realize that the bed banging off the wall sounds like a fucking cannon when it echoes through the forced air heating vents.

    2: Pick up your furniture when you move it. Scraping it across the floor emits a noise much like nails on a chalkboard or a dentist’s drill- not so much the noise, but the fact that you can’t block out that sound.

    3: Teach your children some respect. I give a lot of leeway towards families with children when it comes to noise. I know there’s gonna be toys dropped or video games played. That being said, I don’t need to hear the container of LEGO’s being dropped from the top of the fridge, scattered across the floor, and then screaming because someone stepped on them.

    And last, but not least, 4: Realize that your loud music travels through the lovely un-insulated floor/ceiling, and that you can disturb not just your downstairs neighbors, but their downstairs neighbors. Or upstairs neighbors and their upstairs. We had neighbors downstairs who loved rap music at 3 in the morning, and played it loud enough to annoy our upstairs neighbors.

    The end result of following those 4 simple rules? You don’t get your car covered in a half inch of ice topped with all the driveway snow in winter. Or glitter in your air vents in summer. In fact, following those things might mean that your neighbors are less likely to be stressed out at home, and thereby can unwind from a long day, rather than plotting your demise.

    Nov 18, 2013 at 12:58 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Jaid

      I’m curious about the glitter thing. Do share!

      Nov 18, 2013 at 5:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   Madrias

      Simply put, one too many parties on a Wednesday led to me putting the majority of a half-pound jar of glitter under the windshield wipers of the neighbors car early Thursday night.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 10:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   Munkie_Wrench

    “All hours” or just normal waking hours, when you’d rather things be quiet? I mean, I don’t necessarily like hearing my neighbors at 9 on a week night, but it’s still a reasonable hour for them to be awake. Hell, some people don’t even eat dinner till then.

    You live in an apartment (or maybe a condo). Unless the floor and ceiling are really insulated, even normal footsteps are going to be audible. If it’s between the hours of 0600-2200 (or midnight on a weekend), it’s not unreasonable.

    Nov 18, 2013 at 1:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   Cole

    Roses are red,
    Violets are purple,
    Your note reads
    Like you are Steve Urkle.
    1.) So you think I stomp? I would say I sneak, but I will try harder, you adorable geek.
    2.) Those noises you hear, are they really that loud?
    It’s just – bodies smell (if not taken out).
    3.) The noises are weird? That’s not quite so precise,
    my victims *scream*, when I put them on ice!
    4.) The stomps are not stomps! I’m too busy a beaver! What you hear are thuds, all from my meat cleaver.
    5.) The sound and the noise, ‘at all hours’ you whine – you don’t hear them now. Knock, knock, you are mine!

    Nov 18, 2013 at 1:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Dan

      You. Are. Awesome.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 8:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Jami

      Thank you, Dexter Morgan.

      Nov 18, 2013 at 9:06 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #20   Scott Hall

    “forced stomps”

    Nov 18, 2013 at 6:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #21   Jetboy

    A weird loud sound in the ‘common area’? Are we describing a queef?

    Nov 19, 2013 at 11:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   The Elf

      You call it the “common area”? Jetboy, it’s not the village green, where anyone can just play ball!

      Nov 19, 2013 at 12:08 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #22   the cat

    Sometimes downstairs folk can be noisy and rude too. If you can’t get quiet you can get even. When our firstborn was an infant we lived upstairs from a bunch of college students. One night I made many polite post midnight requests that the party be toned down a little so that sick, teething infant wold sleep and allow weary parents to do the same. only response – rude comments.
    6:30AM, baby and I up for the day as usual and hubby off to weekend job. Could hear party guys closing a down and heading for bed. So I put on baby’s current favorite music – Finbar Furey’s “Pipes of Ireland”. 45 minutes of bagpipes. The next time I asked for them to at least turn down the music they were apologetic and did as asked.:)

    Nov 19, 2013 at 1:38 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Pestle

      Tell me about it. We’re in a postwar building with plaster-on-masonry construction, so you can’t hear a thing coming from any other apartment, but the hallways aren’t insulated and the sound will carry out there. Our downstairs neighbors are a bunch of rowdy co-eds who have fights, keep the TV cranked up loud enough to hear from outside, and throw “Huge Group of Girls” parties. Go tell them that the baby’s sleeping, and they give you a blank cow-stare. Would love to just slap them silly.

      Nov 19, 2013 at 1:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #23   Warren

    I just hope the submitter took the comments to heart or discussed them with the neighbour.

    I read the letter and each of those points apply almost exactly to my upstairs neighbour (who I have named ‘Stompy’).

    ‘Stompy’ doesn’t understand her noise footprint. She stomps (everywhere; not just at home); she moves furniture all the time and at all hours; she wears heavy shoes inside and allows guests to do the same; when she walks, my lights rattle and my glasswear jingles; she throws parties that are loud enough that I can sing along to the music from my unit.

    She has absolutely no concept of how much noise she makes, even after a few complaints. If the submitter thought this more a joke than a funny, but reasonable set of gripes then I feel for the person who wrote the note.

    Nov 20, 2013 at 5:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #24   K

    Our upstairs neighbors have a very neglected dog who barks and whines all the time when they’re not home, which is almost always. Someone posted a PAN to the group message board, and they actually started taking care of the poor creature, although I think that’s probably just because they honestly didn’t realize how much noise he was making. It’s gotten better lately, but we recently agreed to foster a pair of very skittish cats for our friends who are currently homeless, and they’re pretty jumpy when faced with disembodied barking.

    Nov 20, 2013 at 9:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #25   Singe

    . . . Burma Shave

    Nov 21, 2013 at 7:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #26   nintendo dsi occasion


    Nov 27, 2013 at 10:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #27   susanlynn

    There is actually a very successful way to deal with this situation. I have tried 2 times with 2 different apts. with immediate success. You type a note as if from building management saying something like, please remember to keep noise down to a minimum after 10pm. out of respect for your fellow neighbors and according to your rental contract (most contracts have a “quiet” curfew of 10 or 11). Thank you for adhering to these policies and respecting your neighbors. Getting a note from management freaks them out enough to shut up. They aren’t going to ask management because they are embarrassed, and they won’t think it’s a tenant so you don’t have to worry about revenge. It works like a charm, just put it in an envelope with their unit# and slide it in their door.

    Dec 1, 2013 at 5:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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