Fever pitch

January 6th, 2014 · 57 comments

Rob and Karen in the U.K. both passed along this note, recently covered in the Manchester Evening News, that was found posted on seats at the Stockport County FC’s home stadium. (Is this what hooliganism looks like in the lower divisions nowadays?)

To: The two guys in black leather jackets who have recently started sitting in these seats. Sorry. There's no way to put this without hurting your feelings, but one or both of you stinks and it is ruining the experience of those around you. Many of us are season ticket holders and it is very unfair that we have to spend the best part of two hours every game with a foul smell like this around us. Please either have a good wash and change your clothes or go and sit elsewhere. Thanks. And yes, it is that bad.

related: Are you ready for some football?!

FILED UNDER: Manchester · odor


57 responses so far ↓

  • #1   AssiveProgressive

    If you throw some beer on them, then they will be forced to take a shower. Use your head, people!

    Jan 7, 2014 at 12:45 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Redheadwglasses

      Or maybe that is part of the problem. People,douse them with beer… And there is no subsequent showering or laundering.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 4:15 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   madrugada

      But you’re wasting the beer! And there’s no guarantee that they’d mind being beer-soaked. They might just love it, rather than go away to shower and change clothes. And then the beer gods would be hella pissed.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 5:57 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Emmo

      No beer at UK football games and I expect that Bovril would just make the situation worse…

      Jan 7, 2014 at 7:12 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   The Elf

      No beer at UK football games? Well, even if you did it would probably be like the beer at the US football games (American football, not soccer). That stuff is $9/cup – minimum – and you would not waste such a precious fluid on bathing encouragement. Not until a PAN routes have been exhausted, anyway.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 7:36 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Pascale Day

      Perhaps beer throwing is the poor (or smelly) man’s shower in Stockport

      Jan 8, 2014 at 2:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   UNILBONKLA

      Did someone say “hella”? What is this, 2002?

      Jan 8, 2014 at 6:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   Rory

      You must not have spoken to any Californians since 2002…

      Jan 8, 2014 at 8:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   Anarasha

      They stink like a rotten skunk, you honestly think some beer will make them shower?

      Mar 11, 2014 at 2:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Janey

    Ouch.

    Jan 7, 2014 at 12:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Eliavy

    Dear notewriter: Vicks.

    Jan 7, 2014 at 1:04 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   H for Toy

      I have encountered people that smell more strongly than Vicks.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 7:51 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   cowbert

      vicks must makes it smell like they took a bath their medicine cabinet instead.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 9:07 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   JenAndJuice

    Maybe bring some spray deodorant… a good dousing should get the point across.

    Jan 7, 2014 at 8:43 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   The Elf

      B.O. isn’t enough? You have to add Axe to the horror?

      Jan 7, 2014 at 8:47 am   rating: 40  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   H for Toy

      Or cologne. Original Old Spice. Gives a new meaning to “dirty old man”.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 9:43 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Poltergeist

      I’d like to know just how many women there are out there that love the smell of Axe. As far as I can tell, it’s only other men like the smell of Axe, and I don’t mean gay men either. I think straight men wear Axe for other straight men.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 6:43 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Raichu

      Some Axe scents can be nice in low quantities…with the keyword here being “low”

      Jan 7, 2014 at 9:14 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Jami

      Seeing how they’re men who don’t wash the best thing to do is to find the cheapest perfume you can find – something that makes one think of stereotypical grandmas who long ago lost their sense of smell – and near the end of the game douse them heavily with it. They’ll have to bathe and wash their clothing then. And just keep doing it until they start bathing on a regular basis or stop coming.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 9:26 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   L

      Axe just smells like high school to me. Where boys thought if they used enough, the commercials would come true!

      Jan 8, 2014 at 4:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Ace of Space

    Translation:

    Dudes, wash your ass.

    Jan 7, 2014 at 10:15 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Kelsey

      They only have one ass between them? Maybe that’s the problem.

      Jan 8, 2014 at 8:29 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Belle

    I’d rather smell plain old BO than someone who has slathered themselves in Axe. Especially if they put on copious amounts of Axe to cover up the BO in the first place.

    Jan 7, 2014 at 11:13 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   assiveProgressive

    I just read the story. I am surprised to learn this is outdoors. They must be really horrid. Is smoking allowed? That is also a good way to mask stank. The last time I smoked it was on my breaks from a horrid cleaning job at a relative’s house of putrid dog stank.

    Jan 7, 2014 at 11:31 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Raichu

      Smoke just creates more stank for many people.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 12:55 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Tard

    It is probably their clothes, my grandson used to smell like a Billygoat and it turned out he never washed his clothes…. because when he moved away from mommy it turns out he had never run the clothes washer in his life and literally did not know how. Holy crap!

    Jan 7, 2014 at 12:33 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Jami

      Could be them too. My 6th grade teacher used to preach about how we should bathe only once every three days and never use antiperspirant. Also that Listerine was poisoning the water table every time you brushed your teeth. She treated me like Satan’s spawn because I bathed daily.

      She also used to say we’d all lose our jobs to robots and it was all President Reagan’s fault and then we’d die in the coming ice age thanks to global cooling.

      According to Tina Fey actor Mathew Mc-what’shisface also doesn’t bathe regularly or use antiperspirant because his mom told him not to because “the body’s natural smell is beautiful.” And that when on SNL he was always taking his shirt off and stunk to high heaven.

      Some people just do not believe in staying clean.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 12:43 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Tard

      People, they be dumb!

      Jan 7, 2014 at 12:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Raichu

      A SIXTH GRADE TEACHER? That’s especially awful. It’s right when most people need to *begin* wearing deodorant and bathing daily.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 1:00 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   uncreative

      My mother did laundry, and when I moved away from home, I’d never done laundry for myself either. So, when I started college, I figured out how to do a load of laundry. It’s not that hard, really. Sure, during my first few years every now and then I had a mishap – something got miscolored or something got damaged. But I didn’t decide to just not wash my clothes because my mom had been doing it for me. And this is the day and age of the internet, you could look up instructions if you really need them. So, yes, parents should teach basic life skills before kids leave home, but it’s still not much of an excuse for just not doing something as basic as washing your clothes.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 3:51 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   assiveProgressive bang

      My mother was always drunk and ruined my clothes a few times doing the laundry drunk… so I started doing my own laundry as a preteen/teenager … There are directions right on the back of the laundry detergent bottle/box. Laundromats also have directions plastered all over the place. So, no excuse.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 4:39 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   Snowflame

      I had a flatmate in university who used to save up all his laundry to take back to his mother at the end of term. He knew *how* to do it, he simply did not.

      I always wondered what the hell she said when he brought the massive bag of stinking clothes home for her.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 4:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.7   Jami

      @Raichu – Yeah, she was a real piece of work. She would pick four favorites at the start of the year and treat all the other students like crap. We’d all have to praise them and never were allowed any praise. She told one of my classmates who was crying because her twin brother had hit her that she “cries just like a pig” instead of punishing the brother.

      So many of her students went on to flunk classes and have behavioral problems in junior high that they knocked her down to fourth grade.

      Like I said, with me it was all about how I bathed daily, used antiperspirant, perfume, and Listerine. (And this was back when Listerine was only the gold kind. I used to rinse with it before brushing. I figured I’d get the germ killing power but minty fresh breath.)

      I got back at her in my own ways though. Like correcting her when she gave out incorrect information. Such as the time she tried to tell us that bees poop honey when in truth honey is actually bee vomit.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 4:56 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.8   Raichu

      I’m still kind of nonplussed at adults who can’t do laundry. I’m thankful that my mom taught me how to operate the washer as soon as I was 12. (and like everyone has said, it is *not* that hard.)

      Snowflame, that reminds me a bit of my brother, though he’s not quite as bad. He wears all his things several times, then brings it all home (including bedsheets) during breaks to wash it. But he does wash it himself – like me, he’s been doing laundry all his teenage and adult life. (He also showers daily and wears deodorant, so to me it’s more of an odd quirk than “ew ew ew”. And I suppose it does save him money.)

      Jan 7, 2014 at 9:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.9   Jami

      The only thing I don’t know how to do when it comes to laundry is iron. I’ve asked several times to be shown how and to even have an old shirt to practice on as I learn better by seeing and doing then reading or being told. Every single time I just get a series of instructions rattled off to me.

      I’m either going to have to spend the rest of my life looking for clothing that never wrinkles or kidnapping some domestic goddess and making her teach me instead of telling me.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 9:29 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.10   assiveProgressive bang

      I sometimes iron the collar of my blouses, but that’s about it. Now don’t try to kidnap me, I might do something passive aggressive like throw beer around and blow some smoke at ya

      Jan 7, 2014 at 9:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.11   H for Toy

      Jami, when you come over for my birthday ice cream cake, either my mom or I will teach you how to iron. Or, I could just marry you, like you suggested, and I’ll do it for you :)

      Jan 7, 2014 at 9:43 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.12   kermit

      Not to be a buzzkill, but if you think that rinsing your mouth with Listerine is going to make it clean and bacteria-free you must have failed basic chemistry.

      Brushing your teeth and then rising it with alcohol – which is what Listerine contains – only makes bacteria grow more and faster.

      If you’re actually bathing/showering daily (and I don’t just mean standing under the shower head to rise soap off) and have a sedentary job, there is no reason for you to be shellacking yourself with deodorant. If you’re sweating that much that you start to reek you either have some sweat gland issue, don’t exercise regularly and definitely don’t drink enough water to get rid of your toxins.

      Jan 8, 2014 at 10:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.13   Jami

      I give myself a good scrub every day and drink plenty of water. And I can use as much antiperspirant as I want and you can’t stop me.

      Random story! My mom has a friend who’s son joined some sort of team where shaving his armpits was actually required. Over time he found he used 50% less deodorant when his armpits were shaved verses when he let the hair grow wild and free. And that was with the same amount of bathing and everything. Without the hair there to trap sweat and grow bacteria he smelled better. Last I heard he was in his 50s and still shaving his armpits daily.

      Jan 8, 2014 at 2:10 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.14   Poltergeist

      Kermit, most peoples’ underarms start to smell a few hours after they shower if they don’t wear deodorant. Regardless of what we’re doing, our underarms are fairly warm parts of our bodies, especially when you add some layers of clothes.

      And while you can argue about the true effectiveness of mouthwashes and that they are not, on their own, an effective replacement for regular brushing and flossing, I have never heard of any scientific claims that they actually *increase* the growth of bacteria in your mouth.

      Jan 8, 2014 at 8:40 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.15   Lainey

      Jami – I think your 6th Grade Teacher had a crazy sister, my HS Biology teacher. She was a true whack-a-doodle in that she thought the government was listening in through the school’s PA system.

      Jan 9, 2014 at 1:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.16   The Beast Among Us

      Jami, ironing is fairly easy. I’ll bet you could find a video on YouTube that can teach you how to iron, unless you’re looking for some kind of visitation from someone.

      Jan 9, 2014 at 5:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Raichu

    Team note-writer 100%. There aren’t any truly nice ways to tell someone they stink, but this is one of the least mean, and part of public courtesy is not stinking for everyone else to smell.

    Jan 7, 2014 at 1:00 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   M

    How is this passive aggressive? Seems pretty honest and straightforward…

    Jan 7, 2014 at 2:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   assiveProgressive bang

      Because it’s a note and it’s left out in the open where other people can read it. It’s more round-about than just saying something to the person’s face. Or to his ass, which I assume is stinkier than his face.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 4:41 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Snowflame

    Am I the only one thinking that they’re probably from another team, sent in to discourage the home supporters?

    Jan 7, 2014 at 3:20 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Sam

      Doubtful, supporters of opposing teams are not allowed to sit together due to the possibility of violence. Usually the stadium is divided down the middle, one team’s supporters behind the oppositions goal, the others behind the other goal.

      Jan 7, 2014 at 7:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Snowflame

      Uh, yeah, I know. :) I was assuming sent in there in disguise. I also admit I wasn’t being one hundred percent serious in my theory.

      Jan 8, 2014 at 1:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Mags

      How do they enforce that? Do they come and move you if you cheer at the wrong time?

      Jan 12, 2014 at 10:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   assiveProgressive bang

    This also reminds me that when we were in junior high we were commanded to take a shower after gym. But almost nobody would. We’d just keep our clothes on and stick our arms in the shower. Really, it’s not like we got sweaty square dancing or whatever the heck it was we did in gym.

    Jan 7, 2014 at 4:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Ajax

    Then again, some people do get a kick out of reeking. If the recipient is one of those types, the note gave him a thrill.

    Jan 7, 2014 at 6:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Lita bang

    I feel like I need a shower just reading this note. Bleah.

    Jan 7, 2014 at 7:18 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Belle

    I started teaching my son basic cooking & household skills when he
    was 12 years old. He learned out to do laundry, cook basic stuff like hamburgers, eggs, grilled cheese sandwiches, etc. As he got older I taught him to cook/bake using recipes so he’d know how to measure out ingredients properly. They offered a home ec course when he started middle school & I encouraged him to take it. Turns out he’s better at sewing than I am.

    Jan 8, 2014 at 12:59 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   The Beast Among Us

      I started cooking when I was 9. No one taught me, I just grabbed a recipe for biscuits and figured it out myself. I got into trouble because I wasn’t allowed to play with the oven, and I wasn’t even supposed to be in the kitchen, but then everyone tasted the biscuits, and they were good.

      Jan 9, 2014 at 5:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Lab dude

      I learned basic laundering at home by the time I was in High School. I could also use an iron fairly well.
      It came in really handy when I was in the service, because I made some good $ ironing uniforms. I was especially good at ‘military’ creases in dress shirts. I also made some $ shining shoes for inspections.
      And while I had some passing acquaintance with a sewing machine and hand stitching (used to do leather work), it wasn’t until I was aboard ship that I really learned to use a sewing machine properly. Who knew that there was THAT much equipment that needed covers made and repaired? I could also do minor uniform repairs (shirt buttons, small tears), but I left the serious stuff for the tailor/dry cleaner that visited the ship in port regularly.
      I still do (almost) all my own ironing when necessary, and occasionally laundry, if I need something outside the rotation, or have special requirements.
      I am also a volunteer Scout leader, and I do all my own uniform patches, and did my son’s when he was a Scout. I tried to teach him, but fine motor skills were a real problem for him, and after he poked himself with a needle 2 – 3 times, he’d had enough.
      We are also teaching him how to cook with simple recipes, repeated many times, and emphasis on basic skills.
      I truly believe there is no excuse (short of outright physical/mental disability) for not being able to handle basic laundry, cooking, cleaning, and especially personal care. You don’t have to be an expert at knot-tying to tie your own shoes – and you wouldn’t ask someone else to do it for you, right?

      Jan 10, 2014 at 2:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Phil Oop North bang

    Jesus Christ, they must really, really stink if it’s ruining going to watch County!

    And Stockport isn’t a part of Manchester.

    Jan 9, 2014 at 1:05 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Kasaba

    I’ve stood/sat next to some pretty rank-smelling guys on public transport, but none of them have ever come close, to smelling as offensive as the multitudes in this city who choose to douse themselves with Joop. The popularity of that scent (stink) astounds me.

    Jan 9, 2014 at 1:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up