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Trapped in the (Water) Closet

January 14th, 2014 · 53 comments

Writes Robert in Redmond, Washington: “In our office, in this particular bathroom, at this particular urinal, there strikes a phantom pisser, who finds joy in covering the floor in front of the urinal 1/8 inch deep in piss — every single day. One coworker got fed up with this and posted the following series of sticky notes. Then some other coworkers then jumped in to add their own particular flair.”

Stop stinkling on the floor. You are an adult not a diaper-wearing baby man. Thank you —Your loving coworkers.

related: The Urinal Games

extra credit: Aziz Ansari on R. Kelly [youtube]

FILED UNDER: rebuttals · smartass · toilet · Washington state

53 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Tard

    Well, it IS Redmond.

    Jan 14, 2014 at 6:49 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   ArtsBeatLA


      Jan 14, 2014 at 7:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Poltergeist

      Meaning that Redmond is inhabited exclusively by diaper-wearing baby-men.

      Jan 14, 2014 at 11:32 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Tard

      Microsoft HQ is in Redmond, their employees are pampered babies with very low social skills.

      Yes, I’ve worked there with them, couldn’t take the overprivledged, pretentious babymen who wore shorts and flip flops in the winter, conspicuously drank beer at lunch (look at me, I’m soooo edgy!) and ran into walls from looking down at everyone
      as they strutted about.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 10:04 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   The Elf

      Microsoft employees drink beer at lunch? Well, that explains Vista.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 10:45 am   rating: 52  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   The Elf

      That also explains Vista.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 12:00 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   Sara

      Is beer with (work) lunch a big no no in the US? I’m curious as it’s fairly standard in the UK, Europe, Australia & NZ.

      Jan 16, 2014 at 5:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   The Beast Among Us

      Beer is okay. Weed during lunch is generally frowned upon, though.

      Jan 16, 2014 at 6:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.8   cheme

      It is not OK where I work, but I work in an industrial setting and travel between sites a lot, so I’m pretty sure people in a similar industry in other countries wouldn’t drink beer over lunch.

      Dinner with coworkers and customers, though? Totally.

      Jan 17, 2014 at 7:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.9   DaveS

      Alcohol at lunch is definitely banned in most U.S. offices. If you want to drink at lunch you have to go off-site. Some places used to make exceptions at work Christmas parties, but even that is unheard of these days.

      Tech companies are pretty much the only exception to that now.

      Jan 17, 2014 at 6:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #2   Wetard

    Look for the midget. It’s always the midget that can’t hit the urinal.

    Jan 14, 2014 at 7:18 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #3   JT


    Jan 14, 2014 at 7:50 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Jami

      Stinky tinkles?

      Jan 14, 2014 at 10:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Lita bang

      If you stinkle when you…ah…um…no, I do believe that totally ruins it.

      Jan 14, 2014 at 10:26 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   Jami

      If it stinkles when you tinkle – DRINK MORE RAZZEN-FRAZZEN WATER!

      Jan 14, 2014 at 11:02 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Poltergeist

      They would drink more water if they could, but Redheadwglasses wasn’t there to change out the jug on the water cooler.

      You better get on that right away Red, you lazy stump of a woman.

      Jan 14, 2014 at 11:26 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   Redheadwglasses

      It’s official; I blow dead goats.

      Jan 16, 2014 at 7:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #3.6   Lab dude

      I have pictures

      Jan 17, 2014 at 9:43 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #4   juju_skittles

    This type of behaviour drives me nuts. Somebody has to monitor this bathroom. Now! It would absolutely kill me not knowing who it was doing this, and why! Maybe they need some prostate-health awareness posters put up. It makes me want to hang around the door of the toilet, smiling oddly at everyone who came in or out (you know – the “I know what you’ve been doing face”, whether it was them or not). But I guess that would probably get me beaten up. And now even I am getting disturbed at how infatuated with this I am getting…I guess bizarre is in the eye of the beholder.

    Jan 14, 2014 at 10:52 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Raichu

      No, it’s definitely bizarre. Too bad there isn’t a good way to monitor it. That kind of behavior is gross :|

      Jan 17, 2014 at 9:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #5   AssiveProgressive

    I cannot understand why people trash their workplace bathroom. And it’s not just the men. Yesterday I heard a female employee come out of one of the bathrooms, and she said to the other woman, “Who does that?!” Apparently someone did a No. 2 and didn’t flush. Ugh!!!

    Jan 14, 2014 at 11:50 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Kwyjor

      Well, flushing at least can be unexpectedly tricky at times. Sometimes a tap on the handle will suffice; sometimes standing around for a few seconds while holding it down is necessary. There are many other behaviors that are far more questionable.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 9:56 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Jami

      Sometimes you do flush and the damn toilet “burps up” everything you thought it took down. Especially with those damn low flow toilets. I’ll never understand how something you sometimes have to flush up to eight times but always a minimum of three could possibly be better for the environment than something you flush once.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 10:17 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Marie

      Well at least it was in the toilet…sometimes it’s not. My husband worked at a fast food place in college and someone literally came in one day and smeared it everywhere. Who. Does. This? Who is compelled to touch their own poo and paint the walls with it?

      Jan 15, 2014 at 3:24 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   Tard

      People trash company property when they feel disenfranchised, typically by abrasive management but also by inadequate,petty coworkers.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 3:41 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   Jami

      I will point out once again I spent a summer cleaning beach restrooms and some people just have a fetish for it.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 4:53 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #5.6   poopypants

      I had someone recently tell me that wherever they were staying had a toilet where you had to flush, let up, then flush down but for a very specific second count during each step of the process or it wouldn’t work. Toilets are weird.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 11:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #5.7   The Beast Among Us

      The other day, my poo took four flushed before it finally moved. I was proud.

      Jan 16, 2014 at 6:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.8   Lab dude

      At least these all use water. Aboard ship we had these bizarre vacuum toilets. Push the button and the valve at the base of the bowl was supposed to open, so the vacuum could whisk your feces away to a holding tank. Except it would often fail to open, whereupon one had to grab a broom handle, conveniently provided for this purpose, and with it, push – through one’s steaming pile – against the valve until it opened. Following which, a thimble-full of water would trickle through in a pitiful attempt to rinse the bowl.
      Since then, I really don’t care if you have to tap out the Gettysburg Address in Morse code on the handle to make it flush – it beats the hell out of poking it with a stick.

      Jan 17, 2014 at 9:59 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #5.9   DaveS

      “And it’s not just the men.”

      No, in fact the women are usually worse! I used to pick up extra money cleaning at a bar/restaurant owned by one of my mother’s friends. There was never a day when the women’s restroom wasn’t worse than the men’s room. And every other person I’ve talked to who has done janitorial work has agreed that women’s restrooms are usually worse.

      In their own homes women may be all about cleanliness, but they turn into slobs in public restrooms.

      This place may have been a little worse than most because of the drunken 20-somethings it attracted at night. Lipstick on mirrors and walls, paper towels covering the floor while the trash can was half empty, women who squatted over the toilets and missed, used feminine hygiene products left out in the open rather than in the special containers for them that were in the stalls, and panties in the toilet.

      Jan 17, 2014 at 7:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #6   TRT

    Wait… someone got out a ruler to measure the 1/8″ depth of a piss puddle?

    Jan 15, 2014 at 4:43 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Elf

      Apparently. I think we can safely assume engineers were involved somehow.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 7:14 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   DaveS

      Sounds like government work.

      Jan 17, 2014 at 7:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #7   The Elf

    It’s the R-Kelly note that elevates this from ordinary to awesome. Thank you, anonymous note writer.

    Jan 15, 2014 at 7:16 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

  • #8   Dane Zeller

    How incredibly rude this is. Give us the depth of the puddle, but don’t tell us it’s diameter! Inconsiderate beyond belief. A single drop could be one-eighth inch deep, and who doesn’t do that with a concluding shake?

    Jan 15, 2014 at 8:19 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Lita bang

      If you have to shake it more than three times, you’re playing with it.

      As for the diameter of the puddle, I think if it’s a puddle, we can (probably) assume it’s a bit more than a drop. I’m not a maths-y sort, but if someone who is would like to calculate exactly when a spill turns into a puddle, I’d be glad to name the variable for you.

      Clearly, it’s “p”.

      (I’d be sorry, but I haven’t slept yet.)

      Jan 15, 2014 at 8:44 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Snowflame

      To be honest, if it’s a single drop that’s sitting on the floor an 1/8th of an inch deep….you’re probably pissing ice.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 3:19 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #9   Snicklefritz

    There’s nothing worse than having to stand or wade through someone else’s pee. Not that I know what it’s like around a men’s urinal, but I’ve waded through enough subway tunnels and their associated stairwells to speak with a fair amount of knowledge on the subject. It’s a smell that haunts you. So yes, I agree with the term stinkling.
    Change approved.

    Jan 15, 2014 at 9:25 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   The Beast Among Us

      I can top that with stepping in human feces in an elevator.

      Jan 16, 2014 at 6:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #10   Mith

    Omygod, these sticky notes are pasted right on the… urine?

    Jan 15, 2014 at 11:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   H for Toy

      with urine.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 12:41 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Lita bang

      Ew, sticky urine.

      Although if it’s sticky…urine trouble.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 1:53 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   Snowflame

      That does explain why post it notes are yellow.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 3:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   AssiveProgressive

      I assumed the sticky notes were on the wall. I never have note paper and a pen with me when I go to the restroom. Don’t you think that’s kind of odd?

      Jan 15, 2014 at 5:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #10.5   The Elf

      I suddenly never want to use post-its again. I guess 3 M stands for Marinating in a Messy Men’s room.

      Jan 15, 2014 at 5:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.6   Madrias

      If you can pee high enough to hit the post its, please go join the fire department…

      Jan 16, 2014 at 3:17 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.7   Raichu

      Someone should add a post-it with a big target drawn on it.

      Jan 17, 2014 at 9:41 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #11   oldnorthstate

    I was facilities chief at a private school grades K-12. I had a similar mess/mystery where every day, sometime after lunch, a lake of pee would form under a urinal. I made sure that the janitorial service mopped every evening, checked in the morning, and every couple hours when passing by the area. ( I walked about 8 miles per shift around campus). One day I heard giggling as I was outside the door, walked in quickly and saw a 5th grade boy standing back about three feet from the urinal air mailing his bladder contents, while laughing and having a great time. I said “I caught you! If this ever happens again-I will take you to the Dean’s office so that you can explain this to her and your Mom.” He was scared to death and it never happened again, but it was months before I caught him. He wasn’t showing off for friends, as he was alone in the bathroom. Guess folks have different ideas about what is fun and I can’t imagine and adult doing it.

    Jan 19, 2014 at 10:46 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #12   Kittymama

    I don’t understand the two notes that mention “fix” and “fixed.” Are they computery or gamer allusions?

    Jan 21, 2014 at 7:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   whu

      Most of the workers at Microsoft will be developers – in dev language, “fixed” is common in referring to bugs (in this case peeing on the floor)

      Jan 28, 2014 at 7:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   Kittymama

      Yeah, I liked the idea that potential upcoming Building 44 might not allow its floor to be peed on. And “Kindly won’t fix” is also something that would make sense in that context? Like maybe people often ask each other in polite shorthand, “Kindly fix” and so someone humorously added “won’t fix” and then someone humorously/politely added “Kindly”? Not a big deal. I’m such a language geek. Thanks, whu.

      Jan 30, 2014 at 12:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   Kupo

      “Won’t fix” is often one of the reasons that can be selected when closing a bug in a bug tracker. It means the bug is insignificant, intentional, or resolved some other way. I’ve never seen kindly used with it like that, but it does sound like a play on “kindly fix,” which I could see someone using when opening a bug.

      Jan 30, 2014 at 2:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   Duckpal


    Mar 13, 2014 at 1:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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