The cowardly lawn

January 22nd, 2014 · 83 comments

Writes Claire in Cincinnati: “This individual moved in a month ago and is already getting into a note war with the neighbors!”

To the 'neighbors': Thanks for the letter. Worry about yourself. Not my lawn. For our real neighbors, we apologize. Thanks for being a coward!

To the 'neighbors': Thanks for the letter. Worry about yourself. Not my lawn. For our real neighbors, we apologize. Thanks for being a coward!

related: An eyesore for an eyesore

FILED UNDER: Cincinnati · neighbors · public shaming · thanks (but not really)


83 responses so far ↓

  • #1   assiveProgressive

    you’re welcome! Now buy a weed whacker already.

    Jan 22, 2014 at 11:19 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   lapushka

      It’s none of your fucking business what my lawn looks like. Now keep your eyes in your own yard already.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 1:22 am   rating: 39  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   lapushka

      It’s none of your fucking business what my lawn looks like. Now keep your eyes in your own yard already.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 1:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   The Elf

      Depends upon if you have an HOA or not, and how strict that HOA is about lawn care. If you live in one of those neighborhoods, yes your lawn is everyone else’s business.

      (Personally, I was glad to move out of an HOA neighborhood. I’ll take the occassional unkempt lawn in exchange for the ability to plant rosemary in my front yard.)

      Jan 23, 2014 at 7:27 am   rating: 44  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Lil'

      Is “rosemary” code for “pot” and is “front yard” code for “back yard”? If so, I know what you mean. If not, never mind.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 9:59 am   rating: 66  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Tammy

      LOL Lil’

      Jan 23, 2014 at 10:11 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Snicklefritz

      Rosemary was the neighbor that sent the letter. Elf was just disposing of said nuisance in the most opportunistic and expedient manner.
      She was lured over by a rousing rendition of “C’Mon a My House” played through an old HiFi Stereo that was left behind by the former occupants.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 12:50 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   louise

      I’ve already explained the flawed maths of your spam. Now begone!

      Jan 24, 2014 at 6:17 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   Jami

      I’m now having visions of Lousie as Gandalf shouting “YOU SHALL NOT SPAM!”

      Jan 25, 2014 at 5:43 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.9   Jami

      Your best friend’s mother needs a beer.

      Jan 28, 2014 at 10:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Eliavy

    I think that sign goes beyond a note war. That sign is like showing up to a knife fight with a gun.

    Jan 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Simon

    Only a month and their response to a letter is a billboard on their front lawn?! Welcome to the “neighbourhood”, biznatches

    Jan 22, 2014 at 11:29 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Jami

      Maybe the other person was writing them notes every single day and they finally had it?

      Jan 23, 2014 at 12:41 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   FeRD bang

      @Simon: Oh, it never takes long. The type who’re going to get into this sort of thing are ready for it pretty much from Day 1. Chomping at the bit, sometimes seems like.

      @Jami: I suppose, but… daily, and implied anonymous, notes about someone else’s lawn? I can’t deny it’s possible, but that seems sort of like hearing hoofbeats and expecting a zebra. (Plus, the sign reads “letter”, singular.) Personally I’d bet on the simplest explanation: that whoever posted this massive banner is proving themselves a Problem Neighbor™.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 4:42 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   The Elf

      Every neighborhood has one. If yours doesn’t….. you’re probably the one.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 7:28 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   kermit

      Meh, I bet you the new neighbor is just advertising that he has a banner/sign business he is trying to secretly advertise.

      Nobody in this economy would spend that much money to have a banner printed professionally over something as ridiculous and single-use as grass height.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 8:02 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   Kwyjor

      Seriously, banners like that are crazy expensive.

      Of course, we don’t know if the problem is grass height. Maybe the whole lawn is covered in unsightly banners!

      Jan 23, 2014 at 9:52 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   assiveProgressive

      In my neighborhood, the kids would steal a banner like that and stick it in someone else’s yard.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 10:56 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   The Elf

      Oh, I think you guys are underestimating the douche powers of a truly dedicated Problem Neighbor. Price is no object when you need to Prove A Point.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 11:08 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.8   Tesselara

      I buy banners like this in my job, and they run $300-$500. You could pay a neighborhood kid to do your lawn for the entire growing season for that kind of cash. But, that doesn’t address the letter-generated insane fury quite as well as a giant poorly attached sign.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 12:06 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.9   Tesselara

      Also–it is worth saying that I once considered putting up a sign…after some mysterious someone ran over and killed our cat while driving WAY too fast on our road (and for the record, I’m actually anti-outdoor cat, so please for the love of god, don’t start).
      But I didn’t. Because signs are shitty, even when dead cats and speeding assholes are involved.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 12:13 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.10   Jami

      @Ferd – Could be a typo. Or maybe the letter was crazy huge. Like manifesto huge.

      Least they weren’t reported to code enforcement like my neighbor likes to do.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 2:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.11   The Beast Among Us

      Just met our “code enforcer” for the first time. She was all upset because my fence was broken, thanks to another neighbor who tore it down in a drunken fight with his wife. I don’t have the means to fix it now, and there’s no law about fences, but man, she put up a fit about it with so many threats of what she was going to do if I didn’t fix it. So I asked her to help me fix it, either with money or physical help, which she completely refused. And then I said, “Look, you want it fixed, not me. I don’t really care. But since YOU’RE the one that wants it fixed, and you want it fixed a certain way, then perhaps YOU should be the one who fixes it.” She left in a huff and said she would send the inspector to fine me.

      We don’t live in an HOA, but she thinks we do.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 7:30 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.12   kermit

      If I ever lose my marbles and decide that $300 on a giant PA sign is a good investment, mine will read “JUST ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG ALREADY!!!!” (courtesy of Izzy on another post). It covers all bases and a slights.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 8:33 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.13   Cheap Bastard

      For the cheap passive aggressive banner writers.

      You can get those banners cheap online at Vista Print. They’ll even through in rope clips for a few bucks. I bought one and it lasted quite awhile.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 8:52 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.14   Jami

      She can report you to the city, Beast. That’s what our neighbor does. He files – often false – reports to code enforcement. For awhile he couldn’t get a lot through because the guy assigned to our neighborhood at the time was awesome. But now there’s this power mad woman who believes his every report and even threatened to put a lien against our house because someone else had tossed a couch on our sidewalk. (Which we had reported to different people to have it removed six times before seven am, BTW. But they didn’t remove it until the afternoon.)

      Jan 23, 2014 at 9:20 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.15   AssiveProgressive

      I wonder what would have happened if you set the offending couch on fire?

      Jan 23, 2014 at 11:26 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.16   H for Toy

      That’s what I told the actual code enforcer, when he came to tell me about the neighbor complaining about our roof needing to be fixed. I told him we didn’t have the money for it yet, but if the neighbor wanted to possibly cancel one of his extravagant parties, and use that money to pay for it, I’d be happy to allow him to. Conversely the code enforcer was welcome to climb onto the roof himself if it bothered him so much. I don’t believe I was nearly that polite, however. There were definitely angry tears and fuck was scattered throughout the conversation (which, coming from a woman who regularly says “holy moly,” means I was really mad.)

      Jan 24, 2014 at 5:10 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.17   The Elf

      No, HOA, no fence-law, and she feels the need to complain? Oh, that’s a winner…..

      Clearly, the solution to this is to get a very large banner reading: “Dear “neighbor”, I’ll fix the fence when I damn well get around to it.”

      Jan 24, 2014 at 8:25 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.18   Jami

      See, our code enforcement officer is a power mad bitch. This is the same one who wanted dad to put in a lawn BEFORE he put in the sprinkler system. She would e-mail him every single day telling him that she wanted our front yards “green” within a certain period of time. She would never reply to a single e-mail. (Dad was doing all the work by himself as he wanted complete control.)

      It got so bad my brother and I went to the assistant mayor and asked him to tell her to back off. He gave dad a month’s extension. Which was just enough time.

      Since she believes our neighbor even when we can prove him a liar and cites everyone in the neighborhood except those that actually deserve it we think either she’s taking bribes from him or having sex with him. Course we can’t prove either. It’s one of those cases where I wish I could afford a PI or had a PI friend who owes me a favor.

      Jan 24, 2014 at 8:54 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.19   it's naptime

      Another situation that calls for Dresden and a zombie t-rex! What are the odds!

      Jan 25, 2014 at 6:13 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.20   Jami

      I’ve got to introduce you to Johannes Cabal, Nap. Series by Johnathan L. Howard about a necromancer. One not afraid to match wits against Satan, solve murder mysteries, and be sarcastic to Elder Gods.

      He’s the one I’d want on my side in this situation. Cause they say you can’t fight city hall but with Cabal on my side, even though I’d likely end up owing him a huge favor, there’s no way I could lose.

      Jan 25, 2014 at 11:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.21   MickeyButters

      @Kwyjor – I initially read your comment as “Maybe the whole lawn is covered in unsightly BANANAS!”

      Now THAT would require daily PA Note writing – Think of the potential for luring wild monkeys to the neighborhood.

      Jan 26, 2014 at 6:50 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.22   Raichu

      This thread makes me so glad I have awesome neighbors. I guess I should appreciate it while it lasts.

      Jan 27, 2014 at 7:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.23   The Elf

      You said it, Raichu. I feel very lucky.

      Jan 27, 2014 at 11:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.24   The Beast Among Us

      @ Jami – In my city, there is no law about the fence in the front yard. As long as it doesn’t intrude on the sidewalk, it’s fine. It can exist, or not exist, or partially exist, etc. It can be any shape, color, and height. The only thing it cannot do is intrude on the sidewalk, which it does not. I’ve removed any pieces that were, and I’ve also removed the wrecked parts so there is nothing unsightly except a missing section. She can report me, and they can come out and look, but nothing will be done.

      Living in the desert means that we aren’t allowed green lawns. Our yards are covered in rocks and small desert shrubs. Most of my neighbors have yards covered in dirt and dead shrubs.

      @ H for Toy – I replaced some of my roof last year. Fortunately, I found the same color at the hardware store, so it was easy to fix. I replaced it because it started leaking, and because I didn’t want it to look bad. I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with this woman regarding that, because one of my neighbors did. They replaced some of their roofing at the same time I did, and they didn’t find matching materials, so part of their roof is a different color. She had a fit about that, but there isn’t any law about roof color where I live, so all she could do was complain.

      I’m awaiting more complaints. I feel like doing stuff on purpose just to see what she’ll do. Perhaps a concrete penguin…

      Jan 27, 2014 at 2:51 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.25   Lita bang

      How about one of those concrete geese you can dress up? They’re rather hideous.

      Jan 27, 2014 at 4:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Tard

    My parents got into extended fights with every neighbor, everywhere they ever lived.

    Somehow, it was always someone else’s fault.

    Jan 22, 2014 at 11:53 pm   rating: 52  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   The Elf

      They didn’t ever look at the common denominator? Yeah, a friend of mine is like that with jobs. And landlords/roommates. It’s just amazing how many people are just out to get him! It couldn’t possibly be because he’s a difficult person to get along with!

      Jan 23, 2014 at 7:30 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Lil'

      I have an aunt like that. Every time her roommate/living arrangements come to an end, the police are involved. Oddly, she is always the victim.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 10:05 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   yeahman

      Yeah, my ex-wife was/is the same way. Work, “friends”, everywhere she goes she burns bridges but it’s never her fault.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 12:06 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Tesselara

      There are difficult people, and then there are very difficult people. The difference between the two is simple: the first knows it and the second refuses to know it.

      Jan 23, 2014 at 12:09 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Roto13

    Passive Aggressive Banners is thataway –>

    Jan 22, 2014 at 11:53 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Roxy Random

    Dear neighbor: your banner is askew. Please fix it immediately.

    Sincerely,
    The Cowards

    Jan 23, 2014 at 8:59 am   rating: 62  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Lita bang

    Well, this is clearly going to be a banner year for PANs!

    Jan 23, 2014 at 9:27 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Tesselara

      You did it again! <3

      Jan 23, 2014 at 12:01 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Lita bang

      I admit it, I just love seeing what new awful puns I can come up with. :D

      Jan 23, 2014 at 7:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Tesselara

      Keep ‘em coming! My boss tosses good puns my way all the time. Just yesterday, he used “tarragon of virtue” with virtuosic flair. It was gorgeous.

      Jan 25, 2014 at 7:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Lita bang

      Well, if one has thyme for those kinds of puns, they certainly are the spice of life! :D

      (okay that was bad even for me, I’m so sorry, I’m marathon reading Pearls Before Swine)

      Jan 25, 2014 at 7:25 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   Tesselara

      Don’t be modest! You’re making a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.

      Jan 26, 2014 at 7:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   Lita bang

      Hah! I may have to adopt you as a pun protégé.

      Jan 26, 2014 at 12:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   H for Toy

      *rolls eyes* those are herbs, not spices!

      Kidding. You guys are killing me! Love it :)

      Jan 26, 2014 at 2:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   AP

    I don’t see anything wrong with their lawn.

    The note’s a bit much, but the lawn is fine.

    Jan 23, 2014 at 11:47 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   1Love

    I’m confused on how to identify the bad “neighbor” in my cul-de-sac. ‘Above the law’ runs rampant.
    *Dogs and cats run wild and are not picked up after.
    *Daddy’s little girl next door throws a party at every opportunity. Loud music through multiple walls and street fights are awesome!
    *Putting out orange cones to close street and protect playing kids seems incredibly genius, but can I please get access to my driveway?
    *Don’t park in front of your own house, please park in front of mine.

    Me? Well, my lawn is not always cared for in a timely manner.

    Jan 23, 2014 at 12:28 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   shersher

      Ack… the guy who parks his POS truck in front of my house instead of his own… I can tolerate most everything else but having Fred Sanford’s loaded truck in front of my house just really bugs me. I guess I need a sign….

      Jan 25, 2014 at 10:29 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   assiveProgressive

      I had a neighbor who actually parked a big rig, sans trailer, in front of our house and warmed it up in the morning. For a short time, because we reported him.

      Jan 25, 2014 at 11:28 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Havingfitz

    Here in Cincinnati, there are only two ways to deal with your issues. Distant, indignant passive-aggressiveness, or showing up at someone’s front door with a chainsaw. Sometimes we just do both on the same day: depends on the weather.

    Jan 23, 2014 at 2:14 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   The Elf

    Why are the neighbors in quotes? Are they not actually neighbors? Is this sign directed at New Yorkers or something? Is that why they are apologizing to their real neighbors?

    Jan 23, 2014 at 3:14 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   1deprogrammed1

    OK, neighbor has been there for one month, but SOMEONE gave them a deadline for making their yard acceptable to said stranger.

    You can’t come over the welcome me to the neighborhood, but you can write letters to complain before I even finish unpacking?

    Team Banner-Hanger. Team Pelt-Hanger when s/he catches to original letter writer.

    Jan 23, 2014 at 4:45 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   buni

      I had to rent my house for a month before the sale finally closed. The sellers didn’t bother to mow the lawn so it was already getting long when I moved in. Then they had the nerve to tell their lawyer, to tell my lawyer, to tell me that mowing the lawn was now my responsibility.
      Jerks.

      Jan 24, 2014 at 7:32 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   The Elf

      I get your point, but going right to PAB deployment after only a month of being there and one letter bespeaks of batshit crazy. There’s no right side in this neighbor war.

      Jan 24, 2014 at 8:32 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   AssiveProgressive

    Usually my lawn looks very nice thanks to some money and effort on our part. But about two years ago, there were huge bald patches near the street and once summer was over I had to rip up that part of the lawn and reseed it. It’s back to looking nice. Well, on Google Earth there’s a picture of my lawn and it is from the ugly summer, so of course anybody googling us must think we’re the family from Malcolm in the Middle. sheesh

    Jan 23, 2014 at 11:30 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Jami

      You can get them to fix this by e-mailing them. I let them know about how our house had been remodeled and was now a two story. Within a week they had sent out a car to remap the neighborhood.

      Jan 24, 2014 at 7:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   assiveProgressive

      Really? Never thought of that. Thanks.

      Jan 25, 2014 at 11:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   FeatherBlade

      You…volunteered to have the Google-verment update their spy-satellite images of your home?

      But…but… you could have escaped their notice for so much longer~!

      Jan 26, 2014 at 8:04 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   Jami

      Eh, I like Google being able to spy on me.

      Jan 26, 2014 at 8:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.5   Poltergeist

      If it’s not the Russians who’re spying on you, then it’s Google.

      Jan 26, 2014 at 10:35 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.6   Justme

      I’m pretty sure the aliens are spying on everyone…now where did I put that foil hat?

      Jan 26, 2014 at 10:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.7   Poltergeist

      Now I want them to make a spinoff of Rocky and Bullwinkle, but now Boris and Natasha have been replaced by Bob and Natalie, two evil nerds who work for an unnamed corporation that specializes in internet services and world domination.

      Jan 26, 2014 at 10:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.8   Jami

      All I can say is I trust Google way more than the NSA.

      If that doesn’t put my boring life on their radar nothing will. LOL Who knows, though, maybe the NSA will find me such a snooze fest they’ll disband out of apathy.

      Jan 27, 2014 at 8:08 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Mith

    Team Banner-Hanger, definitely. Some people are crazy about the lawns, theirs or others’. I wish they’d all go to the PonyLand.

    Jan 24, 2014 at 7:20 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   The Elf

      Is “PonyLand” code for my front yard? I get it . I can always plant basil, herb, ivy, and pepper next to rosemary.

      Jan 24, 2014 at 10:52 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Snowflame

    Since they only moved in a month ago, I can’t help but wonder whether the banner is actually from their previous house. Perhaps this is a pre-emptive passive aggressive banner.

    Jan 24, 2014 at 4:32 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   H for Toy

      Which tells us who the problem neighbor is going to be. You brought a preemptive PAB with you?!

      Jan 25, 2014 at 11:43 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Jami

      Better a preemptive PAB then a preemptive PASBT.

      Jan 25, 2014 at 11:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   buni

      Maybe they should have started with a preemptive Pabst.

      Jan 27, 2014 at 9:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Jami

      Preemptive Guinness – if you’re going to drink beer, drink a good one, not one that tastes like it’s fresh from Wolverine’s bladder.

      Jan 27, 2014 at 10:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   The Elf

      I will raise a glass (of Sam Adams Cherry Wheat) to the genius of that notion.

      Jan 28, 2014 at 7:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Sakarako bang

    This makes me so glad the most passive aggressive my neighbors get are gnomes humping each other. Or are the gnomes getting down and dirty?

    Jan 25, 2014 at 2:01 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   AssiveProgressive

      Perhaps the banner is related to lawn ornaments. Are there numerous gnomes outside of the frame? Or is the lack of geese and flamingos making the neighbor squawk?

      Jan 26, 2014 at 6:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   H for Toy

    By now, Red would be petitioning for a new PAN :)

    Jan 27, 2014 at 1:39 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   heartstickers

    I know the sign was a bit much but I think that the neighbor who sent the anonymous letter is way more obnoxious. If there was a HOA then the proper channels would have been used. The homeowner/renter would have been contacted by a HOA rep. Isn’t telling someone how to care for their home kind of overstepping?

    Jan 28, 2014 at 1:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   me

    I had an anonymous ‘all your neighbors’ letter once. Only took a week to find out who. I left what they were bitching about alone. They decided to take care of it themselves. I was growing new grass and letting it grow out to get good roots. He took it upon himself to mow it to an 1/4th inch and leave the clippings on top. He was not happy when he threatened to call the cops and I said “sure lets go inside I will call them for you about your trespassing and destroying my yard”. About every 2 years now he just calls the city and they come out and do nothing. I always say ‘Oh he is mad because I made the rest of the yard nice except the part next to his that he killed with his mower too bad about the weeds there at least they are under the legal limit’. “well just keep it mowed” (they have to say something) “oh I do and tell him the next time he calls to mind his own business, again” “will do see you in a couple of years”

    Feb 26, 2014 at 5:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     

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