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Yours truly, Benz

March 24th, 2014 · 46 comments

Mercedes-Benz owners, as we’ve seen before, don’t often try to disprove their reputation for douchebaggery. But, as Jane in Ithaca reports, nothing stirs up self-righteousness quite like residential on-street parking!

I'm forced to park like an asshole when other assholes park like assholes. Welcome to on street parking. Yours truly, Benz

related: Your parking job brings one word to mind…

extra credit: BMW drivers really are jerks, studies find []

FILED UNDER: parking

46 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Timimus

    Forced? Not quite. A willing choice, I suspect.

    Mar 24, 2014 at 4:22 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   FeRD bang

      I’m guessing this was in response to a windshield-note the Benz driver found, complaining about his/her “asshole” parking job. Which, if it took the form of “ZOMG YOU BAD PARK!!!! Y U TAKE TWO SPACES!!!!!!111!!!!!!ONE!!!!” or whatever, could definitely have been the result of previous assholes screwing up the placement, and then driving off and leaving the Benz looking like it’d been parked without giving a shit.

      I used to see it all the time in Boston, which was why I have little patience for people who bitch about what they assume others have done wrong. People may tell themselves it’s “obvious” what transgression someone had committed based on the aftermath, but there’s a reason it’s so hard to convict on purely circumstantial evidence: making inferences doesn’t mean you know what happened, however much you think you do.

      …Then again, nobody ever wins points for leaving a giant, utility-pole-mounted cardboard response, either.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 5:38 am   rating: 58  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   The Elf

      While I agree that sometimes you truly have no choice but to park like an ass because the parking situation created a problem, I think more often than not people just can’t (or won’t) park properly.

      Since I live in suburbia (when I go into the city I take public transportation precisely to avoid this issue), I’ve noticed that it’s pretty rare when there truly is NO place to park but that weird spot left by somebody else parking like a douche. Most of the time, you can just park farther out normally. So if you choose to take the weird spot, you’re creating the same situation for the next person trying to park. It’s like a domino effect, but with assholes parking poorly.

      What I’m trying to say is that if I think you’re an asshole because of the way you park, I’m probably going to be right more often than wrong.

      That’s one thing I love about riding a motorcycle. Asshole driving an Excursion took a “compact car only” space, leaving only 2/3 of a space for someone else? No problem! It’s on-street parallel parking and douche canoe hasn’t figured it out yet, taking a spot and a half? No problem! Back tire to the curb, we can fit two bikes in there. Asshole Benz driver thinks his car needs two spaces to avoid door dings? Man, I can park in one of his two spaces just perfectly to prevent that driver door from being opened fully. When your door meets my tire, your door is going to lose. Better suck in that gut and shimmy in!

      Mar 24, 2014 at 11:34 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   buni

      Motorcycle owners can park like douches too. I was in a city where the curb cuts permitted two vehicles to parallel park and there were two parking meters. I was parked in the rear space and there should have been enough space behind me for me to back up to pull out around the car parked in front. However, when I returned to my car, I found a motorcycle parked behind me, in that little not-space. Fortunately, while I was sitting there wondering what to do, the car in front pulled out so I didn’t have to back up and knock the bike over.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 12:06 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   The Elf

      Parking in the little not-spaces is sometimes perfectly legal for motorcyclists. Parking on the sidewalk is sometimes okay. Depends on your jurisdiction.

      In any case, I agree -having a bike does not exempt you from parking with consideration. It just makes you doubly douche-y if you do since you likely have that many more options for parking.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 12:33 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Jitty

      Ithaca has even-odd parking rules during the winter months to facilitate snow removal. It can be truly difficult to find a decent place to park–especially if one’s sense of entitlement makes one unwilling to walk half a block between house and car ;)

      Mar 24, 2014 at 5:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   poopypants

      Sometimes it’s not just entitlement. In my college city I lived a few blocks from campus, which is also miles from the football stadium. Even though it was miles from the stadium, people would still cover my block and any blocks nearby for any football or track/field event. It was obnoxious. I had my driveway blocked, and sometimes the closest spot was a mile or more away.

      I’ll take that douchey half-spot at that point. Maybe I am entitled, but if people can’t park at or near their homes that’s obnoxious.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 7:53 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #2   pedro

    I like the cardboard response! More people need to understand a commonsense fact that they don’t seem to think of before they leave said note on persons windshield.. that sometimes people are forced to park like assholes.

    Mar 24, 2014 at 8:51 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   pedro

      *common sense, it’s common sense of course;)

      Mar 24, 2014 at 8:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #3   Tesselara

    I think anyone who uses the word “asshole” in a public forum IS an asshole.

    Mar 24, 2014 at 8:59 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Tesselara

      Oh, won’t ANYONE think of the children?!?!!???

      Mar 24, 2014 at 9:00 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   pedro

      ah, I forgot about the children!

      Mar 24, 2014 at 9:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   The Beast Among Us

      Children? Where? I’m starving!

      Mar 24, 2014 at 12:19 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Tesselara

      Nice try, gingerbread house witch.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 12:59 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   Lita bang

      I thought of the children once. It made me run screaming.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 3:55 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #3.6   kermit

      Well that’s what happens when you violate a court order, Lita.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 8:49 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #3.7   Lita bang

      Kermit! Shhhhhh. I’m not supposed to let people know that.

      Mar 25, 2014 at 11:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.8   FeRD bang

      And you hadn’t, until you replied and confirmed it! (*DUN-DUN-DAAAAA!*)

      Until then, it was just something kermit said, and we don’t pay much attention to that. kermit says a lot of shit. ;-)

      Mar 27, 2014 at 4:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #3.9   Lita bang

      Gasp! What have I done! Now I have to add another hour of self-flagellation to my penance. Shame on me and my nonfunctional brain to mouth filter! ;)

      Better than stirring a lot of shit I suppose. Although he does that too, as we all do.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 4:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #3.10   kermit

      *face palm*

      Geez, wasn’t public self-flagellation the reason for the court order in the first place.

      Honestly, sometimes I don’t know what to do with you people.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 7:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #3.11   Lita bang

      Well you know what they say…sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 8:14 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #4   warns

    I choose to justify parking like an asshole when other people are parked in ways that I don’t like – “I let the kind of car i drive define me”

    Mar 24, 2014 at 12:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #5   BeatusMongous

    Sometimes, I drive a company vehicle that is rather large. I’m not the only one who drives it, but I seem to be the only one who can park it properly. A few times, I’ve gone down to the vehicle to load it up so I can take it to a project, and some other person decided to either leave a note about my parking job, or confront me face to face about how terribly I drive. For the note writers, I simply throw them away. But for the face to face people, I have to explain to them that I’m not the only driver of the vehicle, and that they should go into my company and confront the person who last used it. They never do, of course.

    It’s rather embarrassing, though, when I’m the one that people assume parked poorly because of my coworkers’ crappy parking jobs.

    Mar 24, 2014 at 12:27 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   K

      You should collect the notes and give them to the person who parked last. Do you have a confetti cannon you could use to shoot it at them?

      Mar 25, 2014 at 12:20 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   TKD

      Or take pictures and submit them. Perhaps we could have a “Retrospective on Notes Beatus got for Other Peoples Bad Park You Jobs”.

      Mar 25, 2014 at 7:09 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Jami

      Have a bulletin board at work? Post them for all to see then take a picture of that and the reactions for us!

      Mar 25, 2014 at 9:38 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   Beatus Mongous

      Sounds like a plan. I think I will.

      Mar 25, 2014 at 11:49 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #6   Dan

    I carry a valve stem tool for asshole parkers. Have fun with your 4 flat tires.

    Mar 24, 2014 at 12:43 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Beast Among Us

      So, now they get to be an asshole parker for a much longer time, and you get to be charged with vandalism.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 1:01 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Tesselara

      Wouldn’t that make it harder for them to un-”bad park you”? I think, when you do that, what you’re actually doing is creating a permanent monument to asshole parkers. Instead of a vehicle that can get the parking out of the asshole, you’ve got a statue commemorating the event, so to speak.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 1:02 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   underwatervulcan

      I also leave a note, but I write it with my key.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 2:11 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   Raichu

      Now you’re both assholes! Yay!

      Mar 26, 2014 at 10:16 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #7   SparkyRell

    I was so glad when I got a smaller SUV, it was nearly impossible for me to get a park in my old 4WD. Especially since people liked to put at least a metre of space in between their cars and the one beside them and the fact that the car had the turning circle of a small moon. Although when I was first to park somewhere everyone seemed to avoid my car, probably because it looked like a reject from Mad Max

    Mar 24, 2014 at 4:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   RonS

      That’s no moon…it’s a space station.

      Mar 31, 2014 at 9:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #8   pooham

    I am a terrible parker, but I take the time to make sure I get it right. (reverse, forward, reverse, forward…still in the same angle….reverse, forward, etc.)

    One time it took me about 14 times doing that to back out of a spot. Embarrassing.

    Mar 24, 2014 at 5:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #9   assiveProgressive

    I hate it when public transit trains park on escalators.

    Mar 24, 2014 at 7:14 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   The Elf

      Yes! They should at least show enough consideration to park on the right.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 8:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   TKD

      Why use the escalator when there is a perfectly good canoe?

      Mar 25, 2014 at 7:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   assiveProgressive

      A douche canoe? What is a douche canoe anyway? Is that when your canoe is half full of Summer’s Eve and you’re up Shit Creek?

      Mar 25, 2014 at 11:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   Lita bang

      It’s a step up from a douchebag, but not quite as awesome as a douchewaffle.

      Mar 25, 2014 at 11:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   TKD

      The douchewaffle? I was not aware that there were further heights of awesomeness to which the douchecanoe could aspire. I’m so glad. Everyone should have a goal in life.

      PS – Like watching a train wreck, I now feel compelled to see an example of an actual douchewaffle. Can anyone help?

      Mar 25, 2014 at 1:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.6   assiveProgressive

      There are laws against my showing you a douchewaffle

      Mar 26, 2014 at 5:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.7   Lita bang

      Especially when thinking of the children.

      Mar 26, 2014 at 7:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.8   The Beast Among Us

      Apparently, a douchewaffle lives in #105.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 5:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.9   Kelly

      I miss Chicago… A place where I never, every drive, much less park. When even the reasons can’t park properly, there isn’t a chance for the cars!

      Mar 27, 2014 at 5:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #10   Kelly

    Trains, not reasons – I’m fairly certain I cannot type properly on my new phone. And the edit function would be wonderful if it worked!

    Mar 27, 2014 at 5:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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