You may work here, but you’re not my mother.

April 14th, 2014 · 106 comments

Pam works at an accounting firm in St. Louis, where, around tax time, it’s not unusual for people to pack all three meals. How did you think Joan’s vigilante food-safety policing went over?

Missing: Three All Beef Hot Dogs

related: A bitter butter battle

FILED UNDER: food · non-apology apology · office · St. Louis

106 responses so far ↓

  • #1   meri

    I’m with Joan. Although, I’d have left a note with way too many details about my having thrown them away. It would have sounded more aggressive than passive… and then everyone in the office would hate me.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 2:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   underwatervulcan

      Are you with Joan because you calculate wiener wrinkles to the hour?

      Apr 14, 2014 at 2:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   The Beast Among Us

      No, he’s with Joan because she’s filthy stinkin’ rich and she buys him stuff, even though the sex is absolutely uneventful.

      Apr 14, 2014 at 3:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   kermit

      I thought they were with Joan because she is a redhead with an impressive rack that probably renders her centre of gravity askew.

      Oh, wait this is a different Joan, isn’t it?

      Apr 14, 2014 at 8:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   The Beast Among Us

      Totally different Joan.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   The Elf

      So, not Joan D’Twin Arcs?

      Apr 15, 2014 at 6:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   Red Delicious

    Seriously? Don’t take it upon yourself to “save” someone from something. It’s not your freaking business, especially if you’re not the boss in this situation. If you owned the firm, and therefore the kitchen, maybe it would be your business. But since it’s not, just walk the hell away. Shouldn’t have even looked in the bag in the first place, you nosy bitch.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 2:28 pm   rating: 91  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   RonS

      Depends on whether odor was wafting from said Dierberg’s bag. If so, anyone working in that office who comes upon such a bag has an obligation to pitch it. Regardless, the note us way too long.

      Apr 14, 2014 at 8:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   TRT

      Staple a risk assessment to the bag.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 3:29 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   The Elf

      Totally with you, Red Delicious. Unless it is an obvious health hazard, don’t take it upon yourself to “correct” somebody else’s mistake. Just leave it there or put it in the fridge.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 7:17 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Raichu

      Agreed, RonS, but I think it’s clear in this case there was no odor, since she looked inside the bag out of sheer curiosity not knowing anything was there.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 11:30 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   Tesselara

      I would have just left the bag there. Depending on whether they forgot that they didn’t put it in (of which this incorrigible flake is guilty), putting it in the fridge basically ensures that the person would eat the suspicious meat. Leaving it out is a direct clue to the person that the hot dogs are no longer a happy thing.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   Dr_Know


      I totally would have thrown it away too. Surely Joan would have been able to feel if the bag was cold/sausages cold. If they’re not cold anymore their a health hazard and I for one would appreciate avoiding food poisioning.

      Apr 24, 2014 at 9:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.7   assiveProgressive

      Joan would be in even more trouble if she had been caught stroking the wieners to determine their temperature.

      Apr 24, 2014 at 10:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   underwatervulcan

    Joan – She looked at someone else’s sack and decided that the early morning triple cock block was the way to go. Sounds like menopause continues to make bitches into dumb bitches. File that charitable contribution under form DZ 2.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 2:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Raichu

      oh, go away. Joan was being an asshole; sexist remarks aren’t relevant or necessary.

      Apr 14, 2014 at 5:52 pm   rating: 91  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Tesselara

      Raichu: Word. Up.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:26 pm   rating: 91  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   underwatervulcan

      No – Joan was expressing her actions with sacks of slimy wrinkled wieners as a sexist contrived hero, hence the tits for tat. Intersting (sic) you find sexism irrelevant in an obviously sexist note. Take away Joan’s signature and you are left with a note that reaches the entitlement of her actions through a stereotype that isn’t male. If she didn’t spell interesting as intersting or do wiener calculations she wouldn’t be called dumb. As for calling her an asshole I went with bitch. An asshole clearly wouldn’t of written a note and then posted it – they would of just thrown the food away on purpose and laughed.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 5:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Mags

      would HAVE, would HAVE
      NOT “would of”

      Apr 16, 2014 at 4:25 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   Tesselara

      You go, Mags! School that sexist!

      Apr 16, 2014 at 7:00 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.6   underwatervulcan

      Shoulda, coulda, woulda …
      paid attention in grammar class, but back then I was so focused on my Tom Leykis charm school long distance courses…
      Color me retarded. ;)

      Apr 16, 2014 at 8:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.7   The Beast Among Us

      ^ It appears we have no need to.

      Apr 18, 2014 at 1:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.8   Raichu

      No, this note isn’t sexist. Holy shit, you are reaching. Go away.

      Apr 23, 2014 at 10:44 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.9   Mermaid Princess

      Underwatervulcan – You call Joan dumb for spelling “interesting” as “intersting” (an obvious typo), but it’s alright for you to say “would of”? Riiiight.

      May 12, 2014 at 2:06 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   KitsuneBi

    Thanks for saving my life, mom! Starvation is AWESOME!!

    Apr 14, 2014 at 2:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Dr_Know

      If you’re an accountant you should be able to budget to buy lunch once in a while.

      Apr 24, 2014 at 9:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   The Elf

      This is an accountant during tax time. I have a feeling the problem isn’t money, it’s time.

      Apr 25, 2014 at 7:05 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   Maria

    Yeah, that’s ridiculous. What kind of person throws away someone else’s food because it’s been in the fridge for 8 hours?

    I also don’t get why someone would steal food…

    Apr 14, 2014 at 3:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   sharon

      homie it was left out on the counter, not in the fridge

      Apr 14, 2014 at 3:09 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   The Beast Among Us

      It wasn’t in the fridge, but on the counter, between the Nutella and the peanut butter (both of which should be in the cupboard anyway).

      We used to have an employee in my office with severe food allergies. He brought his own food every day, because he couldn’t eat anything the rest of us could eat. About once a week, someone would steal his food and eat it, and they would either leave the empty food container in the sink, or they would eat part of the food and leave the rest in the fridge with their fork in it. The dude would get so mad, because he couldn’t just run out to the nearest food joint and get something. He had to go all the way home and prepare some food (which took quite a bit of time), or starve (which was usually the case since we only get 30 minutes for lunch). And since his was the type of job that had him out of the office the majority of the time, he was never able to find the culprit before he left. The worst was when he tried to email his managers about it, he was reprimanded for not protecting his food better and for worrying about such petty things.

      I solved my food theft problem. I added ExLax to some brownies, I labeled expired food as my lunch, and I love extremely spicy foods. Each time, someone different was affected, but word got around quickly, and people now leave my food alone.

      Apr 14, 2014 at 3:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   kermit

      Maybe I’m overlooking something here, but why didn’t the guy just take his food with him in a mini cooler? If you’re on a stake out or doing other cop/detective stuff out in the field, don’t you need to take food with you anyway?

      Apr 14, 2014 at 8:17 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   RonS

      Why should he have to do that? It was an office refrigerator. The thief should have brought his or her own fucking food. “Office food thief” = Asshat. Writing as a parent of a food allergic child, I can tell you that people with food allergies have enough to worry about; they shouldn’t have to keep the food they prepare and bring to work under lock and key.

      Apr 14, 2014 at 8:51 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   kermit

      If he’s gone for most of the day, wouldn’t it be easier to have the food with him in the car rather than drive back to the office just to eat?

      Apr 14, 2014 at 9:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.6   The Elf

      Food theft always sucks, but the easist solution is to just use your own insulated bag. They’re pretty cheap, widely available, and even come in big sizes if you’re bringing in all three meals.

      As for taking your food with you in the car, that’s also a solution. However, I can see the appeal of going back to the station to eat. It would be a safe place to eat, for one thing. A police officer in uniform always has to watch his back.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 7:29 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.7   Tesselara


      I <3 that you Karma'd the heck out of those thieves. I REALLY hope that you were also able to ID the culprits from their reactions to the thefts.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.8   pooham

      Yes Beast, please tell us how the story ends.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.9   The Beast Among Us

      Not all cops that work outside the office are regular field officers. Some do public relations, investigations, or even under cover agents, and therefore wear plain clothes and don’t have mini refrigerators in their cars. Some, like the guy mentioned above, didn’t use a car, because he was a bike cop.

      The story of my food traps ended with me being surprised at the person who frequented the toilet for a day, and not surprised at the one who called in sick for a day. The one with the spicy food, well, that person apologized straight up, because I went into the break area as he was trying to get the burning to stop, and I proceeded to eat the spicy stuff in front of him and just said, “Bit of a kick, huh? Love this stuff.” I gave him some milk and told him not to eat my food again if he doesn’t want any more surprises.

      Since those incidents, no one has touched any of my food. Although food theft in my workplace is much more rare nowadays than it used to be, it does still happen every now and then.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.10   Tesselara

      First, <3

      And second– here's what I'm wondering after reading your response… so were there only three people who steal food in your office, and you nabbed all three? (unlikely) OR, (and this is most likely and also truly horrifying), is there an office network of food stealing sociopaths who share information among their shitty little selves about whose meals are good to steal, and whose aren't?

      Apr 15, 2014 at 2:32 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.11   kermit

      We may never know if the detective squad is complicit in this caper.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 2:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.12   pooham

      I was surprised that there were at least 3 food thieves in Beast’s office. I didn’t realize that many people would take somebody else’s food.

      At my work the problem is more of food being forgotten in the fridge and goind bad.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 2:48 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.13   Lil'

      We have break room and bathroom thieves here. A particular employee keeps helping herself to things like salad dressing from my lunch bag and feminine hygiene products from my make-up bag in the bathroom storage cabinet (but she doesn’t have the decency to throw away the empty containers for either). She claims to think the company buys them even though she’s been told otherwise. Why would the company store its salad dressing in a lunch bag? And what company buys it in the first place? Seriously, there’s an empty bottle of salad dressing sticking out of my lunch bag right now. She actually told another employee that I really need to restock the ladies room because she used the last of what was there. I guess she left the empty box as a reminder to me. Thoughtful. Thankfully, she should be menopausal soon, so at least that will save me a few bucks every month.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 3:33 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.14   The Beast Among Us

      There are more than three, unfortunately. I’m just glad they keep their grubby hands off my food now.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 8:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.15   kermit

      It figures that the police department would hire crooks. It’s too tempting not to.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 8:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.16   assiveProgressive

      Lil, you could take a tip from Beast and put hot sauce in your salad dressing and in your tampons. There. I said it. I am a sicko.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 1:49 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.17   Tesselara

      No, that would totally work. Excellent idea!

      Apr 16, 2014 at 6:50 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.18   Tesselara

      Also, since it is clear that you’ve talked to her, and that didn’t work, try putting a note on the dressing like, “Hey there (name), this is Lil’s dressing. I have asked you to stop using it. You clearly have forgotten. I hope this will help you remember.”

      Apr 16, 2014 at 6:52 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.19   Lil'

      Excellent ideas! I’m taking action. I hope
      “Auntie Rose” doesn’t show up in the middle of her work day. She will be out of luck. I’m going to leave all my lady supplies in my desk drawer and put a note and a coupon in the empty box in the cabinet. I’ll know she got it when she doesn’t speak to me for a few days – that’s what she does when she’s angry. I always just keep acting normal until she gets over it.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 7:29 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.20   Tesselara

      I’m thinking that having her not speaking to you is not really the punishment that she thinks it is.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 10:25 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.21   Tesselara

      Also, please provide us with an update after the deed has been done!

      Apr 16, 2014 at 10:27 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.22   Lil'

      Truer words were never spoken, Tesselara.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 2:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.23   kermit

      Erm, why can’t you just replace the tampons box with something that looks like a diaphragm or a piece of scrap garden hose you can probably get at a home supply store for free?

      If she says anything, you can claim that the thing is a Diva Cup (or Moon Cup or whatever they’re called) because you’re using only environmentally friendly products now that you’re a dirty hippie. (Also a convenient cover for showing up to work in baby spit – covered clothes – assuming you didn’t return them for a refund at the hospital).

      Apr 16, 2014 at 9:06 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.24   The Beast Among Us

      Spicy tampons. That’s hot!

      Apr 18, 2014 at 1:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   uncreative

    I don’t want random coworkers deciding which of my food is safe for me to eat. Treat your co-workers with respect and as co-workers. They aren’t your kids, even if you are a mother. Even if they are your kids and you work with them, if they are adults now, they get to decide for themselves what to eat.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 3:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Elf

      Some people have very narrow definitions of what food is still good, and some people have far more sensitive digestions too. It’s a hot dog! For someone who was going to have a hot dog for every meal that day! Clearly that person has a cast iron stomach. Hot dogs are typically packed with enough preservatives to last 8 hours on the countertop. Not 8 hours in the blazing sun, but I’m assuming the kitchen is in a climate controlled building. It’s not optimal, but it’s not going to be terrible either. I bet Joan is the same person who freaks out when milk is left outside the fridge for more than a minute.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 7:19 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   pooham

      My daughter just told me a story about food spoiling that happened last weekend when she and a friend met in L.A. Her friend bought some pastries early in the day. They were cheese danish and some sort of meat-filled pastries. The pastries sat in the car all day. Then her friend ate them that night. Yep, she was quite sick. My daughter had eaten only a little of one and was OK.

      I might’ve said something, but my daughter would have just argued with me. She’s at the age where if I say anything to comment, suggest or advise she gets mad. So I mostly just listen.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   FeRD bang

      @uncreative: Whoa, there, let’s dial that back a little. It’s not like Joan is claiming any rights as the Arbiter of Food Safety, she simply made a poor call in overreacting to what she saw as destroyed food.

      For instance: Imagine that some klutz, while pawing through the fridge, accidentally knocked your hot dog bag off the shelf. In a supreme feat of Murphy’s Physics, the bag split open as it hit the floor, and the dogs, buns, and other contents spread motorcycle-wipeout-style over 8′ of breakroom floor. If Joan was nice enough to clean up that mess and toss the lot, you wouldn’t be arguing, “You shouldn’t have thrown those out, I get to decide what I can and can’t eat!” (Well, OK, you might, but you’d be wrong. There are situations where one’s sovereign authority regarding food stored in communal locations falls short of absolute.)

      Joan’s mistake was treating the counter-dogs situation as equivalent to what I just described. It was one of degrees, not any great presumption about her right to make decisions for hotdog-owner.

      …Plus she probably should’ve left a (much shorter) note on the counter, at the time.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 12:54 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   uncreative

      Sure, there are situations. This clearly wasn’t one, though. And she acted smug about harming someone else. I will not dial it back. I have an extremely problematic food allergy and health issues that can flare up if I do not eat regularly. She doesn’t know the medical details of her co-workers. Destroying someone else’s meal can be equivalent to making them sick for a few days. When ignorant people do things “for other people’s own good” they cause massive harm. And they need to learn better for everyone’s safety. If you think the food is dangerous, leave a note for the person whose food it is and let them decide. They know their medical situation and you do not. They also know the details of the food they’ve brought better than you do. And making somebody have no food for an entire day is an extremely horrible thing to do to someone. Or they have to go home, which could ruin their workday. This is just outright sabotaging coworkers.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 6:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.5   L

      …possibly this is a little hippie moment of me, but I buy hot dogs with no artificial preservatives and I would SO not eat them after that. Literally the only preserving ingedient is, like, celery salt or something like that. *queasy*

      Apr 22, 2014 at 5:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.6   Dr_Know

      Uncreative – if your stomach is so sensitive I’d hate to see what would happen to you if you ate meat that had been sitting out for hours.

      Apr 24, 2014 at 9:26 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   Havingfitz

    Joan was just too embarrassed to say what she really did with the hotdogs and why they were all slimy. Trust me, food theft victim. She really did do you a favor here.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 3:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   pooham

    If Joan was cleaning the kitchen and came across that and threw it out it would be OK. But she was just being mommy to someone who doesn’t need Mommy Joan so may I suggest another PAN directed at Joan, minus the passive?

    Apr 14, 2014 at 3:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Kris

    I’m sorry, Joan, but
    (1) Packaged hot dogs ALWAYS look slimy – the only way to un-slime them is to slap them on the grill and char them, and
    (2) Does Mommy Joan have any idea how many preservatives are in those things? They’d be safe sitting on the counter all week.

    Here’s some MOM advice – if doesn’t belong to you, keep your grubby mitts off of it.


    Apr 14, 2014 at 3:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   Laura

    The mom in me only pulls rank with my kids and/or at home. My co-workers are on their own when it comes to food and the breakroom. I have only two children I don’t want any more.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 3:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   Lab dude

    I think I would have put the bag in the fridge, with a note on it: “I found these on the counter at 6:30 this morning – no idea how long they were sitting out but they looked pretty skanky. Its your food, dude – you get to make the call…”
    If I found these at my mom’s house – well, they’d have disappeared pretty quickly, and if she ever missed them, I’d have explained. She was never real good at keeping food fresh to begin with, and she’s 80 now, so she sometimes does need a mom for things like this. But at work – like I said, not my call.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 3:48 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   Dan


    You hot dog thieving sow. I’m going to HR. Keep your grubby paws off my eats.


    P.S. I pooped in your file drawer.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 3:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   Lita bang

    *glares at her browser for sending her to the wrong post previously*

    And yet, the hot dogs still contain more assholes than Joan does.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 5:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Raichu

    Mind your own beeswax, Joan. It’s not your responsibility to save people from themselves. The “mom in you” needs to stop “pulling rank” on people who aren’t your kids.

    The only way this would be ok is if the hotdogs were so rancid they were stinking up the room – but clearly they weren’t, since she had to look in someone’s bag (which she shouldn’t have done) to know they were there.

    Team note-writer.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 6:16 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   CdnGingerGirl

    I also like the whole subtle corporate hero thing Joan has going on: “I saved the company aggravation and money by preventing one of its very valuable employees from missing work and thereby increasing everyone else’s workloads!”

    Honestly. Team Note Writer!

    Apr 14, 2014 at 6:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   The Elf

      If Joan patted herself on the back any harder in this note, she’d throw her back out and have to take a sick day.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 7:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   assiveProgressive

      She was hoping to put this accomplishment on her resume.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 1:54 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.3   The Elf

      I’m sure it’ll be itemized on the bill sent to the client.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 7:08 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   yeahman

    She should have put the peanut butter and Nutella in the fridge too. They are accountants, not microbiologists so I suppose they are not aware of aflotoxins and the possibility of liver cancer. And Joan, an accountant (I presume) comes into the kitchen at 6:30 am and calculates that the weenies have been out of the fridge for 8 hours? Hmm… So someone took them out at 2 am? Is this a 24 hour accounting firm? Please tell us where this place is so we do not let them do our taxes.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 7:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Betty F

      6:30 AM minus 8 hours is 10:30 PM, not 2AM. Neither PB nor Nutella need to be refrigerated.

      Apr 14, 2014 at 9:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   Jami

      Peanut butter can stay out unless it’s that kind you have to stir every time you eat it.

      Nuttella belongs in the trash. That stuff is DISGUSTING! I hate hazelnuts.

      Skippy has a peanut butter mixes with dark chocolate that’s yummy and 30% less sugar than Nuttella.

      I have no comments on the hot dogs except that people really should only buy kosher ones. They’re not made with scraps and politicians – I mean assholes.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.3   kermit

      Kosher hot dogs are about as kosher as kosher bacon.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 10:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.4   Raichu

      Hot dogs are gross anyway. I stopped eating them a long time ago. (at least a couple years before giving up red meat in general.)

      Nutella is awesome, if you don’t want any, I’ll have your share! It definitely doesn’t need to be refrigerated, though, I agree. And natural peanut butter only needs to be refrigerated to keep it from separating – it won’t spoil.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 11:34 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.5   Lil'

      Use a thin layer of Nutella as frosting on yellow cupcakes. It’s gotta be a moist cupcake though, but OMG! I think I’m gonna have to make those tomorrow…

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.6   kermit

      And which I am going to eat in sacrifice to save you from yourself. It’s for your own good, really.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.7   The Elf

      I can’t let you make that sacrifice twice, Kermit. You already saved us all from the terror of the muffin. Please, let me take the cupcake-with-nutella-shaped-bullet.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.8   Lil'

      kermit, you’re a saint.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 12:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.9   Lil'

      As though she sensed my hazelnut craving…A lady just stopped by our office to drop off a giant box of Italian hazelnut chocolate. I think they have just set me back on my post-pregnancy weight loss goal. Good thing my jerk coworker is out today. He’d have a heart attack watching me devour all this goodness. Oh well, the Nutella cupcakes must wait another week…maybe another month. Where the hell were you, kermit??!!

      Apr 15, 2014 at 2:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.10   kermit

      Erm, I dunno, stuck in the internet tubes, procrastinating my work and so forth…

      Apr 15, 2014 at 8:37 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.11   Mags

      If I walked into work early in the morning and found someone’s lunch on the counter, my first thought would be that it had been brought that morning, not that it had been brought at the end of the previous work day.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 4:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   yeahman

    Oops…my bad on the math. Still, 1030 pm? And actually improperly stored peanut butter can become contaminated by a type of mold that produces alfotoxins, which can cause liver cancer in humans. Nutella as well.

    Apr 14, 2014 at 9:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   yeahman


    Apr 14, 2014 at 10:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   The Elf

    Anyone else profoundly disturbed by the hotdog drawing with the “help me” note?

    Apr 15, 2014 at 7:30 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Lita bang

      Yes. Yes I am.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 5:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   The Beast Among Us

      It’s a Wienerschnitzel advertisement.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 8:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   Lita bang

      Apt, seeing as Joan schnitzeled those weiners!

      (okay, that’s reaching, I’m sorry)

      Apr 15, 2014 at 8:46 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #19.4   assiveProgressive

      The hot dog note was cute and quite creative, possibly very time consuming (shouldn’t that person be working on taxes?). Nice, detailed description of the missing items. Sad lunch, though! Mama Joan should buy you a cookbook.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 2:06 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #20   Lil'

    I can’t stand office people like Joan…self-appointed resident experts on all things. Her only two choices were not to throw it away or put it in the fridge and act surprised when he gets sick. She also had to option of leaving it alone. Maybe her “calculations” were wrong. Maybe he was just getting in too and dropped the bag on the counter for a few minutes while he jetted to the restroom. Either way, whether it’s old or not, leave it alone. If it’s in the way, move the bag, but don’t decide for someone else that their lunch is no good. “Inquisitive” and “nosy” are not interchangeable.

    Apr 15, 2014 at 8:18 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   kermit

      But you don’t understand that I really did you a favor. I didn’t steal your muffin. I just ate it for you so that you wouldn’t get fatter!

      Apr 15, 2014 at 10:42 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   Lil'

      It’s my own fault really, kermit. That’s what I get for leaving my “suspicious” looking lunch bag on the counter. The “stomach bomb squad” had to take action.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 11:03 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   The Beast Among Us

      We have a bowl of something that has been in our fridge since last October. The office food thieves didn’t eat this for some reason, and now it’s looking rather scary. No one will touch it, not even to toss it.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 8:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.4   FeRD bang

      See, that becomes the other side of this issue, and why I have some tiny amount of sympathy for Joan’s position. (She was wrong, no question — I just don’t think she was as absolutely and egregiously wrong as some of the “NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING THAT’S NOT YOURS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES YOU PRESUMPTUOUS BITCH!!!!ONE!!!!!!!ELEVENTY!!!!!!!e.coli!!!!!11″ crowd.)

      You operate on a policy of absolute sovereignty like that, and inevitably the Rightful Owners™ of certain fridge items somehow lose track of their charges. Then a collection builds up of items that exist in ownership limbo, nobody able to deal with them because everyone views it as “somebody else’s stuff”.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 1:09 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.5   kermit

      True, but that’s why most(?) places have a Friday throw-out rule. In other words, if you haven’t bothered to label your food items with a name and date by the end of the week, it gets thrown out.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 6:23 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.6   uncreative

      Ferd, I agree there are times when it is okay to dump food. But this case was a clear-cut don’t, which is why I can’t side with Joan. If the food is more than a week old, then you’re getting into reasonably dumping it territory, with some variance for what it is and whether it has any labels saying anything about it. But Joan thought this food was less than a day old. If it’s less than a day old and doesn’t have live animals currently eating it and it isn’t smooshed on the floor or some other extreme, then leave it be. This was clearly potentially desired food that hadn’t necessarily undergone any sort of horrible food catastrophe. Give people a few days to eat their food. And, ideally, have an office policy for discarding old food.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 6:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #21   Kwyjor

    “all kinda slimy and limp looking”

    That just means they’re at the peak of flavor.

    (But not really.)

    Apr 15, 2014 at 10:55 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #22   the cat

    I’m with all the haters of self appointed break room police. We had one once in our office who decided to save us all from ourselves one evening and tossed everything in the fridge because she believed that if it was within a week of expiration date it was bad. I yelled at her for tossing the dressing I had been planning to use on the salad I brought that day but not nearly as loud as the CEO who had no lunch at all because she tossed all his yoghurts and apple juice boxes. She had no idea why we were all mad. she left about a month later under pressure from still irate CEO. We have no fridge police since. As office manager I could be, but I think we are all grown ups here and can decide when our food needs to be tossed and I refuse to interfere to any greater extent than asking once a year with lots of warning for everyone to clear their stuff out so I can wash the fridge down.

    Apr 15, 2014 at 3:30 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #23   mutzali

    My company has only about 20 employees. Most of our production force is Vietnamese. When the refrigerator got really smelly, the boss asked everyone to clean out their old stuff (like bags of vegetables gone liquid and/or fuzzy) and mentioned “all the unrecognizable stuff”. The next morning, most of the dissolving crap was still there, but all the American condiments (mustard, mayonnaise, catsup, horseradish) had been thrown out because “we didn’t know what that was”.

    Apr 15, 2014 at 4:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   pooham

      I love that mutzali.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 3:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #24   1deprogrammed1

    As a general rule, bags don’t magically appear in the office, so it wasn’t lost. There was no need to peek inside unless you were trying to decide if you wanted what was there. Nice try lady, but no hot dog. Next time the owner should plant a dye pack that only he can disarm.

    Apr 15, 2014 at 5:35 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #25   So

    I’d be inclined to leave a bag on the side with a raw cow heart or something like that on the side for Joan to find.
    Don’t go looking in people’s bags, bitch.

    Apr 16, 2014 at 5:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #26   Scooter

    You know what else is stealing? When you use an artists work without credit. That hotdog drawing is by a great artist named Scott Johnson.

    Apr 16, 2014 at 6:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   FeRD bang

      In fairness, an office sign isn’t exactly publication, and the original notewriter never intended for the note to be seen by anyone other than their co-workers. Few people would go through the trouble of licensing images used in a sign they post in the office, even if technically it’s “not permitted”. (And fewer artists would really give two shits.)

      The attribution is certainly appreciated, however, as I was wondering myself where such an apropos photo came from. Thanks!

      Also, couple things:
      (a) Not stealing. Copyright violation. Nothing was taken from Scott Johnson. (This is a point of some contention, granted, so let’s not contend it here. I’m simply noting that I’ll agree to disagree on the “stealing” issue.)

      (b) Merely giving credit does not actually give you ANY RIGHTS to use someone else’s work. It’s polite to do so, absolutely, but if you want to be technical about it you need to get Mr. Johnson’s permission, not simply credit him. Credit changes nothing. (Nor does the disclaimer every YouTube idiot posts that notes that they “don’t claim any rights/ownership/etc” to the video they’re uploading. If you don’t own the rights to the video, simply uploading it is technically in violation of the actual owner’s copyright!)

      (c) All of this assumes that the image hasn’t been released under a specific license which does permit free use as long as credit is given, like any of the Creative Commons “Attribution” licenses. (Except CC-BY-ND*, which would also prohibit derivative/”remixed” versions such as the one above.)

      Apr 16, 2014 at 3:38 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #27   assiveProgressive

    It figures someone named Johnson would do a great rendering of a wiener

    Apr 16, 2014 at 4:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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