Michael in Las Vegas went to pick up his mail today and spotted this cocky little note:
related: Your ultra charmin’ neighbor
FILED UNDER: Las Vegas · neighbors · stealing
Clearly the thief was Donald Sterling, because he’s not getting support from anywhere ELSE.
May 5, 2014 at 9:26 pm rating: 18
No, Stiviano certainly sounded like she was supporting him. I didn’t watch the whole Babs interview, but she did sound stoned and out of it.
To be fair to Sterling, if she’s like that all the time (not stoned) then he’s right that she’s crazy. And he’s still a senile racist who has a habit of suing his ex-mistresses once somebody reminds him how much money he’s giving them.
May 6, 2014 at 1:47 am rating: 3
Never too soon to make fun of someone who bizarrely owns a basketball team and yet hates blacks. Has he *seen* his team?
May 6, 2014 at 7:28 am rating: 24
Package stealers ought to be strung up by their balls. Or teets? Everybody has teets. Not everyone has balls.. (as the PAN writer has pointed out).
May 5, 2014 at 11:45 pm rating: 7
A simple solution would be to string package stealers up in town square by their toes and beat them with a sack of shit.
May 6, 2014 at 4:34 am rating: 6
I dunno. Beating someone with a sack of shit sounds messy and unpleasant for everyone involved.
May 6, 2014 at 5:40 am rating: 26
As my mother would say, you hang him by the toes and spit in his ass.
May 6, 2014 at 2:34 pm rating: 4
Ah, the old “Il Duce” treatment!
May 6, 2014 at 2:48 pm rating: 3
I am cursed with an overactive imagination. Perhaps because my spittle aim leaves much to be desired, but again– I feel that the spit-in-ass punishment is just as awful for the spitter as the spittee. Brown nose, anyone?
May 6, 2014 at 3:45 pm rating: 8
Isn’t that why straws were really invented, Tess?
May 6, 2014 at 6:42 pm rating: 4
May 6, 2014 at 9:15 pm rating: 0
Ack! Straws! Anuses. Ack! Images! Ack!
May 6, 2014 at 9:16 pm rating: 9
*gifts Tess a spittoon to practice*
May 6, 2014 at 10:23 pm rating: 1
Thank ye kindly, ma’am! I just need some ‘baccy, and then I will be alllll set!
May 7, 2014 at 11:35 am rating: 1
Well if you don’t want a straw to improve your spitting aim, then there are no other options but a fancy bucket to spit into.
May 7, 2014 at 12:08 pm rating: 1
Is not spitting completely off the table? How did I end up in a situation where I have no option but to spit in someone’s anus? What led me to this pretty pass?
May 7, 2014 at 1:18 pm rating: 8
I dunno, ask Elf. She’s in charge of such matters, I think.
May 7, 2014 at 1:27 pm rating: 3
Because you shot down the sack of shit. Never shoot down the sack of shit!
May 9, 2014 at 7:02 am rating: 2
Lesson learned!!!! Yipes!
May 9, 2014 at 7:27 am rating: 0
Athletic supporter? I thought it was a modernist gravy boat!
May 6, 2014 at 7:30 am rating: 11
They have a secured locker system as part of their mail center. I am having trouble understanding how the thief could get his hands on the note-writer’s package.
May 6, 2014 at 10:20 am rating: 6
Probably dinner and a few drinks.
May 6, 2014 at 10:28 am rating: 46
This could be true but, for this situation, the note implies that Jock Blocker and Unsupported are not familiar with one another.
May 6, 2014 at 11:15 am rating: 3
If the package was sent using a carrier like FedEx or UPS (especially UPS), they could’ve left it pretty much anywhere around the complex. With a neighbor, the building manager, sitting outside the apartment door, sitting outside the building door, sitting in the middle of the sidewalk in front of the building… … …
Anyplace the driver “deems secure”.
May 6, 2014 at 12:54 pm rating: 17
Assuming it was actually placed in the larger locked box, the key may have been put in the wrong regular mailbox. At which point the unintentional recipient either kept it or returned it to the Post Office. Which might have taken a few days to get back to the correct recipient, who wrote that note in the meantime.
Or the package was marked delivered but actually wasn’t.
I once had a package show up a week after it was “delivered,” presumably for one of the above reasons.
Either way, note writer needs to call the Post Office to ask.
May 6, 2014 at 1:35 pm rating: 4
Wow…none of you have package thieves living among you? My building had to install a security camera because packages kept disappearing from our locked foyer. The police managed to recover a good chunk of the stuff from the girl in 110. She had to pay us back for what she sold/gave away. And then we got to deal with a foreclosure when she lost her job due to her newfound felony record…
May 6, 2014 at 3:02 pm rating: 9
At risk of tempting fate, I will say that I have not had (nor heard of) any issues with packages in my neighborhood. I am fortunate that my house is on a cul-de-sac. Everything is oriented such that a parcel on my stoop is difficult for casual passers-by to see.
You have the misfortune to live in a building where everyone to pass through the foyer sees your business, including your pilferer in 110. Was she feeding a crack habit or what?
May 7, 2014 at 8:31 am rating: 2
I’m on a cul-de-sac too. I had to go on UPS website to OK packages being left on my porch. I think otherwise they keep them and you have to pick them up.
But yeah, I hate people who steal.
May 7, 2014 at 12:02 pm rating: 1
Purolator hates me. I had a whole SAGA with them that very nearly ended in curses.
May 7, 2014 at 1:58 pm rating: 1
It’s generally not a misfortune, Tara. I live in the city…at least we have a secure-ish place to leave packages without picking them up or paying a million dollars in fees for a concierge.
I don’t think she was feeding any kind of habit…she always seemed like a nice person to me, and had a good-ish job (she wasn’t raking it in, but everything I knew about her job from casual conversation led me to believe she could afford to live decently). I think she honestly had a problem, kleptomania or something similar. I mean, one of the things they found in her place was my box of dog poop bags. Unopened. She didn’t have a pet. Many of the other boxes also weren’t even opened. She knew we put the camera in, and kept doing it. Reeks of something that needs serious therapy and heavy meds. While we had no choice but to press charges to solve the problem, I hope she eventually got some help.
No matter how nice of neighborhoods I’ve lived in, we’ve occasionally had problems like this. They are generally less of an issue where some people are home during daytime hours and/or homes have discreet places to leave packages. But I had a few packages stolen from my entry nook in a neighborhood full of million dollar homes (I am not a millionaire…I rented there). Packages are low-hanging fruit for thieves.
May 7, 2014 at 7:24 pm rating: 4
Tara, I think you missed the tongue-in-cheek nature of Elf’s reply. You were wondering how the thief got their hands on the note writer’s package. Elf replied as if you meant the other kind of “package.”
May 8, 2014 at 3:08 pm rating: 2
Let’s hope the compression bandage for that (possible) knee jerk reaction (they said it would be there on the 23rd, but it’s not, so OBVIOUSLY someone stole it) doesn’t get stolen too.
May 6, 2014 at 11:30 am rating: 3
Out of interest, how would the person delivering the package, access your mailbox?
Where I live, everyone’s mail gets dumped in a communal pile on the stairs, and whatever’s not claimed at the end of the week gets thrown away. Screw you if you go on holiday.
May 6, 2014 at 11:34 am rating: 0
Where I live, the postman has access to the parcel boxes and leaves the key to the secured locker in your regular (also locked) letter box. FedEx and UPS leaves our parcels on the stoop.
May 6, 2014 at 11:38 am rating: 1
@Kasaba: USPS carriers carry standard keys that open the entire bank of mailboxes, and multi-unit mailbox installations are generally master-keyed accordingly.
In my building, the mailboxes all have tall, narrow doors laid out in a horizontal row, and the carrier’s key tilts the entire bank of them forward so that our mail can be dropped into the correct “slots”. (In theory.)
May 6, 2014 at 1:03 pm rating: 4
How very New World.
May 8, 2014 at 1:28 pm rating: 1
Obviously his package is very big and the parcel of jock straps would not fit in the wee silver box
May 12, 2014 at 10:22 am rating: 1
That’s a hard problem to have.
May 12, 2014 at 11:04 am rating: 0
Years ago, a friend sent me a fruit basket for my birthday and someone stole it off my front porch before I got home. So I then boxed up a bunch gay-themed nude magazines all nice and pretty and left that on my porch. That box vanished as well, but after that no one ever stole my mail again.
May 6, 2014 at 4:50 pm rating: 23
If I may ask… How did you get the gay nude mags??
May 6, 2014 at 8:53 pm rating: 2
They know people?
May 6, 2014 at 9:18 pm rating: 1
I have very generous friends. And the guys in those magazines are insanely hot.
May 7, 2014 at 9:41 am rating: 6
Fitz, you should send me some of those. I have some research to do.
May 7, 2014 at 5:05 pm rating: 4
Y’all do realize, there’s this thing called the “Internet”…?
Hear me now and believe me later: we have smut here, too! (IIIIKNOW!!!)
May 7, 2014 at 11:04 pm rating: 1
Isn’t that why the ‘net was born? Porn, porn, porn.
May 8, 2014 at 6:42 am rating: 2
Yes, but I can’t hang the internet on my walls or hide it under my pillow
May 8, 2014 at 2:08 pm rating: 2
Zero Our Hero
You can’t blame anyone who refuses to usr the internet to satisfy his/her need for errr… ‘research’ . some weeks back I called my service provider to complain about a massive data drain of about 1GB over 2 days. she was like: sorry about that. let me just check your download history…. I screamed NOOOOOO, cut the call removed my SIM card and broke it. if only I had a neighbor with good magazines (for research, I must add again). I wouldn’t have had to change my phone number.
May 9, 2014 at 8:51 am rating: 4
I could use the internet, but the magazines taste better when I lick them and I don’t have to Windex my monitor afterward to remove those unsightly saliva streaks.
May 12, 2014 at 10:06 am rating: 1
Yeah, but doesn’t Windexing your magazines cause even biger problems?
May 13, 2014 at 4:29 pm rating: 1
Of course not, FeRD. It’s all about that streak-free shine, don’tchaknow.
May 13, 2014 at 9:37 pm rating: 0
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Jun 5, 2014 at 12:24 pm rating: 1
— The Beast Among Us
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
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clip art catastrophe
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landlords and property managers
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now that's management
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signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?