The ultimate grandparent guilt trip

May 28th, 2014 · 96 comments

“I haven’t had a close relationship with my grandparents since I graduated from college 14 years ago,” writes Lindsay in Nashville. “I only see them a couple of times a year, so it’s typically pretty awkward when we get together. I have nothing against them, but they haven’t been involved with my life in so long it’s almost like we’re acquaintances, rather than family.”

This masterpiece is what Lindsay received this year for her birthday.

Dear Lindsay, Hope you enjoy your birthday & that the check will help with that. As you know I am not doing too well, but before I die, I'd sure like to know why you dislike us. Thru the years we've tried to give you what we could, but I guess it wasn't enough.

Adds Lindsay: “They have written me, my sister and my mother out of their will multiple times — though we’re all reinstated now, as far as I know.”

related: Smack! Right in the feels.

FILED UNDER: Grandma · guilt trip


96 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Will

    “though we’re all reinstated now, as far as I know.”
    Assuming they don’t read this site, that is.

    May 28, 2014 at 4:48 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   The Elf

      If it isn’t this, it’ll be something else. Anyone who adjust their will “multiple times” to write people in and out probably will do so at the drop of a hat.

      May 29, 2014 at 6:57 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Lita bang

      Exactly right, Elf. My mom’s selfish bastard of a father was constantly writing her and her siblings out of the will if they even breathed in his direction. We were honestly surprised any of them got anything when he finally kicked the bucket.

      May 29, 2014 at 9:13 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Ace of Space

      Speaking from experience, don’t bet on still being in the will. Grandparents love to use insurance policies as a Sword of Damocles.

      May 30, 2014 at 10:01 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   magicdomino

      On the other hand, the grandparents may be like my mother. She was always talking about disinheriting one or the other of us, or leaving everything to charity. Turned out, Mother hadn’t updated her will since it was written in 1966. Guess she didn’t want to pay a lawyer unless she had the “perfect” will.

      May 30, 2014 at 12:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
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      Jun 14, 2014 at 3:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Ajax

    Lindsay’s grandparent sounds lonely. Sad, no matter who’s to blame. Lindsay says she has “nothing against them.” I never thought about my grandparents that way, because I was taught to honor them. They were decent, hardworking people who did their best to bring up decent, hardworking children. It never occurred to me that it was their responsibility to stay “involved with my life” as they aged and I became a responsible adult. Now, twenty-five years after losing them, I’m thankful that I made the effort to stay in their lives by writing to them, calling them and sending photos.

    p.s. My grandparents didn’t ever have enough to leave me anything in their wills.

    May 28, 2014 at 5:06 pm   rating: 167  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   uncreative

      I’m guessing that your grandparents made an effort to get to know you and share common interests when you were younger, such that there was something to maintain when you were older. A lot of my older relatives (but not all) didn’t bother doing that. The kids were generally sent off to play together during family gatherings. And often older relatives didn’t make any real effort to connect. So, there wasn’t really anything there to maintain.

      In general, if a child doesn’t feel close to an older relative who had 18 years to become a reasonable part of that child’s life, I’m not going to blame the child for feeling ambivalent about the relative. Sometimes the older relative can’t – due to health issues or distance. But you shouldn’t expect somebody to be close to you and really care about you if you haven’t established that kind of relationship. A blood relation is a good reason to try to establish that, but it’s not enough on its own to make somebody feel close.

      May 28, 2014 at 5:29 pm   rating: 106  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   FeRD bang

      I haven’t spoken to a single member of my biological family in over a decade. My grandparents are all gone, so that’s a moot point, but my parents will likely die, or perhaps have died, without us ever interacting again.

      Trust me, it takes two sides, and there’s plenty of blame to go around. I’m fine with that — or, maybe I should say I’ve made my peace with it — but I refuse to waste my life feeling guilty about it as you’re clearly advocating, Ajax.

      May 28, 2014 at 5:57 pm   rating: 57  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   deprogrammed

      You and me both. I sometimes forget that not everyone has the same good relationship with family that I do. We don’t feel the need to be in each other’s face every day, proclaiming undying fealty, but we know – we KNOW – we are in each other’s good graces, all the time.

      May 28, 2014 at 6:07 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   kermit

      I think the point is precisely that it takes two sides.

      It’s one thing if there is a rational reason for a family strife that causes one/both parties to break off relations.

      It’s quite another when somebody chooses to cut off contact for no rational reason other than they’re “growing up”, as it appears to be true for the note writer.

      Once you’re past the age of getting birthday gifts from your grandparents and parents, it’s on you to take the initiative to keep them in your life as you become an adult. You’re the one who sets the tone because you’re the one who is making the big transition from school into working life and “settling down”. Their life is already settled down, and so they’re taking their cues from you to know when it’s okay to call/visit.

      So in Lindsay’s particular case, big kudos to the grandparents for calling her out on her behavior. If she didn’t/doesn’t want a relationship with them, the decent thing to do is to tell them so and not bitch about being excluded out of their will. If she’s “too busy” to have a relationship with them, she should be “too busy” to spend her portion of the inheritance as well.

      Life is too short to be an ahole to people have been decent to you. And if you’re really “too busy” to maintain relationships with people whose history you should value and may have something to learn from, remember that your own children/family/friends may feel the same way once when you get old.

      May 28, 2014 at 8:06 pm   rating: 58  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Jessica

      I don’t know anything about Lindsay’s grandparents so I can’t comment about them in any informed way but it irritates me when people assume grandparents are automatically noble, caring, and adoring people. I had one who was quite vicious and abusive. I did not take kindly to blanket statements that she should be cherished and honored just for being old and related to me.

      May 28, 2014 at 9:18 pm   rating: 95  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   Poltergeist

      Sorry Kermit, but the grandparents don’t deserve any kudos. Maybe Lindsay is okay with not having a close relationship with her grandparents, and that’s her right. You don’t have to be close with people just because they’re related to you by blood. However, if the grandparents had an issue with their relationship with their granddaughter, they should have brought it up in person (Lindsay said she does see them a couple times a year) or at least over the phone…but no, they chose to bring it up in a *birthday card.*

      “Happy Birthday! Here’s some money. Btw, I might die soon. Why do you hate me?”

      No, that’s not how you appropriately address the issue, and the guilt tripping is basically suggesting that the entire thing is the granddaughter’s fault.

      May 28, 2014 at 10:55 pm   rating: 89  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   Elinu

      I’d think it’s more often the parents who establish the tone and how the grandparent relationship is going to go, really. Some people are brought up hearing stories about their grandparents, being encouraged to get to know them, getting their introduction to the harrowing world of thank-you notes on them. Others are brought up with their grandparents being Those Old People We Visit Occasionally. Or not a thing at all. And, of course, heaven knows sometimes there’s a good reason for that. Not all grandparents are automatically amazing people.

      That said, I do agree that the writer(s?) behind this note mostly sounds sad and confused. They can’t figure out how to establish a relationship with their grandkid again and it sucks. But at least they do, by golly, know how to guilt trip!

      May 29, 2014 at 12:32 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   kermit

      Poltergeist, if Lindsay has legit issues with her grandparents, then she should have the spine to tell them why when they ask, like they did in the card.

      And I don’t think this is an inappropriate message to send in a birthday card given that, according to Lindsay they only see/talk to each other twice a year, if that.

      While we’re at it, when was the last time Lindsay sent her grandparents a birthday card or anniversary card? The expectation that a birthday card should be nice and non-PA goes both ways. Otherwise, it’s a fair medium of communication of honest thoughts.

      May 29, 2014 at 9:13 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.9   Rachel

      Sad indeed, but if the grandparents keep writing people in and out of their wills then clearly they are at the very least a real part of the problem. Sounds like they think it’s all about money.
      How do you know Lindsey doesn’t honor them? We know she doesn’t really feel she knows them, and that makes her feel awkward. Lots of assumptions. Are you thinking of younger relatives you know by any chance?

      May 29, 2014 at 10:30 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.10   Hal

      If Lindsay has “legit issues” with her grandparents, she probably doesn’t owe them anything, never mind the gratification of dragging her into the “Why don’t you love us?” drama.

      There are a lot of reasons relatives end up not being close. We don’t know the reasons here, although I agree that the will rewriting is a big red flag. We don’t even know if these people live in the same time zone. So I can only agree that the note — “Happy birthday, we sent a check even though you hate us” — is a guilt trip for the ages.

      May 29, 2014 at 12:20 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.11   hbc

      Kermit, in what universe is it okay to air grievances in a birthday card? It is supposed to give congratulations on making it another year and best wishes for the next whirl around the sun. It is *not* an acceptable venue for telling someone that they smell, or that you’re breaking up with them, or that you’re docking their pay for that time you caught them chatting on the phone at work.

      Wait a day and send a letter. Or call and ask for a visit. Putting it in the card says, “Here, we feel obligated to fulfill this social gesture, but trust us that there’s no corresponding emotion behind it.”

      May 29, 2014 at 12:50 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.12   The Elf

      Yes, airing of grievances are only appropriate in Festivus cards.

      May 29, 2014 at 1:50 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.13   The Elf

      Yes, airing of grievances are only appropriate in Festivus cards.

      May 29, 2014 at 1:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.14   ramentastic

      Not for the first time do I wish we had more backstory. I see both sides of this coin. I have a great relationship with one set of gparents (the only left living now), and it’s due in large part to living with them for most of my childhood because my mom had always financially struggled. The other gparents were “old people we visited” and my dad didn’t emphasize the certain things they expected (like thank you notes). I got many PA reprimands for not sending proper thanks, but how could I know to do that, at the age of 10, without my parent telling me?

      Good luck to Lindsey and her grandparents, and I hope that they can maybe reach a better understanding of each other while there is still time.

      May 29, 2014 at 3:39 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.15   Sarah

      You clearly did not have a grandparent who made very little to no effort to get to know you. I’m not sure if this is the case with Lindsey or if they are other issues going on, but it is pretty hurtful as a child/young person to go through something like this. I was taught to respect my elders, and I do, but when someone doesn’t even write you a birthday card for about six years, it is hard to have a relationship with that person.

      May 29, 2014 at 4:08 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.16   juniper

      I have to agree- because that’s how I was raised as well. No, they didn’t really attempt to know what I liked and disliked or share common interests. And I never expected them to. But I was expected as a child to respect them and yes.. love them. And help them if they needed help. I see too little of this these days. A much younger cousin of mine grew up with parents that were the opposite. You didn’t HAVE to go see grandma. You didn’t have to remember Grandma’s birthday or write a thank you card when she gave you money. And now? She and others that have grown up that way are just selfish takers that wouldn’t know respect if it came and swatted them upside the head. The world’s a bigger place these days – fewer of us stay in the place where our families or origins are. The idea that my grandparents were supposed to make the effort to track me through my life after high school is absurd. It was my duty and honour to stay in touch with them.

      May 31, 2014 at 9:53 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.17   uncreative

      So, since you don’t have common interests, and they don’t really know who you are as a person, do you just call them up to small talk at them? Do you actually think that is valuable or meaningful? I guess some people like it. And some people do end up lonely enough that they’ll talk to anyone. But if they have interesting lives still, what are either of you getting out of that? Does it just make you feel good to pretend you have an actual relationship with each other?

      May 31, 2014 at 10:53 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.18   BigWave96

      Sorry Lindsay, but you seem like a self interested, pretentious twat. You should be the one reaching out to them, not the other way around. You should take an interest in them and their lives. They will not be here much longer and you will never realize the history and great stories about your own family that you will have lost forever.

      And even mentioning their will as part of the deal tells me all I need to know about where your priorities lay.

      Jun 15, 2014 at 6:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.19   Megan

      Your singular experience does not negate the experiences of others. Many, many people have much more complicated relationships with their relatives than you did with your grandparents.

      Jun 18, 2014 at 5:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Jami

    “Dear Grandpa & Grandma,

    I DON’T dislike you. You have to actually know someone to like them. You’ve simply not been a big part of my life. So I’m apathetic towards you but I don’t hate you.

    It’s not that I don’t appreciate the checks. I just wish that when there was a chance we could’ve spent time together and gotten to know each other.

    I’m glad that you made a will though. Too many children take advantage of the lack of the will to grab what they want and screw the others.”

    May 28, 2014 at 5:48 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Megan

      Eh. I would leave out the second paragraph. It doesn’t sound like they’d be much fun to be around.

      Jun 18, 2014 at 5:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Liz

    If someone is writing you out of many versions of a will then chances are they aren’t the kind of grandparent who fosters great relationships with their children and grandchildren. My grandparents weren’t awesome and I saw them a few times a year at most. And spent 90% of those terrible visits hearing the latest gossip about people I had never met or getting whined at because I didn’t visit enough. This is the sort of card my paternal grandmother would have written pretty much verbatim. And like all passive-aggressive communication, it doesn’t exactly foster great relationships.

    May 28, 2014 at 7:41 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Quite Contrary

    The only thing that could make this more awkward is if something really did happen to cause the lack of relationship and there’s a really good reason for Lindsay to not like them.

    May 28, 2014 at 9:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Laura

    Adds Lindsay: “They have written me, my sister and my mother out of their will multiple times — though we’re all reinstated now, as far as I know.”

    Hello, red flag! I can’t read this as anything other than the grandparents trying to manipulate their family by buying love with money and then threatening to withhold it – repeatedly. It speaks volumes that Lindsay even knows the content of her grandparents’ will, much less that they’ve changed beneficiaries multiple times as their displeasure waxes and wanes.

    I have sympathy for lonely elderly people but this kind of emotional/financial blackmail is really distasteful.

    May 28, 2014 at 9:10 pm   rating: 58  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   kermit

      Erm, if you consider being written out the will true blackmail, then that only reinforces their contention that you’re only spending time with them because of their money.

      May 28, 2014 at 9:22 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Rachel

      Blackmail is in the intention, not the reception. There’s an awful lot of judgment here, considering how little of the story we know.

      May 28, 2014 at 10:27 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   The Elf

      Sorry, Kermit, don’t buy it. You can recognize an attempt to blackmail (come visit us or else you won’t get any money when we die) without actually falling for that trap. Notewriter could want (or not want) to spend time with grandparents regardless of the will, but that won’t stop the grandparents from attempting to manipulate via the will because they think it’ll work.

      I’ve got an in-law who does something similar. We honestly don’t care about the will. I’d be thrilled if he spent his money on things that make him happy and died with his last check bouncing. Maybe then he won’t be so miserable to be around. Instead, he hoards his cash and reminds the family how much they’ll get when he dies, if he decides to put them/keep them in the will.

      Sometimes these things are a two-way street, but in this case I’m only seeing signs of manipulation going in one direction. It might be two; we don’t know enough of the story. But I’m only seeing the red flags for one.

      May 29, 2014 at 7:06 am   rating: 41  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Raichu

      EXACTLY, Elf. It’s one thing if she’s obsessed with getting Granny’s money, of course. But it’s also entirely possible to see and be hurt by the passive-aggressive intentions of constant will-rewriting without giving a single shit about the money itself. It sends a message.

      Jun 6, 2014 at 2:07 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   hbc

    “Hey, I know the way to foster a good relationship with our granddaughter: let’s make clear that we think her love is for sale but she’s set the price too high. What could go wrong?”

    May 29, 2014 at 7:35 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Nahhh bang

    At least the OP’s grandmother referred to her by the right name. My grandmother had ONE granddaughter, and never got my name right. I think I got maybe five birthday cards from her in my life. Guess who had to take care of her (plus my own kids) as she died slowly from liver cancer?

    I would have definitely preferred a guilt-card, so I could send the check back marked “Address unknown.”

    May 29, 2014 at 7:52 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Jean Pennie

    I feel sad. Being a grandparent has been the greatest thing in my life. If someday my grandkids don’t want a relationship with me, it would break my heart. I still miss very much my own grandparents, who have been gone for 30 years.

    May 29, 2014 at 8:51 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Kasaba

      I lived with my own grandparents for a few years after my parents separated, then lived with dad and stepmom as a teenager/student. I knew that it was super hard from my grandmother, when I moved to my dad’s. She would phone me, and I’d be annoyed/see it as a chore to talk to her. When you’re young your priorities are different, and you don’t really get what that interaction/time means to your grandparents (depending on the relationship you have with them). When my grandmother died, I regretted not giving her more of my time.

      May 29, 2014 at 10:59 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   buni

      I had one grandmother who I really loved and the other, I was ambivalent about. My mom had a close relationship with her mom, so we spent a lot of time with her. My dad, on the other hand, was the 7th of 9 kids. I don’t think his mom had time to give a lot of attention to each of her offspring and all of their children. We visited her house once a year and saw her at other family gatherings, but I remember being afraid of her when I was little. I didn’t spend any one-on-one time with her and she didn’t encourage me to get to know her.

      May 29, 2014 at 1:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   uncreative

      Jean Pennie, it sounds like you are involved with their lives. Like you have a real connection with them. That you know more about them than their ages and a rough update you get now and then. Which means, odds are good, they will want to continue that. If you don’t have that, develop that when they’re young. Talk to them and get to know them. Have a better idea of what they’re like than someone would get from an annual Christmas card family update letter. And let them get to know you. Real human connections that go beyond, here’s some birthday money and/or that thing your parents said you wanted.

      Most people want to maintain positive connections they have with family. So, if you develop that, then they will likely value it, especially as they get older. But if the best you can do is recite some basic info about them and never have meaningful conversations or fun outings outside of holidays, well, what is it you want to maintain anyway?

      You need to model relationships for kids. The adults get to set the tone for what they expect later. What kind of interaction is an adult supposed to have with someone who came by periodically, ruffled their hair, and said, “My you’ve grown so much!” There’s just nothing in something like that to maintain. So make sure there is more than that before they reach adulthood.

      But if you’re getting a lot out of it, odds are you’re putting a lot into it. And your grandkids probably will have lots of memories of who you are, and thus want to keep that person in their lives. The fact that some grandkids don’t care about the adults who they saw now and then and who didn’t have much effect on their lives and they don’t know much about isn’t a reflection on what is likely to happen in your future.

      May 29, 2014 at 3:03 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Blackadar

    Dear Grandmother,

    It’s notes like that which are the reason I dislike spending time with you.

    Sincerely,

    Lindsay

    May 29, 2014 at 10:28 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Phoenix

    Kermit-

    You’re coming across as extremely judgmental, based on really limited information. I’d ask you to step back and stop basing everything you’re saying on YOUR life experiences.

    I’ve gotten similar notes from my grandmother, because she knows how to make herself look good. I’ve never had a relationship with her either- mostly because she abandoned her family when my mom was 14 and came back when I was two years old when she went flat broke. She never had anything to do with any of us, then twenty years later she asks why nobody treats her like a grandma.

    Well, it’s kind of hard to address all that in your post to PA notes if I’d uploaded my grandmother’s notes. So I guess you’d think I’m greedy, ungrateful and all the other things you’ve insinuated about OP. Because a PA note from one side of the issue rarely puts in context, and submitting a hilariously over the top PA does not prompt one to psychoanalyize their own life for the benefit of the comment section.

    TL:DR version: this was posted by someone for your enjoyment at the marvelously over the top PA nature of the note. You are not owed a lengthy defense of the poster, nor are you asked to weigh in on someone else’s family history. Never assume you know someone else’s life, or that you can interpret it based on a few sentences they post online for humorous effect. You’ve never met these people.

    May 29, 2014 at 10:50 am   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   kermit

      No offense, Phoenix but you don’t know me, and therefore have no basis to conclude whether my comments are based on personal experience or not.

      I think I was very clear in my initial comment when I said that it’s fine to break off relations if there are legit/rational reasons to do so. In my opinion, in her submission, Lindsay didn’t provide any context to suggest that her grandparents had done something awful to justify the family rift. Being written in/out of a will is a consequence of actions not the start of a will. If your beef over nothing but being excluded from the will, sorry but you look greedy. There’s no reason that you should feel entitled to somebody’s estate given the fact that you never cared much about having a relationship with that person.

      Lastly, voluntarily submitting a PA note to a site for amusement does invite judgment. Practically all notes that are submitted here involve a debate on whose “side” is “right”, given the available evidence. If Lindsay had said that she doesn’t have a relationship with them because of [legit personal reasons], then I would agree with you. But she didn’t do that.

      May 29, 2014 at 11:16 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   neo

      Kermit, you keep coming back to saying that she wants nothing but money from her grandparents. I see no indication whatsoever that your assumption there is correct. She mentions the will, yes, but as a simple statement of fact and evidence to her grandmother’s past manipulation tactics.

      Secondly, you absolutely do NOT need a “legit/rational” reason to break off contact with someone, whether they’re related to you or not. You don’t owe anyone a relationship. Would it be nice if she could say, “Hey, Gram and Pap, I don’t think we have anything in common and don’t really see a need for us to have contact anymore”? Of course it would. But I think we all recognize that’s not how most families work, and the ensuing shitstorm would probably not be worth the relief of speaking one’s mind.

      May 29, 2014 at 6:58 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   kermit

      Neo, this is the last time I’m going to address this because it’s turning into the indoor/outdoor cat debate hell.

      In her submission Lindsay makes it clear that she has “nothing against” her grandparents – whom she views/treats as acquaintances – and then she mentions that they wrote her family in and out of the will many times. Since she views them as acquaintances, why does their will matter anything at all?

      And while you don’t “need” a legit/rational reason to break off relations, it’s nice to have one if you don’t want people to brand you as batshit crazy person who behaves irrationally. I don’t know about you, but If I have a modicum amount of respect for a person, if I don’t want them in my life any more, I do tell them why if they ask. That’s just common courtesy and respect that everyone is entitled to.

      And since I evidently haven’t made this clear, I’m not saying that people should be “forced” to have relationships with their toxic relatives simply because of the family relation. If you have toxic relatives, by all means don’t have them in your life. But if they’re not toxic, I don’t see why it’s rational to shun them just because they did nothing more but get old and boring.

      May 29, 2014 at 7:48 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   The Elf

      That’s really the question we have to ask ourselves, isn’t it? Who is letting these grandparents go outside unsupervised? I don’t care if it is in their nature, your grandparent will live longer if they aren’t exposed to diseases, cars, and predators.

      May 30, 2014 at 7:13 am   rating: 46  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   ramentastic

    Between this and all the other “my family is so shittily PA” threads, I feel like we need a PAN Commenters Support Group for F*cked up Families. I’m always interested to read the wide variety of family interactions and relationships that come up in these comment threads.

    May 29, 2014 at 3:48 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   The Elf

      I’m pretty sure the support group for f*cked up families is called “the bar”. We meet Friday after work.

      May 29, 2014 at 4:57 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   assiveProgressive

      Go figure. I am strangely drawn to this website day after day. My therapist tells me I need to work on my passive aggressive actions. Yes, my family is fucked up and so am I.

      May 29, 2014 at 11:28 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Megan

      reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists

      Jun 18, 2014 at 5:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   e

    I’ve been reading P.A.Notes for years and this is the most disgusting, attention-whoring, single thing. I would love for the recipient to shred it and package the shreds and send them back.

    May 29, 2014 at 6:47 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   NurseL

    This is really sad. Lindsay, go visit your grandparents. They are obviously lonely and miss you. You are their family and they deserve respect.

    May 29, 2014 at 7:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   ShadeTail

      Maybe, but how do you know? Are you acquainted with Lindsey specifically or her family in general? Do you actually know the circumstances behind their relations?

      May 30, 2014 at 5:46 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Zairrin

      I hate people who pull the “BUT THEY’RE FAAAAAAMILY!” card.

      Toxic relatives DO exist. Child abuse IS a real thing – and it doesn’t have to leave bruises to be abuse. (Not that that’s what happening here, necessarily.)

      I don’t care if they’re my faaaaaaamily. If they’re abusive, manipulative, or otherwise shitty people – which it sounds like these grandparents are – I’m not going anywhere near them.

      I don’t owe them anything; not my respect nor my love. And neither does Lindsay.

      May 31, 2014 at 7:53 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Megan

      Nope. Do not feed the PA monster.

      Jun 18, 2014 at 5:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   DWAI

    My wife has notes from her grandparents in the same fashion that would put this to shame. Notes dating back to childhood until present. I am going to leave this open and ask if I can post them.

    May 29, 2014 at 10:08 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   assiveProgressive

    So… When exactly is it OK to cut off a relative. I have been dutifully giving my niece Christmas and birthday presents, and then not hearing from her. I know next to nothing about her since when I do see her she is texting or playing games. Should I also cut her out of my will and just leave any monies to an animal charity? According to the threads here, I should, because neither one of us has bothered to get to know the other, and I really think she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me.

    May 29, 2014 at 11:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Poltergeist

      I think the thing to take away from this PA note is that if you have an issue with a family relationship, you need to bring it up in person. Have you talked with your neice about the fact that you would like to spend more time with her and get to know her better (and done it in a way that doesn’t include blaming her/guilting her?)

      You’re not obligated to keep giving her gifts either. Sending a card/letter/calling her to wish her well around certain holidays is enough of a gesture towards somebody you’re not particularly close to.

      And whatever you decide to do with your will, keep it to yourself. There is ansolutely no need to share it with any family member but your spouse/partner.

      May 30, 2014 at 3:18 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Mags

      If you are looking for a practical answer — one of my relatives cuts off the gifts for kids when they turn 16. She’s got a lot of nieces and nephews and they are a reasonably close family. This does not mean she cuts them out of her life.

      May 30, 2014 at 5:11 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   The Elf

      How old is the neice? How close are you to the neices’ parents? We’ve drifted apart from our neice and nephews because we’ve drifted apart from their parents. But we still send gifts because, hey, they’re kids. The only kids in the family, actually. I intend to cut off the gift giving at adulthood/high school graduation. I don’t intend to cut them out of my life, but I figure if the other adults in the family don’t get gifts, they shouldn’t either.

      May 30, 2014 at 7:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   hbc

      There is a wide chasm between cutting someone out of your life and making them a beneficiary of your will. Send out a card but no present. Say “hi” when she pops her head out of the electronics, or ask about the game she’s playing. Leave her whatever amount in the will makes sense to you given your relationship. None of this has to be punitive or manipulative, just acknowledging reality.

      May 30, 2014 at 7:19 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   assiveProgressive

      She is going to graduate from high school next year. The main reason I send her money/gift cards is because her father (my brother) died, so I figure she actually needs the money. But otherwise, I’ve just never been close to her, but I’m like that with just about everybody. One thing I want to say about all this is that people should feel luckier that their relatives are living. I only knew my grandma on my adoptive mother’s side, and she died when I was 14. The other grandparents were dead. No, I would not chop somebody out of my will to be mean. I’m just thinking maybe I’ll leave it to those who acted like they cared.

      May 30, 2014 at 11:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.6   Zairrin

      Your money and time is your own, aP. Do with it what you will.

      It sounds like you want a relationship with your niece; if you feel she doesn’t appreciate the cash, have you thought about gifts of time rather than money? A day trip, an outing, or the like will be infinitely more valuable in the long run than a gift card.

      You may want to talk to her about acknowledging your gifts – I’d never even HEARD of thank you notes until I was 17, much less written one (for which I’m eternally ashamed). It simply may not have occurred to your niece to do something in response to your gift.

      (May I also suggest browsing through the Etiquette Hell forums? They often talk about unacknowledged gifts and what to do about them.)

      May 31, 2014 at 8:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.7   Raichu

      Very important question: how old is the niece?

      Jun 6, 2014 at 2:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.8   Megan

      I think you should stop with the presents, personally. It could be that her parents just have too much going on to teach your niece how to receive a present, but if it bothers you, definitely stop. There’s no need to take time out of your life for something that doesn’t give anyone satisfaction. Neither you nor your niece seem to be enjoying this one-sided exchange.

      Jun 18, 2014 at 6:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Cady

    “Dear Grandparents, I don’t know you well enough to dislike you. If you’d like to remedy that, let’s meet for coffee sometime. Otherwise, have a nice life before you die.”

    May 30, 2014 at 3:32 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Fritz-the-Cat

    You are all pretty weird. If my grandparents would send me a note, asking “what did we do that you hate us”, my first reaction would be “what did I do that they think I hate them”. And no, I wasn’t particularly close to mine, and I wasn’t the most attentive grandchild (though not the worst, either).
    As Lindsey did, we just sort of drifted into our own worlds.

    But still, they never had to ask me if I hated them.
    Also, I didn’t get anything from them in their will – it all went to their children, my parents and their siblings, which is perfectly fine by me since THEY were the ones to care for them when they grew too old.

    I wonder, if Lindsey hadn’t written the part about the will in this submission, if you all would’ve reacted the way you did and went all “team Lindsey”, or if Kermit would have had more supporters of her/his views. Because it’s the grandparent’s will, and if they want to scribe in grandchildren or homeless cats, it’s their own damn business. Why should they put someone IN the will who’s not part of their life? So being IN the will is actually a lot for Lindsey and her siblings/cousins if they all have little or no relationship to the grandparents at all.

    So I’m not sorry to say that instead of sending the card here, Lindsey should maybe consider a change in attitude one way or the other.
    Jeez, you all have weird views, I must say.

    May 30, 2014 at 2:04 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   The Elf

      I saw the will thing not as an indication of importance of the money to Lindsay and family, but an indication of manipulation on the part of the grandparents, which did make me less sympathetic to them. Most people don’t rewrite their wills multiple times. They write them once, and then update them if something big happens, such as the children reaching adulthood and no longer needing guardians and trusts. People who write their inheritors into and out of the will “multiple times” tend to do that as a passive-aggressive means to another end.

      May 30, 2014 at 2:21 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Megan

      Well, my grandmother is a narcissist who has sent plenty of these kinds of notes. Very fun. It’s all about the narcissist, never about the poor recipient of his/her PA garbage. There’s no appeasing, no changing, no learning with these types of people and it’s best to limit contact with them. It’s sad, but one has to make choices for one’s own sanity.

      Jun 18, 2014 at 6:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   kermit

      Do you send the money/gifts back? If you’re using them, sorry but you’re not a woebegone recipient, here.

      And from your comments, unlike the majority of people who commented in your favor, your grandparents did not abuse you. Being written out of a will is not abuse. They seem to have done nothing wrong except get old and have different interests than you – just like when you were much younger, they had different interests. Or do you really think that grown were genuinely interested in your hobbies and preferences when your were an infant?

      You don’t feel a duty to those people and but still accept their gifts and feel entitled to your inheritance? Fine. But you’re not really entitled to universal public sympathy when your own grandparents call you out on your own PA behavior.

      Jun 18, 2014 at 7:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   uncreative

    If the grandparents were being reasonable, they probably would never have mentioned their will in the first place. The only reasons to tell people about what’s in your will in advance are to either get opinions to avoid hard feelings (for example, my parents have had some discussions with my siblings and myself about which particular items we care about – we don’t all have the same sentimental attachments and this better allowed items to be divided up such that everyone gets things that are meaningful to them) or to make sure everyone knows what will happen in the hopes of a smoother, easier transition (like showing people where certain documents or items are kept in advance).

    The aspects of your will that are simple, you should keep private. So, writing people into and out of your will is your business. But that the family knows about it makes it seem like it was done to manipulate people. If you change your will often, it’d be best to just not bring it up or if you already have and want to clear up false impressions say, “You know, I’m not sure how I want to set up my will… it’s going to change at times.”

    So, before you can write this info off you have to ask: Why do they know they’ve been written in and out of it? Why did the grandparents tell them?

    And it’s a lot easier to answer that with, because the grandparents are obnoxious (not necessarily horrible, evil people, but at least kind of annoying) than it is to think up sensible justifications.

    May 30, 2014 at 5:42 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Nikki

    If we just take Lindsay’s comments from before the picture, I say that, once you become an adult, you have to take on an adult-level of responsibility for maintaining relationships. If you can sign a lease/morgage, you can be the one to call, make arrangements for a visit, send cards, etc. if you want to maintain the relationship. It’s hard and we have a multitude of things demanding our time and attention. But I tell you what, if my Grandma were still alive, you bet I’d at least be trying to have a connection, even though I now live nearly 1,000 miles away. But, my Grandma kicked some serious a**. She was the picture of what you would hope for in a grandparent–quick to laugh, always there to listen, made sure she had a supply your favorite snacks and drinks if you were coming to visit… really just one of the nicest damn people I’ve ever known. Even with 15 grandchildren and almost 20 great-grandchildren, I always felt special to her and I hope she knew how much she meant to me. I loved her a ton. Even though she didn’t like pizza.

    May 30, 2014 at 6:18 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Nope

    Wow, this screams millennial. (I’m one too, don’t you worry.) You’re an adult now, and 14 years out of college puts you somewhere in your 30s — TIME TO GROW UP! Your grandparents are part of the reason why you are on this earth. YOU should reach out to them. If they’re sending you checks at this age, I can only guess they have been doing it in some form or another your entire life. Make time for them, visit them. They don’t have to be your best friend to have a relationship with them, and as for the awkwardness, it’s called a generation gap. Bridge it yourself, and show your appreciation to them while you can because they won’t always be there. I hope you at least grace them with a lengthy phone call of thanks for sending you a check, if nothing else.

    May 31, 2014 at 3:06 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Poltergeist

      So because you’re also a millenial, that means it’s okay for you to make stupid generalizations about other millenials?

      And who are you to tell Lindsay to grow up? The only thing you know about her is that she isn’t close to her grandparents. You know nothing about how she lives her life or how she treats the people she is close to.

      Jun 1, 2014 at 2:08 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   Megan

      I’m not a millenial, but I will say this: your name-calling does nothing to prove your maturity.

      Jun 18, 2014 at 6:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Lisa

    Sometimes grandparents are just shitty people. I was lucky to have three awesome grandparents, one who was kind of awesome until I happened to find out after he died that he was basically a rapist, and then two step-grandparents (both remarried to my grandparents before I was born) that didn’t seem to care much about me and my brother either way. My one grandpa died before my step-grandma and she was very bitter my grandpa died and focused her bitterness on my brother and me, and got us mostly written out of the will in a process that, based on dates, must have been initiated before my grandfather’s body was cold. We’d always had a good relationship but apparently that was more based on “I’m being nice to you because it’s important to your grandfather” rather than any sort of legitimate affection. The will thing, regarding the money, wasn’t a huge deal. And I sure wasn’t surprised, and I’m pretty sure I could even have challenged it successfully. But for all the love she always claimed to have for us and for my deceased mother, she sure was happy to shift our share of the inheritance to her blood relations. I was just mad because it felt like a betrayal of my mother more than anything.

    Blah blah blah.

    Long story short, old people can be pretty shitty.

    May 31, 2014 at 5:06 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   assiveProgressive

    My mother was always going to this or that holiday party, birthday party and all types of family functions. She would send everybody a card and all the kids would get some amount of money or a present, even if it was a token amount. Some of those kids are now in their 30s or teens and of course they don’t call, write or anything. (She can’t attend parties anymore.) I told her a few years ago to stop including the gifts (why bother, I said), so she just sends a card. Out of all of those relatives — numerous nieces, nephews, grandkids, great-grandkids from her 2nd husband’s family — just 2 of the nieces send her a gift. Age-appropriate stuff for a very old lady. Nothing expensive, but it’s nice to get a package in the mail. I’m glad their mother raised them right.

    May 31, 2014 at 6:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Poltergeist

      I’m afraid the only thing your story proves is that gifts do not make a relationship. Other than being the present lady, what kind of relationship did your mother have with all of those people? Did she spend a lot of quality time with them when they were growing up, or did she just see them on certain holidays?

      This is not a criticism of your mother. There are many reasons why family members might not get a chance to form close bonds, but you can’t exactly blame those people either for not keeping in touch as much as you think they should if their relationship with your mother basically consisted of her giving them an occasional gift.

      Jun 1, 2014 at 2:30 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   assiveProgressive

      Well, I guess that’s true. She’s not actually close to them in any way. Not being of her generation, I don’t make any effort at all with those people. No cards, no nothing. So they won’t hear any complaints from me, no expectations or anything else. It’s been working fine for me since I moved away from home 30 years ago.

      Jun 2, 2014 at 6:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Zairrin

    I’m Team Lindsay for a few reasons.

    1.) There are only a couple of reasons to talk about who’s in the will and who’s out of the will, and I highly doubt that, in this case, it’s for a benign reason.

    These grandparents strike me as the type to use the will as a way to manipulate their children and grandchildren, constantly writing them in and out because of some (perceived or not) slight. People who do this are manipulative abusers who see their money as a way to control their loved ones. “Be nice to me, or you won’t get anything!”? Fuck that!

    2.) Nobody OWES anything to anyone else. “They gave birth to you/raised you/gave you X, Y, and Z!” I hear you say. These are the terms of an unspoken bargain: They did X for you, so now you have to do Y. Which is, of course, shit.

    They CHOSE to do those things, with the condition that they would be rewarded for doing so some time down the line. I didn’t agree to this bargain, and will not uphold “my end” of it.

    It is the height of selfishness to do something for the express purpose of getting something in return. (Example: Having a child so you’ll have someone to take care of you when you’re old. Selfish and cruel.)

    3.) Just because they’re grandparents doesn’t mean they’re GOOD grandparents. Not everyone has grandparents that are basically blue-haired Mother Teresa. Having grand/children doesn’t make you a good person. There are shitty people of all ages in the world, and Lindsay shouldn’t have to deal with them just because they’re related to her. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they are entitled to love or respect.

    Have you ever noticed that Google searches pertaining to parental abuse and dealing with toxic family spike around holidays? It’s because people go home to their abusive families because they feel an obligation to, because they’re family. I say fuck that. Toxic is toxic. Those people don’t deserve any love or respect, if they can’t love and respect you.

    4.) A birthday card is not the place to bring up issues. Address your grievances in a separate letter sent a few days later, or over the phone, or when you see the person next. I can tell you where this card would have gone if I’d received it: right in the trash, with a vow to never speak to those spiteful old bastards again.

    5.) A relationship is a two-way street. These grandparents are 100% at fault for not maintaining a relationship with Lindsay (and Lindsay is also 100% at fault.) Sure, Lindsay could have arranged to get together. But so could have they. It’s not hard to pick up a phone and dial a number.

    6.) Lindsay is an adult. Part of being an adult is having autonomy to form your own relationships. She doesn’t need any reason to do so or not to do so. “I don’t want to.” is perfectly fine.

    7.) Manipulation is a form of emotional abuse. NO ONE should have to deal with abuse. People need to know how to recognize and deal with abusers – even, or especially, the ones closest to them – and the way to deal with them is to escape, to cut them out and leave them to wallow in their bubble of hate. “Oh come on, we’re/they’re just kidding! We’re/they’re your family!” is the most insidious sentence ever spoken. It normalizes and excuses abuse and makes it difficult for the abused party to escape the cycle.

    8.) Being passive aggressive will never get you what you want. It just makes you look like an asshole.

    I’m stunned at all these people calling Lindsay selfish and ungrateful. The grandparents sent her this letter as a way to manipulate and guilt her into getting what they want. Aren’t we generally in agreement that that’s a stupid and self-defeating way of doing things?

    I swear, it seems like whenever age is mentioned on the internet, be it extremely young or extremely old, the person is automatically assumed to be the poor, innocent victim in the issue.

    (Whoops, long post is long.)

    May 31, 2014 at 9:09 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   j-train

      I agree with Zairrin.

      The birthday note could have said: “We miss you and want to see you more! We’d love to invite you to dinner/stay for the weekend/a trip to the lake/etc.”

      There’s nothing wrong with my family, we just live all over the country and probably see each other less than once a year. I have cousins I haven’t seen in a decade. I hate talking on the phone. I’m FB friends with the family I like to keep in touch with but not with the assholes. My grandparents are long passed, but even when they were alive they never spent special time with me. They were the old people my parents took me to visit a few times a year. My step grandmother was a total asshole.

      Sometimes you just don’t have a relationship with your family. There’s nothing wrong with that. Really.

      Jun 1, 2014 at 4:01 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Nim

      I agree with the two way street, but that does not mean both are 100% at fault… there’s no 200%. And it is not necessarily 50/50.

      Jun 1, 2014 at 4:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   Zairrin

      Maybe you’re right. I’m just of the opinion that relationships are agreements between people; an agreement wherein both parties are mutually responsible for maintaining said relationship – 100%. But it IS mathematically incorrect, that’s true. :/

      Anyway, the point I was making was that sure, Lindsay didn’t try to get together with her grandparents. But neither did they, so why are people ragging on Lindsay? Shouldn’t both parties be blamed for letting the relationship die?

      (Incidentally, I’m weirded out by people whose grandparents are still alive when they’re out of college! Mine had all died by the time I was 15!)

      Jun 1, 2014 at 5:31 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   kermit

      We can reach the co-ordinates of understanding by simply preforming a rescaling. If the original responsibility vector is [100,100], 0.5[100,100] or any scalar (not just the above 0.5) will get you to the same place.

      My favorite part of this whole comment thread is the inadvertent meta PA of it all. “I have nothing against my relatives” followed by long list of grievances about how they’re horrible people for doing/not doing whatever.

      Geez, at least gave the backbone to admit that you, like Lindsay clearly DO have something against them.

      Jun 1, 2014 at 7:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   Ely

      RIGHT ON.
      So well said, so very true. So straight to the heart of the matter.

      Jun 5, 2014 at 1:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.6   Ely

      RIGHT ON.
      So well said, so very true. So straight to the heart of the matter.

      Jun 5, 2014 at 1:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.7   rate

      Your first two points cancel out each other, just so you know.

      If Lindsay’s grandparents were such horrible people then she would have said something other than “they’re just not that involved with my life.” I don’t know why people are tacking on examples of abuses that Lindsay herself did not even hint at. I suppose for some people “being written out of the will” is a form of abuse. Why is she concerned about inheritance from people who aren’t really that important to her? And was she truly written out of the will or was she just told that by a third party? If she’s not that interested in their lives she wouldn’t know that for sure…unless she’s waiting on the money.

      Jun 5, 2014 at 3:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Zairrin

    Assuming you’re speaking to me, kermit, considering they’re dead, no, I don’t have anything against my grandparents. And that’s kind of a nasty thing to accuse someone of, especially without knowing them.

    My grandmother was a 65+ year old World War Two survivor and later high-ranking veteran (as well as a huge equal rights activist), but with no patience for small, rambunctious children by the time I came along. She exposed her father’s cheating and abusive behaviour so the court would allow her mother to divorce him! She was raised in a goddamned convent because being the child of a divorced mother was a mark of shame in those days. And when the fucking NAZIS dropped bombs on that convent, what did my grandmother do? She started gathering pieces of those bombs to sell for scrap! Because, at only 11 years old, she was the hardest motherfucker, with the stiffest upper lip, in the whole fucking world! She, almost single-handedly, got developmentally delayed children OUT of institutions and INTO schools in Canada! And believe me, I’m heartbroken over the fact that I never got to know her, because she was one of the most amazing women that’s ever lived and my life is lesser from never getting to know her.

    My grandfather was a super-important businessman, but preferred alcohol and golf to babysitting, so I didn’t know him that well either. And my family still cries over him to this day, even though he’s been dead for over ten years, because he was an incredible man. He turned down a promotion that would have put him at the head of the North American branch of a multibillion dollar company because it would require giving up his family (which incidentally saved his life, because his new office would have been in the top floors of the Twin Towers)! He made every single present I got from him by hand because he didn’t believe in buying toys from the store! And he was never without a martini in his hand and a smile on his lips, and he was the most well-loved man I’ve ever known.

    My other grandmother lived hours away and I only saw her maybe twice a year, due to my parents divorcing and having huge, bloodthirsty custody battles over me and my siblings when I was less than a month old. And she was amazing too; her husband died, and her son, who’d just been accepted to a prestigious university, prepared to drop out to get a job and support her. But she told him to get his butt back to school and finish his degree, and got a job at 60 years old and worked until she was 95!

    And my other grandfather died of lung cancer after World War Two when my father was a teenager! But I’ve seen his pilot’s wings and I’ve seen his medals, and I truly, deeply wish I could have known him.

    Believe me, I cry all the time over missing out on knowing these amazing, wonderful people. My family, men and women, was – IS, even – made up of KICK ASS people who didn’t take shit from anybody – and never getting to have a relationship with any of them is one of the few things I regret in life.

    So please kermit, tell me how, exactly, it’s MY FAULT I never had a relationship with my grandparents? What could I possibly have against them? That I was born too late? Hardly their fault. (By the way, nice reading comprehension. Those are criticisms of the accusations going on in the comments, not Lindsay’s or my own situation.) Oh, and, before you bring it up, I didn’t get anything from ANY of my grandparents’ wills.

    Congratu-fucking-lations, kermit. You have a great relationship with your grandparents. Good for you. Now you get to feel smug over people who are clearly not as dutiful and loving a grandchild as you, right?

    Not everyone does have that relationship, and maybe you should consider other people’s experiences may be different than yours before casting aspersions on others. Maybe they wanted that relationship, but couldn’t have it, for one reason or another. Maybe their grandparents died. Maybe their parents were estranged. Maybe their grandparents simply didn’t like kids. Maybe their family is abusive.

    Maybe, maybe, it just didn’t happen. For no particular reason at all, because relationships between people are weird, and some people click, and others can’t stand each other. And maybe YOU should just be happy it DID happen for you.

    TL;DR, go fuck yourself, you judgmental PIECE OF SHIT.

    … I need to cool down. I think I’ll come back to this thread in a day or two. Sorry for losing my temper, everybody. I promise it doesn’t happen often.

    Especially you, kermit. Freaking out at you like that wasn’t cool. :( I was upset and hurt, but lashing out and being nasty wasn’t the right response. I’m really sorry.

    (Aw geez, I’m single-handedly gonna get a character limit imposed on the comments section at this rate!)

    Jun 1, 2014 at 10:29 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   kermit

      Erm, I think I was pretty clear that I was referring to the whole comment thread, not any particular commenter since there’s 70+ comments on this.

      I’m not going to address the rest of your issues or your unwarranted personal attacks against me. That’s not what this comment thread is for.

      And no offense, but you probably should talk to somebody about your anger issues.

      Jun 1, 2014 at 11:41 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   rate

      Amen to that.

      TL;DR, go fuck yourself, you judgmental PIECE OF SHIT.

      That comment is completely uncalled for, no matter who you are. The poster can apologize as much as he/she wants, but he/she still posted it so it’s a sorrynotsorry.

      Jun 5, 2014 at 3:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   assiveProgressive

      Amazing. I hate how the kids use that word nowadays.

      Jun 5, 2014 at 11:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   Zairrin

      You’re right, kermit. My reply to you was made when I was in a pretty bad place and my misunderstanding of your comment was the straw that broke the camel’s back – not that that’s an excuse for my behaviour. (I am seeing a therapist, though.)

      I wrongfully assumed that your comment was aimed at me because it was in a reply to my thread and because I thought the “list of grievances” you mentioned was referring to the list of reasons why I agreed with Lindsay in my original post. I see now that it wasn’t and I was completely out of line when I lashed out at you. Even if your comment HAD been aimed at me, it was wrong of me to respond in the way I did.

      My attack was totally uncalled for, and I’m sincerely sorry.

      Jun 6, 2014 at 8:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Nowaxz

    It’s interesting that many of the comments concern grandparents writing grandkids out of their will, yet the card said *NOTHING* about that. It was Lindsay who claimed they wrote her out. Makes me wonder if that’s not the basis of Lindsay’s relationship for her grandparents — how much cash they dole out to her. Perhaps the grandparent’s have a point?

    Jun 5, 2014 at 10:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Raichu

    Dear Grandma, the affections of your grandchildren are not economical commodities. Also, you are rude.

    Jun 6, 2014 at 2:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   LisaMeowMe

    If she is too busy to maintain a relationship with her Grandparents, then she should be too busy to cash their check…

    What self respecting 30 something takes money from their Grandparents and then bitches about the tone of the card. Blow me…

    Jul 25, 2014 at 12:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up