“I haven’t had a close relationship with my grandparents since I graduated from college 14 years ago,” writes Lindsay in Nashville. “I only see them a couple of times a year, so it’s typically pretty awkward when we get together. I have nothing against them, but they haven’t been involved with my life in so long it’s almost like we’re acquaintances, rather than family.”
This masterpiece is what Lindsay received this year for her birthday.
Adds Lindsay: “They have written me, my sister and my mother out of their will multiple times — though we’re all reinstated now, as far as I know.”
related: Smack! Right in the feels.
97 responses so far ↓
#1
Will
“though we’re all reinstated now, as far as I know.”
Assuming they don’t read this site, that is.
May 28, 2014 at 4:48 pm rating: 90
#2
Ajax
Lindsay’s grandparent sounds lonely. Sad, no matter who’s to blame. Lindsay says she has “nothing against them.” I never thought about my grandparents that way, because I was taught to honor them. They were decent, hardworking people who did their best to bring up decent, hardworking children. It never occurred to me that it was their responsibility to stay “involved with my life” as they aged and I became a responsible adult. Now, twenty-five years after losing them, I’m thankful that I made the effort to stay in their lives by writing to them, calling them and sending photos.
p.s. My grandparents didn’t ever have enough to leave me anything in their wills.
May 28, 2014 at 5:06 pm rating: 92
#3
Jami
“Dear Grandpa & Grandma,
I DON’T dislike you. You have to actually know someone to like them. You’ve simply not been a big part of my life. So I’m apathetic towards you but I don’t hate you.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate the checks. I just wish that when there was a chance we could’ve spent time together and gotten to know each other.
I’m glad that you made a will though. Too many children take advantage of the lack of the will to grab what they want and screw the others.”
May 28, 2014 at 5:48 pm rating: 90
#4
Liz
If someone is writing you out of many versions of a will then chances are they aren’t the kind of grandparent who fosters great relationships with their children and grandchildren. My grandparents weren’t awesome and I saw them a few times a year at most. And spent 90% of those terrible visits hearing the latest gossip about people I had never met or getting whined at because I didn’t visit enough. This is the sort of card my paternal grandmother would have written pretty much verbatim. And like all passive-aggressive communication, it doesn’t exactly foster great relationships.
May 28, 2014 at 7:41 pm rating: 90
#5
Quite Contrary
The only thing that could make this more awkward is if something really did happen to cause the lack of relationship and there’s a really good reason for Lindsay to not like them.
May 28, 2014 at 9:03 pm rating: 90
#6
Laura
Adds Lindsay: “They have written me, my sister and my mother out of their will multiple times — though we’re all reinstated now, as far as I know.”
Hello, red flag! I can’t read this as anything other than the grandparents trying to manipulate their family by buying love with money and then threatening to withhold it – repeatedly. It speaks volumes that Lindsay even knows the content of her grandparents’ will, much less that they’ve changed beneficiaries multiple times as their displeasure waxes and wanes.
I have sympathy for lonely elderly people but this kind of emotional/financial blackmail is really distasteful.
May 28, 2014 at 9:10 pm rating: 90
#7
hbc
“Hey, I know the way to foster a good relationship with our granddaughter: let’s make clear that we think her love is for sale but she’s set the price too high. What could go wrong?”
May 29, 2014 at 7:35 am rating: 90
#8
Nahhh
At least the OP’s grandmother referred to her by the right name. My grandmother had ONE granddaughter, and never got my name right. I think I got maybe five birthday cards from her in my life. Guess who had to take care of her (plus my own kids) as she died slowly from liver cancer?
I would have definitely preferred a guilt-card, so I could send the check back marked “Address unknown.”
May 29, 2014 at 7:52 am rating: 90
#9
Jean Pennie
I feel sad. Being a grandparent has been the greatest thing in my life. If someday my grandkids don’t want a relationship with me, it would break my heart. I still miss very much my own grandparents, who have been gone for 30 years.
May 29, 2014 at 8:51 am rating: 90
#10
Blackadar
Dear Grandmother,
It’s notes like that which are the reason I dislike spending time with you.
Sincerely,
Lindsay
May 29, 2014 at 10:28 am rating: 90
#11
Phoenix
Kermit-
You’re coming across as extremely judgmental, based on really limited information. I’d ask you to step back and stop basing everything you’re saying on YOUR life experiences.
I’ve gotten similar notes from my grandmother, because she knows how to make herself look good. I’ve never had a relationship with her either- mostly because she abandoned her family when my mom was 14 and came back when I was two years old when she went flat broke. She never had anything to do with any of us, then twenty years later she asks why nobody treats her like a grandma.
Well, it’s kind of hard to address all that in your post to PA notes if I’d uploaded my grandmother’s notes. So I guess you’d think I’m greedy, ungrateful and all the other things you’ve insinuated about OP. Because a PA note from one side of the issue rarely puts in context, and submitting a hilariously over the top PA does not prompt one to psychoanalyize their own life for the benefit of the comment section.
TL:DR version: this was posted by someone for your enjoyment at the marvelously over the top PA nature of the note. You are not owed a lengthy defense of the poster, nor are you asked to weigh in on someone else’s family history. Never assume you know someone else’s life, or that you can interpret it based on a few sentences they post online for humorous effect. You’ve never met these people.
May 29, 2014 at 10:50 am rating: 90
#12
ramentastic
Between this and all the other “my family is so shittily PA” threads, I feel like we need a PAN Commenters Support Group for F*cked up Families. I’m always interested to read the wide variety of family interactions and relationships that come up in these comment threads.
May 29, 2014 at 3:48 pm rating: 90
#13
e
I’ve been reading P.A.Notes for years and this is the most disgusting, attention-whoring, single thing. I would love for the recipient to shred it and package the shreds and send them back.
May 29, 2014 at 6:47 pm rating: 90
#14
NurseL
This is really sad. Lindsay, go visit your grandparents. They are obviously lonely and miss you. You are their family and they deserve respect.
May 29, 2014 at 7:14 pm rating: 90
#15
DWAI
My wife has notes from her grandparents in the same fashion that would put this to shame. Notes dating back to childhood until present. I am going to leave this open and ask if I can post them.
May 29, 2014 at 10:08 pm rating: 90
#16
assiveProgressive
So… When exactly is it OK to cut off a relative. I have been dutifully giving my niece Christmas and birthday presents, and then not hearing from her. I know next to nothing about her since when I do see her she is texting or playing games. Should I also cut her out of my will and just leave any monies to an animal charity? According to the threads here, I should, because neither one of us has bothered to get to know the other, and I really think she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me.
May 29, 2014 at 11:35 pm rating: 90
#17
Cady
“Dear Grandparents, I don’t know you well enough to dislike you. If you’d like to remedy that, let’s meet for coffee sometime. Otherwise, have a nice life before you die.”
May 30, 2014 at 3:32 am rating: 90
#18
Fritz-the-Cat
You are all pretty weird. If my grandparents would send me a note, asking “what did we do that you hate us”, my first reaction would be “what did I do that they think I hate them”. And no, I wasn’t particularly close to mine, and I wasn’t the most attentive grandchild (though not the worst, either).
As Lindsey did, we just sort of drifted into our own worlds.
But still, they never had to ask me if I hated them.
Also, I didn’t get anything from them in their will – it all went to their children, my parents and their siblings, which is perfectly fine by me since THEY were the ones to care for them when they grew too old.
I wonder, if Lindsey hadn’t written the part about the will in this submission, if you all would’ve reacted the way you did and went all “team Lindsey”, or if Kermit would have had more supporters of her/his views. Because it’s the grandparent’s will, and if they want to scribe in grandchildren or homeless cats, it’s their own damn business. Why should they put someone IN the will who’s not part of their life? So being IN the will is actually a lot for Lindsey and her siblings/cousins if they all have little or no relationship to the grandparents at all.
So I’m not sorry to say that instead of sending the card here, Lindsey should maybe consider a change in attitude one way or the other.
Jeez, you all have weird views, I must say.
May 30, 2014 at 2:04 pm rating: 90
#19
uncreative
If the grandparents were being reasonable, they probably would never have mentioned their will in the first place. The only reasons to tell people about what’s in your will in advance are to either get opinions to avoid hard feelings (for example, my parents have had some discussions with my siblings and myself about which particular items we care about – we don’t all have the same sentimental attachments and this better allowed items to be divided up such that everyone gets things that are meaningful to them) or to make sure everyone knows what will happen in the hopes of a smoother, easier transition (like showing people where certain documents or items are kept in advance).
The aspects of your will that are simple, you should keep private. So, writing people into and out of your will is your business. But that the family knows about it makes it seem like it was done to manipulate people. If you change your will often, it’d be best to just not bring it up or if you already have and want to clear up false impressions say, “You know, I’m not sure how I want to set up my will… it’s going to change at times.”
So, before you can write this info off you have to ask: Why do they know they’ve been written in and out of it? Why did the grandparents tell them?
And it’s a lot easier to answer that with, because the grandparents are obnoxious (not necessarily horrible, evil people, but at least kind of annoying) than it is to think up sensible justifications.
May 30, 2014 at 5:42 pm rating: 90
#20
Nikki
If we just take Lindsay’s comments from before the picture, I say that, once you become an adult, you have to take on an adult-level of responsibility for maintaining relationships. If you can sign a lease/morgage, you can be the one to call, make arrangements for a visit, send cards, etc. if you want to maintain the relationship. It’s hard and we have a multitude of things demanding our time and attention. But I tell you what, if my Grandma were still alive, you bet I’d at least be trying to have a connection, even though I now live nearly 1,000 miles away. But, my Grandma kicked some serious a**. She was the picture of what you would hope for in a grandparent–quick to laugh, always there to listen, made sure she had a supply your favorite snacks and drinks if you were coming to visit… really just one of the nicest damn people I’ve ever known. Even with 15 grandchildren and almost 20 great-grandchildren, I always felt special to her and I hope she knew how much she meant to me. I loved her a ton. Even though she didn’t like pizza.
May 30, 2014 at 6:18 pm rating: 90
#21
Nope
Wow, this screams millennial. (I’m one too, don’t you worry.) You’re an adult now, and 14 years out of college puts you somewhere in your 30s — TIME TO GROW UP! Your grandparents are part of the reason why you are on this earth. YOU should reach out to them. If they’re sending you checks at this age, I can only guess they have been doing it in some form or another your entire life. Make time for them, visit them. They don’t have to be your best friend to have a relationship with them, and as for the awkwardness, it’s called a generation gap. Bridge it yourself, and show your appreciation to them while you can because they won’t always be there. I hope you at least grace them with a lengthy phone call of thanks for sending you a check, if nothing else.
May 31, 2014 at 3:06 pm rating: 90
#22
Lisa
Sometimes grandparents are just shitty people. I was lucky to have three awesome grandparents, one who was kind of awesome until I happened to find out after he died that he was basically a rapist, and then two step-grandparents (both remarried to my grandparents before I was born) that didn’t seem to care much about me and my brother either way. My one grandpa died before my step-grandma and she was very bitter my grandpa died and focused her bitterness on my brother and me, and got us mostly written out of the will in a process that, based on dates, must have been initiated before my grandfather’s body was cold. We’d always had a good relationship but apparently that was more based on “I’m being nice to you because it’s important to your grandfather” rather than any sort of legitimate affection. The will thing, regarding the money, wasn’t a huge deal. And I sure wasn’t surprised, and I’m pretty sure I could even have challenged it successfully. But for all the love she always claimed to have for us and for my deceased mother, she sure was happy to shift our share of the inheritance to her blood relations. I was just mad because it felt like a betrayal of my mother more than anything.
Blah blah blah.
Long story short, old people can be pretty shitty.
May 31, 2014 at 5:06 pm rating: 90
#23
assiveProgressive
My mother was always going to this or that holiday party, birthday party and all types of family functions. She would send everybody a card and all the kids would get some amount of money or a present, even if it was a token amount. Some of those kids are now in their 30s or teens and of course they don’t call, write or anything. (She can’t attend parties anymore.) I told her a few years ago to stop including the gifts (why bother, I said), so she just sends a card. Out of all of those relatives — numerous nieces, nephews, grandkids, great-grandkids from her 2nd husband’s family — just 2 of the nieces send her a gift. Age-appropriate stuff for a very old lady. Nothing expensive, but it’s nice to get a package in the mail. I’m glad their mother raised them right.
May 31, 2014 at 6:49 pm rating: 90
#24
Zairrin
I’m Team Lindsay for a few reasons.
1.) There are only a couple of reasons to talk about who’s in the will and who’s out of the will, and I highly doubt that, in this case, it’s for a benign reason.
These grandparents strike me as the type to use the will as a way to manipulate their children and grandchildren, constantly writing them in and out because of some (perceived or not) slight. People who do this are manipulative abusers who see their money as a way to control their loved ones. “Be nice to me, or you won’t get anything!”? Fuck that!
2.) Nobody OWES anything to anyone else. “They gave birth to you/raised you/gave you X, Y, and Z!” I hear you say. These are the terms of an unspoken bargain: They did X for you, so now you have to do Y. Which is, of course, shit.
They CHOSE to do those things, with the condition that they would be rewarded for doing so some time down the line. I didn’t agree to this bargain, and will not uphold “my end” of it.
It is the height of selfishness to do something for the express purpose of getting something in return. (Example: Having a child so you’ll have someone to take care of you when you’re old. Selfish and cruel.)
3.) Just because they’re grandparents doesn’t mean they’re GOOD grandparents. Not everyone has grandparents that are basically blue-haired Mother Teresa. Having grand/children doesn’t make you a good person. There are shitty people of all ages in the world, and Lindsay shouldn’t have to deal with them just because they’re related to her. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they are entitled to love or respect.
Have you ever noticed that Google searches pertaining to parental abuse and dealing with toxic family spike around holidays? It’s because people go home to their abusive families because they feel an obligation to, because they’re family. I say fuck that. Toxic is toxic. Those people don’t deserve any love or respect, if they can’t love and respect you.
4.) A birthday card is not the place to bring up issues. Address your grievances in a separate letter sent a few days later, or over the phone, or when you see the person next. I can tell you where this card would have gone if I’d received it: right in the trash, with a vow to never speak to those spiteful old bastards again.
5.) A relationship is a two-way street. These grandparents are 100% at fault for not maintaining a relationship with Lindsay (and Lindsay is also 100% at fault.) Sure, Lindsay could have arranged to get together. But so could have they. It’s not hard to pick up a phone and dial a number.
6.) Lindsay is an adult. Part of being an adult is having autonomy to form your own relationships. She doesn’t need any reason to do so or not to do so. “I don’t want to.” is perfectly fine.
7.) Manipulation is a form of emotional abuse. NO ONE should have to deal with abuse. People need to know how to recognize and deal with abusers – even, or especially, the ones closest to them – and the way to deal with them is to escape, to cut them out and leave them to wallow in their bubble of hate. “Oh come on, we’re/they’re just kidding! We’re/they’re your family!” is the most insidious sentence ever spoken. It normalizes and excuses abuse and makes it difficult for the abused party to escape the cycle.
8.) Being passive aggressive will never get you what you want. It just makes you look like an asshole.
I’m stunned at all these people calling Lindsay selfish and ungrateful. The grandparents sent her this letter as a way to manipulate and guilt her into getting what they want. Aren’t we generally in agreement that that’s a stupid and self-defeating way of doing things?
I swear, it seems like whenever age is mentioned on the internet, be it extremely young or extremely old, the person is automatically assumed to be the poor, innocent victim in the issue.
(Whoops, long post is long.)
May 31, 2014 at 9:09 pm rating: 90
#25
Zairrin
Assuming you’re speaking to me, kermit, considering they’re dead, no, I don’t have anything against my grandparents. And that’s kind of a nasty thing to accuse someone of, especially without knowing them.
My grandmother was a 65+ year old World War Two survivor and later high-ranking veteran (as well as a huge equal rights activist), but with no patience for small, rambunctious children by the time I came along. She exposed her father’s cheating and abusive behaviour so the court would allow her mother to divorce him! She was raised in a goddamned convent because being the child of a divorced mother was a mark of shame in those days. And when the fucking NAZIS dropped bombs on that convent, what did my grandmother do? She started gathering pieces of those bombs to sell for scrap! Because, at only 11 years old, she was the hardest motherfucker, with the stiffest upper lip, in the whole fucking world! She, almost single-handedly, got developmentally delayed children OUT of institutions and INTO schools in Canada! And believe me, I’m heartbroken over the fact that I never got to know her, because she was one of the most amazing women that’s ever lived and my life is lesser from never getting to know her.
My grandfather was a super-important businessman, but preferred alcohol and golf to babysitting, so I didn’t know him that well either. And my family still cries over him to this day, even though he’s been dead for over ten years, because he was an incredible man. He turned down a promotion that would have put him at the head of the North American branch of a multibillion dollar company because it would require giving up his family (which incidentally saved his life, because his new office would have been in the top floors of the Twin Towers)! He made every single present I got from him by hand because he didn’t believe in buying toys from the store! And he was never without a martini in his hand and a smile on his lips, and he was the most well-loved man I’ve ever known.
My other grandmother lived hours away and I only saw her maybe twice a year, due to my parents divorcing and having huge, bloodthirsty custody battles over me and my siblings when I was less than a month old. And she was amazing too; her husband died, and her son, who’d just been accepted to a prestigious university, prepared to drop out to get a job and support her. But she told him to get his butt back to school and finish his degree, and got a job at 60 years old and worked until she was 95!
And my other grandfather died of lung cancer after World War Two when my father was a teenager! But I’ve seen his pilot’s wings and I’ve seen his medals, and I truly, deeply wish I could have known him.
Believe me, I cry all the time over missing out on knowing these amazing, wonderful people. My family, men and women, was – IS, even – made up of KICK ASS people who didn’t take shit from anybody – and never getting to have a relationship with any of them is one of the few things I regret in life.
So please kermit, tell me how, exactly, it’s MY FAULT I never had a relationship with my grandparents? What could I possibly have against them? That I was born too late? Hardly their fault. (By the way, nice reading comprehension. Those are criticisms of the accusations going on in the comments, not Lindsay’s or my own situation.) Oh, and, before you bring it up, I didn’t get anything from ANY of my grandparents’ wills.
Congratu-fucking-lations, kermit. You have a great relationship with your grandparents. Good for you. Now you get to feel smug over people who are clearly not as dutiful and loving a grandchild as you, right?
Not everyone does have that relationship, and maybe you should consider other people’s experiences may be different than yours before casting aspersions on others. Maybe they wanted that relationship, but couldn’t have it, for one reason or another. Maybe their grandparents died. Maybe their parents were estranged. Maybe their grandparents simply didn’t like kids. Maybe their family is abusive.
Maybe, maybe, it just didn’t happen. For no particular reason at all, because relationships between people are weird, and some people click, and others can’t stand each other. And maybe YOU should just be happy it DID happen for you.
TL;DR, go fuck yourself, you judgmental PIECE OF SHIT.
… I need to cool down. I think I’ll come back to this thread in a day or two. Sorry for losing my temper, everybody. I promise it doesn’t happen often.
Especially you, kermit. Freaking out at you like that wasn’t cool.
I was upset and hurt, but lashing out and being nasty wasn’t the right response. I’m really sorry.
(Aw geez, I’m single-handedly gonna get a character limit imposed on the comments section at this rate!)
Jun 1, 2014 at 10:29 pm rating: 90
#26
Nowaxz
It’s interesting that many of the comments concern grandparents writing grandkids out of their will, yet the card said *NOTHING* about that. It was Lindsay who claimed they wrote her out. Makes me wonder if that’s not the basis of Lindsay’s relationship for her grandparents — how much cash they dole out to her. Perhaps the grandparent’s have a point?
Jun 5, 2014 at 10:34 pm rating: 90
#27
Raichu
Dear Grandma, the affections of your grandchildren are not economical commodities. Also, you are rude.
Jun 6, 2014 at 2:13 pm rating: 90
#28
LisaMeowMe
If she is too busy to maintain a relationship with her Grandparents, then she should be too busy to cash their check…
What self respecting 30 something takes money from their Grandparents and then bitches about the tone of the card. Blow me…
Jul 25, 2014 at 12:10 am rating: 90
#29
golf tips
A motivating discussion is definitely worth comment. I do
think that you should write more about this subject, it might not be a taboo subject but typically folks don’t discuss such issues.
To the next! Best wishes!!
Feb 2, 2015 at 3:14 am rating: 90
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