I live in an apartment building and I remember one late night when I heard someone in the hallway banging on one of the doors, angrily screaming for (who I assume was) his (possibly ex-)girlfriend to “OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, CAROLINE” over and over and I wasn’t sure whether I should call the cops or just let him murder her and get it over with because then he would probably stop and never come back.
This occurs pretty much weekly in my building. The women always threaten to call the cops but never do, or just deny all and defend their scumbag boyfriends if someone else does. Apart from making sure to get a good long look at the woman-beater so I can back the women up if they do decide to press charges, there’s not much you can do. That said, I’m used to living in the ghetto and can sleep through pretty much anything.
Wow, that was sadder than I thought it was going to be. Allow me to counteract the killjoy by telling you all about the time when someone called the police when I was yelling at the cat for stealing my cheese bread. The cats were on a hunger strike because I was broke and had to buy shitty store-brand kibbles instead of the seafood-middle Meow Mix. I just ignored it, figuring the cats would eventually get hungry enough to eat the crappy cat food. They didn’t, and were being really loud and annoying and not letting me sleep, so I was kind of irritable. Anyhow, one of the little fuckers ended up launching itself at me from on top of the cupboards and managed to snatch my stick of cheese bread just as I was about to take a bite of it, and went underneath the bed so I couldn’t reach her. I guess I was yelling and swearing loud enough that someone on my floor assumed there was some kind of domestic incident in progress (I’m usually quiet)… Explaining that to the cop at my door was interesting to say the least.
I read it in the tone of Buffy-speak and/or kvetching, e.g. “Oi, now, again with the motorcycle, and the crying!”
It makes for bloody awkward syntax, but I’m willing to cut Everyone within a 3-fucking block radius some slack, on account of them being jarred awake at 4:30 AM.
Hmmm – I like the idea that she’s been fucking a whiny Transformer who turns into a motorcycle. You can hear his crying as he rides off alone into the darkness. Decepticons have nothing on a broken heart.
Well the only motorcycle Transformer that comes to mind is Arcee. I’m sure there were others, but they’re lost in the mists of childhood. She was portrayed as a female Autobot, so that adds an interesting twist to it.
See, originally I read it as a fucking block, but then everyone would have been used to being woken up at 4:30am with all the sex. So, you’re obviously right, and it’s a number.
Doesn’t Poltergeist have a fluffer and a cameraman on speed-dial? We can make this happen. Somebody go get Tesselara – we need a negligee and some wood.
3-fucking block radius could apply to the Russian guy who used to live across the hall from me. When he brought home girls, you could hear them in a 3-fucking block radius. I once came very close to phoning the police, because this girl was screaming like she was in a hell of a lot of pain. Like, not for jokes. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I ever saw his face.
She wasn’t screaming help, or any other word. Just screaming like you would if you were being repeatedly stabbed by some random dude you went home with after a night out.
I dunno, the Russian and Eastern European neighbors I’ve had have been pretty decent and quiet folks, but then again they had families and young children.
The freakiest and most disturbing romps I’ve been an auditory witness to is my ex-Chinese housemate. The dude was kinda creepy and gross (in that greasy James Franco way, eww), messy as all get out and sexist to boot. His ditzy girlfriend uttered sounds so high pitched and shrieking that I bet every single dog within a 3-fucking block radius hated her guts. I don’t know what they hell they were doing in their bedroom other than slamming their entire bodies against the wall, testing out Zeno’s paradox.
Concentration will only get you as far as Japanese. I don’t know what you need to do to become Chinese. And quite frankly, there’s more than enough Chinese people as it is.
I read it as he cries loudly and also has a motorcycle. I realise the motorcycle reference is rather awkwardly tagged on for no reason but perhaps when you’re woken up at 4:30 AM you just have to get things down on paper ASAP before you fall back asleep/forget what you were doing. I know it’s how I write notes after being awoken in the early hours.
I read it the same way but I must say, I live/have lived in apartment complexes where you definitely know when the people with the motorcycles (or Mustangs) are coming and going, especially if they’re shift workers and/or drunk. Add to that any loud vocalizations such as crying or singing and you just lie there and think about apartment life and what you are experiencing because you’re too lazy to do anything about it.
This reminds me of the time I thought my neighbors were having a drunken argument at midnight & went to call the non-emergency police line only to switch at the last moment to 911 when the male half of this fine heterosexual couple began shrieking “you fucking stabbed me! Are you serious? Are you fucking serious? You fucking stabbed me!” Good times.
We called 911 when the bikini-clad neighbor I mentioned before came pounding on the door at midnight because her husband was chasing her and their 2-year-old with a loaded gun. Didn’t know about the gun until we opened the door and let her in. Then he threw something against our huge front window and sped away. They drove home together from court the next day and they’ve been inseparable every since. I love a happy ending.
Wow, those are some parents of the year right there. The father should have automatically lost the right to be anywhere near his child ever again, and the stupid mother should have been banned from bringing her child anywhere near that violent moron with the threat of losing custody herself if she did.
I tried to get her to get the restraining order but she said she was too scared. I told her that’s exactly why she needs it. She told me something even more shocking…when she was pregnant with their child, a SWAT team surrounded the house when he threatened her with a gun. She managed to call 911 from the bathroom or something, so he wasn’t aware that they were on the way. They’ve moved away and gone on to have another baby since then. She stopped communicating with me shortly after that. I think she’s not allowed to contact me anymore because she and I talk about his crazy – at least I hope that’s why I haven’t heard from her.
That’s awful. It’s unfortunate that you can’t really help somebody who doesn’t want to help themself. I’m just going to imagine that the fuckhead accidentally shot himself during his next inevitable rampage, survived, and then got hit by a bus driven by his wife.
I am torn, I may love some of the comments even more than the letter!
But I sure don’t miss apartment living, that’s for sure. Was also my only 911 call in my life, while living in an apartment building, drunk neighbor we buzzed in who couldn’t get in to his place across the hall…I don’t remember now why we thought he’d break in to our place, but we were going to blind him with Windex if he did break in. Cops got there first, though..
Reminds me of the time I lived in a very small apartment building atop a bar. It was definitely shady and I had neighbors, a couple, who were very passionate about their relationship (for better or for worse). The woman once stripped in the hallway as the man, apparently in a drugged daze, told me my apartment “did not exist” anymore. My favorite memory of them was when they had a blow out fight at 4 am that ended in her running down the hallway as he followed, shouting sadly, “Why do you always make me chase you? Why?”
Team note writer. But good for Kayla on finding true love.
In grad school I lived in a small, quiet apartment building on a residential street that had only one other apartment building on it, right across the street. Everything was kosher and QUIET until this one couple moved in. Coming to my house one day, a friend commented that she saw them outside and knew them, the man worked for her cousin’s restaurant, and that was him (nearly 30) and his 19-year-old girlfriend. I commented that they were prone to getting in loud fights in the yard at insane hours and she just rolled her eyes and said “well, you just have to wait for them to get evicted.”
Due to their propensity for these kinds of fights, many of our respectable neighbors called the police on them. During one of these lights-and-sirens responses, they apparently spied me peeking out of my blinds to see what in tarnation was going on. That made me a marked woman. The very next night I woke up to loud thumping against the side of my house and peeked out the blinds to see them throwing pinecones at my window at 3 AM. That time, I did call the police (I had not been the caller on any previous occasions). I suffered about a month of them blocking my driveway, blasting music, throwing (even more) pinecones, and otherwise being dicks to me because they thought I was the one who called the police on them that one time (out of many). Fortunately, as my friend predicted, they were summarily evicted in short order.
Honestly, no matter how hard you threw an acorn, I probably wouldn’t notice. They took what was available, and since we had a large pine tree in the front yard, the pine cones were there for them to drunkenly toss at my window…
Who throws pine cones? How dare you impugn the fighting tactics of Chip and Dale against the selfish tyrant Donald Duck! They’ll have you know that pine cones make excellent artillery fire.
My spouse and I once had an argument over my use of Pine-Sol. She was pissed off because the smell of Pine-Sol reminded her of her childhood. Anyway, voices were raised and I’m sure the neighbors got an earful. If she could have thrown pine cones at me, I’m sure she would have So, anyhoo, as one who has been in the midst of nutty, loud scream fests, with my spouse and my family, let me tell, you, it doesn’t take much to set some people off.
Aye, Kayla discovered the joys of true love with Josh, dumping the drunk, crying, motorcycle-driving anonymous person.
I am assuming that Josh is typically less drunk, weepy, and prone to drive motorcycles; and that may have something to do with Kayla’s change in affections…but that’s just wild conjecture on my part.
He definitely isn’t as anonymous, though.
Back in the day, when I had my first roomie, he and his girlfriend had one of those psychopassionate relationships. One time they were arguing in the bathroom, and he left. She, obviously NOT finished arguing, came out of the bathroom nekkid and dripping and proceeded to continue the argument as if I was not there.
On another occasion, they were arguing before he had to leave for work. She, again nekkid, apparently not willing to let the argument drop, wrapped herself in a towel and followed him down the street for a block, all the time yelling after him.
Nighttime was much more peaceful and only occasionally interrupted by loud (-ish) sex.
I have a landscape neighbor who like to mow his lawn at 7:30am any day of the week, sometimes on Saturday. He doesn’t mind doing it when there it’s drizzling or light rain either.
"When fridge thieves die, they join a circle of hell where, in the grandest Sisyphean style, they do a long day's work , get hungry as hell, go to grab their food, and it's gone! On some, especially hellish days, their food will be there, but someone will take it out of their hands right as they are about to take the first bite."
74 responses so far ↓
#1
FeRD
I love a good drama, sure. But I love a good comedy even more, and man does this deliver!
Aug 5, 2014 at 12:26 pm rating: 75
#2
RedDelicious
Team note writer. Sleep is sacred, silence is golden.
Aug 5, 2014 at 12:47 pm rating: 56
#3
Roto13
I live in an apartment building and I remember one late night when I heard someone in the hallway banging on one of the doors, angrily screaming for (who I assume was) his (possibly ex-)girlfriend to “OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, CAROLINE” over and over and I wasn’t sure whether I should call the cops or just let him murder her and get it over with because then he would probably stop and never come back.
Aug 5, 2014 at 12:51 pm rating: 58
#4
pooham
At first I read it as “the loud crying motorcycle,” thinking the writer was referring to a crotch rocket. (Is that still a term?)
Aug 5, 2014 at 1:07 pm rating: 10
#5
kermit
The one thing missing in this scenario is a hairy Italian Bronx man blaring an ominous Mahler concerto from his record player by the window.
Aug 5, 2014 at 1:26 pm rating: 13
#6
Poltergeist
3-fucking is my new favorite number.
Aug 5, 2014 at 1:27 pm rating: 44
#7
Ruby
Did Kayla send this in? Does she want to elaborate?
(‘Cause notewriter is right, we all love a good dramaaaaaaa!)
Aug 5, 2014 at 1:27 pm rating: 9
#8
Katherine
Took me a while, but I believe it’s loud crying/motorcycle. Meaning that the crying is loud and the motorcycle is also loud. Yes?
Aug 5, 2014 at 2:06 pm rating: 22
#9
Quite Contrary
Best. Note. Ever.
Aug 5, 2014 at 6:55 pm rating: 22
#10
yep here too
Sounds like two houses down only they are around 3 am.
Aug 5, 2014 at 8:52 pm rating: 3
#11
Cady
This reminds me of the time I thought my neighbors were having a drunken argument at midnight & went to call the non-emergency police line only to switch at the last moment to 911 when the male half of this fine heterosexual couple began shrieking “you fucking stabbed me! Are you serious? Are you fucking serious? You fucking stabbed me!” Good times.
Aug 5, 2014 at 9:06 pm rating: 45
#12
Arathael
I am torn, I may love some of the comments even more than the letter!
But I sure don’t miss apartment living, that’s for sure. Was also my only 911 call in my life, while living in an apartment building, drunk neighbor we buzzed in who couldn’t get in to his place across the hall…I don’t remember now why we thought he’d break in to our place, but we were going to blind him with Windex if he did break in. Cops got there first, though..
Aug 6, 2014 at 12:02 am rating: 8
#13
thejoff
Reminds me of the time I lived in a very small apartment building atop a bar. It was definitely shady and I had neighbors, a couple, who were very passionate about their relationship (for better or for worse). The woman once stripped in the hallway as the man, apparently in a drugged daze, told me my apartment “did not exist” anymore. My favorite memory of them was when they had a blow out fight at 4 am that ended in her running down the hallway as he followed, shouting sadly, “Why do you always make me chase you? Why?”
Team note writer. But good for Kayla on finding true love.
Aug 6, 2014 at 4:32 am rating: 32
#14
JoDa
Memories, misty water-colored memories…
In grad school I lived in a small, quiet apartment building on a residential street that had only one other apartment building on it, right across the street. Everything was kosher and QUIET until this one couple moved in. Coming to my house one day, a friend commented that she saw them outside and knew them, the man worked for her cousin’s restaurant, and that was him (nearly 30) and his 19-year-old girlfriend. I commented that they were prone to getting in loud fights in the yard at insane hours and she just rolled her eyes and said “well, you just have to wait for them to get evicted.”
Due to their propensity for these kinds of fights, many of our respectable neighbors called the police on them. During one of these lights-and-sirens responses, they apparently spied me peeking out of my blinds to see what in tarnation was going on. That made me a marked woman. The very next night I woke up to loud thumping against the side of my house and peeked out the blinds to see them throwing pinecones at my window at 3 AM. That time, I did call the police (I had not been the caller on any previous occasions). I suffered about a month of them blocking my driveway, blasting music, throwing (even more) pinecones, and otherwise being dicks to me because they thought I was the one who called the police on them that one time (out of many). Fortunately, as my friend predicted, they were summarily evicted in short order.
Aug 6, 2014 at 7:35 pm rating: 17
#15
drew
Okay,
I’m confused about this note. Can someone explain what’s going on here?
My impression is that there’s been a lot of drama because Kayla is dumping her current boyfriend for Josh. Is that accurate?
WTF?
Any help is appreciated.
Aug 8, 2014 at 3:31 pm rating: 0
#16
suzette
Ah, to be filed under the category: Is this True Love or Just a Felony!
Aug 8, 2014 at 11:46 pm rating: 4
#17
labdude
Back in the day, when I had my first roomie, he and his girlfriend had one of those psychopassionate relationships. One time they were arguing in the bathroom, and he left. She, obviously NOT finished arguing, came out of the bathroom nekkid and dripping and proceeded to continue the argument as if I was not there.
On another occasion, they were arguing before he had to leave for work. She, again nekkid, apparently not willing to let the argument drop, wrapped herself in a towel and followed him down the street for a block, all the time yelling after him.
Nighttime was much more peaceful and only occasionally interrupted by loud (-ish) sex.
Aug 11, 2014 at 2:42 pm rating: 1
#18
assiveProgressive
The neighbors who saw her in a towel should have written a PA note
Aug 11, 2014 at 2:53 pm rating: 2
#19
dude
I have a landscape neighbor who like to mow his lawn at 7:30am any day of the week, sometimes on Saturday. He doesn’t mind doing it when there it’s drizzling or light rain either.
Dec 30, 2014 at 12:44 pm rating: 0
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