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What if God were a cyclist?

September 15th, 2014 · 26 comments

Glen found this magnificent notice attached to a lamppost on 4th & Jackson in San Jose.

Stolen!!! You stole my bike! Yeah you did. You came up and grabbed it and knew exactly where it was so I know your (sic) around this 'hood! Seen me riding it before too huh!?! Just wait till (sic) I see YOU riding it! I'll call the cops real quick homie! Oh wait, you sold it? Not likely, it didn't ride very well and the parts were hella old. Doubt anyone wants it anyway, probably won't get you that much. So just bring it back and I'll give you some recyclables. Turn to doing good or face the wrath of GOD!!!

related: I hope you step on a Lego!

 

FILED UNDER: bicycle · God · San Jose · spelling and grammar police


26 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Kathlynn

    That’s mild compared to the note that I wanted to leave. Then again my bike was in mint condition and cost at least $400.

    Sep 16, 2014 at 3:31 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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    • #1.1   The Beast Among Us

      I do not like thieves of any sort, but bike thievery is an incredibly petty and low thing to do. Most bike thieves just steal it simply because they’re assholes, not because they know what it’s worth. Chances are, they either repainted it and are riding it, or they sold it for $20 at a pawn shop.

      Sep 16, 2014 at 2:16 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #2   James

    *you’re

    Sep 16, 2014 at 3:46 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #3   underwatervulcan

    Despite the string of pathetic ultra white suburbanite responses like, “I’ll call the cops real quick homie!”, I do appreciate that someone found a use for the Watchtower other than rolling it up to discipline my little snugglefucker when he uses my shoes as chew toys.

    Sep 16, 2014 at 8:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #4   The Elf

    I love how notewriter failed to actually describe the stolen bike in question. He must have realized his mistake as he was posting it, because he wrote “BIKE IS GREEN” on the side. But which shade, notewriter?

    Sep 16, 2014 at 9:59 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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    • #4.1   pooham

      He might have printed the signs in color at first, but then discovered black & white is much less. I only know b/c we just posted flyers around the neighborhood when I lost my daughter’s cat while babysitting him.

      Sep 16, 2014 at 2:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #4.2   The Elf

      Don’t you try to inject logic into this, pooham!

      Sep 17, 2014 at 7:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #4.3   pooham

      My apologies Elf. :-/

      Sep 17, 2014 at 11:36 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #5   The Elf

    Has appealing to God for good behavior ever worked? If the thief is Christian, then they’ve clearly reconciled themselves with violating the commandments (thou shalt not steal). Your threat will ring hollow. If they follow another faith or are agnostic/atheist, then they aren’t particularly worried about the wrath of the Christian God.

    And does God really care about a stolen bike? There are starving people in the world, the ebola outbreak, war unfolding…. let me just take a couple of minutes to deal with that stolen bike situation. WRATH BE UPON YOU, STEALER OF A BIKE THAT DOESN’T RIDE WELL AND WHOSE PARTS ARE HELLA OLD.

    Sep 16, 2014 at 10:05 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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    • #5.1   RedDelicious

      Believing in a high power, personally, I think God cares about everything, even the bike getting stolen. He talks about knowing and being concerned when even a sparrow falls from the sky, so something happening to one of his more intelligent creations, I’m willing to be he gives a shit. That aside, I’d be willing to bet He probably has something better in store for that person if they’re willing to relinquish their bad feelings, forgive the person who did it, and walk into a future without hate in their heart. But that’s the caveat. Chances are, especially considering this is PAN, there’s a lot of hate there.
      So, long explaination short, invoking the wrath of God, in almost any situation, really, is pretty much pointless, including this one.
      (P.S., this isn’t a religious rant, this is coming from a study of philosophy and logic. So before you get started, please calm down.)

      Sep 16, 2014 at 1:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #6   Jami

    You ever wonder if God just sits there looking at humanity and says, “You people have chosen to go to war, killing each other over things I never fucking said, letting your fellow humans starve, allowing puppy mills to exist, watching Toddlers In Tiaras – and you expect me to care about someone who stole a pretty shitty bike? Dude, I’ll get you a job so you can afford a better bike. LET IT GO! Fuck this, I’m going to binge watch Doctor Who. I have all the lost episodes and you don’t!” *blows raspberry*

    Sep 16, 2014 at 10:23 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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    • #6.1   pooham

      I’ve always had a problem with a god that would sentence someone to an eternity in hell for sins committed during this short, temporary life.

      And my daughter and I were laughing about the biblical story where the people were working together and cooperating and efficiently building this tower to heaven. So god punished them by making everyone speak different languages thereby making it difficult for them to understand each other and work together.

      Sep 16, 2014 at 11:39 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #6.2   Jami

      The story of The Tower Of Babel isn’t about God punishing them for working together but rather that they were building a tower in an attempt to reach Heaven and God. He/She punished them for that. Kind of like how the gods and goddesses on Mt. Olympus would kill anyone who tried to climb to the top of their mountain.

      I think as far as Hell goes, it depends on the sin. Hitler, Stalin, Ted Bundy, Osama, Fred Phelps, etc – fuck yeah, they’re in Hell. That gay atheist dude who volunteers with abused children that lives down the street? He’s going to Heaven.

      Sep 16, 2014 at 2:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #6.3   Jami

      The story of The Tower Of Babel isn’t about God punishing them for working together but rather that they were building a tower in an attempt to reach Heaven and God. He/She punished them for that. Kind of like how the gods and goddesses on Mt. Olympus would kill anyone who tried to climb to the top of their mountain.

      I think as far as Hell goes, it depends on the sin. Hitler, Stalin, Ted Bundy, Osama, Fred Phelps, etc – fuck yeah, they’re in Hell. That gay atheist dude who volunteers with abused children that lives down the street? He’s going to Heaven.

      Sep 16, 2014 at 2:14 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #6.4   pooham

      Jami, we just thought it was funny that god decided to do something horribly detrimental as a punishment instead of something appropriately suited to the sin and constructive at the same time.

      Sep 16, 2014 at 4:07 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #6.5   Jami

      Well, God wanted everyone to spread out all over the earth. But as long as they were building a tower to reach Heaven, they were all staying in one place. So that’s why everyone started speaking different languages.

      I think God was very immature and childish back then. More prone to childish but extremely deadly temper tantrums. We’re now living in God’s more mature years. More mellow, more inclined to remember He/She gave us free will so while God can try to influence, He/She cannot control us and ultimately we have to live with our own fuck ups.

      Sep 16, 2014 at 4:38 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #6.6   Jami

      Gee, I didn’t realize that 6.2 and 6.3 were double. I wonder if that’s cause the computer I was posting that comment from was slow yesterday or if God thought I had such a great point He/She wanted the message to go out twice.

      Sep 17, 2014 at 12:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #6.7   Lita bang

      Or both.

      Sep 17, 2014 at 5:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #6.8   labdude

      I suspect the ‘Both’ option. He put a backdoor in the code to allow it to double up especially noteworthy responses.

      Sep 18, 2014 at 3:51 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #6.9   God

      I think it is affront to Me for people to decide whom should be in Hell and whom I should punish. I make those decisions, not you mere mortals.

      Westboro Baptist, I have my full attention on you and you are not going to be happy when you meet Me. The rest of you, go in peace.

      Sep 19, 2014 at 12:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #7   Bruce

    I think this guy can sympathize…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fc_a0pbeuqU

    Sep 16, 2014 at 1:06 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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    • #7.1   pooham

      I used to enjoy watching that show.

      Sep 16, 2014 at 5:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #8   Sandy

    I don’t feel sorry for anyone who uses the term “hella”.

    Sep 16, 2014 at 1:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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    • #8.1   Aurora

      Fuck you; the word “hella” is hella cool. (But only when used by Bay Areans/people who actually know how to use it. Not those people on tumblr who made it into a meme and think it can be an adjective or interjection. Fuck those people.)

      Sep 20, 2014 at 1:27 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #9   warns

    Uhhh… does this guy recognize that pointing out identifying marks in a super visible public way basically ensures the thief knows what to change/do away with?

    Sep 16, 2014 at 5:37 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #10   Wholigirl

    God-you used ‘whom’ correctly only once in your sentence. Please do some research. Thanks!

    Sep 29, 2014 at 5:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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