This used to be a pretty doormat.

September 26th, 2014 · 26 comments

Out submitter in Chicago notes that, remarkably enough, within a day or so of this note being posted (or rather, secured with packing tape to the floor), the oh-so-pretty doormat magically reappeared!

This used to be a pretty doormat until some dumb fuckin' asshole took it

(I’d like to imagine that this was the stolen doormat in question.)

THE NEIGHBORS HAVE BETTER STUFF

related: Wrath mat

extra credit: How to keep a doormat from being stolen [metafilter.com]

FILED UNDER: Chicago · neighbors · stealing


26 responses so far ↓

  • #1   kaetra

    Someone probably moved it to vacuum and forgot to put it back or something like that. I doubt a true thief would be shamed into returning an item. Plus what would you do with a doormat you stole from someone in your building? You wouldn’t put it in front of your own door??? Or… would you…

    Sep 26, 2014 at 11:10 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   DaveS

      The thief may not have thought it through when they took it. Now they’ve got a doormat they can’t use without getting caught.

      If they try throwing it in the garbage, they might be seen. And if the dumpster is further from door they stole it from, they might have decided it was easier just to put it back than to get rid of it.

      Sep 26, 2014 at 3:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   JoDa

      Possibility. Wednesdays are “door mat switch day” in my building as we put them back in front of the right doors after the housekeeping service mixes them all up. Though unless her building is really big, you can usually see your mat in front of someone else’s door by just looking up and down the hallway…

      Sep 27, 2014 at 9:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Mattilda

    You could put it inside your door.

    Sep 26, 2014 at 11:21 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   MikeM

    I like to think their dog pooped on it and they were so ashamed and embarrassed that they swiped it, cleaned it, and returned it.

    Sep 26, 2014 at 11:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   The Elf

      Neighbors Of Good Intent? I don’t think they exist.

      Sep 26, 2014 at 1:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   The Elf

      Neighbors Of Good Intent? I don’t think they exist.

      Sep 26, 2014 at 1:46 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Arathael

      Right, like Rodents Of Unusual Size…

      Sep 26, 2014 at 2:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   pooham

      Or maybe they thought the mat was in need of cleaning and took it and washed it for their fellow apartment/dorm dweller.

      “I am nice man, with happy feelings. All of the time.” ~ Master Betty

      Sep 26, 2014 at 4:02 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Poltergeist

    All you need to do to make a thief return your stolen property is call them a dumb fuckin’ asshole? Somebody really should tell the police about this flawless negotiation tactic. It could really come in handy during bank robberies and hostage situations.

    Sep 26, 2014 at 11:55 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Lita bang

      Poltergeist, that only applies if they are a dumb fuckin’ asshole, I think.

      Sep 27, 2014 at 2:28 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   AuntyBron

      Worked for me. A friend tried to steal my large jar of peanut butter. I said, “Give me back my peanut butter, you Viking bastard!” (We’re into medieval re-enactment) And he put it back and it is an oft-repeated story in our local group.

      Oct 8, 2014 at 6:58 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Dane Zeller

    Logically, the sign (“this”) could not “used to be a pretty doormat.” The sign used to be a blank piece of cardboard. It’s a confusion between what something is, and what something stands for. They cannot be the same.

    The writer of the note, in the literary world, is some dumb fucking asshole. But, that’s just my opinion. ICBW.

    Sep 27, 2014 at 2:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   labdude

      This used to be a nice PAN, until some fuckin’ logician turned it into a semantics lesson.

      Oct 1, 2014 at 11:25 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Jami

    I’ve decided that the doormat was not stolen. It just developed a consciousness and decided it was tired of being treated like, well, a doormat. So it took off thinking to see the world and find itself. But then it heard about the note that called it “pretty” and realized that it doesn’t have to find itself, it was already found. So it returned to it’s home, knowing it is a pretty doormat.

    And if you can make sense of my rambling, want to come home with me and watch Doctor Who?

    Sep 27, 2014 at 4:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Elf

      The doormat is Cassandra. Moisterize me!

      Sep 29, 2014 at 12:27 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Jami

      Yay! Elf shall get to watch Doctor Who with me and we shall protect each other from The Attack Eyebrows!

      Sep 29, 2014 at 12:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   assiveProgressive

      If you change Roy Orbison’s song to ”Pretty Doormat,” it’s still a good song.

      Sep 30, 2014 at 12:29 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Havingfitz

      My doormat’s name is Martha…

      Oct 3, 2014 at 4:48 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Lita bang

    Now this is one doormat that’s not gonna let you walk all over it!

    Sep 27, 2014 at 5:12 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Roxy Random

    To me it looks like “dumb fackin’ asshole,” but that’s me.

    Sep 28, 2014 at 1:40 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   The Elf

      Maybe they meant to write “frackin” and got confused? You know, as it “This used to be a pretty planet until some dumb frackin’ cylons invaded it.”

      Sep 29, 2014 at 12:26 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   FeRD bang

      Pennsylvania used to be nice, until some dumb fracking oil companies gave it flammable water.

      Sep 29, 2014 at 1:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   strawberrylaundry

    when i read the title, i sing it in my head to the tune of Madonna’s song…

    Oct 2, 2014 at 11:02 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   juniper

    Doesn’t it make more sense that the sign writers bought a new one rather than it was returned?

    Oct 5, 2014 at 9:45 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   explainer videos

    Aw, this was a very good post. Finding the time and actual effort to generate
    a really good article… but what can I say… I hesitate a lot and don’t seem to get anything
    done.

    Jan 7, 2015 at 1:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     

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