They take their white carpet very seriously.

September 29th, 2014 · 35 comments

Alice in Columbus, Ohio noticed this note taped to the door of a neighboring apartment. “I guess the tenants must have taken over a place that had formerly housed drug dealers and they were fed up with people coming by looking for drugs,” she says. “The note begins amiably enough — ‘Take shoes off at door’ — then takes quite a turn with its devastating conclusion.

Take shoes off at door. We don't sell drugs. Don't look in the window. ***You will be shot.***
related: This not a brothel!

FILED UNDER: Columbus · drugs · not-so-veiled threats · Oops?

35 responses so far ↓

  • #1   The Beast Among Us

    With heroin?

    Sep 29, 2014 at 1:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   TKD

      A double duty PAN PUN. Way to give it to them with both barrels!

      Sep 29, 2014 at 1:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   TKD

      Oh, I should have used the word stick in place of give. Then it could have been a double pun about a PAN PUN. But the darned EDIT button still does not work :-(

      *hangs head in shame*

      Sep 29, 2014 at 1:30 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   kermit

    But if I don’t look in the window, how am I supposed to read the note and be warned that you’ll shoot me?

    Sep 29, 2014 at 2:14 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   pooham

    These people have never heard of ironic process theory, e.g. “Don’t think of pink elephants,” results in thoughts of pink elephants.

    Sep 29, 2014 at 5:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   Lita bang

    Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

    No, but seriously. What pricks. We all know they just put up this note to needle their neighbors.

    Sep 29, 2014 at 6:12 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   assiveProgressive

      This note smacks of paranoia.

      Sep 30, 2014 at 12:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Jami

      Eh, if they live in a former drug dealer’s house it might not be paranoia. When the meth dealer across the street moved out the day the dude who owns it now just looked at the place the real estate lady had to have him throw out two meth heads that had broken in through the night. And for months he had to tell former clients to get off his property cause they’d come looking for meth.

      Sometimes they still show up and I think he’s been there two or three years now. He’s a fireman with LA county.

      Sep 30, 2014 at 4:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   knitchic

    If someone was peaking into my window I’d be impressed, second floor and all. Not sure I’d shoot them since they went through all the trouble of getting a ladder.

    Sep 29, 2014 at 6:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   The Elf

      That’s what the boiling pitch is for. Besiege my apartment, will you?

      Sep 29, 2014 at 7:26 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Lita bang

      Brilliant, Elf. I’d even go so far as to say you’re pitch perfect. :D

      Sep 29, 2014 at 10:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   kermit

      *puts ladder away and mobilizes catapult*

      Sep 30, 2014 at 10:27 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   The Elf

      Obtenir la vache!

      Sep 30, 2014 at 11:23 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   deprogrammed

      Of course you don’t shoot them. You just shove them away from the window, while helicoptering and screaming “hi yo Silver, away!”

      Sep 30, 2014 at 3:14 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   FeRD bang

    Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got outta PAN fast!

    Sep 29, 2014 at 10:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   JoDa

    I’ve never been in a position to have my home mistaken for a place where you can get heroin, but we did once have a peeping tom (came around every night for two weeks until the police *finally* showed up fast enough one night to scare him off for good (we were lucky(ish) that this happened in the winter and we could point to the fresh footprints in the snow outside of our windows as evidence we weren’t making it up before the night they almost got him)). Maybe a PAN would have helped… “Dear Night Stalker…DON’T LOOK IN OUR WINDOWS OR WE WILL SHOOT!”

    Sep 29, 2014 at 11:35 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Kasaba

    I lived in a ground floor flat share for a period of time, where the two main bedrooms, one of which was mine, faced the front yard and street. My landlady and house mate, a burlesque dancer, would often practice “twirling her tits” with the blinds up. Or so she said. I didn’t care to go outside and look. Yet, it was in front of my room, that one of the creepers in the building often hovered while putting something in the recycling bins under my window. Nothing like looking up from what you’re doing to find a stranger outside watching you through half-drawn blinds. Then quickly shuffling off as if to say: “I also watch you while you’re sleeping. Thank your landlady for these ratty blinds.”

    Sep 30, 2014 at 3:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Poltergeist

      I always wondered how those women conditioned their tits to twirl. I thought running bra-less was supposed to be an unpleasant experience (for the woman, not for those watching), so how do they go about doing it without the pain? I can almost picture a dancer who is helicoptering a little too quickly having her breasts snap off and fly into the audience like a projectile weapon, giving some poor guy a traumatic head injury.

      Oct 1, 2014 at 1:17 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   The Elf

      If you catch it, you can keep it.

      Oct 1, 2014 at 5:17 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   Lita bang

      I know I’d feel like quite a boob if that happened to me.

      Oct 1, 2014 at 5:40 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   assiveProgressive

      I have HBO, and I have never seen this boob twirling you speak of. It sounds like a fun activity that could be taught at the senior center to great effect.

      Oct 1, 2014 at 11:30 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.5   kermit

      Boob twirling is more of an old timey burlesque thing that you can see in old timey movies or whatever Dita von Teese is doing now – and I gather that HBO doesn’t show that stuff.

      (Un)fortunately, boob twirling does not lead to runaway boobs, unless maybe the woman in question has implants that weren’t sown in properly.

      If boob twirling really did to runaway boobs, then no older woman would have arm flab “wings” because they’d just twirl that away too.

      Oct 2, 2014 at 1:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.6   Brattus Rattus

      If you watch the latest episode of Boardwalk Empire (HBO) there is actually a scene of a woman doing the tata twirling.

      I’m a woman and it made me grab my breasts cause it looked painful.

      Oct 3, 2014 at 9:18 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.7   Jami

      There’s also Elvira’s movie. At the end she does some old fashion boob twirling.

      It’s not the boobs themselves that twirl, they just jerk their chest muscles to make tassels over their nipples twirl.

      Oct 3, 2014 at 10:07 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.8   DaveS

      That was a great scene in that movie. I’ve seen strippers do the tassel twirling but none were as good as Elvira.

      I’ve never heard of a boob coming loose during a show, but I can still top that. One of my friends was at one of the more seedy strip clubs in the area (where the women had a bit more miles on them) and one of the “ladies” tried flipping upside down on the pole when her glass eye popped out and rolled off the stage right in front of him!

      It was around then that he decided to stop going to the clubs altogether. He had already been avoiding some of the “classier” places after his sister started working at them. I guess it’s quite a turn off when you’re enjoying a lap dance from one girl and your sister comes on stage and starts taking it all off.

      Oct 3, 2014 at 9:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.9   assiveProgressive

      That reminds me of a joke I heard long ago about a one-eyed hooker, and the punchline is, ”I’ll keep an eye out for ya.”

      Oct 4, 2014 at 8:49 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.10   Jami

      So there used to be this forum I was a member of where the members could use porn images as their member pictures or in signatures. It wasn’t a porn forum, just the dude in charge was like “We’re all adults here so go nuts, show nuts.”

      Anyway, several people had this GIF image of just the upper torso of a woman bouncing up and down as she, I assume, had sex as their forum avatar. Apparently she was on top. Anyway, her boobs, I’d say about a C or D cup, were bouncing up and down so violently in the GIF that anytime someone started bringing up the porn subject I’d mention that one creeped me out cause the woman was going so fast and her boobs bouncing so much I expected them to just tear free and go flying across the room. Everyone scoffed at me, of course, saying I was a prude.

      So I did what any adult who was creeped out by a fast bouncing boobies GIF would do – I used an image of Alan Rickman from the movie Dark Harbor – his full frontal nudity scene – in my signature.

      Now keep in mind they shot that scene from so far away you really can’t make out much besides the white in a nest of dark hair. I imagine on a movie screen it was bigger but the image I used was probably two inches tall at the most. Yet every single guy on the forums declared it as “creepy” and hated that I was using an image of one of their favorite male actors in all his naked glory in my signature.

      So surprise, surprise, the forum owner put a ban on porn and nudity in general for use in avatars and signatures.

      Oct 4, 2014 at 5:21 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.11   The Elf

      Hah! That does not surprise me. It’s astounding how differently male and female nudity are treated.

      Oct 6, 2014 at 6:54 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.12   The Beast Among Us

      I would not have been creeped out, Jami. In fact, I would have thought that was awesome.

      Oct 6, 2014 at 11:56 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.13   The Elf

      It’s a ballsy move.

      Oct 6, 2014 at 3:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.14   Tesselara

      Snape shaming. Very sad.

      Oct 6, 2014 at 3:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.15   Jami

      I think it’s cause they preferred to think of Alan as Hans Gruber or The Metatron to seeing him naked.

      But yeah, a few of the guys admitted they wouldn’t want to see an avatar of a dick bobbing up and down.

      I really had no problem with the nudity. I just didn’t like that one image because of how fast the boobs were bouncing. It looked insanely painful and like I said, all I could do was imagine them ripping off and flying across the room because of that. If it had been made to be slower instead of looking like someone was watching porno in fast forward I could’ve handled it.

      Oct 6, 2014 at 7:40 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.16   Tesselara

      I find myself frequently happy that I am not a guy. Gender norms are so narrow for them–it’s a minefield out there.

      Oct 7, 2014 at 8:23 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Dave

    Way back in the dark ages, my boss gave me a pager. I found out quickly that the number had previously belonged to a drug dealer named “Bumpy” since about 2/3 of the numbers that paged me were answered by someone asking for their drug delivery.

    Sep 30, 2014 at 3:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   Michael

    This would genius advertising for a store. Who is going to read that sign and then not look inside?

    Oct 1, 2014 at 7:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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