Last time I checked, my mother didn’t work here

October 7th, 2014 · 62 comments

“My husband and I eloped in Maui last week because we thought it’d be more fun that way,” says Sarah in Seattle.At least one of her husband’s coworkers — apparently — took this as a snub. (But, you know, in a “Hahahahaha, JUST KIDDING!” clenched-teeth sort of way.)

Congrats to Paul!!! (Apparently)
related: Aaand…the honeymoon’s over.

FILED UNDER: love & marriage · office


62 responses so far ↓

  • #1   L

    Same thing happened when I eloped. My boss took it as some sort of personal offense that I didn’t let her know in advance because she would have thrown a party. I mean, she still could have afterwards but apparently she didn’t want to unless she was on the shortlist of people who knew in advance.

    Oct 7, 2014 at 2:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   L

      Hey, we have the same name!

      Oct 8, 2014 at 5:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   MNOP

      Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

      So sad now.

      Oct 8, 2014 at 7:51 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   CLE_Cardenas

    I had a huge wedding and didn’t invite any co-workers. No one was offended.

    Oct 7, 2014 at 3:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   FeRD bang

    Meanwhile, if Sarah and her fiancee had invited everyone to their Maui wedding, they would’ve been buried under a torrent of bitching about the expense. Sometimes you just can’t win.

    Oct 7, 2014 at 3:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Tesselara

      FeRD, you mean buried under a torrent of justified reluctance to spend 1,000s of dollars on their narcissism?

      Destination weddings are monumentally selfish (if you want people to come to the wedding, and also expect them to pay for their own trip, and then make them feel guilty if the don’t come). I have actually never been invited to one of these (THANK GOD), but I always feel awful for people who are invited. They always feel a horrible mix of guilt and resentment at the invite. Listen, folks. Your wedding is important, but it is NEVER that important. Get over yourself, have your wedding in a place where people can attend without ruining your relationship with them, and USE THE DESTINATION FOR THE HONEYMOON. Unless you’re rich and can pay for everyone. In this case, go ahead and destination away. Everyone will love you.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 7:07 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   hbc

      “if you want people to come to the wedding, and also expect them to pay for their own trip, and then make them feel guilty if the don’t come”

      You know the destination wedding is okay if you leave off the guilt, right? Because an invitation is not a summons, and anyone wracked with guilt over declining an invitation (any invitation) needs to get over themselves–your presence isn’t that important to the proceedings.

      I don’t see why it’s so preferable to have your “local” wedding in your hometown two hours from the nearest regional airport with nothing to do in town after 6pm, especially when the cost can end up being the same for out-of-town guests.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 10:37 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   The Elf

      Destination weddings are perfectly okay so long as they are done with the understanding that not everyone can or will go. It’s only “monumentally selfish” if the couple thows a hissy fit when people turn down the invite. I think they work best as tiny weddings – just the couple and their nearest & dearest, with the couple helping out with expenses if needed.

      A friend had a sort of destination wedding – it was at a resort not that far away. Didn’t have to fly, but it was far enough away that most people wanted hotels for the night. Since it was off season at the resort, and my husband was in the wedding party, we decided to gang with other friends and rent a house. It was a blast, but they did have about 50% “no” responses. And that’s fine.

      Another friend had a destination wedding that I would have to fly to. I wanted to go, but the timing off it was bad for us – we would have had to take a week off work to do it right. Time is in some ways more precious to me than money; there was no effing way I was willing to use my leave that way.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 11:10 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   buni

      My brother’s wedding was a “destination” simply because he and his wife got married near their home in SoCal and the majority of both families live on the East coast. I was surprised by how many people came out for the whole week and made a vacation out of it.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 11:52 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   gah

      My cousin’s (now) wife had a destination wedding.. It was really bad and selfish. His family (aka me and people related just to him) all live in Springfield ma or NY NY) his partners family all lived near Portland Oregon.. For her family it was a six hour drive and over 3,000 to spend time at a resort/hotel for a whole flipping week… For his side of the family it was a plane ticket to portland Oregon plus a car rental, driving for a whole day and over 3,000 to rent the resort… But we got last dibs so we had to share rooms with strangers.. How that even fucking makes sense beats me…

      Oct 10, 2014 at 2:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   gah

      My cousin’s (now) wife had a destination wedding.. It was really bad and selfish. His family (aka me and people related just to him) all live in Springfield ma or NY NY) his partners family all lived near Portland Oregon.. For her family it was a six hour drive and over 3,000 to spend time at a resort/hotel for a whole flipping week… For his side of the family it was a plane ticket to portland Oregon plus a car rental, driving for a whole day and over 3,000 to rent the resort… But we got last dibs so we had to share rooms with strangers.. How that even fucking makes sense beats me…

      Oct 10, 2014 at 2:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   gah

      My cousin’s (now) wife had a destination wedding.. It was really bad and selfish. His family (aka me and people related just to him) all live in Springfield ma or NY NY) his partners family all lived near Portland Oregon.. For her family it was a six hour drive and over 3,000 to spend time at a resort/hotel for a whole flipping week… For his side of the family it was a plane ticket to portland Oregon plus a car rental, driving for a whole day and over 3,000 to rent the resort… But we got last dibs so we had to share rooms with strangers.. How that even fucking makes sense beats me…

      Oct 10, 2014 at 2:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.8   gah

      My cousin’s (now) wife had a destination wedding.. It was really bad and selfish. His family (aka me and people related just to him) all live in Springfield ma or NY NY) his partners family all lived near Portland Oregon.. For her family it was a six hour drive and over 3,000 to spend time at a resort/hotel for a whole flipping week… For his side of the family it was a plane ticket to portland Oregon plus a car rental, driving for a whole day and over 3,000 to rent the resort… But we got last dibs so we had to share rooms with strangers.. How that even fucking makes sense beats me…

      Oct 10, 2014 at 2:14 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.9   CdnGingerGirl

      I don’t like destination weddings either. One of my best friends had one and none of her group of friends from school could go, and we were all really upset. But we’re teachers, we couldn’t leave school in the first week of school after Christmas holidays to go to the Dominican Republic, and none of us had $3500 per person to do it. She said she understood but she was pretty cool towards us later… I guess we should have made more of an effort.

      Oct 13, 2014 at 12:45 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.10   Tesselara

      I have yet to meet someone who was like, “HELL YEAH! I was invited to a destination wedding! I’m so happy to spend a lot of money on this!” Apparently, though, some of those folks do exist. Maybe it’s an income level thing. I, for one, do not have even remotely like $2,000 to spend on someone else’s relationship.

      Oct 14, 2014 at 10:06 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.11   hbc

      Then don’t. Is it really so hard?

      I spent less travel time and money on my brother’s St. Thomas wedding than I did on my friend’s upstate New York “local” wedding. I’m not even a beach person, but I had a more interesting time at my brother’s, and they were pleasantly surprised by the number of people who made the trip.

      Destination weddings aren’t the problem–jerky, entitled hosts are, and that’s not fixed by a local wedding. Unless we’re talking about jerky, entitled invitees who feel that a couple must take into account their personal finances when planning their wedding.

      Oct 15, 2014 at 6:45 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.12   The Elf

      Bingo, hbc. I, for one, was thrilled to go to (and spend money on) my friend’s destination wedding, because they know how to throw a party! Going in with my friends on a house at the resort turned out to be cheaper than a hotel room for those same nights. Turned out to be a really great extended weekend.

      Oct 15, 2014 at 7:23 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.13   The Elf

      Forgot to add: Cost us about $500, if I remember correctly. Pricey, but I’ve spent that much on non-wedding weekend getaways with friends.

      Oct 15, 2014 at 7:27 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.14   KHandcock

      Yeah, I think it’s all about whether pressure is put on people to attend. When my cousin got married, they sort of had two destination weddings: one was at a resort that was about halfway between the universities where the two of them were working, and one was in Turkey because the bride’s family lives there. But there was no pressure to attend either if you just decided it wouldn’t work for you.

      That said, my husband, son, and I did attend the resort wedding and turned it into a longer trip, and it was fun. It became an excuse to take a vacation together, something we genuinely hadn’t done before that.

      Oct 18, 2014 at 5:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   kermit

    I also don’t understand why people are apparently offended if you elope. You don’t have to buy the couple presents so you’re saving money. (Parents I can understand because all(?) dads presumably look forward to walking their kid down the aisle.)

    Unless you’ve viewing the party as a way to get free food and booze, I don’t understand why it’s so upsetting.

    Oct 7, 2014 at 3:09 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Raichu

      “Unless you’ve viewing the party as a way to get free food and booze”

      I think you’re onto something here…

      Oct 10, 2014 at 3:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Kimberly

      My coworker has been sharing every single mundane detail of her wedding planning for months. MONTHS. I would be BEYOND stoked if she had just eloped.

      Oct 16, 2014 at 10:43 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Quite Contrary

    Personally, I would thank Paul and his fiancee for saving me from another office wedding.

    Oct 7, 2014 at 3:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Jami

    Who in their right mind wants to go to a coworker’s wedding anyway?

    Oct 7, 2014 at 7:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Dan

      I know, right? Unless I’m friends with them outside of work, that is.

      Oct 7, 2014 at 8:33 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Jami

      Friends outside of work I can understand – but that person you’ll probably inform you’re eloping anyway.

      Oct 8, 2014 at 12:07 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Rachel

    This is why people elope.

    Oct 7, 2014 at 9:07 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Roto13

    I didn’t tell anyone I worked with that I was getting married which made it really weird when they changed my schedule at the last minute to have me working on my wedding day.

    Oct 7, 2014 at 11:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Tesselara

      Awkward! “…err guys…. I’d TOTALLY do the schedule change, but you see, I’ve scheduled major life milestone that day that you have no idea about. Sorry.”

      Oct 9, 2014 at 7:14 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Lita bang

    To me, that comes off as coworker implying something less than savory. “So apparently you married Paul.” As opposed to someone else…?

    I’m half-asleep and have been dealing with cats all day, though.

    Oct 7, 2014 at 11:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Lita bang

      …married *Sarah*, even. Words, they mean things.

      Oct 7, 2014 at 11:48 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Janellionaire

      Have you considered just putting the cats outside? I find them much less troublesome that way.

      Oct 8, 2014 at 12:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   kermit

      You can’t put the cats outside. That’s how they get married by eloping.

      Oct 8, 2014 at 2:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   Lita bang

      Considering they’re all female, Kermit, I’d be a bit worried if they did.

      Oct 8, 2014 at 7:35 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   kermit

      Come on now, you can’t be against cat gay marriage.

      You can be against cat and dog marriage, cat and mouse marriage and even cat and cat toy marriage, but you can’t be against cat gay marriage. You must be progressive about these matters, Lita.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 12:28 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   Lita bang

      Oh I’m not ~against~ it…I’d just be a little worried.

      I should have a talk with the youngest cat though. She likes to flirt with the dog…

      Oct 9, 2014 at 1:11 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.7   Jami

      I disagree, Kermit. What goes on between consenting adults is none of my business. If an adult cat wants to marry an adult dog I have no right to say no. It’s their life. Group marriages too. Long as they’re not marrying humans, the dead, or kittens and puppies, it’s all good.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 10:27 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.8   The Elf

      Wait, married Paul or buried Paul?

      ‘Cause I did that, in the Strawberry Fields.

      Forever. Apparently.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 11:24 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.9   Featherblade

      Long as they’re not marrying humans, the dead, or kittens and puppies, it’s all good.

      Primatophobe! Speciesist! Necrophobe!

      Oct 9, 2014 at 1:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.10   FeatherBlade

      Now that I think about it, that should have been “Anthropophobe!”

      I have disgraced the memories of my language teachers.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 4:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Ana

    here I was thinking the person just didn’t like marriage but felt the need to write the conventional congrats (or was told to write it). I see I am alone in this thought.

    Oct 8, 2014 at 2:17 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   hbc

      I thought it might be a passive aggressive statement about the over the top decorations. “Paul got married, you say? I didn’t notice, it’s really been played down here in the office.”

      Oct 8, 2014 at 7:53 am   rating: 91  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   RMM0278

    Question. What’s up with the offense people take about not knowing/being invited? My ex boss got super offended that I didn’t say anything about getting married. Mind you, this was all behind my back to everyone else but me, which is fine because I didn’t have to defend myself.

    “I’ll never get over this.” — said behind my back nearly every workday until I quit

    WTF? I’m usually relieved because I rarely know the person that well and I don’t have to shell out for a gift.

    (The reason I kept mum about the whole thing is because I didn’t invite everyone from the office and I didn’t want all the fanfare I was forced to participate in. It’s super rude to expect everyone to pony up for an event that not everyone is invited to.)

    Oct 8, 2014 at 8:51 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   JoDa

      Some people get offended about everything. Some people get offended for good reason. It varies.

      A coworker I am quite close with decided to have a destination wedding shared with only very close friends and family. She made her plans clear upfront and didn’t hide the event from any of us. We threw her a small office shower and wished her well, and everyone was happy. She wasn’t bobbing and weaving on invites, she was very upfront that her wedding was going to be far away and include only her besties and family.

      Another coworker had the traditional blow-out right here in the city. He invited most of us, and everyone knew about it. The few who didn’t make “the cut” to get an invite were very offended. I kind of see where they’re coming from, but wedding guest lists will multiply exponentially if you invite everyone you know even casually. When those butthurt folks approached me, I could at least say “well, we’ve been close friends since a few months after I started here – years ago – and he’s been to my housewarming parties now three times over, and we still have a standing weekly ‘coffee date,’ so I know that my invite came via a long-standing friendship, which included his now-wife a few months after they met.” People can be REALLY sensitive to not being “included.”

      Oct 8, 2014 at 9:48 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   phoenix

    Some people just get nasty whenever anything happens and they aren’t informed. I had a boss who couldn’t get over that my coworker installed hardwood floors without talking to him first. He’d done it once, and “could have saved her a bundle when she hired a guy.”

    Despite the fact that her husband installed them, the boss never let it go. He acted genuinely upset.

    He acted the same way when I got engaged, when his boss decided to retire, and when a coworker of mine got pregnant. I guess he just thought he was the center of the universe and all info must pass through him, the god of info.

    Oct 8, 2014 at 8:53 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   The Beast Among Us

      Sounds like the dude really has a problem with change.

      Oct 8, 2014 at 11:55 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Lil'

      When I got married, my boss cared so little he didn’t even take note of the date. Even when I left on Friday talking about my big day, and even when I came back on Monday talking about how it went (no honeymoon for me) he didn’t process that I had gotten married. When I put in a personal leave request for a day off to take care of the post-nuptial name change, etc. (before everything was done online), he told me it could wait, so I ended up carrying my maiden name for a little longer. Turns out he thought I was trying to change my name early, which I didn’t realize until he announced at a public meeting that I was getting married the following weekend. The attendees looked puzzled and one chimed in that I was already married. The attendee sees me only a couple of times a month. My boss sees me every single weekday. But overall, he really is a great boss.

      Oct 8, 2014 at 2:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Tesselara

      Oh dear. That’s pretty funny. I wonder what was going on in his head.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 7:10 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   Lil'

      Tesselera, the man is a genius in his industry but can be very absent-minded when it comes to personal life details. I went on vacation a few years ago and about three days in, payroll had to pull out my personal leave request to show him that he had approved it. He had been insisting that he had no idea where I was and that he was sure he had not signed off on me to be gone so long. That was following my verbal and email reminders leading up to my absence.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 12:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   buni

    One of my coworkers eloped last year. When she returned from her honeymoon, we celebrated with mimosas in the office.

    Oct 8, 2014 at 10:31 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   JoDa

      That’s *actually* the reason why I love it when co-workers get engaged/married and let the office know. Half the time I don’t care to attend the wedding (I’m close to an unusual number of my coworkers, so the percentage of weddings I would/have enjoy(ed) attending is high), but I’m ALWAYS down for day-drinking in the office. And I certainly don’t mind throwing a few bucks in the hat to put the office party on or occasionally helping with coordination/set-up/clean-up.

      Oct 8, 2014 at 6:49 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Bette Foster McVicar

      Why people get all friggin upset. po’d and down right nasty about a no invite to a wedding/babyshower/birthday bash is beyond my comprehension. Life’s to short folks to get all worked up over NOT being invited to a wedding ect ect. lol

      Oct 27, 2014 at 2:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Dane Zeller

    My wife and I were married twenty-five years ago in Las Vegas. No one was invited. In fact, we didn’t tell anyone about it. The question “when are you guys going to get married?” is hardly asked any more. I recommend this method. No one has been pissed off with us in our family and circle of friends.

    Do you think we should tell our children?

    Oct 9, 2014 at 12:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   kermit

      Only if they ask for hush money.

      Oct 9, 2014 at 1:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Wigwam

      You almost got there – you just needed to take that thinking one step further (i.e. leave out the “married” part entirely).

      Oct 12, 2014 at 11:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   labdude

    A former co-worker eloped. She was Irish-Catholic, he was Iranian-American.
    They figured a wedding might be a little – tense.

    Oct 9, 2014 at 3:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Lil'

      Just wait ’til the christening…

      Oct 9, 2014 at 3:38 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   John Sandy

    Its good idea, We have to enjoy our life not stay at home and just performed rountine work, We have to perform in social activities and fun

    Oct 9, 2014 at 4:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Wigwam

    I think people are misinterpreting this – surely it’s just a little joke about how no-one knew about the wedding? I.e. not “I’m angry that you didn’t tell me/invite me”, more “You randomly went and got married in secret so, um, congratulations I guess?”

    Oct 12, 2014 at 11:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Paul

      That’s what I was thinking, too! Just someone making a dumb joke (though I say this knowing nothing about the note-writer or their relationship to the note-poster).

      Oct 13, 2014 at 6:49 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Hyacinth

    FYI… in case you missed it, the couple in question eloped. To me that says, we flew to Hawaii on vacation and decided to get married. Perhaps no one was invited.

    Oct 27, 2014 at 2:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Kiki

    See…I interpreted it completely different. I saw someone who is reacting to the huge amount of tacky decorations on the cube right next door seeking attention.

    Nov 14, 2014 at 4:16 pm   rating: 91  small thumbs up

     

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