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So that’s what they mean by “makes mouths happy”

November 16th, 2014 · 32 comments

Karen in Council Bluffs, Iowa spotted this unsigned note taped to the vending machine in the office breakroom. It sounds like somebody certainly got their 75 cents worth, no?

with regard to the twizzlers nibs...I opened the package and gnawed on the first three I put in my mouth and, as expected, they were chewy. But there was more. There was this strangle tingly sensation in my mouth that I have never quite encountered before. That wasn't so bad though as it was countered by the euphoric high with brilliant colors swirling about. Unfortunately, the comedown was bad.

related: Raging against the (vending) machine

 

FILED UNDER: candy · Iowa · office · vending machine drama


32 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Madrias

    Am I the only one who is curious as to how this person knows what a mouthful of fiberglass feels like?

    As for year old Twizzlers, yeah, never a fun experience.

    Nov 16, 2014 at 5:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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    • #1.1   mary

      i had a dyslexic moment where i read “a glass of fiber”

      Nov 17, 2014 at 7:58 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #1.2   mary

      i had a dyslexic moment where i read “a glass of fiber”

      Nov 17, 2014 at 8:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #2   Roto13

    This is more fun than the original draft that just said “I mean, I ate them anyway, but come on, they’re pretty gross.”

    Nov 16, 2014 at 5:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #3   kermit

    Aren’t Twizzlers made of the same mystery gunk as Twinkies and/or a Twinkie-producing factory? Why in heavens name would you voluntarily want to eat that stuff?

    I can understand if you’re stranded at a gas station in the middle of nowhere and your meal choices are expired Twizzlers, antifreeze and sandwiches that have been there since the Eisenhower administration. But at an office building where you can order food? Come on.

    Nov 16, 2014 at 6:12 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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    • #3.1   The Beast Among Us

      I doubt he knew the expiry date before he bought them, and since he just blew his valued 75¢ on them, he probably just figured, “Oh, well, I guess I should eat them since there are starving kids in Indiana or something.”

      Nov 17, 2014 at 1:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #3.2   kermit

      Fair enough, but how many people trust their office building vending machine?

      Unless you see the guy coming regularly, don’t you assume that everything in there is expired and waiting to grow legs to jump in the garbage can?

      Nov 17, 2014 at 3:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #3.3   L

      *whispers* These are Nibs, not Twizzlers. Completely different taste and texture.

      Nov 17, 2014 at 3:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #3.4   kermit

      I thought they were made of the same thing, except Twizzlers are curly and Nibs are straight – kinda like regular fries and curly fries.

      Nov 17, 2014 at 4:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #3.5   L

      They taste and feel completely different to me, honestly.

      Also curly fries are different than regular fries if you’re allergic to the spices on them, say :P

      Nov 18, 2014 at 7:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #3.6   kermit

      I’ve only tasted Twizzlers once and I never had the conviction to try them (or anything that looks like them) again. They tasted very plastic-y to me.

      Candy-wise, I’m a Harbio gummy bear and Tootsie Roll person, but my weakness is fancy chocolate bars. Luckily, none of this stuff is usually stocked in vending machines in my building, so I bypass them altogether.

      Nov 18, 2014 at 7:38 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #3.7   Marci

      Twizzlers Nibs taste very different than most other Twizzlers. It’s important to note that red Twizzlers twists come in two different flavors: Strawberry and Cherry. The strawberry tastes, as you mentioned, very plastic-y, but the cherry has pretty good flavor even though the texture isn’t so great. The cherry “bites” have a good, intense flavor, but they’re a little too hard to chew. The “pull n peel” on the other hand, are too soft. The nibs are just right – great flavor and just the right texture. I don’t eat them very often because it’s hard to stop. If you like the flavor of Haribo gummy bears, I think you’d really like the nibs. You should give them a try.

      Nov 18, 2014 at 7:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #3.8   Jami

      Forget all this nonsense about Twizzlers and Gummy Bears. Go onto Amazon and order yourself some Jelly Babies. FAR superior to both.

      America may be the fat country, but the UK is the superior candy maker.

      Nov 19, 2014 at 1:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #3.9   kermit

      Thank you for the candy suggestions and I will take them up as soon as I don’t have to break my boycott of Amazon. Candy is nice, but not giving my money to Amazon is more satisfying.

      Nov 19, 2014 at 4:02 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #3.10   Jami

      There’s probably other sites where you can buy them. Or a shop that specializes in UK food.

      Nov 19, 2014 at 11:17 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #4   sunshynegrll

    Sounds like they stocked this vending machine with the shitty, expired, and apparently LSD-laced candy for the trucked-in liberal kids.

    Nov 17, 2014 at 2:29 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #5   Amstrad

    Bad licorice you say?
    http://youtu.be/Copn6PiwUP8?t=8s

    Nov 17, 2014 at 4:50 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #6   The Elf

    Who knew that Odin also gave mankind the Twizzlers of poetry?

    Nov 17, 2014 at 6:45 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #7   Jami

    How close to starvation do you have to be to eat expired Twizzlers? I wouldn’t even eat them during a zombie apocalypse. Use them to destroy zombies with, sure, eat them, no.

    Nov 17, 2014 at 12:51 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #8   The Beast Among Us

    At that point, they are no longer described as “chewy,” but rather, “crunchy.”

    Nov 17, 2014 at 1:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #9   Lita bang

    Some people may call them niblets. I prefer the more evocative term “niblet’snot”.

    Nov 17, 2014 at 1:32 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #10   assiveProgressive

    At my place of meaningful employment, the vending lords rub the expiration dates off of the packages. The Raisinets of unknown vintage have a chalky color to their chocolate. Nasty. I am making a serious effort to stop buying things there.

    Nov 18, 2014 at 12:09 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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    • #10.1   kermit

      Actually, good chocolate is supposed to turn chalky-colored when not vacuum sealed. It’s only the fake chocolate (i.e. “milk ingredients” kind) that stays shiny brown no matter what.

      Nov 18, 2014 at 1:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #10.2   labdude

      Kermit – we’re talking Raisinets here. Need I say more?

      Nov 18, 2014 at 11:44 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #11   humoradda

    I guess the fungus on the chocolate was too damn potent

    Nov 18, 2014 at 10:39 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #12   Ahava

    Meh – “expired” is such a vague term. I used a jar of gravy a couple days ago that “expired” about the same time as these twizzler niblets.

    I didn’t get any kind of nifty high – just some yummy meatballs in gravy.

    Nov 18, 2014 at 12:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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  • #13   assiveProgressive

    A jar of gravy has roughly the same ingredients as Twizzler Twigs. Oil, sugar and Bondo. So, yeah, why worry about expiration dates.

    Nov 19, 2014 at 12:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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    • #13.1   The Elf

      Bondo. It’s what’s for dinner.

      Nov 19, 2014 at 7:02 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #14   Wendy

    If they were so bad, why did he eat the whole bag?

    Nov 20, 2014 at 2:21 am   rating: 91  small thumbs up

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    • #14.1   Lita bang

      And waste that money? Pffft.

      No, I’m actually wondering the same thing. Possibly we have here a case of “Well, it can’t get any worse…”

      Nov 20, 2014 at 12:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       

    • #14.2   Tesselara

      Actually, I think it is actually a case of undiminished optimism. “Wow! That one was terrible! Maybe the next one won’t be terrible! Damn. Ok. Let’s try the next one. Damn.” (repeat until bag is empty).

      Nov 22, 2014 at 12:27 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
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  • #15   Zero Our Hero

    You guys asking why he ate the whole bag must have missed the part where he wrote about “a euphoric high, with brilliant swirling colors”.
    Now can someone tell me where I can find this machine?

    Nov 23, 2014 at 4:44 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

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