Playing chicken

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March 23rd, 2015 · 76 comments

So, this is what happens in Jacksonville, Florida when one neighbor accuses another of harboring illegal backyard fowl:

NO!!! WE DON'T HAVE CHICKENS OR ROOSTERS!

inappropriate hashtag

related: Cock fight!

extra credit: On the backyard chicken trend [npr.org]

FILED UNDER: #inappropriatehashtag · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Jacksonville · Oops?

76 responses so far ↓

#1 sunshynegrll

Kawaii neighbor-shaming.

Mar 24, 2015 at 1:26 am rating: 90

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#2 Lil'

They used to have chickens, but they ran away. They got tired of being cooped up.

Mar 24, 2015 at 10:51 am rating: 90

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#3 The Beast Among Us

They should throw eggs at their neighbor’s house.

Mar 24, 2015 at 11:20 am rating: 90

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- #3.1 belieber
  
  omg, Justin! Where the hell have you been?!!
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 11:27 pm rating: 90
- #3.2 Haterade
  
  Getting busy in the hen house, apparently.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 4:50 pm rating: 90
- #3.3 Deanna
  
  I told her to do this, but the asshole has camera’s on his house. – submitter’s sister
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 6:54 pm rating: 90
- #3.4 Poltergeist
  
  That’s why you hire a sniper to take out the security cameras first.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 10:04 pm rating: 90
- #3.5 Poltergeist
  
  What belongs to the cameras? The camera is what?
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 2:43 am rating: 90
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#4 Belaani

That just begs to have chicken and rooster sounds piped into the backyard area at frequent intervals. Like when the neighbors are outside…. doesn’t even need to be loud – just that quiet, insidious “buuuuuck, buck buck buck, buuuuuck!”

Mar 24, 2015 at 11:20 am rating: 90

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- #4.1 The Beast Among Us
  
  Attach it to a motion sensor.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 11:32 am rating: 90
- #4.2 pooham
  
  Maybe they already make those sounds and that’s why the neighbors thought they had chickens. Some women really do sound like chickens when they laugh, especially in groups.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 1:22 pm rating: 90
- #4.3 The Beast Among Us
  
  Imagine the sex sounds…
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 2:21 pm rating: 90
- #4.4 wright1
  
  Beast, that’s a truly inspired cruel notion… only someone who owns an outdoor / indoor cat could have come up with that ;D.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 2:25 pm rating: 90
- #4.5 The Elf
  
  Oh, I am. I totally am, Beast. Mmmhmmmm.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 2:35 pm rating: 90
- #4.6 kermit
  
  Goat sounds are even better. They scream much much louder than chickens.
  
  And it’s very easy to make it sound realistic because goats scream randomly and for no reason at all, other than they’re bored. (Seriously, check Youtube videos).
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 3:24 pm rating: 90
- #4.7 The Beast Among Us
  
  I’m not talking about the sounds of chickens having sex. I’m talking about the sounds of chicken-sounding women having sex.
  
  I don’t own cats. I eat other people’s cats.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 5:28 pm rating: 90
- #4.8 pooham
  
  And maybe it wasn’t the noise/sounds (or just the noise/sounds) that led the neighbors to conclude there were chickens. It could have (also) been the smell. I know some people use chicken droppings to fertilize their gardens.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 2:03 pm rating: 90
- #4.9 Deanna
  
  I also suggested this hahahaha
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 6:56 pm rating: 90
- #4.10 The Beast Among Us
  
  You suggested she has sex with her food?
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 2:06 am rating: 90
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#5 Poltergeist

Uh excuse me, if they don’t have any chickens, then where did all those eggs under the sign come from, huh? Oh right, they’re colorful so they came from the Easter Bunny.

…These people have the Easter Bunny chained up in their basement where they force him to lay eggs all day for less than minimum wage and no benefits such as dental! Call 911!

#freetheEasterBunny

Mar 24, 2015 at 12:38 pm rating: 90

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- #5.1 Lil'
  
  In all fairness, we haven’t yet resolved the question of which comes first, the chicken or the egg. It may just be that they don’t have chickens YET.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 12:55 pm rating: 90
- #5.2 The Elf
  
  Oh, that old question! Ideally, they both came at the same time.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 1:03 pm rating: 90
- #5.3 Lil'
  
  Oh yeah…the best kind of lay.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 1:17 pm rating: 90
- #5.4 The Beast Among Us
  
  No wonder the Easter Bunny Hates You!
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 2:20 pm rating: 90
- #5.5 DaveS
  
  Reminds me of the joke of the chicken and egg in bed together.
  
  The chicken looks totally spent and is taking long drags on a cigarette. The egg is throwing death stares at the chicken and finally rolls over saying, “Hmmph! Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT question!!”
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 4:05 pm rating: 90
- #5.6 The Beast Among Us
  
  Except chickens are generally thought of as female.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 5:29 pm rating: 90
- #5.7 kermit
  
  So what do you call a baby rooster, then, if not a chicken?
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 7:15 pm rating: 90
- #5.8 The Beast Among Us
  
  Chicks. Once they make themselves known that they are male, they are called cockerels, or cocks.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 8:17 pm rating: 90
- #5.9 L
  
  They’re all chickens. Roosters are boys, hens are girls.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 3:50 am rating: 90
- #5.10 The Elf
  
  So it’s chick on chick action?
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 8:23 am rating: 90
- #5.11 Ahava
  
  The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who’s having sex with the hen?
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 9:12 am rating: 90
- #5.12 The Elf
  
  The Beast Among Us.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 10:24 am rating: 90
- #5.13 Poltergeist
  
  And this conversation right here is precisely why I visit this site.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 12:24 pm rating: 90
- #5.14 The Beast Among Us
  
  I don’t usually engage in coitus with my food, but for your entertainment, I’ll make an exception this time.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 12:39 pm rating: 90
- #5.15 The Elf
  
  That’s the spirit, Beast! We are just too damn serious here. Play with your food! Have fun with it! Choke that chicken!
  
  Mar 26, 2015 at 7:47 am rating: 90
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#6 Haterade

One of these days, I’ll stay awake long enough to find out which of the neighbors in my Seattle suburb honestly does have a rooster that crows all g**d*** day, and I’m going to leave a box of Stove Top in their mailbox.

But I promise that first I’ll make sure that I have the right house, ’cause otherwise some poor innocent soul will be dreadfully confused.

Mar 24, 2015 at 1:08 pm rating: 90

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- #6.1 B
  
  Honestly, I’d be pretty pumped if I randomly got free stuffing in the mail.
  
  Apr 3, 2015 at 5:39 pm rating: 90
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#7 The Elf

Aren’t they also chicken for not talking with the neighbor who first reported that they have chickens? The passive aggressive circle jerk continues.

Mar 24, 2015 at 1:12 pm rating: 90

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- #7.1 DaveS
  
  I agree that it’s a p/a circle jerk, but they may not know which of their neighbors complained about them. Though they could ask around.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 4:08 pm rating: 90
- #7.2 Jami
  
  Likely someone reported them to code enforcement and CE doesn’t ever reveal who reported you even if the allegations are false.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 10:18 pm rating: 90
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#8 Lita

Oh look, it’s a complete cock-up.

Mar 24, 2015 at 1:12 pm rating: 90

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- #8.1 DaveS
  
  A true fuster-cluck.
  
  Mar 24, 2015 at 4:12 pm rating: 90
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#9 assiveProgressive

Neighbor is feeling henpecked

Mar 25, 2015 at 10:02 am rating: 90

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#10 kaetra

So, neighbors call the cops to report sign-neighbor has chickens that sign-neighbor doesn’t have?

If so, how is sign-neighbor’s sign not as “chicken” as the neighbor not just asking them first? Sign neighbor could just go over and ask them what’s up with the chicken report?

A sign with “#Our neighbor is a chicken” seems kind of ironic

Mar 25, 2015 at 10:46 am rating: 90

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- #10.1 DaveS
  
  Except that the police generally won’t tell you which of your neighbors complained, so as not to inflame any problems. They’ll just say, “We received a complaint about…”
  
  You can ask around, but the neighbors who complained may not admit it was them to your face.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 3:09 pm rating: 90
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#11 Raichu

Of course they don’t have chickens in the backyard. They keep their chickens indoors. Having outdoor chickens would be cruel.

Mar 25, 2015 at 2:06 pm rating: 90

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- #11.1 Poltergeist
  
  That’s why I never buy free range chicken from the supermarket. Think of all the innocent field mice and song birds slaughtered by those bloodthirsty chickens on a daily basis.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 5:29 pm rating: 90
- #11.2 Lil'
  
  If you keep the chickens indoors what are the outdoor cats supposed to eat?
  
  “It’s the circle of liiiiiiife and it moves us aaaaallllll…”
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 7:56 pm rating: 90
- #11.3 The Beast Among Us
  
  Cats and chickens should be kept outdoors. Otherwise, I have to break into your house in order to eat them. And when that happens, I sometimes eat the owners…
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 11:54 am rating: 90
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#12 pooham

Where did the colored eggs go in the bottom picture? Did the photographer steal them?

Mar 25, 2015 at 2:13 pm rating: 90

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- #12.1 The Beast Among Us
  
  No, they are there. They are just hidden behind the sign. You can see the yellow one poking out on the left.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 3:49 pm rating: 90
- #12.2 pooham
  
  So it is. These pictures are such an optical illusion to me. The bottom of the sign must be ground level or close to it. But my eyes keep seeing it as being quite a bit above that!
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 4:16 pm rating: 90
- #12.3 Jami
  
  They’re plastic eggs, so they could’ve only been laid by a plastic chicken. And everyone knows plastic chickens don’t cluck or crow. They warble.
  
  Mar 26, 2015 at 11:37 am rating: 90
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#13 Deanna

This is my sister’s submission, the neighbor anonymously reported her… So she didn’t know who it was. But apparently they like to report everyone in the general area, so we think we know now

Mar 25, 2015 at 5:01 pm rating: 90

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- #13.1 Poltergeist
  
  I bet the anonymous neighbor is actually the one with the chickens. They’re just trying to throw everyone off their trail like those murderers who call the police to report their own crime.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 5:24 pm rating: 90
- #13.2 Jami
  
  We’ve got one like that. I’ve mentioned him in the past. One reason we know is because if anyone’s doing any repairs and hasn’t hired him he’ll threaten to report them to code enforcement for doing whatever it is without a permit. (You don’t need a permit to repair a fence, just to put one up. But he doesn’t care about that.)
  
  In fact, I wonder if my submission to PAN ever got through. Someone has one of those “Little Libraries” and for a month they couldn’t have books in it because someone reported it as “ruining the neighborhood” and of course there was a note on it as to why there was no books.
  
  Mar 25, 2015 at 10:29 pm rating: 90
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#14 Juniper

I have to say – I’ve never understand this attitude. The one where people say, ‘I don’t understand why they didn’t come and ask us. Chickens.’ What is so freakin’ hard about understanding that if someone suspects that you are doing something wrong in some capacity – telling someone that might be responsbile for policing such a thing is a much easier and safer thing to do than to confront the people directly? Let’s say they had chickens – how exactly would that conversation had gone? ‘Uhm, we hear clucking noises, do you have chickens?’ ‘Why yes, we have chickens.’ ‘Well, I should let you know that’s prohibited.’ ‘Thanks – f off.’

Mar 26, 2015 at 7:53 am rating: 90

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- #14.1 pooham
  
  I agree Juniper. You never know how people might react. Once when my dog dug out of my yard I found her on the next block. A little girl was sitting with her outside her house. I called my dog and tied her up at home. I then went back to thank the people for looking after her. The lady was polite at first but suddenly started telling me that if I didn’t want the dog that I should just give her to pound because I was basically abusing her. (I had mentioned that I was in the process of trying to find her another home.) Her sudden anger took me by surprise and I just turned away and left. She followed me down the driveway yelling at me.
  
  Mar 26, 2015 at 10:02 am rating: 90
- #14.2 The Elf
  
  Because it is neighborly to ask first. If you have reason to think it’s dangerous, totally agree to go to the authorities first. But if your first action is to call (especially erroneously!) then you really ought to think about the kind of neighbor you are. A lot of problems can be resolved without calling the cops.
  
  We used to have parking problems in my old neighborhood. The usual – townhomes with not enough designated spaces for the people who need to park there. When I found someone in my reserved spot, I knocked on doors and asked. It’s just not that big of a deal. If I couldn’t find the owner of the car, THEN I would call the tow company.
  
  Mar 26, 2015 at 10:23 am rating: 90
- #14.3 Poltergeist
  
  I agree with The Elf. If you suspect your neighbor of being involved in a more serious crime, then you should go to the police first (directly accusing your neighbor of dealing drugs or domestic violence could turn ugly really fast.) Everything else you should attempt to deal with yourself and only contact the authorities if the person won’t stop doing whatever it is they’re doing.
  
  Mar 26, 2015 at 12:15 pm rating: 90
- #14.4 phoenix
  
  Elf- well…that works if your neighbors are reasonable people who respond rationally to the complaints and needs of others.
  
  The problem is…you can’t control who your neighbors are. And reasonable neighbors usually don’t give others reasons to complain.
  
  I never judge people for being careful. I tried to ask my neighbor about his barking dog in a pet-free buidling, in a small building with apartment-tied parking spots. Funny enough, the next day my headlights were smashed!
  
  Mar 26, 2015 at 6:51 pm rating: 90
- #14.5 The Elf
  
  Yes, it only works if your neighbors are reasonable. Which is, I think, a good assumption and the benefit of the doubt that should be extended to your neighbors unless you have reason to think otherwise.
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 9:47 am rating: 90
- #14.6 Jami
  
  We asked our neighbors, again, to stop parking in front of our house and our mailbox. One came up screaming at the front door. A day or two later when mom was outside using the barbecue to make some steaks the other one started talking, as loudly as he could, how the army “trained him to kill so you wouldn’t see it coming” – repeatedly. He made sure mom could hear him.
  
  Mar 28, 2015 at 11:59 am rating: 90
- #14.7 The Elf
  
  …..And those would be unreasonable neighbors….
  
  Mar 28, 2015 at 4:07 pm rating: 90
- #14.8 S
  
  Drug use is too wide-spread now to assume the best of neighbours. It’s safest to have as little to do with them as possible just in case.
  
  Mar 28, 2015 at 8:37 pm rating: 90
- #14.9 S
  
  And Jami, it might be an idea for your mum to report that incident to the police.
  
  Mar 28, 2015 at 8:39 pm rating: 90
- #14.10 Jami
  
  I know she should. However, there is a gentleman who works with our mayor who’s aware of the main problem – though not the “veiled” death threats, yet – who told us to be very careful cause “You never know now a days which neighbor will decide to poison your dog or set your house in fire. So we’re going to have to be sneaky in dealing with them.”
  
  Me, I’m all for ordering a shipment from Ship Your Enemies Glitter or that new site that will anonymously send a bag of gummy penises with a note that reads “Eat a bag of dicks” and sending it to them. Or I was before the threats.
  
  Mar 29, 2015 at 3:45 pm rating: 90
- #14.11 The Beast Among Us
  
  Jami, send a Bag of Dicks to Killer with Yeller’s return address on it.
  
  Mar 31, 2015 at 9:17 am rating: 90
- #14.12 JoDa
  
  Unfortunately, there are just too many unstable neighbors anymore to deal with things in a neighborly fashion, in many cases. I’m lucky in my new building that if you have a reasonable request of a neighbor, knocking on their door and speaking with them usually works (e.g., “I know it’s Friday night, but I have to be up early tomorrow morning. Normally I wouldn’t ask on a weekend night, but could you turn your TV down a little?” resp: “Sure, no worries…sorry for bothering you with it.”), but that clearly doesn’t work in the neighborhood at large…
  
  There’s a woman in the neighborhood who doesn’t like my dog. Maybe she’s afraid of dogs in general, maybe she hates the intermittent barking when I have him out in the yard for his daily run (only 30-60 minutes a day, ALWAYS before 8 PM). One day, a neighbor texted me to ask if I knew anything about that woman. I gave her a brief “she hates my dog, if we’re talking about the same woman. Pay her no mind, she seems to like to complain.” I then got a picture of a pile of dog poop right in front of our front door “you think she did this? I saw her digging around in the corner trash can this morning. I had just passed you coming in from your morning walk, sooo…”
  
  Yep, she did it, like 4 more times before someone caught her. She’d dig my baggie out of the trash can and leave the poop on the stoop (poet, didn’t know it, har har). I guess she thought that would get my dog kicked out of the building. Not sure why she thinks she has the right to try to get my dog kicked out of a property she has no ownership in, but I always carefully check the yard for anything suspicious before I let my dog have his run, now. If she’s crazy enough to play with poop to try to “win” her petty battle, she’s probably crazy enough to try to poison him…
  
  Apr 1, 2015 at 6:59 pm rating: 90
- #14.13 The Beast Among Us
  
  Scoop the poop, put it in a paper bag, set it on her door step, light it on fire, ring her doorbell, and run. If that happens every time she leaves poop on your door, perhaps she will stop.
  
  Apr 2, 2015 at 11:29 am rating: 90
- #14.14 Jami
  
  Well, the companies ship those things anonymously. However, if they did put a return address on them I’d want to put the address of the guy who was hating on that beautiful deck. Or the creepy guy who wrote about someone’s wife and the need for curtains.
  
  Apr 2, 2015 at 2:36 pm rating: 90
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#15 Lil'

I agree that it’s the safer thing to do. I used to live in a complex that required us to abstain from complaining directly to each other for that very reason. I was amused one day to find out my neighbor had reported that my secret – and very invisible – pet duck was keeping her awake when I let him out at night. (I’ve told that story here before. The frogs in the ditch behind our building sounded like ducks). I wouldn’t have minded her asking me instead of reporting me, but she might have minded my laughter.

Mar 26, 2015 at 10:08 am rating: 90

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- #15.1 Lil'
  
  This should have been under #14. My bad.
  
  Mar 26, 2015 at 10:12 am rating: 90
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#16 Kasaba

Lil’, I read that as: “That should be #14 under MY BAD.” Like you have a list.

Mar 26, 2015 at 1:33 pm rating: 90

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- #16.1 Lil'
  
  That’s funny. Believe me, I could fill a list. Where do I start?
  
  Mar 26, 2015 at 2:16 pm rating: 90
- #16.2 The Beast Among Us
  
  Right here.
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 11:56 am rating: 90
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