Bees?

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March 27th, 2015 · 51 comments

Says our submitter in Melbourne: “This one is just classic — even the mistakes are soooo typical!”

related: The Orchid Thief

FILED UNDER: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · i before e · Melbourne · not-so-veiled threats

51 responses so far ↓

#1 Lita

Beeware, plant “theif”. Beeware.

Mar 27, 2015 at 12:59 pm rating: 90

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#2 Roto13

A flock of bees?

Mar 27, 2015 at 1:13 pm rating: 90

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- #2.1 Poltergeist
  
  I was thinking the same thing. I know that quite a few of the collective animal words can sound odd, but I’m pretty sure nobody (but the notewriter) refers to a group of bees as a “flock.”
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 1:20 pm rating: 90
- #2.2 Djagir
  
  A flock of bees is kind of like a swarm of chickens, I think.
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 1:40 pm rating: 90
- #2.3 Haterade
  
  Somehow this makes me want to ‘shop up a pastoral scene of a bearded man in robes with a crook in his staff, leading his flock of bees home.
  
  Mar 29, 2015 at 8:29 am rating: 91
- #2.4 The Elf
  
  I’m sure, if we look hard enough, there’s a saint whose miracle was driving off bees. That’s a saint I could get behind.
  
  Mar 30, 2015 at 7:57 am rating: 90
- #2.5 The Elf
  
  I found one! After only a minute’s searching, too.
  
  St. Gobnait (love those dark ages names!) was an abbess in 5th or 6th century Ireland. Legend has it that she drove off a brigand by sending bees after him, forcing him to return the cattle he stole.
  
  I was a St. Wilgefortis fan, but I’m going to have to switch. That story is just too awesome.
  
  Mar 30, 2015 at 8:10 am rating: 90
- #2.6 Haterade
  
  That is awesome. I was hoping to find a badass picture of St. Gobnait sending her minions forth (with bonus points if it had the cattle rustler fleeing in terror) for you, but the best I could find was: http://bit.ly/19Ar8y5
  
  Mar 30, 2015 at 9:56 am rating: 90
- #2.7 Princess
  
  Ohh! I loved their music!
  
  I buzzed along a bud or two
  I never thought I’d meet a bzzz like you
  Meet a bzzz like you
  
  With stripes and many eyezzzzz
  The kind of eyezzzz that hypnotizzzzze me through
  Hypnotizzzzze me through
  
  And I bzzzz, I bzzz so far away
  I just bzzzz, I bzzzz all night and day
  I couldn’t get away
  
  Apr 2, 2015 at 10:11 am rating: 90
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#3 Haterade

What a buzzkill.

Mar 27, 2015 at 2:15 pm rating: 90

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#4 pooham

So return your bits to this garden immediately!

Mar 27, 2015 at 3:09 pm rating: 90

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#5 Roxy Random

Bees don’t bite, they sting. Your bits are safe, plant “theif”. Well, mostly safe. If you see them coming, roll up in a ball; that should protect your bits.

Unless you’re allergic. Then all bets are off. Avoid bees at all costs.

Mar 27, 2015 at 3:31 pm rating: 90

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#6 The Elf

“Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?”

Is there a situation that cannot be addressed with a Simpsons quote?

Mar 27, 2015 at 3:43 pm rating: 90

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- #6.1 Jami
  
  To be fair they said “feed” not “bite.” Maybe the bees are trained to use their tongue to suck blood as well as nectar.
  
  VAMPIRE BEES! AHHHHH!
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 10:34 pm rating: 90
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#7 Feather Blade

What I want to know is:
Are the plants being dug up and removed whole?
Or are the neighborhood skinflints plucking flowers instead of buying bouquets for their bitter halves?

If the former, the thief (or “theif”) is an accurate epithet. If the latter…isn’t that more vandalism than theft?

Mar 27, 2015 at 3:57 pm rating: 90

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- #7.1 LittleBirdy
  
  Well, people do sell cut flowers, so I think picking the flowers could be counted as theft too.
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 5:03 pm rating: 90
- #7.2 Poltergeist
  
  I also wonder why these notewriters never seem to consider the possibility that it’s an animal destroying their garden. I have sympathy for gardeners, but let’s be realistic – any vegetation on your property is at the mercy of local wildlife.
  
  This is why everybody should stop letting their plants roam around outside and keep them indoors.
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 5:19 pm rating: 90
- #7.3 Lil'
  
  Forget it. I’m never keeping a plant inside again. Adopted a tree a few years back. Little bastard didn’t even try to use the litter box.
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 7:04 pm rating: 90
- #7.4 kermit
  
  If some kangaroos or koalas got to it, it would be obvious Poltergeist because there would be some of it left and/or there would be bite/hoof marks.
  
  From the picture, I’m guessing that the whole thing was uprooted so that’s why the culprit is human.
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 8:12 pm rating: 90
- #7.5 Poltergeist
  
  It depends on what kind of plant it is. If a small bush/tree disappeared into thin air, then it was probably a person, but since the notewriter mentioned flowers being stolen, I assumed they meant those light purple flowers directly under the sign. It wouldn’t take much effort for anything, animal or person, to uproot those.
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 9:57 pm rating: 90
- #7.6 Jami
  
  Even if it’s the little purple flowers, there’d still be evidence if it was an animal. Foot prints, bits of plant that’s been chewed on, scat, etc.
  
  Humans would also leave clues like foot prints and shovel marks – and hopefully no scat.
  
  Mar 27, 2015 at 10:39 pm rating: 90
- #7.7 Wench
  
  @ Kermit if you have kangaroos and/or koalas leaving hoof prints then I would respectfully suggest you have bigger problems than someone stealing your plants….
  
  Mar 28, 2015 at 4:14 pm rating: 90
- #7.8 kermit
  
  I’ve never been to Australia, so I can’t speak from personal experience.
  
  From footage I have seen of some areas, kangaroos and koalas wandering about are quite common occurrences in semi-urban areas that border forests/wilderness. It’s like complaining about racoons or coyotes messing up your garden/yard.
  
  Mar 28, 2015 at 6:51 pm rating: 90
- #7.9 Haterade
  
  #7.7 Wench @ Kermit if you have kangaroos and/or koalas leaving hoof prints then I would respectfully suggest you have bigger problems than someone stealing your plants….
  
  Huh, you learn something new every day. I thought everyone had a mad geneticist in their neighborhood who makes kangaroo/koala/horse chimeras.
  
  Mar 29, 2015 at 3:30 am rating: 90
- #7.10 labdude
  
  I am trying to decide if the ‘bitter half’ Feather Blade mentioned was a Freudian slip, another victim of Spell Wreck, or if things are just not as they should be in the Blade household…
  
  Mar 30, 2015 at 10:52 am rating: 90
- #7.11 FeatherBlade
  
  @Labdude:
  
  D) none of the above!
  
  It’s an equal opportunity insult, since I used “skinflint” for the party of the first part (aka the “theif”
  
  Mar 30, 2015 at 1:18 pm rating: 90
- #7.12 Chinchillazilla
  
  Someone systematically stole every expensive plant my grandma had in her garden over several years. She got a security camera, but you couldn’t really make it out except that it was a guy who would come in and dig them up at night. She ended up giving up gardening, which she loved, entirely, because there was no point.
  
  It still breaks my heart to think about it.
  
  Mar 31, 2015 at 12:20 pm rating: 90
- #7.13 LittleBirdy
  
  Chinchillazilla, that’s really sad I wonder if a security camera plus a motion activated light would have done the trick, though I suspect that plant theft would not have been high on the priority list for most police forces.
  
  Mar 31, 2015 at 6:34 pm rating: 90
- #7.14 Jami
  
  I think it would fall under vandalism though. I know some people have gotten in trouble for stealing plants in the past as it actually made the news.
  
  But maybe grandma should’ve put in an electrified fence instead.
  
  Apr 1, 2015 at 8:37 pm rating: 90
- #7.15 Chinchillazilla
  
  I wanted her to put in bear traps, but APPARENTLY that’s illegal.
  
  Apr 3, 2015 at 12:11 am rating: 90
- #7.16 Haterade
  
  Damn bleeding hearts.
  
  What about our right to bear arms?
  
  And bear legs?
  
  Apr 7, 2015 at 9:05 pm rating: 90
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#8 kermit

I don’t understand why people steal these plain plants.

Fancy pants orchids or other expensive plants that you can resell to orchid junkies I can understand.

But that fern-type thing? That’s not worth much to anybody, not even an indoor/outdoor cat.

Mar 27, 2015 at 8:09 pm rating: 90

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#9 Kasaba

Once the bees are done with your bits, it’ll be a flock of dead bees you’ll be returning to the note writer’s garden. If they are honeybees anyway. So I say, bring it on note writer. This plant theif will take one for the team, and throw the door wide open for all other plant theifs in future, by letting your bees kamikaze themselves on my bits.

Mar 28, 2015 at 6:58 am rating: 90

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#10 Dane Zeller

i before e
except after c
if you don’t like the rule
then you can bit me

Mar 28, 2015 at 9:45 am rating: 90

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- #10.1 Cerys
  
  Weird….
  
  Mar 28, 2015 at 2:45 pm rating: 90
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#11 VM

Oh no! Not the bees! ! NOT THE BEES! (ARRrrghhh…)

Mar 28, 2015 at 5:22 pm rating: 90

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- #11.1 Lita
  
  Oh, the beemanity.
  
  (Does anyone even remember that?)
  
  Mar 29, 2015 at 1:51 pm rating: 90
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#12 Belaani

If the Thief took them, he/she is going to get clean away – the bees will be going after the unfortunate ( and perhaps innocent ) Theif.

Mar 29, 2015 at 11:07 am rating: 90

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#13 labdude

I’ve heard that Bees are fucking delicious…

Mar 30, 2015 at 10:55 am rating: 90

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- #13.1 The Beast Among Us
  
  You’ve heard wrong. They are most certainly NOT “fucking delicious…”
  
  And bee stings on the inside of your mouth are very painful.
  
  Mar 30, 2015 at 1:11 pm rating: 90
- #13.2 Lita
  
  I think you’re getting bees mixed up with honey, labdude.
  
  Though I find neither one fucking delicious.
  
  Mar 30, 2015 at 1:42 pm rating: 90
- #13.3 Haterade
  
  Every time I see this joke dug up from the grave again, my mind comes up with weird responses…
  
  “Yes, I’m sure that they are doing that somewhere in the world. Probably a lot of it. But please stop calling me ‘delicious’, okay?”
  
  (“And please don’t worry so much about what other creatures do in their spare time. That’s what God made Fox News for.”)
  
  Mar 30, 2015 at 1:55 pm rating: 90
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#14 Nunyabizz

Please, there are only TWO mistakes, and I would hardly call either one even remotely “typical,” much less “soooo typical.” Especially the word “nectar.” How often does that word even come up in everyday conversation? It’s pretty pathetic of the submitter to mock the victim of the theft over trivial spelling errors that could very well just be typos. Instead, they should be applauding the cleverness of the note.

Mar 30, 2015 at 2:19 pm rating: 90

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- #14.1 Poltergeist
  
  It’s actually three mistakes since nobody refers it as “flock of bees.”
  
  The submitter isn’t mocking them for being the victim of theft but rather for the note they chose to display. If you put up a sign in your yard for all the world to see that you didn’t even bother to spell check, you are opening yourself up to people poking fun at you. Take it in stride and learn to laugh at yourself.
  
  And if anybody finds a typo in this post, feel free to poke fun at me too.
  
  Mar 31, 2015 at 11:57 am rating: 90
- #14.2 pooham
  
  I frequently converse with family and friends about nectar. But then again we are immortals.
  
  Mar 31, 2015 at 3:12 pm rating: 90
- #14.3 The Elf
  
  Well, I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m pretty sure it’s “Poltergiest”.
  
  Mar 31, 2015 at 3:35 pm rating: 90
- #14.4 Haterade
  
  Nectar? I barely even know her!
  
  Mar 31, 2015 at 7:18 pm rating: 90
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#15 best clean comedy

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Apr 2, 2015 at 4:18 am rating: 90

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- #15.1 kermit
  
  So you’re the one who stole the note writer’s plants, eh? We knew it.
  
  Apr 2, 2015 at 11:49 am rating: 90
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#16 Canthz_B

I sure hope that flock of bees takes appropriate revenge and all return safely to their nests to vomit-feed their chicks.

Apr 8, 2015 at 2:40 am rating: 90

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#17 Aiden Smith

Albert Einstein once said: “If the bee disappears from the surface of the earth, man would have no more than four years to live. No more bees, no more pollination … no more men!”

Apr 22, 2015 at 3:26 am rating: 90

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