These are the birthday demands.

← Don’t let the fat cat fool you Don’t quote me on that. →

April 17th, 2015 · 148 comments

So thoughtful, these folks!

(via reddit)

related: Maddie’s turning one!

FILED UNDER: birthday · family

148 responses so far ↓

#1 nobody

Wow! Talk about obnoxious parents… the way I see it this poor boy will grow up to become a little brat that nobody can stand.

Apr 17, 2015 at 8:13 am rating: 91

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- #1.1 ruth
  
  You are right about brooding a brat that no one can stand but even though “we” is used I still get the impression reading the letter the mom is the one demanding what gifts to purchase. It’s difficult to say if the dad is on board with these demands.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 9:55 am rating: 90
- #1.2 The Elf
  
  If he isn’t, then he likely is on board with ignoring the problem so as to not fight with the mom.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 12:11 pm rating: 90
- #1.3 Raichu
  
  How exactly do you know it’s the mom?
  
  Apr 30, 2015 at 12:28 pm rating: 91
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#2 Wendy

I would never buy this kid a gift for any reason. I also would never see or speak to the parents again, because they are horrible people.

Apr 17, 2015 at 8:22 am rating: 92

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- #2.1 ruth
  
  I have 2 family members I can sending such an obnoxious e-mail. I wish I had the luxury of not participating but when it’s family you’re kind of stuck.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 9:56 am rating: 91
- #2.2 rebekah
  
  I mostly just feel sorry for the kid. Seriously, they are going to grow up with such a warped view of their entitlement to having everyone bend over backwards to their needs. It’s a birthday party, not your family swearing fealty to your kid. I have a son who has a severe allergy to artificial food dyes, which is a tricky thing to avoid if you don’t know what you’re looking for. If someone gets him something he can’t have, he politely accepts it and then later on gives it to someone who CAN have it. I’m not going to send out emails to everyone he knows about what will be accepted at the birthday party and what will be thrown away, as per his allergy and my aesthetic, because I’m not the worst. What happened to teaching your kid to be polite and then give what they don’t like that much to a friend, or a charity shop? Of course we wouldn’t want our children to learn graciousness and good manners.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 12:20 pm rating: 91
- #2.3 pooham
  
  Thank you rebekah for making me learn the word fealty. It is a good one.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 2:01 pm rating: 90
- #2.4 janet
  
  I assume one would be expected to genufluct to this kid upon entry as they are the king????
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 2:19 pm rating: 91
- #2.5 janet
  
  I assume one would be expected to genuflect to this kid upon entry as they are the king????
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 2:20 pm rating: 90
- #2.6 The Elf
  
  Twice.
  
  Apr 21, 2015 at 8:49 am rating: 92
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#3 Haggie

North actually wrote this and then forged Kanye’s signature.

Apr 17, 2015 at 8:24 am rating: 91

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#4 Tara Highman

The sad thing is, I know people who share this exact same parental M.O.. SMH

Apr 17, 2015 at 8:28 am rating: 90

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#5 e

If little ___ did actually get kidnapped, I bet the kidnappers would be less demanding than the parents.

Apr 17, 2015 at 8:48 am rating: 91

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- #5.1 Sheriff Fatman
  
  If little ___ did actually get kidnapped, and little ___ was anything like his/her parents, I bet the kidnappers would pay the parents to take him/her back.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 9:37 am rating: 91
- #5.2 Feather Blade
  
  I read that short story once. It was highly entertaining.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 6:35 pm rating: 90
- #5.3 Juggs
  
  They would bring him back and pay the parents to take him.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 9:20 am rating: 90
- #5.4 bbillybbobb
  
  see: “the ransom of red chief” by o. henry
  
  Apr 20, 2015 at 9:58 am rating: 90
- #5.5 Raichu
  
  Do link, Feather Blade.
  
  Apr 30, 2015 at 12:30 pm rating: 90
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#6 Cranky

I once invited a couple and their 7 year old for dinner. I received a detailed list of what the child would eat. Not a list like “pasta, cheese, pizza,” but a list that included brand names, types of cheese, and the SHAPE THE CHEESE SHOULD BE CUT INTO. I tried to follow the list & thought I was golden, but was greeted by wails because the pasta was the wrong shape.
Do I need to mention that I have never invited them over again??

Apr 17, 2015 at 8:51 am rating: 92

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- #6.1 EmptyJay
  
  You were generous! I would have ignored the list and just made dinner.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 9:22 am rating: 91
- #6.2 Tara Highman
  
  I would have promptly canceled the invite. You were being hospitable, not offering to be their personal chef. That was downright douchey of them to send that list.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 9:52 am rating: 92
- #6.3 dwasifar
  
  Oh, dear… What shape do you usually have? Mickey Mouse shape? Smarties shape? Amphibious landing-craft shape? Poke-in-the-eye shape?
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 11:19 am rating: 91
- #6.4 labdude
  
  As a parent of a child on the autism spectrum, it sounds to me like your invitees’ child is there also. It is not at all uncommon for kids on the spectrum to have very strong food preferences. My own kid was like that, too, for a time. By 7 he had grown out of it – but long before that we had learned to avoid the tantrums in the first place.
  Were I in the invitee’s position, I would explain this to my host/ess, and would bring something appropriate in the event my son wasn’t okay with what was being served. Of course, most of our friends already understood the situation, and arrangements were made beforehand.
  BTW, my son is now 25, and has learned how to be a good guest and deal with food likes/dislikes. Our friends and family are still very solicitous of him, but perhaps that was because we tried to avoid being douche-y about it when he was small.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 11:46 am rating: 91
- #6.5 Cranky
  
  Labdude, that’s a good point, but the child in question is neurotypical. Had it been a question of autism spectrum or a medical issue, I wouldn’t have batted an eye at the list of acceptable foodstuffs.
  
  Dwasifar: all I can say is of all the phrases I would expect a 7 year old to say, “But I don’t like cellentani!” is not the first thing to spring to mind.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 1:13 pm rating: 91
- #6.6 the cat
  
  Was the child seriously autistic? His parents should have warned you if that was th case.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 1:29 pm rating: 90
- #6.7 Cranky
  
  No, the cat, the child is neurotypical. I wouldn’t be griping about the list of demands if there was a real reason for it.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 1:43 pm rating: 90
- #6.8 dwasifar
  
  Cranky: If you can find where I was quoting from, you can see what I bet you wanted to do to that kid.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 2:53 pm rating: 90
- #6.9 Jami
  
  Cranky, you went above and beyond. I would’ve just made what I planned and told the parents to either leave their kid at home, or use this as a lesson to teach him to eat other foods.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 9:00 pm rating: 92
- #6.10 L
  
  Honestly, if the kid does have an issue with food that severe, you don’t demand the host supply it – you bring your own food, and be gracious.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 3:52 am rating: 92
- #6.11 Poltergeist
  
  Even if the kid was autistic, that’s still not an excuse. You don’t expect a person who is inviting you over for dinner for the first time to cater to your child’s very specific food preferences. You either feed your kid beforehand, bring something for them to eat while you’re there, or find a babysitter. My cousin has autism and that is exactly what my aunt and uncle did whenever they went somewhere. They weren’t about to demand that every birthday party they got invited to provide Wendy’s chicken tenders with the breading peeled off, plain overcooked spaghetti, and yellow cupcakes with blue frosting only.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 8:09 pm rating: 90
- #6.12 Lupin111
  
  If the child has issues – autism, allergies, doctor’s instructions…then the it is the parent’s duty to bring appropriate food for their child to eat – not make demands on the hosts.
  
  You can say ‘please, X is allergic to peanuts so could you not have any peanuts’. But if X is allergic to gluten, then you bring your own gluten-free meal.
  
  Same goes for cheese-as-Darth-Vader or whatever other outlandish demand.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 10:11 pm rating: 90
- #6.13 janet
  
  I assume one would be expected to genuflect to this kid upon entry as they are the king????
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 2:21 pm rating: 90
- #6.14 janet
  
  I have an ADULT friend who ONLY eats hot dogs, hamburgers, bacon and boneless chicken breasts. She also ONLY eats name brand food and once went through our recycling bin to make sure that she was being given KRAFT macaroni and cheese not a generic brand.
  She is 45.
  I could totally see her writing this note!
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 2:23 pm rating: 90
- #6.15 C
  
  Let me get this straight. She’s a food snob, but snobbish in favour of crappy generic brand food?
  
  Apr 24, 2015 at 1:31 pm rating: 91
- #6.16 JoDa
  
  I have a friend with a medical condition (totally legit, not something she cooked up) that limits her diet rather severely. It’s fairly easy for me to cook around, so when I invite her over, I always make sure there’s plenty she can eat. Her response is to be GRATEFUL and tell me repeatedly I don’t have to accommodate her. Not pout in a corner because I also made 2 dishes she can’t have, or added some spices/additions to the other plates she can’t have, but wants (seriously, if she *could* eat anything and everything, she *would*).
  
  Apr 24, 2015 at 5:12 pm rating: 91
- #6.17 Raichu
  
  That is motherfucking obnoxious.
  
  Apr 30, 2015 at 12:36 pm rating: 90
- #6.18 Raichu
  
  Also, I feel bad for that kid. I can’t with parents who enable their kids to be picky to the extreme. I get that you don’t like some foods – that’s okay, I’m 24 and I don’t like some foods. But you need to teach your kid to be gracious and willing to try new things, or they will be an obnoxious adult and also miserable. At the age of seven, no kid (save maybe a severely autistic or otherwise mentally disabled one) should be allowed to dictate exactly what they want to eat at every meal and what fucking shape to make the food.
  
  Apr 30, 2015 at 12:37 pm rating: 91
- #6.19 L
  
  DOR, man. Parent is responsible for what food is provided at the meal/snack. Child is responsible for what they eat. (Including trying new food – a great many children do not respond well to “one bite” rules, and it can turn into WAR.)
  
  http://ellynsatterinstitute.org/dor/divisionofresponsibilityinfeeding.php
  
  May 6, 2015 at 12:22 pm rating: 90
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#7 MikeM

[finds one-of-a-kind antique medieval weapon online]

Mmmmm, yes, this will do nicely. Happy birthday, ______!

Apr 17, 2015 at 9:12 am rating: 90

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#8 Sheriff Fatman

How are they spending $80 on formula a week? Here in the UK, a 900g/2lb tin of the stuff costs about £10 (US$15) and should last roughly a week for a 6-month-old. Does formula mean something else in the US? Is it massively more expensive? Are those Hong Kong dollars? Do they have five infant children? WHAT’S GOING ON?

Apr 17, 2015 at 9:27 am rating: 91

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- #8.1 Kelly O.
  
  The baby is probably allergic to regular formula. Hypoallergenic formulas can be very expensive! Look up Elecare for an example.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 9:43 am rating: 90
- #8.2 kermit
  
  I dunno, $15 for 2lb of formula sounds awfully cheap. Any half-decent pre-made baby food is generally expensive.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 9:46 am rating: 90
- #8.3 Sheriff Fatman
  
  @kermit: a quick look at walmart.com suggests that baby formula is one of the few things that is more expensive in the US than in the UK (approx. 50%-100% so).
  
  @Kelly O.: amazon.com sells 6-packs of 14oz cans of Elecare for ~$220, which would more or less fit the $80/week figure.
  
  I stand corrected.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 10:03 am rating: 90
- #8.4 pooham
  
  Of course her precious angel is on special formula. And when he gets older he will eat only organic food and be put on a gluten-free diet. He’ll ride in a car seat until at least ten years old and will never be allowed to ride a bike unless he is helmeted and wrapped in protective foam. Even then the pavement will need to have padding. He’ll have a medical file as thick as a dictionary. Everything he ever touches will be sanitized so that no bacteria will come in contact with him. And no school bus for him. He will be dropped off and picked up from school in his non-personalized clothing.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 12:18 pm rating: 92
- #8.5 Jami
  
  I saw this letter on another website and a pediatric nurse pointed out that the child could (especially if he was a premie) have to have a special formula that would cost that much, and insurance often won’t pay for formula.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 10:30 am rating: 90
- #8.6 L
  
  My mom was born allergic to milk (and… basically everything – she spent pretty much the first 2 years of her life in the hospital), and according to my aunt, the formula they gave her was BLUE. Can’t imagine it was cheap. And even when she got older, she had to drink goat because she was still allergic.
  
  Funnily enough, she grew out of it before even puberty.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 1:28 am rating: 90
- #8.7 The Elf
  
  Wait, they gave her blue milk? I KNEW IT WAS REAL!
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 7:45 am rating: 90
- #8.8 L
  
  Apparently XD It was the 60s so who knew what it was, really.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 8:21 pm rating: 90
- #8.9 JoDa
  
  I was mildly allergic to chocolate and peanuts as a child (like, I could have a little, but more than about 10 peanut M&Ms were going to be problematic). I outgrew it by around 10. I wasn’t allergic to cats, but developed an allergy to them around 12 and still have that allergy (a couple multiples away from 12). Allergies change throughout one’s life, in some cases.
  
  Apr 24, 2015 at 5:15 pm rating: 90
- #8.10 Dolly
  
  pooham: you need to realize all the things you just bitched about are now laws parents HAVE to follow. Kids are not allowed out of car seats until they are 4’9 and 100 pounds which puts most kids middle school age till they get out of boosters. Its a law and they will ticket you over it. Same for helmets for kids on bikes. Another thing that will get you in trouble with the cops.
  
  This is not your childhood, things have changed as far as laws.
  
  I had a child on Neosure formula because he was a low birth weight preemie. Actually both of my twins were on it for awhile one just got off it a lot sooner than the other. It was so expensive. Twice as expensive as regular formula. I would get free samples from the doctor’s office if they had any to help. It about bankrupted us. I thought I was going to exclusively breast feed. LOL nope. Not only did that not work but we had to buy the pricey formula.
  
  Apr 26, 2015 at 9:20 am rating: 90
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#9 Seriously

And while you are at it please bring a knife of your choosing to stab us in the eye.

Apr 17, 2015 at 9:29 am rating: 90

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#10 kermit

The fact that they sent this out BEFORE sending out the official party invitation really shows you how unbelievably gauche these people are.

My policy for people like this is to give the standard gift of a (possibly expired) sardine/tuna can from the dollar store.

Apr 17, 2015 at 9:43 am rating: 93

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- #10.1 Jolly
  
  Yeah, they seemed to have left the most perfect gift in this scenario off the list: a used candle that’s at least half gone, wrapped in newspaper and duct tape.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 3:04 pm rating: 90
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#11 ruth

Looks like the author took hospitality lessons from Marnie herself.

Apr 17, 2015 at 10:00 am rating: 90

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#12 Mike

Dear _____’s parents:
Enclosed is a gift card to Wal-Mart. It’s for half the amount I was planning to spend, but as you apparently have donated half the value of previous gifts to back to the store I decided to keep that portion this time.
Also enclosed is a book on etiquette. It is not a fiction or fantasy book, despite referring to things you don’t believe in, like respect for others. Put it in storage until ______ asks why everyone avoids your family.

Apr 17, 2015 at 10:02 am rating: 93

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- #12.1 The Elf
  
  Mike, that is exactly my strategy (minus the wonderfully passive-aggressive etiquette book and message). And why certain people just get gift cards now. I would spend more, but…….
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 12:06 pm rating: 90
- #12.2 AP
  
  Gift cards can be a trap though. If you get a gift card, $25 = $25. If you give a material gift, the person only knows the MSRP, not the sale-and-coupon price.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 6:43 pm rating: 90
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#13 pooham

Yes, it is a well known fact that child abductors prefer to take children whose names are displayed on their clothing:

Brayden! I’ve been looking for a Brayden for years! I certainly don’t want another Logan.

Apr 17, 2015 at 11:04 am rating: 92

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- #13.1 labdude
  
  pooham,
  I get the sarcasm, but addressing a small child by name is a great way for a stranger to build trust.
  “Hey Brayden, your mom told me to pick you up…”
  Kids don’t always make the connection.
  Even adults fall victim to this kind of social engineering – which is why many companies involved in sensitive industries now discourage wearing employee badges openly when off company property.
  “Hey Logan, you might not remember me, but we met at the industry convention… can I ask how your research is going?” is a surprisingly effective opening tactic.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 11:57 am rating: 90
- #13.2 Raynebow
  
  Except stranger kidnappings are VERY VERY rare. It’s usually done by a family member in custody issues! Just calling your child’s name in public makes it known. So no, this isn’t a reason.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 2:39 pm rating: 92
- #13.3 Dave S
  
  It’s the child abductor’s version of the license plate game!
  
  Which I guess means Braydens and Declans get snatched more often than Davids and Timothys because their names aren’t as common.
  
  This is why you shouldn’t get creative when naming your kids!
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 6:31 pm rating: 90
- #13.4 AP
  
  @labdude…I once had a job where my department fought to get an exemption from nametag/name posting requirements (and then just willfully disobeyed the order that we do) because we had so many creepers come into our fairly isolated area of the building.
  
  We’d tell new staff: “Don’t tell anyone anything beyond your first name, and only if you have to. Don’t tell them where you live, where you go to school or other jobs, or give them any personal contact info. Don’t tell anyone your work schedule, even in passing.” etc., etc.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 6:51 pm rating: 91
- #13.5 kermit
  
  I agree on the stupidity of name tags.
  
  First of all, anybody who wears a name tag as part of their job (innocuous) job never actually gets called by their name anyway. Do you call your cashier or your pharmacist by their name? Probably not.
  
  Second of all, it’s a little humiliating to go around with that label attached prominently on display. You’re not a senile dingbat who forgets their own name and therefore needs people to know who you are without you having to tell them.
  
  I personally just turn my access around so that no identifying information is visible when I’m out for a coffee run or something. If you need to know who I am, you’ll just ask and vice versa, for heaven’s sake.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 7:28 pm rating: 91
- #13.6 tch tch
  
  The only reason staff are made to wear name tags is so that the customers can identify who upset them when they write their complaint letters!
  
  Apr 20, 2015 at 8:40 am rating: 92
- #13.7 Matt
  
  @kermit – I wish. WISH. That people didn’t call their cashier or pharmacist by their names on their name tags. But speaking as someone who occasionally has to fill the former role, and has to wear a name tag, THEY DO.
  Every time they say something like “How’s it going , Matt!” I want to reply, “Great, person with whom I have no connection besides commerce! Because I don’t know YOUR name, and honestly long for the day when a robot will permanently take this portion of the transactional experience away from humans so I never have to talk to you again!” I hate it so much.
  I’ve worked too long in the retail industry, haven’t I? Ugh.
  
  Apr 20, 2015 at 9:35 pm rating: 92
- #13.8 labdude
  
  Kermit,
  Let’s not confuse ‘name tags’ with ‘ID badges’.
  Name tags are for retail workers and waitresses.
  ID badges are for letting folks who may or may not have guns under their jackets know that you are who you say you are and that it is okay for you to be there.
  I *don’t* work at Target.
  
  Apr 21, 2015 at 12:22 pm rating: 91
- #13.9 Marvin
  
  I am always tempted – when i see a car with a personalised numberplate – to walk past and address the driver by their name as though i know them !
  
  If you want to preserve your privacy – don’t get a numberplate with your name on !
  
  Apr 21, 2015 at 2:19 pm rating: 90
- #13.10 Raichu
  
  Matt, I totally feel you. It also honestly creeps me out. Like why are you acting so familiar with me? I don’t know you! Friendly is great; familiar is crossing a line when we haven’t even formally met.
  
  Apr 30, 2015 at 12:45 pm rating: 90
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#14 bananahammer

I know it’s only April, but I think we’ve already found our Douchecanoe(s) of the Year for 2015.

Apr 17, 2015 at 12:11 pm rating: 90

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#15 Kasaba

I feel sad for the kid.

I’ve never bought my two nephews, both younger than 6, gifts for their birthday. I barely think they will remember in future, and they have enough of everything to go around, toys, clothes, the lot. I usually take them something special when I make the 9000 mile trip home once a year though. When they are teenagers, I will be the cool aunt who sends them awesome packages from abroad for their birthday.

Apr 17, 2015 at 12:34 pm rating: 91

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- #15.1 ThePerson
  
  Exactly! Little babies don’t remember gifts! If I ever have children, they’re not having birthday parties or gifts until about 6 or 7. It’s for the parents before that time.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 5:54 pm rating: 91
- #15.2 Marvin
  
  So true ! It is just to show off and nothing more !!
  
  Apr 21, 2015 at 2:20 pm rating: 90
- #15.3 Raichu
  
  Yeah, my aunts and uncles do not buy me birthday gifts – like ever. My aunt and uncle on my dad’s side typically get my siblings and I a small gift card for Christmas but that’s it. It’s a little weird for me when people start talking about birthday gifts and extended family – who has money to buy a gift for every single niece or nephew?
  
  Apr 30, 2015 at 12:54 pm rating: 91
- #15.4 Tom
  
  I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. When I was 4 years old, I got invited to a lot of cool birthday parties. What did my parents do for my birthday? I got to go to McDonald’s with one friend, and my present was the toy in the happy meal. Over 2 decades later and I still remember that crap.
  
  My parents both have good jobs, they’re just cheap bastards. To this day, I’m a socially awkward loser, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s partially because my parents did stuff like this all the time to discourage me from actually socializing with kids my age.
  
  May 16, 2015 at 4:39 pm rating: 90
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#16 E

That child would be getting a $25 Savings Bond and be done with it.

Apr 17, 2015 at 1:32 pm rating: 91

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#17 pooham

When first reading this my mind could not make sense of Water Table. I know what the water table is and it’s not a toy or anything that can be given as a gift. I thought they must mean something different and my mind went to the next phrase that it could readily think of, which was water board, which was just as confusing. After a minute or so I finally realized what was meant by Water Table.

Apr 17, 2015 at 1:47 pm rating: 90

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- #17.1 Jami
  
  It’s a table you can fill with water or sand for the kid to play with.
  
  Apr 17, 2015 at 9:03 pm rating: 90
- #17.2 JoDa
  
  LOLOLOL…you want a…water table? You want me to dig a REALLY deep hold in your back yard?
  
  Apr 24, 2015 at 5:19 pm rating: 90
- #17.3 JoDa
  
  *hole…it’s FRIDAY, people!
  
  Apr 24, 2015 at 5:20 pm rating: 90
- #17.4 L
  
  Apparently I have a sandbox in my backyard. You can come weed it if you want.
  
  Apr 26, 2015 at 11:23 am rating: 90
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#18 Roto13

I hope this kid gets nothing but iTunes gift cards.

Apr 17, 2015 at 1:56 pm rating: 90

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#19 dwasifar

The danger here is that we all start one-upping each other about how uncoddled we were as children and how it shaped our characters.

But wow, is it tempting to start that discussion with this kid as a contrary example.

Apr 17, 2015 at 2:55 pm rating: 90

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- #19.1 Rattus
  
  I had a toy Vauxhall that was missing all its paint, one Vicky doll (Barbie’s white trash cousin), and a box of broken glass (sadly, I’m not joking about that). And both of my parents told me that they were sorry, but they never loved me. In all fairness, though, my dad did wait until I was in my mid-thirties.
  
  Apr 20, 2015 at 2:41 pm rating: 91
- #19.2 dwasifar
  
  I take it you’re serious. That’s pretty damn sad, and I’m sad for you.
  
  My dad told me he was going to give me to the state at one point, but I had better toys than you at least.
  
  Apr 29, 2015 at 11:25 am rating: 90
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#20 Pants Go Brown

Wow, I had no idea that wearing clothing with names was the number 1 cause of kidnapping. I figured it was more a case of bad luck like being in the wrong place at the wrong time, you know like when you get stuck in a bank hold up or encounter your local ISIS contingent.

Apr 17, 2015 at 3:04 pm rating: 90

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#21 bob loblaw

I think one way to get around having names on clothes that a kidnapper can say to the kid is to embroider a name like Fuck Face or Shit Head on clothing. That way when the kidnapper says to little Johnny ‘hey Fuck Face or hey Shit Head your mum asked me to pick you up’ the kid will know to kick the kidnapper in the balls and run.

Apr 17, 2015 at 3:08 pm rating: 91

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- #21.1 Brian H
  
  I think “shits his pants” or “pees in bed” would do well to ward off potential kidnappers.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 1:40 am rating: 90
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#22 The Beast Among Us

“at this point, he hates when we try reading to him.”

That’s because you don’t know how to read to a child. I’m sure your expressionless voice and constant complaints of “how do they expect kids to learn with this crap?” bore the hell out of him.

Apr 17, 2015 at 4:40 pm rating: 91

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- #22.1 Nic
  
  Yup. My gut reaction to “at this point he hates when we try reading to him” was: then you’re doing it wrong.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 3:34 pm rating: 91
- #22.2 Kat
  
  Thank you both. I’m a librarian and could not even find the words to articulate why that was the stupidest part of a stunningly stupid email.
  
  Apr 21, 2015 at 1:59 pm rating: 92
- #22.3 Dolly
  
  also the too many books part. No, you can never have too many books. Even if you live in a small house and no room to store them, you can still use new books. Trade the new ones in and donate the old ones out or sell them or trade with a friend. There is always something you can do with books.
  
  Apr 26, 2015 at 9:26 am rating: 90
- #22.4 L
  
  *looks at double stacked stuffed bookshelves* IT’S A LIFESTYLE, OKAY?
  
  Apr 26, 2015 at 11:25 am rating: 90
add to this thread
#23 Jami

I’d send the parents a gift – a copy of “STFU, Parents: The Jaw-Dropping, Self-Indulgent, and Occasionally Rage-Inducing World of Parent Overshare” – with the inscription “You two losers belong in here.”

I’d then proceed to send their kid a toy gun just to really tick them off, preferably from the dollar store.

Apr 17, 2015 at 9:06 pm rating: 91

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#24 Chicken Lips

I’m so sad I’m not in this kids family because I very much want to ignore the formal invitation, not RSVP, and send the kid a Chinese-made (probably with lead) toy from the Clearance bin at the dollar store. Not to worry – I’ll attach the receipt so they can get the full 67 cents that I paid for it. Aww, what the heck, I’m generous – I’ll tape the other 33 cents to the card. Give the kid a whole buck!

Like the kid is going to care – it is only going to be 1 (or 2 though are kids still on formula at 2? and we know it isn’t 3 because of all those inappropriate books in storage).

Apr 17, 2015 at 9:31 pm rating: 91

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#25 thlpt

We have a big extended family, and the kids’ birthday parties always ended in an embarrassingly big pile of presents. There was no way the kids could ever really appreciate them all, so we gave quite a few new toys to the local shelter when they were little. I always wanted to find a polite way to tell everyone that gifts weren’t needed, but was always afraid of hurting someone’s feelings so I just let things continue as they were. Now I realize the opportunity I missed to be a total jackass.

Apr 17, 2015 at 9:49 pm rating: 91

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- #25.1 JoDa
  
  You needn’t be a jackass to politely request that people tone down the gifts. “No gifts, please,” “Gifts optional,” and “In lieu of gifts, please consider a donation to X,” on the paper invitation, are all perfectly polite.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 1:14 pm rating: 91
- #25.2 L
  
  The “gifts optional” or “no gifts” thing can be a MINEFIELD in some families, though, to be fair.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 1:30 am rating: 90
- #25.3 The Elf
  
  Yeah. Some etiquette circles hold that putting the words “no gifts, please” on the invitation dictates to the guest what to bring or not bring, and is an entire minefield. It’s what I would do, but it’s definitely a minefield.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 7:52 am rating: 90
- #25.4 labdude
  
  My niece and her husband (hell, my brother’s whole family) are going through a rough patch. When Christmas came around, her 2 yo scored ‘an embarassingly large pile of presents’ from various social agencies. The kid would have been just as happy with 2 or 3, but rather than space them out over the year, or better yet, re-gift them to others in need, my niece just *had* to break open every one so her precious could have an over-the-top Christmas that he’ll never remember.
  But at least they don’t send out letters like this one.
  
  Apr 21, 2015 at 11:38 am rating: 90
- #25.5 Jami
  
  Miss Manners, judging from her writings on Washington Post, does not approve of the whole “no gifts” on an invite – and she seems to hate registries and wish lists too. She says both are rude and greedy. You’re also never suppose to ask for donations to a charity instead either. Especially since your guests might not support your favorite charity.
  
  Me, I’m all for making a wish list. Cause otherwise people insist on buying me things I hate like JJA’s Star Wreck, Leo DiCRAPrio movies, and Taylor Swift CDs. Blech. Just buy me fishing gear at the very least and none of that shit.
  
  Apr 22, 2015 at 3:36 pm rating: 90
- #25.6 egl
  
  I love it when people have wish lists.
  
  My brothers have wish lists, so shopping for them takes a couple of minutes.
  
  My mother does not, so I spend a lot of time 1)looking for something she might like (books mostly) 2)checking she doesn’t own it (yay! for online databases) 3)rechecking she hasn’t bought it since I ordered it and 4)worrying that she’ll hate it.
  
  From the other side, I don’t demand people buy off my wishlist, but I really, really wish they would if they want to give me something. I’ve received a lot of 1)things that don’t even vaguely interest me and/or I can’t use (I don’t think my aunt understands region coding on DVDs) 2)clothes that aren’t even remotely my size and 3)duplicates of things I already own.
  
  Apr 23, 2015 at 6:13 am rating: 90
- #25.7 JoDa
  
  I’m sure etiquette experts have varying opinions of “no gifts” or charity suggestions, but I believe Dear Abby has said they’re okay (but enclose them on a card separate from the invitation…same envelope, separate card). Personally, I breathe a sigh of relief when I see those few sweet words, and I’m sure the parents I know whose homes are overflowing with kid junk are relieved when people adhere to the request.
  
  Apr 24, 2015 at 5:25 pm rating: 90
- #25.8 The Elf
  
  I can’t abide wish lists (unless I ask, which is “pulling” the information rather than “pushing”) and registry info on an invite makes me grind my teeth. Okay to have the registry, not okay to push it on me. However, I’m perfectly okay with “no gifts”. That takes an onus off the guest, wish lists and registries put one on.
  
  If you get gifts that aren’t to your taste, you politely thank the gift giver and consider regifting, returning, exchanging, or donating without a word to the person who gave it. And that’s the end of it.
  
  Apr 27, 2015 at 8:10 am rating: 90
- #25.9 Jami
  
  Going back to this cause I’d rather read comments here than the Booger Flicker’s post –
  
  There’s people though whom no matter how many times you drop big hints or even flat out say “I don’t like this” before they buy a gift who’ll still, repeatedly, try to force you to like what they like without any consideration. Just the other day over on the Washington Post I read a letter from a woman who’s mother insisted on constantly buying the LW’s daughter expensive clothing, purses, knick-knacks, etc even though the granddaughter would much rather have money for music lessons, go to chess or space camp, etc. And when the LW says anything the grandmother goes “It’s MY money and I’ll buy what I like for her. It’s more fun!” Just constantly disregards what’s needed/wanted to try and force the granddaughter to conform to what grandma likes.
  
  And I’ve said before how I have that same problem. It doesn’t matter how much I say I HATE the new “Star Wreck” with a burning passion, how I can’t stand Leo DiCRAPrio’s “acting,” how I find Bennedict Cumberbatch completely unwatchable, etc. Nope, someone just HAS to buy me something like that and try to force me to like it.
  
  So yeah, wish lists. If you even think about getting me something, I’m giving you one. Either stick to it or don’t buy me diddly squat. People who don’t like wish lists and think they’re rude, go suck a rotten egg.
  
  May 10, 2015 at 5:03 pm rating: 90
- #25.10 Indiana
  
  DiCaprio is in the latest Star Trek? Where?
  
  Jul 29, 2015 at 2:27 pm rating: 90
- #25.11 Haterade
  
  Hopefully he’ll star as a photon torpedo.
  
  Jul 30, 2015 at 5:57 pm rating: 90
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#26 L

“Clothing with names is the #1 thing that leads to kidnapping” CITATION CITATION CITATION. CITE YOUR FREAKING SOURCE ON A CLAIM LIKE THAT.

And uuuugh “he hates when we try to read to him”. You’re a terrible person.

Apr 18, 2015 at 3:55 am rating: 90

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- #26.1 JoDa
  
  What is the parenting version of Food Babe/Mercola/Natrual News?
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 1:15 pm rating: 90
- #26.2 Poltergeist
  
  That’s the kind of paranoia you just want to smack out of somebody. If you want to believe is bullshit, fine, but don’t spout it off as fact and pretend like you’re educating the world.
  
  I can guarantee these people that the vast majority of child kidnapping victims were not kidnapped because they were wearing a shirt with their name on it.
  
  Apr 18, 2015 at 8:25 pm rating: 90
- #26.3 JoDa
  
  So I Googled this, out of curiosity. Most of the results were to this letter, which has gone viral. Most of the other links were to parenting blogs saying not to put your kids in clothes with their names as that increases the ease of abduction (no one saying “#1 cause of abduction”).
  
  One legitimate law enforcement link came up, which encouraged parents to make sure their kids were aware that just because someone knew their name didn’t mean they were a “trusted adult.” That site said that a potential abductor might learn the child’s name by observing “their name on their clothing, someone saying their name in a public place, by good guesswork (trying common names), or by other means.” It suggested teaching your kids not to go with anyone they didn’t know personally, even if that person knew their name. Now, that sounds sane.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 1:04 am rating: 90
- #26.4 kermit
  
  Yeah, it’s sane in a world where kids listen to everything that their parents tell them, which is clearly not the case.
  
  It’s one thing to sew the kid’s name inside their clothing for when they’re away at camp, because that makes it easier for them to not lose their clothes with other kids who may have the same ones.
  
  It’s quite another to have the kid’s name prominently displayed on their clothing. It’s not only a safety issue but I find it kinda tacky (as is any clothing that prominently displays brand name logos). No person’s body should be a billboard – for a name brand or for their own name, either.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 8:48 pm rating: 90
- #26.5 JoDa
  
  Okay, I kind of agree that personalized clothing is dumb, but read that list of ways someone might learn a kid’s name more carefully. Which is more likely: (a) abductor gets close enough to little Schnowflaykee to see that she has “Schnowflaykee” monogramed in 1″ letters on her shirt, or (b) hangs around pretending to read a book and overhears “Preschiouslee” say “hey, Schnowflaykee, think fast” before poking her in the eye.
  
  Apr 24, 2015 at 5:31 pm rating: 90
- #26.6 JoDa
  
  Plus, parents are extremely vigilant these days, to excess. Last summer, I took my dog out for a walk on a hot day, and while the walk wasn’t long (less than a mile), he was HURTING when we got close to home. Even though the park on the corner prohibits dogs, I ventured in and said to a couple of parents “I’m so sorry, I know I’m not supposed to bring him in here, but he needs a drink and a soaking to cool down. Would you mind if I gave him a drink from the fountain and sprayed him down so we can get home safe? He likes kids and won’t bother anyone.” The parents I addressed were very nice and welcoming and saw that my dog needed that water and cool-down.
  
  I turned on the lower spigot on the fountain and cupped my hand below it so he could have a drink, and then sprayed the water on him. After 2 minutes in the park, he perked up, and we went home.
  
  The next day, I walked by the same park, and someone had posted a half-dozen “no dogs” signs, PLUS signs that said adults without children were only allowed in the park after 6 PM (despite the park hosting many adult things like community gardens, a mini-library, and picnic areas that can be reserved by local residents). I talked to a couple parents, and they said that one of the parents felt I was trying to “lure” their children by bringing my dog into the park, so they posted the signs. Those parents knew I was doing nothing of the sort, but they were powerless to prevent the over-reaction.
  
  Seriously, I don’t want your kid. I have a dog and no kids because I hate kids. Abducting a kid is the last thing I would ever think of doing. If all adults without children in tow are “scary,” you need a shrink…
  
  May 1, 2015 at 2:47 am rating: 92
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#27 Juggs

(potential kidnapper, sees name on shirt)
Hey, little American Eagle, get in the van and I’ll give you some candy!

Whatta idiot.

Apr 18, 2015 at 9:24 am rating: 90

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#28 janet

NO gifts for you!!!!!!!

I would actually be a real bitch and give the kid formula, wrap it up and have his parents explain to him why he got it.

(this so reminds me of people I run into at the foodbank I volunteer at who only want brand name food!)

Apr 18, 2015 at 4:04 pm rating: 90

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- #28.1 L
  
  You know, this kid can’t be more than turning 2, from the context of 3+ books in the letter. Before that age, they probably WOULD enjoy opening a can of formula. “I GET TO RIP STUFF???? YAY!”
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 1:33 am rating: 90
- #28.2 L
  
  OH and your last sentence reminded me – sometimes store brand foods have extra stuff that isn’t allergy safe, but name brands don’t. Like if you buy the right brand of marshmallows, they’re peanut free, but store or off brand may have trace contamination.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 1:34 am rating: 90
- #28.3 janet
  
  ALL formula (at least in Canada) is made to the same standards and rulings as brand name formulas are … and our generic foods have the same rules and must put allergen awareness and warnings on them – everything from no name formula to tuna to saltines are under the same rulings for allergen declaration.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 2:29 pm rating: 90
- #28.4 AP
  
  There is prescription formula for babies with severe allergies or GI issues. It’s not common, but it does happen that some babies are born with multiple severe food intolerances and can only eat a few things that aren’t water.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 3:49 pm rating: 90
- #28.5 L
  
  I’m not saying they’re not labelled, but like – I’ve bought name brand marshmallows that are made in a peanut-free facility, and store brand that aren’t. If you need things to be non-allergen contaminated, labelling alone doesn’t help you. I know they’re labelled. I don’t think we’re having the same conversation here, though.
  
  AP: My mother! She spent the first 2 years of her life in the hospital because she was allergic to everything. My aunt remembers once they got to bring her home for a week and she went into look at my mom in the morning, and her entire crib was soaked in blood.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 8:25 pm rating: 90
- #28.6 Kasaba
  
  Wait, wait, wait, rewind. Her ENTIRE crib was soaked with blood?
  
  Explain, please. How are you alive if your mother as a baby lost enough blood to soak a crib. Or was she allergic to small animals and perhaps soaking her crib in their blood?
  
  Apr 20, 2015 at 2:54 pm rating: 90
- #28.7 L
  
  Well, you know. My aunt was only a 18 months older, so maybe 3-4, so a large amount of blood in her little sister’s crib would be pretty traumatic, but it was severe enough that she got sent across the hill of the farmstead to tell her grandmother to call the nearest neighbour who had a car because my grandfather was away for the week working (follow that???) to drive them into town so she’d go back to the hospital.
  
  I can’t remember if it was allergy to the bedding, or diapers, or what, but seriously. Allergic to everything. It wasn’t until she was around 2 that she got to come home for the majority of the time.
  
  Apr 20, 2015 at 9:21 pm rating: 90
- #28.8 Dolly
  
  actually as a food allergy mom, unfortunately not all brands or off brands are safe. I know which brands are safe and which are not and we have to buy accordingly. But if they don’t have a food allergy than they really have no reason then besides maybe having a very picky kid that will only eat certain brands. Which I have an autistic kid too so I deal with that some too. Yay for my special needs kids!
  
  Anyway, I try to donate allergy safe food to the food bank every so often. I donated a bunch of jars of wowbutter which is a peanut butter substitute and told them to keep it on hand in case any allergy families came and needed it. Since pb is a big staple at the food bank but that sure screws a family hard up for food with a peanut allergy. We would be in trouble if we ever needed food bank food because probably half of it would kill my son.
  
  And for the expensive formula- there is prescription formulas or ones like neosure which is higher calorie than regular formula. It is for preemies and low birth weight babies to get them growing faster. And it is twice as expensive as regular formula. There are also formulas for allergic babies or babies with severe colic or gastro issues.
  
  So don’t automatically assume they are trying to be special snowflakes if they can’t use plain old similac. There may be a medical reason.
  
  Apr 26, 2015 at 9:35 am rating: 90
- #28.9 L
  
  Some things just aren’t RIGHT in no-name, and I’m saying this as someone who didn’t have certain brands until she was in her teens, and prefers some no-names. I will pay for the good ketchup.
  
  Plus if you shop well, you can get a lot of name brands on sale. KD goes on sale for 10 for 10 fairly often.
  
  Apr 26, 2015 at 11:29 am rating: 90
- #28.10 The Elf
  
  I’m going to go out on a limb and say if that XXXX had an allergy or had special needs, it would be in the letter at least twice.
  
  Apr 27, 2015 at 8:13 am rating: 90
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#29 Poltergeist

These people are insufferable and I hope their precious snowflake grows up to torment them.

Apr 18, 2015 at 8:39 pm rating: 90

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#30 a*p

I have sometimes sent lists/suggestions to those that ask me what do Little Joe and Jane need/don’t have, but this one is over the top.

Apr 18, 2015 at 9:15 pm rating: 90

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- #30.1 JoDa
  
  Lists of suggestions/needs are VERY welcome if I ask for them. I often ask for friend/family kids because I want to get them something useful/needed. But I would be rather offended if I got a list, without even asking for it, of only 4 expensive gifts I was “allowed” to buy, or else include a receipt in case they want the cash instead.
  
  When I ask friends/family for suggestions, they’re usually quite general (“she’s into dress-up stuff, books about horses, and simple puzzles”). That’s great info. “Here, buy this expensive thing, not that you asked…and your invite to the party is in the mail” is snobbery of the finest form.
  
  Apr 19, 2015 at 1:11 am rating: 90
- #30.2 JoDa
  
  Plus, a general list is budget-sensitive. While I’m not running a budget so tight it squeaks, most of the kids I’m close enough to to attend their birthday party live pretty far away. I already dropped a couple bills on a plane ticket to get here (I certainly don’t attend every one every year, but I do make my trips “home” around those numerous birthday parties, so I hit a couple), I’m not dropping the same amount on some *very specific* expensive gift. And I’m not paying eleventy billion dollars to ship something large and fragile if this is not the year for me to attend that particular birthday party. My budget for little kid gifts never exceeds $50, unless it’s something very necessary and long-lasting like a high chair, booster car seat (buying one of these for a family member this year), or their first big-kid bed (and that’s for family only).
  
  Apr 24, 2015 at 5:45 pm rating: 90
- #30.3 Dolly
  
  see that is fine what you did. Manners pretty much say if someone asks for suggestions, you can send a list or give suggestions. But they have to ASK first. Meaning don’t send out rude letters like this.
  
  Apr 26, 2015 at 9:37 am rating: 90
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#31 Brian H

I take it this is their first child.

The kidnapping line is hilarious.

Apr 19, 2015 at 1:33 am rating: 90

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#32 Roxy Random

I love the line about restricting it to “direct” relatives, meaning those who can be guilted into buying a gift. F*** that! I wouldn’t care if this mother was my twin sister, if I got a note like this (and *before* the invite, to boot), they wouldn’t get a thing from me. Too bad for the kid, who’s too young to understand that he has douche parents.

Apr 19, 2015 at 8:39 am rating: 90

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#33 Jodie

Aside from anything else, they’re also denying their son the chance to get really unique, special gifts that the gift-giver has put a lot of thought into, maybe even handmade gifts. A knitted jacket from Grandma is worth a lot more than mass-produced junk from Walmart or Ikea.

Apr 19, 2015 at 11:07 am rating: 90

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- #33.1 Chicken Lips
  
  That request was in the other email.
  
  Apr 20, 2015 at 9:16 pm rating: 90
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#34 janet

I wonder if these people know if their letter is now online being laughed at by the sane people of the world???????

Apr 19, 2015 at 2:26 pm rating: 90

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- #34.1 Chicken Lips
  
  That request was in the other email.
  
  Apr 20, 2015 at 9:14 pm rating: 90
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#35 Nica

Only thing these gauche idiots would be getting from me is a big ol’ NO response once the invitation arrived.

Being told what to bring to a party rankles me, this is like that to the power of a million. I don’t know the parents, I don’t know the kid and this STILL made my blood boil.

Apr 19, 2015 at 7:25 pm rating: 90

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#36 Lisa

I think a birthday card with twenty bucks in it and have done with it. My son’s grandparents would send over the Christmas catalog and tell him to mark which things he wanted, and would choose from that list, plus some surprises. We (I) never told anyone what to get him for birthdays or Christmas. My sister, on the other hand, wanted to tell us what to get her kids, name brand and all, because it just had to be the right brand.

He was not a spoiled brat about food, either. He learned as a toddler to eat lots of things, and like them. When he was almost up from his nap, I would put little dishes with a spoonful of different fruits and vegetables on the coffee table, and he would try everything. He is twenty-two, now, and a very nice young man.

Apr 19, 2015 at 10:42 pm rating: 90

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#37 sunshynegrll

Dear [redacted],
In spite of your request for no books, I am sending a book – ‘How to Divorce Your Parents’. Your unfortunate son will no doubt get a lot of use out of it in the coming years.

Apr 20, 2015 at 3:26 am rating: 90

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#38 LiQUiD CheeZ

Some one please make a short movie on… Too lazy to read..

Apr 24, 2015 at 6:23 am rating: 90

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#39 kaetra

They forgot to add the link to their kid’s Formula Crowdsourcing Facebook page.

This has got to go on the Top Ten Douchebags of 2015 list. Their family should start giving them “we made a donation in your kid’s name to charity” gifts.

Even though they’ve gone about it in a completely douchebag way, I can sympathize somewhat with the parents. People can go completely overboard with gifts for small kids and too frequently it’s stuff that winds up being clutter. Having to tell our family members we donated many of her gifts to charity because we just plain don’t have space led to very hurt feelings.

Apr 25, 2015 at 7:59 pm rating: 90

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- #39.1 kaetra
  
  Telling them they went to charity only after the giver came over and asked to actually see the gifts being used, of course.
  
  Apr 25, 2015 at 8:02 pm rating: 90
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#40 Arhi Mith

I don’t understand an entire concept of giving a one-yr-old a birthday party. Mom, dad, siblings, a close aunty and/or granny — yes, sure, why not. But a real party with invitations? Huh?

Anyway, I don’t think this mom will have much problem with the guests — there won’t be any.

Apr 29, 2015 at 8:15 am rating: 90

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#41 JK

I’m on my way out the door to find an electric guitar with amp on final sale/clearance…no returns.

Apr 30, 2015 at 10:09 am rating: 90

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#42 CracX

That’s a nice step taken by you people! Everyone got its needed things on their Birthdays!

May 1, 2015 at 2:49 pm rating: 90

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#43 Rivkatheaspie

If formula’s costing so much, why not ask for that instead?

May 2, 2015 at 10:27 am rating: 90

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#44 Tia

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May 16, 2015 at 12:08 pm rating: 90

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