That’s MBA-speak for “machine’s broken”

November 7th, 2015 · 42 comments

Hmm, looks like someone on the second floor could use a Snickers.

That's MBA-speak for "machine's broken"

related: Raging against the (vending) machine

FILED UNDER: Madison · office · vending machine drama


42 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Belle

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqbomTIWCZ8

    Nov 7, 2015 at 12:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Lita bang

    Okay, this one made me laugh, if only because I have also dealt with a cash-only vending machine which decided it didn’t want to be fed my cash. Or anyone’s really.

    Nov 7, 2015 at 1:17 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   assiveProgressive

    The vending machine company at work has been doing such a poor job of stocking up on appealing, fresh items, that I’ve actually lost weight.

    Nov 8, 2015 at 9:32 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Belaani

    The Alpaca farm is still an option.

    Nov 8, 2015 at 11:50 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Chug

      Do alpacas have vending machines?

      Nov 8, 2015 at 4:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Lil'

      No. Oh well, alpaca lunch instead.

      Thank you! I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your servers.

      Nov 9, 2015 at 8:46 am   rating: 91  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Lita bang

      Boo, Lil, boo! You ought to be (lunch) sacked… ;)

      Nov 9, 2015 at 9:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Lil'

      I know, Lita, I know…but I couldn’t help myself. The temptation was too great.

      Nov 9, 2015 at 11:48 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Lita bang

      I’ll forgive you this time.

      Nov 9, 2015 at 3:05 pm   rating: 91  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Poltergeist

    I’m torn about my opinion of the notewriter. Part of me believes that they have a great sense of humor and would be awesome to hang out with. The other part believes that they’re an obnoxious know-it-all who loves to hear themself talk.

    The world may never know.

    Nov 8, 2015 at 4:59 pm   rating: 91  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Mike

      A person who would place “attended prestigious business school” in front of “years of experience” is either a proud young graduate who does not yet have any professional accomplishments or a proud old graduate that doesn’t have any professional accomplishments.
      I don’t discount the possibility of the proud young graduate with a sense of humor (trying to drive home the point with multiple sources and excessive wordiness strikes me like an academic paper rather than a practical document). I think someone going for humor would do something like “Here’s some advice from the business experts this machine is supposed to serve: If your machine won’t take the customers’ cash, you won’t make any.”

      Nov 9, 2015 at 11:27 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   AP

      Someone who went to Wharton or Harvard Business School probably will wear that label proudly for the rest of his life, even if he or she becomes one of the nation’s most prominent and wealthy business leaders.

      Nov 12, 2015 at 12:43 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Mike

      I’d expect to see that credential framed on their office wall, on a resume, and in a professional bio. It’s just arrogance to bring it up casually, especially more than a year or two out of school.

      Nov 17, 2015 at 11:16 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Haterade

      But very, very human. (^_~)

      “Hey everyone, did you know that on this day* in 1872, Vesuvius erupted? Imagine that! I would have never guessed I was born on the same day that Vesuvius erupted!”

      “Wow, the sun is so bright today! I can hardly see with all the glare off of my new (engagement) ring!”

      “Hey John, could you help me out for a second? I’m not sure where to hang this photo of me shaking hands with Donald Trump. Would it look better by the topless picture of Paris Hilton tanning herself on my yacht, or my diploma from Harvard Business School?

      * – Not today, just part of the joke. But I kinda wish I could have found the birthday of someone I admire instead, as opposed to Phil Robertson and Kelly Clarkson.

      Nov 17, 2015 at 2:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   The Beast Among Us

    You know you’re at a new low when you actually want something from the office vending machine.

    Nov 9, 2015 at 4:30 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   JoDa

      I see a Diet Coke behind that sign. I want…nay, I NEED…the fruits of that vending machine. At precisely 2:17 PM every day. Possibly again at 4:30, if I’ve dealt with much BS that day.

      Nov 10, 2015 at 6:29 pm   rating: 91  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   JoDa

      (Also at 6 PM if I’m still there with no hope of leaving in sight. Fortunately, I keep a little kicker in my desk drawer for those nights…)

      Nov 10, 2015 at 6:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Rattus

      My office vending machine sells Jalapeno Miss Vickies – yes, I want. In fact, I’m going to go get some now.

      Nov 11, 2015 at 11:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Lita bang

      Buy me a bag? I’ll pay you back.

      Nov 11, 2015 at 2:07 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   The Beast Among Us

      Rattus, as much as I love those chips, I wouldn’t buy them from the machine in my office. By the time they get to the machine here, they’re only a few days away from their sell-by date, and the machine wants me to pay a whole dollar for them. I can get a box of fresh ones from Sam’s Club for under $13 (43¢ each bag, 30 in a box).

      Nov 11, 2015 at 2:12 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Rattus

    Jalapeno Miss Vickies for everyone!!!

    The Beast, one of the only two benefits for working for a massive multi-national corporation (the other is a decent pension) is that they are insistent that the vending machines be stocked with stuff that won’t sicken or kill the poor unfortunates who work 80 hour weeks. That wouldn’t be me – a day I’m not unlocking my bike by 4:31 is a day my overseers will rue.

    Nov 11, 2015 at 2:30 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   The Beast Among Us

      You’re lucky. I work for a multinational corporation, too, and they couldn’t care less about our vittles. The executives simply expense their meals every day, so if it doesn’t affect them, they don’t care.

      Nov 12, 2015 at 12:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Haterade

    You’re both lucky – mine pretends to care, which is somehow much more galling than outright caring or not caring.

    Sorry for being so grumpy… at my company this is “employee appreciation week”, where management is required to give us lots of compliments and provide relatively inexpensive food every day. By sheer coincidence, it occurs just before the company climate survey.

    (The universal vehemence of our opinions on being ignored about destructively short-sighted policies, and on yet another year of being paid considerably less than the industry average while promised the opposite, actually kinda surprised me last year. And it quite baffled the executives.)

    Also by sheer coincidence, they want to remove the unfortunate ambiguity of last year’s survey, so they were quite explicit that they want to hear our opinions about our immediate supervisors rather than upper management.

    Nov 12, 2015 at 1:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Lita bang

      You’re entitled to some cranky, Haterade. I would be cranky too.

      Nov 12, 2015 at 3:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   The Beast Among Us

      That “moral boosters just before the satisfaction surveys” is quite common. My company does that quite often.

      I’m also always told, “If you ever need help, or if you’re overwhelmed with work, just let us know and we can figure something out.”

      By “we can figure something out” they mean “you stay late by yourself and get it done or else…”

      Typical lip service from management.

      Nov 12, 2015 at 3:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Rattus

      Actually, I don’t really think mine care. It’s just that the vending machine clears out so often because a large number of the staff are working literally 80 hour weeks and don’t have time to leave the premises for real food.

      And god, yeah, I hate corporate buzzwordery with a passion. And meetings. And excess, but useless, training for events that won’t be taking place for four to six months, at which point the training must be retaken.

      Also discovered something else I really, really hate about corporate life. We took some of the aforementioned useless training a couple of weeks ago, which was followed by a survey request to rate the training. I asked my boss, who used to run the training department, just how anonymous the surveys are. Apparently, not anonymous at all. So no, they won’t be finding out from my just how snippy, unpleasant, and verbose the trainer was, how useless to my team a goodly portion of the training was, and how the entire thing could have been accomplished in a single day, rather than two, by someone who had some talent for teaching.

      Come oooooooonnnnnn, retirement!!!

      Nov 13, 2015 at 9:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   Rattus

      Actually, I don’t really think mine care. It’s just that the vending machine clears out so often because a large number of the staff are working literally 80 hour weeks and don’t have time to leave the premises for real food.

      And god, yeah, I hate corporate buzzwordery with a passion. And meetings. And excess, but useless, training for events that won’t be taking place for four to six months, at which point the training must be retaken.

      Also discovered something else I really, really hate about corporate life. We took some of the aforementioned useless training a couple of weeks ago, which was followed by a survey request to rate the training. I asked my boss, who used to run the training department, just how anonymous the surveys are. Apparently, not anonymous at all. So no, they won’t be finding out from my just how snippy, unpleasant, and verbose the trainer was, how useless to my team a goodly portion of the training was, and how the entire thing could have been accomplished in a single day, rather than two, by someone who had some talent for teaching.

      Come oooooooonnnnnn, retirement!!!

      Nov 13, 2015 at 10:01 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   The Beast Among Us

      Rattus, you dirty, Double Poster!

      Corporate life makes me want to kick a pooping dog.

      I was reprimanded for my comments in a survey once. So much for that “no retaliation” policy… Now I just answer 3 on everything.

      Nov 13, 2015 at 12:18 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   Rattus

      I’m a double poster, a double dipper, a double fisted drinker – basically I’ll take more than one of anything that’s on offer.

      I’m okay with dogs. Corporate life makes me want to kick a smirking CEO off of his yacht into a harbour aswarm with men o’war.

      Nov 13, 2015 at 1:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.7   Haterade

      I’m a bit more mean-spirited. I’d like to kick a drunk male CEO into a donut shop that has a cute waitress, then upload the inevitable results to youtube.

      Nov 14, 2015 at 12:27 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Haterade

    I’ll trade you, Rattus… we’re learning all about “Lean” right now, which I believe is the fad du jour. It’s a series of videos which essentially recite random dates and factoids in the history of corporations and mass production, and toss out some potentially-interesting concepts either in such vague terms that they mean nothing, or as general aphorisms that aren’t explored. To encourage us to pay attention, they ask trivia questions afterward that have nothing to do with actual learning (i.e. “Who watched ships being mass-produced at the Venetian Arsenal in 1574?”).

    The most painful part is that if you think about and understand some of the concepts, it’s obvious that corporate’s implementation pays lip service to them while doing the exact opposite. I almost got myself in trouble a couple of weeks ago by obliquely saying as much, but it was passive-aggressively satisfying enough to be worth it.

    Nov 13, 2015 at 1:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Haterade

      Dadgummit, sorry – that’s the second time I didn’t respond in the thread, and I’m not sure how it’s happening. =/

      Nov 13, 2015 at 1:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Rattus

      I’m not sure whose life makes me want to cry more, Haterade, yours or mine…I’m going to go with mine. Waaaahhhhh!!!!

      We’ve been going through a…thing…the past few years, and all I can make sense of it is…world domination by 2020 maybe? I dunno. It’s buzzwordery at its finest.

      Nov 13, 2015 at 2:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Haterade

      Ouch… it sounds like perhaps they expect you to think up ways to agree with them, which is indeed a special kind of hell compared to just being treated like second-graders reciting what the teacher tells them.

      In my own strange fashion I would love to be doused in buzzwordery, but I would get fired in pretty short order for failing to keep a straight face at some of the abuses of the language. My long-time favorite has been “impacted” because the original meaning often substitutes quite humorously into what they think they’re saying… but one recent example may have pushed another word over the tipping point instead.

      A training manual we were printing for training managers of a nameless fast-food chain had two foldouts, one of which had a checklist of buzzwords to “accomplish” every day. For all that people at my job keep getting disciplined for meaningless violations of policy, it could be worse… at M*********, they “execute every shift”.

      I’m sure they mean well, to show people it’s a grave mistake to not do what they’re told (or face collective punishment)… but I don’t know how they expect people to learn the lesson if they execute every shift. It probably does save a good bit of money for ingredients, though, so I guess it has synergy.

      Nov 13, 2015 at 8:06 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   magicdomino

      My favorite piece of jargon: “Please socialize this document with your division head.” Feral kittens need socialization. Neglected dogs need socialization. Socialization means teaching someone how to behave well with other members of society. Inanimate objects cannot socialize because they just kind of sit there.

      At first I thought it was a typo, but the writer used it again in another email. Don’t ask me what the emails were about; they were so full of jargon that I couldn’t figure them out.

      Nov 16, 2015 at 4:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   Haterade

      Inanimate objects cannot socialize because they just kind of sit there.

      That does explain some of the managers I’ve worked with over the years.

      But if they just sit there too long, they may become impacted. This means drilling down to leverage some low-hanging fruit into the ecosystem because it is what it is.

      (One of the people I have the pleasure of working near is extremely fond of using that last expression, as if to disclaim any sense of responsibility, just before he drops some of the low-hanging fruit his team took to the next level onto my team. One of these days it may lead to taking it offline and giving 110% execution.)

      Nov 16, 2015 at 6:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   The Beast Among Us

      “Drilling down to leverage some low-hanging fruit” sounds like a euphemism for requesting an under-the-desk blow job.

      Nov 17, 2015 at 2:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.7   labdude

      I dunno, Beast, to me, “drilling” was always associated with the *opposite* end.

      Nov 18, 2015 at 2:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Kimberly

    “Hmm, looks like someone on the second floor could use a Snickers”

    Sure they could use one but since the machine doesn’t accept cash they can’t get one and have to write passive-aggressive notes instead.

    Nov 18, 2015 at 4:26 pm   rating: 92  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   The Beast Among Us

      You’re not yourself when you’re hungry.

      Nov 30, 2015 at 3:01 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Mikel Hood

    Very funny stuff here. Can’t wait to read more.

    Feb 12, 2017 at 8:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Janet Byrnes

    Love your site and glad I came across this today. Keep it up!

    Feb 19, 2017 at 9:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up