“If you want respect,” barked the Daddy tree, “you gotta earn it. Show ‘some freakin’ acorns!”

“But Daaaaaaad,” whined the trembling young sapling. “I just…I just want to be beautiful!”

“What is this, a goddamn Shel Silverstein book? Quit your birching already.”

(As witnessed by Kevin in Arcata, California, and (below) by Taber in Richmond, Virginia.)

But as Michael in Seattle observed, at least one of those sad little trees wasn’t about to let his bully of a father have the last word.

related: The right to bear fruit

At first glance, would you assume that the the writer of this note….

a) is kind of a racist prick?

b) has a thing against students/alumni from a certain university in Providence, R.I.?

c) has a penchant for using confusing euphemisms for bodily waste?

I’ll admit I assumed the answer was either a or b, until I read the submitter’s explanation about where the note was found: above the stinky toilet in a share house of (mostly male) British university students.

The verdict: Still offensive, just, you know, in a different way.

related: 2 notes, 1 cupcake

Laura in Los Angeles spotted this note at a tropical-themed family restaurant in Rosemead, California, where aquariums figure heavily into the decor. The biggest fish, Laura says, occupies his (her?) own tank at the front of the restaurant.

Piscine body image issues aside, as a former casual-dining restaurant hostess  — a job that generally means bearing the brunt of the bullshit from pissy customers, stressed-out servers, and douche-nozzle managers with very little power to make anyone happy — I can certainly empathize with the note writer…though I highly doubt it’s actually eliminated the litany of  the “oh, that poor fish!” comments that inspired it.

related: no, yuppie, my cow’s not starving

This little water fountain with big dreams was spotted by Elizabeth in an Indianapolis college dorm. The illegible signature is a nice touch, no?

related: I eat dirty plates

Caroline sends this delightful trio of holier-than-thou notes from “a rather famous university in Scotland where many students and staff have delusions of grandeur.”

The first  note was spotted, Caroline says, while exiting a building “where many people work late and lights are almost always burning to help us find our way through the maze of corridors. I found these stuck to just about every light switch in the vicinity. Luckily, I snapped a picture as the next day they were all crumpled into balls and thrown on the floor in what i assume was a protest against sexualising light switches.”

(“Next time,” she adds, “I will make sure my light switch is fully satisfied before I leave.”)

The second note, Caroline says, “is posted in a building where, due to the age of the pipes, the water is filled with lead and unsafe to drink, meaning water coolers are conveniently posted on most floors. I know we are a biology building and we have to care about the environment and blah blah blah, but while we are doing our world-saving research, would it be ok if we just had a cup of water that isn’t going to kill us?” [Ed. note: Yes, the note-writer has a point.]

The final note is posted next to the door leading to one of the outside smoking areas. “Unfortunately,” Caroline says, “it tends to have the opposite effect than intended. Every time I see it, I find myself having to sneak one in.”

Moral of the story this website: even if you’re on the most solid moral/ethical/logical/legal ground, writing an snotty note about it will backfire on you more often than not. [insert maniacal emoticon]

related: Al Gore knows you know drove when you could have taken your new bicycle

Rachel in Victoria, B.C. found this somewhat puzzling bit of anthropomorphism (stairs have feelings? really?) posted in the elevator of her building. “My favourite part is ‘your bum will love it,’” Rachel says. “No better way to guilt trip people into ‘saving energy’ than by insinuating that they’re fat!”

related: Hey, fatty

Spotted at a local restaurant by Kevin in Boston…

“As a college student used to her freedom, I’m sometimes gone for days at a time when I’m home for the summer,” explains Jesse from Gurnee, Illinois, admitting that during this time, her betta fish, Freddie Mercury, tends to go unfed.

“My 14-year old-sister has shown him mercy a a few times,” Jesse says, and admirably, “she’s never asked for thanks.” But Freddie, it seems, has had just about enough of this neglect.

related: Through a glass bowl, darkly
extra credit: “You can call me the manatee!” [youtube]