Entries Tagged as 'bathroom'

Diagnosis: Toilet (an exercise in psychoceramics)

January 16th, 2011 · 32 Comments

Is your toilet acting up again? Has your plumber already thrown up his hands and said he’s done everything he can? Perhaps it’s time you turned to Dr. Josiah Carberry, foremost expert in psychoceramics, to determine what’s really got your pot cracked.

Just take a look at these real-life examples:

1. Diagnosis: Irritable Bowl Syndrome

Plea from a Toilet: The life of a toilet is much more stressful than people realize...  Please don't throw anything but toilet paper into my bowl. I just can't handle it right now.

2. Diagnosis: Gross motor skill impairment

Do not throw anything to toilet "please"

3. Diagnosis: Projection and Displacement behaviors potentially indicative of a narcissistic personality type…or too many episodes of The Sopranos

Take care of me and I will take care of you. I don't eat paper towels, baby wipes, napkins, or any female products. Sincerely, The Toilet.

(Thanks to Adam in New York, Janet in Northern Virginia, and Tamie in Tampa for their submissions…and apologies to any readers offended by the excessive use of puns.)

related: Five reasons to be glad you’re not a plumber

Tags: anthropomorphism · kinda creepy · toilet · unnecessary "quotation marks"

If you don’t read this, the terrorists win! Do you hate America?

December 22nd, 2010 · 47 Comments

Did you hear? Jack Bauer is back again! He’s now working unofficially as the head of the Cubicle Counter Terrorism Unit. And apparently, he gets his best propaganda ideas right here at PAN!

IF YOU SPIT YOUR GUM INTO THE URINAL, THE TERRORISTS. WIN. DO YOU HATE AMERICA?

If you don't replace the toilet roll, the terrorists have won. Do you hate America?

If you don't make more coffee the terrorists win!!! Why do you hate america???

Coffee Pot Threat Level

HEY! Yeah, you. Do you hate America? Every wasted drop of water represents a victory for the terrorists. Please, show your patriotism: Turn off the sink. -Thanks!

If you don't replace the toilet paper, the terrorists win. Do you hate America?

(Thanks to Lisa in Utah, Tyler in Texas, Michael in Ohio and Sleepy Engineer in Virginia for their submissions!)

related: Five approaches to TP maintenance (the original “terrorists win” note)

Tags: bathroom · clip art catastrophe · coffee · Copycat · misplaced patriotism · office cop · toilet paper

Well, that’s one way around that pesky “no eating in the library” rule

December 12th, 2010 · 53 Comments

Christian and John in Manchester, U.K. spotted this sign in the library of Manchester Metropolitan University…where the fridge thieves must be really, really ruthless (or the librarians very, very dotty).

This particular library, says John, “is where the vast majority of the university’s science and law students go. I have to wonder what sort of a university I go to if prospective engineers, biologists, chemists, physicists and lawyers have to be specifically asked not to put food in the toilet brush holders.”

Adds Christian: “I imagine a further note reading: ‘Please Do Not Poop On The Ceiling.’”

Please Do Not Put Food in the Toilet Brush Holders. Thank you!

Meanwhile, in Cambridge…further evidence of U.K. university students’ curious predilection for eating while toileting.

DUE TO MASSIVE CANINE INFESTATION WE MUST ASK YOU TO  PLEASE NOT LEAVE ANY UNCOVERED FOOD OUT IN THIS BATHROOM  THANK YOU HOUSEKEEPING

related: Pizza box as air freshener?

Tags: bathroom · Cambridge · college life · food · Manchester · U.K. · WTF?

Warning: Beware of banana peels, falling anvils, and wet paint

November 16th, 2010 · 54 Comments

“I’m sure they didn’t actually paint the toilet seats,” says Brett in Syracuse. And yet, he says, when he saw this sign posted by a former co-worker, “I couldn’t stop laughing about the idea that that’s what got her.”

Thank you for the sign stating there would be wet paint in the bathroom! (Yes! This IS passive aggressive!)

Perhaps a few signs like this (as spotted by Madeline at her university’s art studio) would have made for a proper rebuttal?

I'm not sure if this is wet

Maybe you should touch it.  That's what you do with wet paint, right?

related: Ceci n’est pas une note passif-agressif

Tags: bathroom · college life · meta · office · sarcasm · smartass · thanks (but not really)

And heaven forbid a man even imagine cleaning a toilet himself…

November 13th, 2010 · 60 Comments

Katrina‘s husband spotted this sign in the men’s room of his office in Roswell, Georgia, shortly before the boss ordered it taken down. (The “…or I will cut you” part of the manager’s removal directive was implied, obviously. Because that’s just how they do things around there.)

GENTLEMAN use these restrooms as if your wife had to clean them. And not some strange black lady with a knife. Thank you

related: He’s disgusting AND he hates the environment!

Tags: cleaning · crazypants · disgruntled janitor · Georgia · irregular capitalization · most popular notes of 2010 · office · toilet

On second thought…just keep it.

November 9th, 2010 · 53 Comments

Emily spotted this please in the bathroom of a women’s college dorm in New York City. (“I think the ‘women’s college’ portion is the imperative detail here,” she adds.)

Please give me back my razor. I understand if you can't afford to buy new razors; I can't either. (I've had to borrow razors from friends.) Besides which, the Venus razor you stole VIBRATES. Did you REALLY think I only used it for SHAVING? No joke. PLEASE RETURN IT

Meanwhile, I’m still a little suspicious of the fact that this person seems dead-set on getting this razor — a razor that has been presumably been used by someone else —  returned for her own use. I’m assuming it’s one of those replacable-head types, but even so, you still run the risk of come face-to-face with something like this — a Venus razor used by a roommate of Kayla in Tennessee:

If only there was an easy way to get Hepatitis C...

It’s hard to think of something less appropriately named after the goddess of love and beauty, no?

related: Enjoy the toothbrush!

Tags: "accidental" "borrowing" · bathroom · college life · hygiene · New York · stealing · Tennessee · that's unsanitary · TMI

He likes it with the lights on.

November 5th, 2010 · 36 Comments

For your typographical titillation: a Friday quickie from Liz in Portland…

When exciting [sic] the bathroom please leave the light on.

related: You turned me on and left me.

Tags: bathroom · double-entendre alert · energy usage · Freudian shit · Portland

Papa’s John

October 31st, 2010 · 82 Comments

If you needed another reason to be happy you don’t live in Utah, Justin brings us this explosion of bad ideas from a Provo office park.

I put this in the bathroom (to act as an air freshener) b/c when you crap and leave the door open the smell comes down the hall into my office. I can't work when I smell your BM. If I can't work, I can't make money to buy food for my kids. That can't be very healthy for my kids not to eat. Please shut the door after you crap so I don't have to smell it!!! Thanks!

(I’m going with “Team None-of-the-Above” for this one.)

Why did you put this in the bathroom trash? It makes me really uncomfortable to go to the bathroom when I smell food...Sometimes I can't go, & this is really unhealthy for my body!

I put this in the bathroom (to act as an air freshener) b/c when you crap and leave the door open the smell comes down the hall into my office. I can't work when I smell your BM. If I can't work, I can't make money to buy food for my kids. That can't be very healthy for my kids not to eat. Please shut the door after you crap so I don't have to smell it!!! Thanks!

related: The bathroom walls are NOT soundproof.

extra credit: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pizza Air Freshener

Tags: bathroom · guilt trip · odor · pizza · Provo · questionable logic · rebuttals · shit · that's disgusting · that's unhealthy · toilet · Utah · WTF?

Just back away, slowly

October 19th, 2010 · 42 Comments

You’d think, as Jen from St. Louis did, that this carefully typed message (from the public toilet at the Golden Gate Bridge), is indisputably good advice.

Please use a piece of toilet paper before flushing.

But as Kim observed while studying abroad on the Caribbean island of St. Maarten, there’s an exception (explosion?) to every rule.

MADAME, PLEASE DON'T THROW TOILET PAPER IN THE TOILET BOWL BECAUSE IT WILL EXPOLDE [sic] ON YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

related: Poseidon’s a pervert

Tags: bizarro spacing · CAPS LOCK · Clearly a non-native English speaker · toilet · toilet paper · unnecessary "quotation marks" · WTF?

It’s called “performance art.”

October 12th, 2010 · 59 Comments

Based on this example — spotted by Erin in the employee restroom of an AT&T Store in Los Angeles — I think the Kiwis have a clear edge over us Yanks…at least when it comes to smartass bathroom snark.

If you need to extract dried mucus from your nose, please use a tissue. The bathroom walls are not the place for them. [Response 1:] It's called

related: The bathroom-stall booger epidemic

extra credit: National stereotypes according to Google Autofill [buzzfeed.com]

Tags: art · bathroom · nose-picking · retail hell · smartass