PassiveAggressiveNotes.com » bodily fluids http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people Wed, 08 Feb 2012 19:51:33 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Short on New Year’s resolutions? The janitor has a few suggestions for you. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/12/30/new-years-resolutions/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/12/30/new-years-resolutions/#comments Fri, 30 Dec 2011 19:29:16 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=20056 From the ladies’ room…

New Year's Resolution: I WILL FLUSH THE TOILET AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES TO MAKE MY CRAP DISAPPEAR.

And the men’s room…

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS: *I will not pee on the floor *I will not pee on the toilet seats *I will not throw paper towels on the floor (either inside or outside the restroom) *I will not leave paper towels (or pieces of them) on the counter

And the men’s room, one day later…

FIXED THAT FOR YOU

related: And a Happy New Year to you!

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/12/30/new-years-resolutions/feed/ 39 The Dog Shit Sheriff of Berkeley http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/11/28/dog-shit-sheriff/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/11/28/dog-shit-sheriff/#comments Mon, 28 Nov 2011 20:41:09 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=19953 Joe in Berkeley doesn’t know who this note was intended for, but it showed up on his porch sometime after Thanksgiving dinner.

Mr. Cranky - While I understand that dog[s] shit on your lawn frequently...don't EVER come at me, my girlfriend, or Dog in such an ignorant, aggressive and childish fashion. You are not the dog-shit sheriff of Berkeley. If you ever speak to me in that manner again I will be sure to send a pack of Huskies who've recently eaten pounds of broccoli and chill to shit all over your lawn. If you see me again on the street an apology might make you feel like a BIG responsible boy. Otherwise, don't speak to me, Brroo, Your Neighbor

related: The Pooper Stooper

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/11/28/dog-shit-sheriff/feed/ 88 Hover & Flow(chart) http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/11/15/when-you-pee/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/11/15/when-you-pee/#comments Tue, 15 Nov 2011 06:58:34 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=19758 Writes Erica in New York: “I don’t think this woman is aware that the aggressive automatic flush makes water splash all over the toilet seats…but she’s obviously very angry.”

When you pee, do you squat and hover over the toilet seat?

related: Coffee pot flowchart

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/11/15/when-you-pee/feed/ 131 Pissed off — and rightfully so http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/10/05/window-pisser/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/10/05/window-pisser/#comments Thu, 06 Oct 2011 03:33:11 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=19512 Bob from San Francisco’s explanation: “Partied till 5 am, slept in and missed work, found this note under my door, had to take the walk of shame to find the hose and wash the sidewalk down.” Pooooor Bob, right?

Dear Bob, (I hope I've got your name right), Please do not pee out your bedroom window again! Besides the fact that it is kinda disgusting, unsanitary, and smelly, you make a lot of noise doing it and it wakes me up. Your apartment does come with a toilet - please use it. And it would be the considerate thing to do if you would wash the pavement off below your window. I can smell the urine. Thanks, Jody #2

Meanwhile, in Kentucky…

Bob's urine

related: “Please stop urinating on the door handle” — and other totally reasonable requests.

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/10/05/window-pisser/feed/ 59 So close, and yet… http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/09/01/so-close-and-yet/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/09/01/so-close-and-yet/#comments Fri, 02 Sep 2011 00:40:29 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=19305 Darin in Chicago came across the note on the side of his neighbor’s garage just as he was throwing his own dog’s crap in the trash can. (This is kinda like getting out the new roll of TP, but then leaving it on the side of the sink to get wet instead of just putting it on the dispenser…except, worse.)

You pick up the dog crap, but insist on leaving it next to the garbage can. I don't understand.

I don’t really understand the logic here either, but perhaps this particular dog owner is still dealing with the scars from dealing with neighbors like this one, from Ottawa:

OLD LADY If I Catch You In The Act Of Putting Your Dogs Crap In Our Cans. I Will Cut Off Your Head And Bolt It To The Hood Of My Car

related: This is not a trash can

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/09/01/so-close-and-yet/feed/ 99 Who declared Opposite Day? http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/07/12/opposite-day/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/07/12/opposite-day/#comments Wed, 13 Jul 2011 01:42:49 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=18908 We’ve already seen people throwing urine in bottles out of their window…and now, shit in bags? Who does that?!

(Apparently, at least one dog owner in Bailey’s NYC apartment building.)

Someone is dropping bags of Dog Shit from their apartment into the building courtyard. To make matters worse, it does not always make it to the ground. Last nights bag was outside my window. Again. This must stop before management is involved. (Eww, gross!)

related: Throwing cat hair out the window = almost as bad

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/07/12/opposite-day/feed/ 59 How does a 135° angle sound like a couch? http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/06/13/water-cooler-etiquette/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/06/13/water-cooler-etiquette/#comments Tue, 14 Jun 2011 03:58:05 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=18671 If I worked at Steve‘s office, I would definitely be rallying the troops to launch a (non) silent 90° protest of round-the-clock water-glass-filling…and then place “out of order” signs on all the restrooms. (It would be lame, but not as lame as this sign.)

Water Cooler Etiquette

This is not a thing, people! I refuse to acknowledge this is a thing!

related: Is this a thing now?

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/06/13/water-cooler-etiquette/feed/ 90 How many times did this have to happen before they put up a sign? http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/06/08/people-are-gross/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/06/08/people-are-gross/#comments Thu, 09 Jun 2011 04:33:32 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=18640 From a convenience store in Florida:

WE WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT MONEY OUT OF UNDERGARMENTS.

A petting zoo in Virginia:

WARNING: Please do not feed animals from your mouth.

And a U.S. Army post in Washington State:

ATTENTION Do not pass body fluids into drinking fountain. It is a health hazard!

(Thanks to Nicolette, Gaby, and Kharissa for submitting!)

related: Is this a thing now?

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/06/08/people-are-gross/feed/ 70 Need another reason to skip the tanning bed? http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/06/01/the-tanning-salon-golden-glow/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/06/01/the-tanning-salon-golden-glow/#comments Thu, 02 Jun 2011 01:26:46 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=18606 Well, besides that whole skin cancer thing, there’s the fact that tanning booths — like  thrift-store fitting rooms — seem to bring out the animal in everyone. And that’s probably not the kind of “golden glow” you were aiming for, right?

Exhibit A) From Margo in Indiana:

Health Notice Toilet Issues The Tanning Room is not a Restroom! It is extremely dangerous for A Total Tan employees to clean up trash cans and under rugs that people have used instead of the public toilet. This will no longer be tolerated! A Total Tan has a computer record of everyone using each tanning room. In the future, using the tanning room as a toilet will not be tolerated. This will be very embarrassing to you! It is not embarrassing for us to restart your bed if you need to stop before or during your session. Simply put on your clothes and ask the employee to stop your session.

Exhibit B) From Lisa in Ohio, an ominous threat indeed:

These cans are for trash only. We inspect between each visit. For everything else we have bathrooms. Violators will have their tanning rights terminated.

Exhibit C) From Emily in England:

NOTICE We have a toilet for your convenience. Persons found urinating in the bins will barred from these premises.

Exhibit D) From Ann in Arkansas:

Use our bathroom facilities! This is not the wilderness.

And Exhibit E) From an anonymous fake-baker in Louisiana:

The trash can is not a toilet. For those of you who have not 'peed' in it, Thanks! For the one who did; What were you thinking? Tabatha

related: When nature calls

extra credit: GTK is the new GTL

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/06/01/the-tanning-salon-golden-glow/feed/ 120 Caught in the act http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/23/caught-in-the-act/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/23/caught-in-the-act/#comments Tue, 24 May 2011 01:47:23 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=18544 This bulletin board display from Louisville, Kentucky comes to us via Annie in Colorado, who adds: “I can’t help but feel sorry for the poor dogs caught popping a squat!” (Don’t worry, Annie. As you can see, I’ve taken steps to protect the identities of the canines pictured.)

Maybe it’s the classic crazypants handwriting, but I when I try to envision the creator of this display, the first image that comes to mind is one of those cop-show scenes where they bust in and find a room obsessively wallpapered with photos and maps and newspaper clippings documenting some big (or in this case, not so big) conspiracy theory.

But who knows? Maybe this guy is starting a new fetish mag and just wants to track down these dogs to pay their modeling fees or…something.

DO YOU KNOW THESE DOGS??? 8337 GT. HAS NO DOGS YET THESE DOGS ARE POOPING AROUND THIS ADDRESS. [Response:] GET A LIFE!!!

related: Dr. Freud’s Salon Scatologica

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/23/caught-in-the-act/feed/ 89 Dear coworkers: I’m sending this e-mail while sitting on the john! Just thought you’d want to know. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/03/the-old-diarrhea-excuse/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/03/the-old-diarrhea-excuse/#comments Tue, 03 May 2011 21:13:08 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=18236 Writes our disgusted submitter: “All that time on the toilet to think, and this is what you came up with?”
______________
How do you say diarrhea politely? I'll be in when I can.

related: Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea?

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/03/the-old-diarrhea-excuse/feed/ 73 Claustrophobic? You might want to avoid these elevators. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/04/28/scary-elevators/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/04/28/scary-elevators/#comments Thu, 28 Apr 2011 23:51:43 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=18218 Moira and some friends recently rented a flat in Rome for a few days — lucky her, right? The only hitch to the plan was the fact their apartment was located on the very top floor, and while Rome might be the “The Eternal City,” spending eternity in a European-style elevator car wasn’t exactly the experience they were seeking.

!!WARNING!! Before opening the doors wait until the elevator stops at the floor completely. If no you remain stuck in it FOREVER!

Meanwhile, if you thought you weren’t afraid of elevators, a visit to the Hampton Inn in Burbank, California might change your mind. This placard inside the elevator (as documented by Kristen from Ohio), has got to be the least-reassuring attempt at preventing alarm I’ve ever seen. The fact that it manages to accomplish the exact opposite of its implied purpose makes me think the person behind it must be some kind of sadistic savant…and that he’s DEFINITELY watching you on the CCTV.

SHOULD THE ELEVATOR DOORS FAIL TO OPEN, DO NOT BECOME ALARMED. THERE IS LITTLE DANGER OF RUNNING OUT OF AIR OR OF THIS ELEVATOR DROPPING UNCONTROLLABLY.

Not the anxious type? Well, how do you feel about dog shit and zombies? So far Kareen in Winnipeg has escaped this particular elevator unharmed, but that doesn’t mean she’s not watching where she steps.

Depositing of fecal matter in said elevator-car is most definitely considered foul and repugnant. Please don't. P.S. Keep-thou wary and worked-up in case of mutant elevator-monkey-zombies. THANKS

related: Elevator nose grease

extra credit: “The Subway’s Elevator Operators, a Reassuring Amenity of Another Era” [nytimes.com]

extra extra credit: Time lapse video of a man stuck in an elevator for 41 hours [newyorker.com]

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/04/28/scary-elevators/feed/ 75 The Pooper Stooper http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/04/05/the-pooper-stooper/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/04/05/the-pooper-stooper/#comments Wed, 06 Apr 2011 03:21:01 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=18029 Need to borrow a cup of sugar? How about five pounds of dog poop? Well heck, that’s what neighbors are for!

Hey SIllies! I noticed you guys keep forgetting to pick up your dogs' poopies so I took it upon myself to bring by some baggies. I assumed you're all out because why else wouldn't you clean up after your dogs? Oh! I also helped out by dropping all the said poop conveniently in front of your dog, for easier clean up. You're welcome!

related: Do you want a doggy bag for those leftovers, sir?

extra credit: The perfect leash for dog haters/sociopaths

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/04/05/the-pooper-stooper/feed/ 108 So this is your NON-vulgar side? Shut the front door! http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/03/21/shut-the-front-door/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/03/21/shut-the-front-door/#comments Mon, 21 Mar 2011 13:00:17 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=17872 Sorry, I meant back door. I’m gonna slowly back away now, ma’am…

Hi Jason (and other intermittent door slammers): DO NOT SLAM THE BACK F*****G DOOR. The back room is a thoroughfare but it is also my office (and [redacted]). Sudden loud noises scare the shit out of me and also give me the f*****g shits like you wouldn't believe. Don't do it again or you will get to see a side of me that is extremely vulgar. I've been putting up with it intermittently for the past 2 years and am over it. If you have a problem with my request come and see me so I can give you a piece of my mind.

related: Dear lovely ladies

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