Entries Tagged as 'bodily fluids'

A nasty twist on “Man Bites Dog”

January 5th, 2011 · 71 Comments

Dan in Melbourne says he saw this sign while riding along a North Fitzroy bike path, which runs parallel to a park. Says Dan: “Now, I’ve owned a dog and I know how they like to roll in stinky things, but this it taking it to a new, super gross level.”

More gross than your dog rolling in/eating some other dog’s shit? Or stepping in a fresh pile of it yourself? I’m not sure I’m convinced. (Not that humans should be exempt from proper poop-scooping etiquette, of course.)

COLOSTOMY BAGS!! DO NOT DUMP IN PARK! DOGS GET INTO THEM! THE CONTENTS OF YOUR BOWELS GET INTO OUR HOUSES! -SORRY FOR YOUR AILMENT, BUT THIS IS TOO YUCK.

Personally, I’d like to imagine this as a triumphant act of payback on the part of a score-settling colon cancer survivor. (“This is for all the times I’ve stepped in your dogs’ crap. Enjoy!!”)

related: Do you want a doggy bag?

Tags: dogs · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Melbourne · pleasantries as afterthought · shit · that's disgusting · Too good to be real?

Did you want a doggy bag for those leftovers, sir?

November 8th, 2010 · 72 Comments

Our submitter says this isn’t the first time her father has put up this display in his front yard…proving, I guess that some people will go through a lot of shit just to make a point. (Meanwhile, the neighborhood dogs and dog owners continue to go about their business.)

Thank you for leaving this for me. I really don't need it. Feel free to take it home for your own use.

related: Lost & Found

Tags: Chicago · dogs · shit · thanks (but not really)

Papa’s John

October 31st, 2010 · 82 Comments

If you needed another reason to be happy you don’t live in Utah, Justin brings us this explosion of bad ideas from a Provo office park.

I put this in the bathroom (to act as an air freshener) b/c when you crap and leave the door open the smell comes down the hall into my office. I can't work when I smell your BM. If I can't work, I can't make money to buy food for my kids. That can't be very healthy for my kids not to eat. Please shut the door after you crap so I don't have to smell it!!! Thanks!

(I’m going with “Team None-of-the-Above” for this one.)

Why did you put this in the bathroom trash? It makes me really uncomfortable to go to the bathroom when I smell food...Sometimes I can't go, & this is really unhealthy for my body!

I put this in the bathroom (to act as an air freshener) b/c when you crap and leave the door open the smell comes down the hall into my office. I can't work when I smell your BM. If I can't work, I can't make money to buy food for my kids. That can't be very healthy for my kids not to eat. Please shut the door after you crap so I don't have to smell it!!! Thanks!

related: The bathroom walls are NOT soundproof.

extra credit: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pizza Air Freshener

Tags: bathroom · guilt trip · odor · pizza · Provo · questionable logic · rebuttals · shit · that's disgusting · that's unhealthy · toilet · Utah · WTF?

Stop! Don’t chute!

October 17th, 2010 · 56 Comments

Two simple rules for using the garbage chute:

DO put your dog poo down the chute.

TENANTS PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT YOU PUT YOUR DOG POOH DOWN THE SHUTE. IT SMELLS IF LEFT IN. THANK YOU! MANAGEMENT

DON’T put your dog, Pooh, down the chute.

ATTENTION RESIDENTS: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PUT ANY ANIMAL, DEAR OR ALIVE, IN THE TRASH CHUTE. If your pet dies, and you do not know the proper way to dispose of the remains, call the office. We will see the remains are disposed of in a humane and sanitary manner.

(Thanks to Jason in Ottawa and Catherine in D.C. for submitting!)

related: Garbage chute entitlement

Tags: animal welfare · CAPS LOCK · D.C. · dogs · landlords and property managers · Ottawa · shit · that's unsanitary

At least in prison they get to play basketball in the courtyard

October 13th, 2010 · 57 Comments

Unsurprisingly, Emily in D.C. says it took less than 24 hours for one her neighbors to call bullshit on the building management’s “exciting news.”

Exciting News!! The Courtyard is Now Open!!

Meanwhile, this building in Columbus, Ohio — which submitter Andrew says is “really nice and fancy-looking” — appears to take the mullet approach to policing its public spaces. (Business in the front, party in the back!)

Do not shit in doorway. Smoke your crack in rear lot. Thank you

Adds Andrew: “I 100% believe that this note is legit. I work exactly one block away from where the sign was posted, and a few days ago, I went outside only to find my self interrupting someone who was pissing on our dumpster. We have caught people in the act of shitting in our parking lot, and have also received many “anonymous fecal gifts.”

related: It’s fall! Here are a few updates and several complaints.

Tags: blame it on the crackhead · Columbus · D.C. · drugs · landlords and property managers · shit · WTF?

How NOT to raise your neighborhood’s property values

September 19th, 2010 · 61 Comments

Tim lives in Northwest D.C., “at the front of the gentrification wave” flowing east from Dupont Circle. “We have (only) one rundown/uninhabited house on the block,” Tim says, “and this morning one of the other neighbors decided to mow the front lawn to tidy it’s appearance a bit.” While taking out the trash later that evening, Tim noticed that his neighbor’s good deed had been rewarded by this neighborly thank-you note.

Dear whoever mowed this lawm [sic], FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. If you're actually responsible for this property, clean up the fuck hobo shit laying around. The entrance to the cellar smells like 100% human feces. THANKS FOR THAT, ASSHOLES.

(As far as the smell goes…perhaps some people were under the same mistaken impression as those near this West Hollywood residence?)

This is a lawn, not a fucking diaper, thank you. Love, The people who live here

related: Gentrification is insanit(ar)y

Tags: D.C. · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · Los Angeles · odor · shit · signed with love · thanks (but not really) · that's disgusting · there goes the neighborhood

Don’t touch my…stuff, you little piece of…stuff.

September 6th, 2010 · 49 Comments

Chad and Cassie might want to be careful what they wish for…lest someone be tempted to “return” something they didn’t actually borrow first.

Chad's Stuff DO NOT TOUCH! BRING YOUR OWN SHIT!

If you go as far as even touching my shit, I'll fucking kill you. [heart], Cassie  PS - Thanks in advance for returning the shit you took, you ball of shit

(Thanks to Travis in Austin and anonymous in Boise for submitting.)

related: Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea?

Tags: Austin · heart · Idaho · p.s. · shit · touching

My cat-shit crazy neighbor

September 2nd, 2010 · 163 Comments

Edie in Bellevue, Washington wasn’t too happy with the neighbor’s cat using her lawn as its personal toilet, so she finally asked the cat’s owner if she’d please clean it up. “She did,” Edie says, “but only after explaining that the cat poops on everyone’s lawn and no one else minds.” (After asking around the neighborhood, Edie found this to be only half-true.)

Little did they know that cat’s crap was practically worth its weight in friggin’ GOLD!!! One can only imagine the reactions of Edie and her similarly ungrateful neighbors when they finished reading the photocopied letter taped to their front doors. (First place? For three years running?? What fools we’ve all been!!!)

I know you like to complain about white kitty pooping in your yard...but he has won first place at the Average Cat Show the last three years running.
related: Don’t feed the cat (or the trolls)

extra credit: The Radiolab episode about Toxoplasma and crazy cat ladies

Tags: bold-underlined-caps · cats · most popular notes of 2010 · neighbors · shit · Washington state

That’s…actually a totally reasonable request

August 26th, 2010 · 51 Comments

What’s frightening, of course, is that these things needed to be stated in the first place.

ATTENTION: Please stop urinating on the door handle. Thank you!

Please do not vomit on door

Smearing your bodily fluids on the fixtures is not socially acceptable. Please stop and learn some proper hygiene.

(Thanks to Jill in Des Moines, James in the U.K., and Heather and Eric in New York for submitting…and the kid from The Squid and the Whale for the, uh, inspiration.)

related: Apparently every office has someone with an insatiable need to spread the contents of their nose on the wall


Tags: actually totally reasonable · bodily fluids · hygiene · most popular notes of 2010 · piss · vomit · WTF?

Could you spare a tissue for the lady?

August 18th, 2010 · 58 Comments

When Sal spotted this notice at an athletic clothing store in San Diego, he says that while he couldn’t quite picture how a tissue would get the job done in this situation — not to mention how this policy came to be —  “I figured it was best not to ask questions.”

Ladies...if you happen to have forgotten your undies, please ask us for a tissue. We would appreciate it if you didn't try on our apparel commando!

Meanwhile, when I first read this sign — from a club in Vancouver — my first thought was, “Well, that seems like a reasonable enough request.” Our submitter, Cherisse, begs to differ. “Sadly, there is no bathroom backstage,” she explains, ” wnd when a girl’s gotta go, sometimes the other end of the club is a long ways a way.” She adds: “If it wasn’t for the used paper towels being left outside, no one ever would have known.”

ATTENTION LADIES ANYONE CAUGHT PEEING OUT THE BACKDOOR WILL BE TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY

So… like Sal, I’m gonna say it’s probably best not to ask too many questions about this one.

related: “Who leaves their panties in the bathroom at work?  Who does that?”

Tags: actually totally reasonable · bold-underlined-caps · hygiene · piss · retail hell · San Diego · Vancouver · WTF?