Entries Tagged as 'bodily fluids'

Where’s the button for Floor 3.14?

June 9th, 2010 · 85 Comments

Remember: the laws of physics are not to be trifled with. Got that, Pigs Boson?

The pigs Female and male that pi on the Elevator we know who they are. Next time we are taking the police to your house.  Super

Due to the countless people hopping the moment the elevator car stops, we have found it is necessary to install new elevators.  While work is in progress, please remind yourselves that the laws of physics are not to be trifled with, and please use the other two fully functioning elevators.

(Thanks to Luciel in the Bronx and Gina in Wisconsin for their submissions!)

related: Cross-country elevator action

Tags: elevator · piss · spelling and grammar police · the po-po

Grow some thicker bark, why don’tcha?

June 3rd, 2010 · 80 Comments

“If you want respect,” barked the Daddy tree, “you gotta earn it. Show ‘some freakin’ acorns!”

“But Daaaaaaad,” whined the trembling young sapling. “I just…I just want to be beautiful!”

“What is this, a goddamn Shel Silverstein book? Quit your birching already.”

I am a dogwood, I am only lovely in the late spring. I believe it is my job to make the environment more beautiful. Why do you not like me?

(As witnessed by Kevin in Arcata, California, and (below) by Taber in Richmond, Virginia.)

I am a sad sad tree, barely hanging on to life. Please...keep your animals away from me...especially their urine.

But as Michael in Seattle observed, at least one of those sad little trees wasn’t about to let his bully of a father have the last word.

Tree to people: I'm Dead. get new tree & plant it here, OK? Thanks

related: The right to bear fruit

Tags: anthropomorphism · California · dogs · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · martyr complex · piss · Richmond · Seattle

Those puddles on the floor? Not salad dressing.

May 5th, 2010 · 98 Comments

Sure, some things (don’t pee in the freaking trash can!) should go without saying. But if you’re gonna say it, wouldn’t this be the time for absolute clarity? In this situation, the directive “behind the salad bar” seems dangerously vague.

Oh, and did I mention that Jenna in Kansas spotted this notice at a local “salad bar/tanning salon”? Because I’m sure that clears everything up.

Please do not urinate in the trash cans! Restrooms are located behind the salad bar. Thanks, Management

related: What is it about thrift-store fitting rooms?

Tags: Kansas · now that's management · piss · WTF?

Your “Brown Friends”

April 13th, 2010 · 106 Comments

At first glance, would you assume that the the writer of this note….

a) is kind of a racist prick?

b) has a thing against students/alumni from a certain university in Providence, R.I.?

c) has a penchant for using confusing euphemisms for bodily waste?

I WOULD RATHER NOT MEET ANY MORE OF YOUR BROWN FRIENDS. EITHER ASK THEM TO LEAVE OR INTRODUCE THEM TO PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS. THX

I’ll admit I assumed the answer was either a or b, until I read the submitter’s explanation about where the note was found: above the stinky toilet in a share house of (mostly male) British university students.

The verdict: Still offensive, just, you know, in a different way.

related: 2 notes, 1 cupcake

Tags: anthropomorphism · college life · shit · thx · toilet · U.K.

Coffee, mate?

April 7th, 2010 · 72 Comments

So, you don’t want to share your super-special non-dairy creamer/handsoap with the rest of the office?

You could go for the semi-direct approach…

Not Community Property

But as Ocie in Petaluma, California witnessed, that might not be enough of a deterrent.

To the person or persons who continue to consume my Coffee-Mate coffee creamer in spite of my name being clearly marked on the container: PLEASE STOP!!!!

In that case, you could try to dial up the crazy a little more, like Nicole in Florida…

Dear Coffee Creamer Thief,  What part of DO NOT TOUCH don't you understand? This is NOT your creamer and I know you didn't ask me if you could have some. Get your own coffee creamer! >:( Querido Ladron de Crema! Que parte de NO TOCAR no entiende? Esta no es su crema y yo seque usted no me pregunto si podia tomasla. Compre tu propia crema para cafe!

Or you just might have to get a little bit creative.

BREAST MILK. Drink at your own risk. : /

URINE sample for my parole officer. Don't Touch.

“Truth be told,” says Mick in McLean, Virginia, “I never did check to see what was in the container.” (Which I guess was kinda the point, right?)

related: I, who should seriously lay off the caffeine

Tags: California · coffee · New York · Northern Virginia · office fridge · Orlando · piss · stealing · Texas

Truly (worth) discussing

April 6th, 2010 · 125 Comments

Alejandro found this note posted in the men’s toilet of his Santa Monica office building. “All I know is the guy that does this also uses half a roll of TP,” Alejandro says, “so he’s disgusting AND he hates the environment.”

Who ever the guy is that uses this toilet daily and leaves it a mess everyday. Please use the toilet at your house and mess it up. Nobody wants to use this toilet after you shit here. I can imagine what your bathroom looks like at home. The other option would be to have your asshole surgically repositioned so your shit drops straight down like everybody else. If nobody had told you yet, you're a pig, somebody who is truly discussing, and are not fit to use a public toilet. Didn't your mother teach you any manners as a young little pig? At the very least have pity the poor guy who has to scrape and clean your shit off the rim of the toilet daily. When you walk a dog your required to pick up its shit, maybe think of yourself as a filthy mutt, and clean up after your self. God help you when we find out who you are!

UPDATE: Yes, it’s true: women’s toilets are often left in just as “discussing” a state as the one above. As Amanda in Austin recounts: “Somebody at my work had a terribly disgusting accident in the restroom that they did not clean up, and the custodians weren’t too happy. Neither were all the other women in the building. (And though it took place in the handicap-accessible stall, as far as we know, nobody in the building is disabled.)” A trifling matter? I think not.

To the nasty, trifling, inconsiderate inappropriate female, who soiled the handicap accessible bathroom, you should be ashame of yourself. You obviously had an accident, you should at least clean up after yourself as much as possible. It's a shame and a disgrace that the male housekeeper should see such filth from a female! It would be very much appreciated if you would have respect for the bathroom accommodations. Shame on you!!!!!

related: the most disgusting thing

Tags: Austin · California · CAPS LOCK · disgruntled janitor · office · shit · spelling and grammar police · that's disgusting · toilet

Princess Marmalade has been notified

March 24th, 2010 · 70 Comments

“Recently our neighbour falsely accused us of sending him a (passive?) aggressive letter,” says Joe in the U.K. “He was not a happy bunny.” Before an all-out note war commenced, however, the real culprit was apparently identified. Joe received this sincere note of apology the next day.

HELLO!! SORRY ABOUT YESTERDAY I'VE FOUND OUT WHO PUT THE NOTE THROUGH MY DOOR IT WAS THE IDIOT WHO LIVES AT [redacted] WHO HAS IS HOUSE UP FOR SALE I WOULD NEVER TOUCH ANYONE'S CAR AND HE CAN PARK ANYWHERE HE AS NO CONSIDERATION FOR ANYONE ELSE HOWEVER PLEASE TELL YOUR CAT NOT TO SHIT ON MY FRONT GARDEN

Adds Joe: “We’re not really sure what the car thing is about — probably a reference to the original note we didn’t send!”

related: (Don’t Fear) The Creeper

Tags: car · cats · neighbors · non-apology apology · Oops? · shit · U.K.

And you thought college students were foul…

January 10th, 2010 · 72 Comments

“I live in a condominium building that is popular with the elderly,” writes our submitter from the Chicagoland area. Recently, he says, the building’s board of managers put copies of this note in everyone’s mailboxes and posted it in the lobby (so guests wouldn’t be spared the details, either.)

Adds our submitter: “I don’t know what’s more inappropriate: losing control of your bowels in the hallway or distributing this memo to all the residents.”

Someone has a serious bowel problem

Meanwhile in depressing economic news, Sara in Kansas City, Missouri says her company’s last Christmas party was held in — wait for it — the rec center of a local retirement home. Revelers who stopped by the restroom were greeted with this cheerful reminder of OMG SHOOT ME NOW.

After you rinse your dentures PLEASE rinse out sink

related: Dr. Freud’s Salon Scatologica

Tags: CAPS LOCK · Chicago · disturbingly detailed · old folks · shit · that's disgusting

Five reasons to be glad you’re not a plumber

September 29th, 2009 · 144 Comments

1. Spotted by Trevor in Richmond, Virginia

PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH...coffee grounds, dental floss, disposable diapers, cat litter, pet wastes, sanitary napkins, tampons, cigarette butts, condoms, paper towels, facial tissues, plastics, heavy cream, cheese, butter, soap HAZARDOUS CHEMICALS SUCH AS: pesticides, medicines, paints, varnishes, thinners, waste oils, photographic solutions

2. From Karen in Chicago

PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH DOWN THE TOILETS: Feminine hygiene products, diapers, paper towels or mops, food, napkins or glass, computer paper, art papers, fabric or canvas, paints or solvents, plants, sand or soil, plastic, wood or metal

3. Spotted by Eli in Kauai

DO NOT flush paper towels, newspaper, wrapping paper, rags, disposable diapers, sanitary napkins, tampons, plastic, sticks, etc. down the toiler

4. from Miller Peterson in Japan

FECES ONLY! Don't flush another!

And lastly, a beloved classic from the world-class RunBarbara (and of course, THX SANDRA)

Hello ladies, This is the last time I will remind you: if you have to "throw up" in the bathroom please do it in the trash can, then take the bag out of the trash can and dispose of it down-stairs in the "facilities" dumpster.


related: with a chainsaw?

Tags: bodily fluids · garbage · toilet · WTF?

A new twist on the walk of shame

August 13th, 2009 · 126 Comments

Ah, college. While living in an all-female dorm might reduce some types of conflicts…

ah, college

ah, college

You also get…this. Explains Hannah in Pullman, Washington: “I live in an all-girls dorm, and guys aren’t allowed to use the bathrooms in the hall. The rule is they are supposed to be escorted out into the lobby…which is a apparently too long of a walk for some people.”

Urine in bottles thrown out windows is disgusting. Please escort male guests to the lobby to use the restroom. Don't make someone else clean up your guest's urine.

related: (it wasn’t me)

Tags: CAPS LOCK · college life · piss · roommates · sex sex sex · that's disgusting · that's unsanitary