“If you want respect,” barked the Daddy tree, “you gotta earn it. Show ‘some freakin’ acorns!”

“But Daaaaaaad,” whined the trembling young sapling. “I just…I just want to be beautiful!”

“What is this, a goddamn Shel Silverstein book? Quit your birching already.”

(As witnessed by Kevin in Arcata, California, and (below) by Taber in Richmond, Virginia.)

But as Michael in Seattle observed, at least one of those sad little trees wasn’t about to let his bully of a father have the last word.

related: The right to bear fruit

Sure, some things (don’t pee in the freaking trash can!) should go without saying. But if you’re gonna say it, wouldn’t this be the time for absolute clarity? In this situation, the directive “behind the salad bar” seems dangerously vague.

Oh, and did I mention that Jenna in Kansas spotted this notice at a local “salad bar/tanning salon”? Because I’m sure that clears everything up.

related: What is it about thrift-store fitting rooms?

So, you don’t want to share your super-special non-dairy creamer/handsoap with the rest of the office?

You could go for the semi-direct approach…

But as Ocie in Petaluma, California witnessed, that might not be enough of a deterrent.

In that case, you could try to dial up the crazy a little more, like Nicole in Florida…

Or you just might have to get a little bit creative.

“Truth be told,” says Mick in McLean, Virginia, “I never did check to see what was in the container.” (Which I guess was kinda the point, right?)

related: I, who should seriously lay off the caffeine

Ah, college. While living in an all-female dorm might reduce some types of conflicts…

You also get…this. Explains Hannah in Pullman, Washington: “I live in an all-girls dorm, and guys aren’t allowed to use the bathrooms in the hall. The rule is they are supposed to be escorted out into the lobby…which is a apparently too long of a walk for some people.”

related: (it wasn’t me)

I didn’t think office sign illustration could get more gratuitous than this guy, but then Corinna in Seattle came through with this.

(Add a few hand-drawn penises and you’ve got yourself a Perez Hilton special!)

related: maybe next time you should try power point?

Writes Chris in Riverside, California: “My friend Eric essentially has a LAN center in his garage. Cigarettes and energy drinks are the diet of choice and we (usually 5 to 7 people lanning there at any given time) piss on his fence so we don’t flush the toilet too many times over the evening. He woke up one morning with this note from his mother.”

I’d say Eric got off pretty easy, no?

related: WoW, indeed

Writes our anonymous submitter in Hartford, Connecticut: “We’re not much for posting notes in our restroom at work., so the situation must have been pretty dire for someone to go to the trouble to craft this one.”

I appreciate the initial sentiment here — I really do. this website has already condemned the cutesy rhyme that begins with “if you sprinkle when you tinkle” to a watery grave. so, for a brief flash in time, the note-writer had me. But then…the irregular Capitalizations, the excessive exclamation points!! and (seriously?) the pink flowery clip art…I’d say those make for some serious deductions in both the “technical merit” and “artistic impression” categories.

Judges — what say you of the final tally?

related: the rhyme that must be flushed

What do you do when words alone can’t express the depth of your feeling? In the business world, you turn to clip art. And specifically, you turn to screen beans.

If you’ve seen a PowerPoint presentation in the last decade, you’re most likely familiar with screen beans, the clip art collection that will not die.

Says one fan: “Sreen beans are GREAT! they have personality! You have to have imagination and a sense of humor to appreciate them.” You do not, however, have to be an English speaker.

Our anonymous submitter from Norway found this sign in a dirty corner of a factory where he’s been working this summer.

(Loose translation from the Norwegian: IF YOU FEEL THE URGE TO PEE, USE A TOILET. THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT PLACE.)

“The really funny thing about it,” our submitter says, “is that someone has peed (several times) on the actual sign!”

related: Stop! in the name of clip art

extra credit: Absolute PowerPoint [thenewyorker.com]
Powerpoint is evil [wired.com]