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Entries Tagged as 'bullet points'

Did you wash your hands? Well, did ya, punk?

May 13th, 2010 · 139 Comments

Every day, you watch them, in horror: Those vile, germ-laden, nether-region-wiping creatures who don’t wash their hands after using the toilet. Confronting the offenders directly wouldn’t work, because, well, you’re passive-aggressive, and that’s just not how you roll. So what to do next?

Well, you could dazzle them with some accusatory statistics…

97% of females say they wash their hands...Only 75% really do...Did you wash your hands?

…or attempt to appeal to the altruists in the audience.

Interested in a community service opportunity??? Wash your hands! Do it for the rest of us! :)

And maybe try to lure in the sports fans with the promise of some fun trivia!

Question: What is the overall record of wins and losses for Georgia versus Florida in football? To find out the answer, please wash your hands!

If they see through that little scheme, you could try patronizing your patrons outright…

Employees MUST wash hands before returning to work.Patrons SHOULD wash hands before returning to their tables.

…or just straight-up treat them like four-year-olds. (“Did you wash your hands?” “Yes.” “DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?” “I said yes!!!”)

Did you wash your hands? DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?

Perhaps even a dash of reverse psychology?

Jimmy the Germ says: 1) TOUCH your nose, eyes and mouth OFTEN! 2) DON'T wash your hands with soap! 3) NEVER wash your hands for more than 30 seconds! 4) NEVER use Sanitizing Hand Gel! LET'S ALL HELP JIMMY SURVIVE!

Of course, those less-straightforward techniques just might just backfire on you.  In that case, you could play the bully with THE CLIP ART THAT MUST BE STOPPED.

WASH THOSE HANDS!

Or, if your clip-art collection is a bit larger…release the dragon!

Excuse me but could you please wash your hands so I don't have to sanitize the germs with my fire.

Not scary enough? Maybe it’s time to bust out the F word.

Flu season is back!!!! Please wash your hands before leaving the bathroom. (Washing hands is optional off season.)

WASH YOUR HANDS! You could same someone's life, OR you could cause someone's death. Yes, that means you.

Or the even scarier F-word: FECAL-ORAL.

Why wash your hands? It's the #1 activity that can reduce disease transmission! It reduces the spread of colds, flu, and bacterial conjunctivitis (

And if that still doesn’t work? Well, I guess you’ll just have to flounce away, invest in some latex gloves, and vow to hold it ’til you get home.

Several people are complaining that People on this floor are using the restroom and they are NOT washing their hands. Dirty hands spread disease. Please wash your hands. If you don't believe in washing your hands, please refrain from touching the copier, the coffee pot, the ice machine, door handles, the elevator button....etc. Please respect others around you and wash your hands! Thank you

(Thanks to Jen in Houston, Jenni in Spokane, Marley in Pittsburgh, Lindsey in Memphis, Laura in Richmond, and the many anonymous submitters for their contributions.)

related: Five approaches to toilet paper maintenance

extra credit:  “On Washing Hands,” by Atul Gawande

extra extra credit: “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals” Liquid Hand Soap


Tags: "helpful" advice · a little patronizing · bullet points · clip art catastrophe · hygiene · office · rebuttals · restaurant · reverse psychology · rhetorical question · washing your hands

The time-tested “sausage, egg and cheese” diet

March 10th, 2010 · 147 Comments

Angie in Columbus, Ohio says this is the second (hilariously) furious fridge note to be posted lately in the office kitchenette. Adds Angie: “Who knew a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich fit into a ‘special diet’?” Perhaps next time the writer could just hop (er, drive) on over to Taco Bell?

Dear Dirty-Rotten Fridge Raider, The following words describe you: -Thief: one that steals especially steathily or secretly -Despicable: so worthless or immoral as to rouse moral indignation -Rude: offensive in manner or action, discourteous -Jerk: an annoyingly stupid or foolish person The breakfast sandwich that you helped yourself to, without permission, was clearly marked with MY NAME and yesterday's date. YOU ARE NOT ME and therefore had no right to help yourself to MY Jimmy Dean, turkey sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich. Which, by the way, I miss dearly. Did you know that it had 250 calories? I did. Because I am on a special diet intended to help me lose weight and lower my cholesterol. Bringing my own food also helps maintain my weekly budget. But now, thanks to you, I have to go to the cafe  and spend money on something that doesn't fit the parameters of my special diet or budget. So thanks and bravo! Yay you!!

related: It’s not funny, it’s my sandwich

extra credit: This is why you’re fat.

Tags: bullet points · Columbus · food · obnoxious definition · office fridge · stealing · thanks (but not really) · that's disrespectful

The Munchkins are restless.

January 25th, 2010 · 96 Comments

“Our department head thought we should be be bringing in doughnuts more often,” says our anonymous submitter in Illinois. One of the department’s “severely underpaid” underlings, meanwhile, thought otherwise.

...If we were paid COMPETATIVE [sic] WAGES We could afford doughnuts!

UPDATE: For those of you asking “But where’s the ridiculous clip art?!” I bring you this rather dashing toreador/sheriff (as spotted by Mel in the break room of her Ithaca, New York office).

While Mel doesn’t disagree with the sentiment behind the note, “It’s a bit off-putting to be presumed guilty of theft before the fact,” she says. “Also, there seems to be a degree of randomness to the number of exclamation points at the end of each line.” (And of course, that dandy of a sheriff.)

PUT THE DONUT DOWN, AND STEP AWAY FROM THE COFFEE!!

related: Straight out of the Michael Scott Playbook

Tags: bold underlined italics · bullet points · coffee · exclamation-point happy!!!! · food · Illinois · now that's management · office · raging against the machine · rebuttals · spelling and grammar police

Why you don’t want to go to B-school, in two words

November 17th, 2008 · 161 Comments

Group projects.

#5, however, is what really seals the deal.

kindly direct your attention to point #5

(click to enlarge!)

related: please ladies please

Tags: a little uptight · bullet points · California · e-mail · hygiene

So, you’ve decided to go out

August 25th, 2008 · 140 Comments

Last year, Emily in Canterbury, England lived in a house with six other roommates — two guys downstairs, five girls upstairs. As is wont to happen in such circumstances, “we were originally all really good mates, but relationships deteriorated as the year went on,” Emily says — “the boys thought the girls were too messy!”

One source of flatmate friction, Emily says, was the habit a couple of the girls had of forgetting their keys when they went out clubbing…and then pounding on the front door at 3 a.m., raving drunk, until one of the guys let them in.

The low point came when one of the guys got woken up by an angry taxi driver rapping on his window (after one of the girls had tossed him 50p and run upstairs). Emily says this note appeared soon after.

"So, you've decided to go out": A short story

related: The two-word compromise you’re looking for: zip wire

Tags: bullet points · drizzunk · roommates · U.K.

The Jake Issues

November 5th, 2007 · 186 Comments

Says our anonymous contributor from Los Angeles: “This is page three (!) of a three-page letter of complaints from my wife’s (ex) office manager to the heads of the company.” Apparently one of her co-workers, Jake, merited his own page. (No word on how this went over with the bosses.)

1. Jake needs to do something about his flatulence problem - this is a constant issue, which he thinks is funny - and burning matches does not solve the problem. A slip once in a while is forgivable, but this is just rude and disgusting. 2. Jake need stop using the speakerphone when I'm at my desk - dialing a number is one thing, entire conversation is another. 3. Jake should also be mindful of his speaking volume while he's on the phone. While on his phone, he can be heard at [redacted's] desk as if he's standing right next to you - that is too loud. Plus often he is standing over pacing at his desk while on the phone (or besides our desks when on his cell phone.) If he's sitting, the half wall at least helps to minimize a bit, but lowering his town on the whole would be best. desks when on his cell phone.) If he's sitting, the half wall at least helps to minimize a bit, but lowering his town on the whole would be best. Jake should be mindful that others partake of things in the office as well as him. One tea bag (or package of oatmeal) per cup not 2 or 3. If we have snacks, he should not eat everything until it is gone rather than allow things to remain available over the course of the day. Others may want to have the snack later, but usually if they wait, it won't be there because Jake's already eaten it. He should be embarrassed that he is known as the scavenger of the office.

Tags: bullet points · cell phone · flatulence · food · Los Angeles · loud talker · noise · oatmeal · office · tea · that's disgusting

P.S. Bacon is life

September 1st, 2007 · 200 Comments

The Coast newspaper in Halifax recently invited its readers to share their “passive-aggressive roommate tales.” (Gee, what a novel idea!)

My favorite part:

roommate2.jpg

Excerpts from a 34-point note sent to a former roommate:

2. Your rent was always late and it was not paid in full.

4. You used the dishes and baking ware that we provided to you and often did not clean them, left them to ruin, or left them for someone else to clean because you were too busy rushing out the door to go party when you had all day off. If you have all day off, do something more than try to find someone, anyone to hang out with that night that just so happens to have a car and is willing to pick your lazy ass up.

22. Your friends have no right to use and mess up our bathroom. You have your own, it’s part of your room. Also, if they are going to be putting fruit remains in our garbage can, have them removed before they rot. While we’re on the subject…

23. Fruit flies. Need I say more?

25. We were quite upset that you didn’t buy us anything for Christmas worth more than $3. It’s not the money really, but $1.50 each, that’s just insulting. We noticed that week you borrowed money from your current fling to go out and party. I hope you did buy a self-help book at Chapters like you said you were planning.

29. When people have to work very early in the morning, like at 5am, it’s not very nice to have your loud-mouthed boyfriend chatting with you all night, take it somewhere else. Like his mom’s house where he still lives…

30. The clogged toilet thing, you got off easy on that one. Plumbing and property damage is a lot more important than rushing out the door to hang out with your friends. Prioritize.

33. The comment you made about being the type of person who can’t live with someone is something you should take serious consideration of. How are you going to continue living your faux Sex and the City lifestyle if your goal in life is to find a man you can live with, and if you are not the type of person that can actually live with someone?” B.M.

Full story here; another choice excerpt after the jump.

[Read more →]

Tags: bullet points · Canada · cleaning · dishes · dishwasher · food · Halifax · money · revenge · roommates

Some suggestions for using the urinal

June 11th, 2007 · 17 Comments

539813306_cef98ac522.jpg

(from an anonymous urinal-user in Boulder, Colorado.)

Tags: "helpful" advice · bullet points · CAPS LOCK · Colorado · excessive underlining · office · toilet

If you sprinkle ellipses when you tinkle…

June 3rd, 2007 · 24 Comments

Maybe it’s the manic use of ellipses and exclamation points, but this note makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Says submitter Erica in New York City, “As bad as it can get in the ladies’, I’ve been told the men’s bathroom is even worse.”

PLEASE LADIES........PLEASE

Tags: "helpful" advice · bathroom · bullet points · Comic Sans Alert · ellipses-crazed · exclamation-point happy!!!! · hygiene · New York · office · spelling and grammar police · toilet

Switch to tea

May 31st, 2007 · 9 Comments

This note is like the teenager who manages to contain themselves long enough to grudgingly recite a lengthy mandated apology, but then can’t resist turning around and giving the finger afterwards…or the perky flight attendant who finally cracks when the drunk fat guy hits the call button again at the end of a long flight. Mmm, feel the repressed rage!

Coffee Etiquette: Please be courteous to your fellow employees. If you drain a pot or leave very little left, make a new pot. Don't simply turn off the burner and walk away. If there is less than a full pot between the 2, pour one into another and make a fresh pot. It only takes 30 seconds to put the coffee into a filter and push a button. If that is too difficult, maybe you should switch to tea.

(Thanks to Jenn in Hudson, Ohio for submitting!)

RELATED:

Rage against the coffee machine

Tags: "helpful" advice · bullet points · coffee · etiquette · office · Ohio