Entries Tagged as 'Montreal'

Your cleanliness offends me!

March 12th, 2013 · 84 Comments

“When my downstairs neighbour first moved in, I thought we would be friends,” says our submitter in Montreal. “We go to the same school, we’re around the same age, and we both love pets. (I have a cat and a dog, she has four cats.)” And yes, she says, “Every day — after 10 a.m., before 8 p.m. — I vacuum my house. She can have fun with all her cat-hair dust bunnies — I’ll stick to my cleaning schedule, thanks!”

It is absolutely necessary for you to vacuum every fucking day!!!! Seriously are you such a filthy dirtbag that you make such a mess every day??? I've been listening to you vacuum for months. GIVE IT A REST! HAVE SOME COMMON DECENCY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOURS!!!

Like our submitter in Montreal, I’ll admit that, as the owner of a dog who sheds quite a bit, I also vacuum pretty much every day. So if that makes me a “FILTHY DIRTBAG,” I guess I prefer that to becoming like “Dirty Lady #2.

related: I’m dirty and I love it

Tags: bold-underlined-caps · cleaning · Montreal · noise

The Boy Who Drank All the Milk: A first-world fable

January 23rd, 2013 · 60 Comments

Marcel in Montreal begins his story with the moral: “There are just some things you don’t mess with — vipers, rabid dogs, king cobras, black widows…and my mom.” His younger self, however, was far less wise. This is his tale.

For a long time, Marcel and his siblings had the irritating habit of drinking all the milk in the house late at night so that there was none left when their mother went to pour herself a bowl of cereal for breakfast the morning.

One day, Marcel and his siblings came home from school to find a batch of “the richest, most delicious brownies ever” sitting on the counter. Of course, they dug in immediately. But just as he was about to head to the fridge to pour himself a cold, tall glass of milk to wash down all that chocolate-y goodness, Marcel noticed this note from Mom hiding underneath the crumbs.

Maybe next time you'll think before you drink all the milk and don't replace it!! xoxo ? Mom

“Sacre bleu!” he cried, for sure enough, there was not a drop of milk to be found in the house. Leaving a trail of brownie crumbs behind him, he ran as fast as he could to the nearest dairy farm, where, shortly before hitting send on this submission, he was eaten by a very hungry wolf.

“Both Marcel and the brownies,” the wolf wrote, “were fucking delicious.”

related: The Boy Who Forgot to Clear His Browser History

Tags: heart · milk · Moms & Dads · Montreal · Mother-son notes · signed with love · xoxo

That must be some damn good coffee…

October 5th, 2010 · 143 Comments

“I was walking by a local café and this two-page, handwritten rant stopped me in my tracks,” says our submitter in Montreal. “I was so disturbed I went home and returned immediately with my camera, just in case the owner suddenly got sane (or had some sense talked into him) and decided to take it down. This is someone who should clearly not be dealing with the public.”

Rule 3 (c): Once the transaction is complete and the owner has given you an opening you may engage in social chit-chat.

Rule 3(b) Remember, first things first you are here to buy coffee.

Rule 3 (c): Once the transaction is complete and the owner has given you an opening you may engage in social chit-chat.

related: The Sushi Nazi

Tags: "customer service" · Montreal · most popular notes of 2010 · now that's management · restaurant

My condolences on your birthday

September 16th, 2009 · 116 Comments

Daniel is Montreal says his dear grandmother sent him this card in the mail for his birthday. The front of the card (which didn’t scan very well) says: It is not what is visible on the surface but what is deep inside that sustains us.

Well, says Daniel, “that and guilt.”

Hope I get to see the both of you before the year is over. Love, Grandma

related: Dear Grandma — thanks, I guess; How I “did” my grandma

Tags: birthday · Grandma · guilt trip · Montreal · old folks · signed with love

Bun — er, pizza — in the oven

February 29th, 2008 · 125 Comments

Zakir in Montreal came home one night to find his roommate, Tristan ferociously scribbling this note for his other roommate, Vincent.  Apparently, Tristan was baking cookies on Saturday night (aww) and when he turned on the stove, the entire apartment filled with smoke from the charred cardboard from Vince’s frozen pizza.

Says Zakir: “Vincent’s reply to the note was gold. He yelled: ‘Well, maybe next time you should CHECK the oven before you turn it on….WHAT IF THERE WAS A BABY IN THERE?!’ and then slammed his door behind him.”

Vince. Let this be a message to your other pizza cardboards. Take your cardboards out of the oven! -Tristan

Adds Zakir: “I’m not sure if those are hearts or flames all over the note, but I do know Tristan‘s face was scrunched with anger as he wrote it.”

Meanwhile, in Clemson, S.C…there is a baby in that oven.

This [redacted]'s pizza. [Redacted] is pregnant. If you know what is best for you, you will not eat a pregnant women's [sic] food. :) Love, ME!!

related: must have been a pretty big bite

Tags: double-entendre alert · heart · Montreal · oven · pizza · preggers · smiley · South Carolina · spelling and grammar police

Vaguely hostile hostel

September 6th, 2007 · 138 Comments

Frequent troublemaker Team Cassandra sends us a dispatch from her trip to old Montreal. The charmant hostel she stayed in had 32 hostelers, two bathrooms, one kitchen, lots of awkward signage, and an overall vibe of, “I’ve said this 10, 000 times and I’m not saying it again.”

ATTENTION ALL WHO AIM TO BOOZE IT UP TONIGHT: Drunks please go elsewhere to party (Montreal has a vast array of clubs and bars: pick one!) because people are trying to sleep after 11 pm. PS Put your empty beer bottles/cans in the recycling.

Thank you for NOT switching dorm beds :)

THANK YOU FOR KEEPING THE WASHROOM TIDY & NEAT!

S.V.P. Veuillez enlever vos chaussures avant de monter. Merci

GARDEZ CETTE PORTE FERMEE - KEEP THIS DOOR CLOSED/ SOYEZ LES BIENVENUS! BE WELCOME!

emptying the bath's drain filter

Tags: bathroom · bathtub · beer · blitzkrieg approach · Canada · drizzunk · excessive underlining · Francais · Montreal · opening/closing · smiley · transliteration