Entries Tagged as 'Ontario'

When a card just won’t do

February 22nd, 2009 · 80 Comments

Juan in Brampton, Ontario wasn’t persuasive enough to convince his girlfriend, Kat, to skip work and go to her own surprise party. His friends were…not so happy.

Happy Birthday Fishie & Kat  P.S. Juan is an idiot

Meanwhile, Sam’s best friend baked this for her husband after he re-arranged the living room early in the morning without telling her, resulting in some seriously bruised shins. “What’s even meaner,” Sam says? “She can’t cook. The cake probably tastes, well…bitter.”

FUCK YOU

Still hungry for more? Sharrin in San Diego, Sam in Daytona Beach, and of course, Cakewrecks have documented plenty more examples of sugar-coated hostility floating around the interwebs.

Congrats on your teen pregnancy

Death is closer than ever

At least you're pretty

Nobody loves you

And then there’s my personal favorite (again, straight out of the michael scott playbook):

Sexual harassment cake

related: “I don’t need a birthday cake,” I said.
extra credit: passive aggressive cakes [cakewrecks.blogspot.com]

Tags: birthday · cake · Canada · more aggressive than passive · Ontario · p.s.

A little advice for the ladies

February 12th, 2009 · 101 Comments

…courtesy of the hapless young lads of North America.

As documented by Kimberlee in Lawrence, Kansas:

a little advice for the ladies

And by Grant in Toronto, Canada:

yeah, women! seriously!

Happy breakup season, everyone!

related: Some dating advice

Tags: "helpful" advice · attire · battle of the sexes · Canada · Kansas · kinda creepy · Toronto

Venting machine

February 10th, 2009 · 92 Comments

If you’ve ever bought Twizzlers from a vending machine, you probably know that there’s a good one-in-three chance that one tiny corner of the plastic packaging is gonna get stuck — and bang on the glass all you want — only yielding after an extra 75 cents is inserted. Some folks, however, aren’t willing to condone that kind of stubbornness in their packaged sweets.

DO NOT BUY THE LICORICE IT DOES NOT WORK. The licorice doesn't work? No, it doesn't. It just lays around on it's mothers couch all day watching Judge Judy and collecting unemployment. (smart ass!)

related: Who’s the smartass?

Tags: Canada · CAPS LOCK · office · rebuttals · smartass · stealing · Toronto · vending machine drama

Panty raid!

January 14th, 2009 · 104 Comments

Caitlin at Ontario College didn’t write this note, but she feels for the person who did — she and four friends on her floor also had panties go missing from the dorm laundry room. “The thief seemed to particularly prefer black thongs,” she says. (Unlike the notewriter, however, they don’t necessarily want them back.)

Whoever Keeps Steeling [sic] Panties form the Dryers PLEASE STOP!! AND BRING THEM BACK!!!

Since then, however, it seems the thief may have (ahem) moved south of the border. The female residents of Alexis’s apartment building in Seattle are now facing a similar problem.

ATTENTION ALL RESIDENTS...I'VE RECEIVED CALLS ABOUT MISSING GIRLS UNDER GARMENTS AND IF CAUGHT WILL BE EVICTED!!!! HAVE SPIES WATCHING!!!!

And then…well, then there’s Japan. Jason spotted this note in Tokyo when he was staying there a few years back. Unfortunately, he never got the whole story, but that might be for the best.

To whoever stole 4 pairs of my underwear off the roof: You are one sick fucking individual. How fucking pathetic that you can't afford your own so you go and steal mine. Enjoy the crabs & bad karma you piece of shit.

related: Are you there, Margaret?

extra credit: Panty thief busted, then busted up [the smoking gun]
Panty thief jailed for laundry larceny [msnbc]

Tags: Canada · college life · kinda creepy · laundry · Ontario · Seattle · sex sex sex · stealing · Tokyo · WTF?

Listing in Now Magazine’s adult classifieds: $70. Revenge?

October 6th, 2008 · 76 Comments

…well, you know how it goes.

The listing is NOW MAGAZINE is INCORRECT. We don't provide the services usually fulfilled by your left hand. If you have to knock, you don't belong here, so PLEASE LEAVE.

Meanwhile, in Melbourne…

Sorry, this premises no longer providers "erotic relaxation" or any other service of that nature.

And in London…

THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL!!

…a saucy variation on a much-photographed placard from London’s Soho:

THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL THERE ARE NO PROSTITUTES AT THIS ADDRESS

But my favorite sign was spotted by Nick at a backpacker’s hostel in Rio:

Prostitutes are strictly forbidden to come upstairs. We recommend you go to Panda Motel at Sao Clemente, 298.

related: The whore of West Babylon

Tags: "customer service" · Australia · Canada · Melbourne · Rio de Janeiro · sex sex sex · Toronto

Just one question…

September 28th, 2008 · 119 Comments

WHY?!?

Seriously?

Dear Peter, Are you Retarded? Love, Sean

related: Two words: missing tarantula.

Tags: confusion??? · family · food · office · Ontario · signed with love · Texas

Please pick up your dirty laundry ASAP

August 28th, 2008 · 127 Comments

Says our anonymous Facebook user in Ottawa: “It’s exactly what it looks like.”

Your stuff is packed and sitting in the garage!!! Please pick up ASAP...sick of the lying and cheating....

related: In daylights? In sunsets? In midnights? In posts on Facebook?

Tags: ex drama · Facebook · Ottawa

Scatological Poetry Slam

July 22nd, 2008 · 223 Comments

Given the highly intellectual discussions this site’s commenters have become known for, it seems safe to assume that the question, “How are we to judge poetry?”  is one that you, dear reader, have no doubt pondered on many an occasion, along with other more academic concerns such as the proper resting state of the toilet lid.

Well, as the late Philip Larkin once said, “I think a poet should be judged by what he does with his subjects, not by what his subjects are.” With that in mind, which of these poets would you judge “less likely to make you totally vom”?

Is it this one, from a university campus in Toronto?

Dear Ladies, Please be kind to our noses by flushing during doses of Nature's secondary call when it's smelliest of all. To wail till the end, won't make you any friends, as the smell lingers here in this room with no air. So next time you must answer to Nature's rush for whatever doth ail ye, flush so we don't suffer daily. Thank you.

…or is it this one, spotted by Kacey at the YMCA in the college town of Champaign, Illinois?

STOOL RULES: If you want your stay to be real nice nice/After the deposit - flush it twice/When the paper work is done/Flush once more - it can be fun!!/Heed my words in what you do/Or all you've done - comes back to you

related:  A limerick

extra credit: The Poet of Dirty Words: Reconsidering Philip Larkin [slate.com]

Tags: Canada · Illinois · odor · office · pure poetry · toilet · Toronto

Get the hell out (and good luck next year!)

June 12th, 2008 · 116 Comments

Writes an anonymous submitter in Peterborough, Ontario: “This past year, my roommates and I had a stranger rent the extra room in our house, and he turned out to be a socially oblivious slob we spent the entire year picking up after.” As frustrating as the situation was, his roommate Andrew can’t seem to fully distance himself from his inborn Canadian niceness, even in this final send-off.

Steve: Seriously clean the upper back fridge

related: 2 good 2 be 4gotten

Tags: Canada · cleaning · fridge · Ontario · roommates · thanks (but not really)

Wet laundry’s a bitch

May 28th, 2008 · 212 Comments

Spotted by Anna on the wall of an apartment complex in Phoenix…

Enjoy your yeast infection! :)

Meanwhile, in Ottawa…it’s comforting to know that even when Mom isn’t there to do your laundry, she can still help you guilt-trip your neighbors.

To the person who rudely took my laundry out of this dryer and tossed it in a damp pile on the dirty shelf, I'm terrible sorry that your laundry had to wait the 5 mins it was taking me to come downstairs to remove my own laundry from the dryer. I'll tell my mom next time she shouldn't call me during laundry time as someone, such as yourself, may have to wait a few mins longer for the machine. I'm aware of the fact that there are only 2 machines for the entire building but give me a break - how rude can you possiblt be? Perhaps maybe in the future we can work out a time schedule so that my meger [sic] clothing doesn't interfere with your clearly superior laundry. Thanks for that.  P.S. I was planning on allowing my stuff to COMPLETELY dry and put more $ in the machine but your needs come first, I understand.

related: I wiped between my legs with those towels!

Tags: guilt trip · karma's a bitch · laundry · Moms & Dads · Ottawa · p.s. · Phoenix · sarcasm · thanks (but not really) · TL;DR