Entries Tagged as 'cleaning'

Neat freaks on speed

December 17th, 2013 · 128 Comments

Our submitter in Boston says she found this note on the kitchen counter “after my evil roommate abused some Adderall and stayed up cleaning, organizing, and generally banging around till an obscene hour.”

I am so sorry that I cleaned the entire house again. I am also sorry for doing everybody's dishes + cleaning up after their dishes. Have fun trashing the entire apartment. Especially since you have never been loud :)

Adds our submitter: “I can’t wait until the day when I live alone.”

related: The patron(izing) saint of roommates

Tags: Boston · cleaning · mean girls · roommates · smiley · thanks (but not really)

Four horsemen…and a microwave

October 15th, 2013 · 25 Comments

Rachel in California says the breakroom at her office hasn’t caused many problems in the past, but a recent wave of new hires has changed that. “The last time I opened the microwave it was stuffed with paper towels, the walls were slathered in orange goop, and it smelled like rotting horse flesh.” (In other words, like a frozen lasagna from Tesco?)

Is this a post-apocalyptic world where the blacks and whites of morality have blurred into a hazy grey and every man takes care of himself and only himself? No? Then CLEAN THE MICROWAVE AFTER YOU USE IT!

related: Someday, when society has all but crumbled around you…

Tags: California · cleaning · microwave · office

Grandma, this is not your house!

October 2nd, 2013 · 78 Comments

Precious in Texas says that whenever her mother comes over to visit, “all she wants to do is clean my messy house.” One day, Precious says, her daughter, Allison — along with Allison’s 5-year-old cousin — decided to take matters into their own hands, writing this warning and handing it to their grandma “fast mail.” As for Grandma’s response, says Precious, “I had to read it to her because she was laughing so hard.”

Dear grandma this is not your house so stop cleaning it or else we will lock you in a safe and open it the day after. Did you like my [choice] of fast mail? P.S. Send the envelope back I don't have many

related: Never put nature aside for television

Tags: cleaning · family · Grandma · kids · not-so-veiled threats · p.s.

Well, this sucks.

August 25th, 2013 · 24 Comments

Danny works for a small print company in London. “Our lovely cleaner only comes in once a week, so it falls upon the rest of us to keep the office neat and tidy.” Danny says that, judging from this creation — made up hundreds of punched paper holes — “I’ve got a feeling that someone feels that they are doing more than their fair share.”

HOOVER

related: Could somebody less important than me take care of this?

Tags: cleaning · London · office

Don’t #!%*@ over spilled oil

May 26th, 2013 · 59 Comments

Kyle in Sydney, Australia says this sign was posted near the elevator in the basement of his building, where apparently someone had spilled some cooking oil on the floor. Based on this note, I’m still a little unsure about how the person who cleaned up the mess felt about the whole situation.

Whoever spilled cooking oil on this floor, you are mother fucking asshole mother fucker. You don't even know what the fuck to do with your responsibility and it tells me why you are living at the bottom of our society idiot. I clean this shit for everyone not because of you little cunt. One more thing, you are fucking ass hole. Go fuck yourself with your shit face. Why are you breathing fucking son of bitch?

related: Seven words you CAN say on a box of leftover takeout

Tags: cleaning · fuck fuckity fuck fuck · more aggressive than passive · Sydney

A pre-emptive strike

May 2nd, 2013 · 44 Comments

Eddy shares a house in Providence, Rhode Island with his sister. “We’re both busy with school and work,” Eddy says, “so we take turns cleaning the bathroom.” Well, sort of. “I usually put it off for weeks,” Eddy admits.

Dear Eddy, Thank you for taking the time out of your busy week to clean the bathroom. I have bought cleaning supplies for your endeavor. ? Carissa

Adds Eddy: “By the way, the heart translates loosely to ‘I’ll f’ing kill you.’”

related: The patron(izing) saint of roommates

Tags: bathroom · cleaning · family · Providence · thanks (but not really)

Your cleanliness offends me!

March 12th, 2013 · 84 Comments

“When my downstairs neighbour first moved in, I thought we would be friends,” says our submitter in Montreal. “We go to the same school, we’re around the same age, and we both love pets. (I have a cat and a dog, she has four cats.)” And yes, she says, “Every day — after 10 a.m., before 8 p.m. — I vacuum my house. She can have fun with all her cat-hair dust bunnies — I’ll stick to my cleaning schedule, thanks!”

It is absolutely necessary for you to vacuum every fucking day!!!! Seriously are you such a filthy dirtbag that you make such a mess every day??? I've been listening to you vacuum for months. GIVE IT A REST! HAVE SOME COMMON DECENCY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOURS!!!

Like our submitter in Montreal, I’ll admit that, as the owner of a dog who sheds quite a bit, I also vacuum pretty much every day. So if that makes me a “FILTHY DIRTBAG,” I guess I prefer that to becoming like “Dirty Lady #2.

related: I’m dirty and I love it

Tags: bold-underlined-caps · cleaning · Montreal · noise

The Craft Services DTs

January 16th, 2013 · 47 Comments

Our anonymous submitter in L.A. says this opus was posted at the kitchen of a production company working on a network television show…where at least two people seem to have too much time on their hands.

To the hilarious slob who left the mess in the kitchen, good one! Ha ha! LOL! However, I ask you, are you bored with your job? Do you not have enough to do? You must have some spare time as you seemed to have gone out of your way to make such a mess. Or, maybe you have too much to do, so much that you don't have the time to clean up. From either scenario, I can deduce that you likely have a time management problem. You need to dig deep down inside and determine the root of the problem.

related: Dear Desperate for Salad

Tags: cleaning · kitchen · Los Angeles · TL;DR

Just sayin’ (while silently seething)

December 13th, 2012 · 34 Comments

The office break room: where everything is somebody else’s responsibility.

This banana has been here a while.

MOLD IS HERE.

BAD SALAMI

related: I am clearly too busy writing notes, so could somebody less important than me take care of this?

Tags: cleaning · office

Have your people call my people.

November 6th, 2012 · 34 Comments

Writes our submitter in Canada: “Of the 12 people living the house, only three do any sort of cleaning or washing up. This was the result of several months of accumulated angst.”

Dear household, I am suck of you discusting [sic] c*nts not washing up after your selfs [sic] you have one day to learn before you find your dirty dishes in bed with you. This includes pots, pans, cups, and tea pots. If you have a problem with that I am happy to discuss. Sincerely, Haarlem  Haarlem, I like the way you think, let's discuss this further. Get your people to call my people and we'll do lunch. Love, Ben

related: I did the dishes. Where’s my cookie?

Tags: Canada · cleaning · dishes · not-so-veiled threats · rebuttals · roommates · runaway run-on sentences · smartass · spelling and grammar police