A Connecticut man was arrested last night for allegedly slicing a watermelon in a passive-aggressive manner. According to the police report, the woman said she felt the man was resorting to “passive-aggressive” tactics to “intimidate her because he is angry at her.” According to the Register-Citizen:

The woman…was greeted by the sight of a watermelon, pierced by Cervillino’s large butcher knife, sitting on the kitchen counter top, police said. Cervillino walked in seconds later, and without saying anything, began slicing pieces of the watermelon.

Now, this site is notoriously loose in our working definition of “passive-aggressive,” but I’d call that just plain menacing. How about you?

(Thanks to Matt in D.C. for tipping us off to the story, and to Michael Kappel on Flickr for the photo!)

related: “Watermelon, watermelon, mofo, watermelon” will not work anymore

The day before her birthday, Emily in Baton Rouge was lamenting the fact that her husband had never once surprised me with a cookie cake. (Hint, hint.)

The next day, her husband “surprised” her with what Emily called “quite possibly the best present I’ve ever received — not only hilarious, but delicious as well!”

Meanwhile, writes Chanisa in Danbury, Connecticut: “This is what my husband wrote on my birthday cake after I nagged him about it for a week.”

related: I don’t want to hear another damn word about flowers

After Adam’s car got broken into while parked in his own driveway, he decided to install a motion-activated security light. Several months later, he received this note in the mail — stamped and all — from one of his (kinda totally creepy) Connecticut neighbors. Adam, perhaps it’s time to take the home security system up a notch?

related: Stupid is as stuiped does

Nope, it’s not just a West Coast thing — you can has exemplary higher education all over the country!

To wit: Marybeth spotted this totally [sic] bulletin board at Central Connecticut State University back in 2006.

related: Yes, this is from a college campus.

“So, this note was left in my mailbox (along with those of our other neighbors, I assume) back in March,” says our submitter in Connecticut. Although this one starts with out with seems like run-of-the-mill suburban blahblahblah, the second paragraph throws out a hell of a curveball.

“To be honest, I’m surprised the notewriter hasn’t taken to the street with a megaphone, demanding that the cowards who called the Health Department show themselves,” our submitter says. No such luck, however. ”My wife and I are dying to know who the snitch was,” he says, “but we’ve been left hanging!”

He adds: “I’ve considered mailing the writer an anonymous note stating that, strictly speaking, leaving notes in our mailboxes without paying postage is a violation of federal law. You know,  just to throw some fuel on the fire.” (I’d say submitting the note to this note is probably good enough.)

related: Thanks for your concern, but you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Who needs a “Powertrain warranty”? According to this Connecticut notewriter, if you buy a Ford, you get a lifetime worth of diplomat-worthy parking privileges!

Confession: I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 27. I am a terrible parker. (I am slow, but I try.) If only I had bought a Ford!

related: The Mini Cooper owner’s dilemma — “Save the earth, kill the kids?!”

extra credit: “Chevy” [urbandictionary.com]

Writes our anonymous submitter in Hartford, Connecticut: “We’re not much for posting notes in our restroom at work., so the situation must have been pretty dire for someone to go to the trouble to craft this one.”

I appreciate the initial sentiment here — I really do. this website has already condemned the cutesy rhyme that begins with “if you sprinkle when you tinkle” to a watery grave. so, for a brief flash in time, the note-writer had me. But then…the irregular Capitalizations, the excessive exclamation points!! and (seriously?) the pink flowery clip art…I’d say those make for some serious deductions in both the “technical merit” and “artistic impression” categories.

Judges — what say you of the final tally?

related: the rhyme that must be flushed

Sigh. Half the people in your department just got pink-slipped, your 401(k) is worth shit, and now, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse…they’re coming for your muffin, too.

All in the name of shareholder value!

(Leaked by Sayf in Greenwich, Connecticut.)

related: Lean cuisine
extra credit: Morgan Stanley cancels Christmas, jobs [dealbreaker]

“Let me preface this by saying that the ladies’ room at work is quite clean,” writes Angie in Stamford, Connecticut. “I’m not saying it’s where I eat my lunch, but it’s a very satisfactory restroom.”

It was something of a surprise, then, Angie says, when this sign appeared on each of the walls and stall doors.

In particular, Angie would like to draw your attention to the lower left-hand portion of the sign. “There are several lessons to be learned here,” she says, “perhaps most importantly that one should spray one’s corpses prior to placing them in the ladies’ room.”

related: When you can’t blame the dog

At Yale Divinity School, the daily chapel service is followed by a coffee hour. Apparently, says Sara in New Haven, “Some who skip chapel were helping themselves to the goodies before the intended time. Looks like the ‘keeper of the snacks’ has something to say about this.”

Meanwhile, John in Sudbury, Massachusetts spotted this humble plea outside the local Catholic church.

related: So much for turning the other cheek