Entries Tagged as 'dogs'

A nasty twist on “Man Bites Dog”

January 5th, 2011 · 71 Comments

Dan in Melbourne says he saw this sign while riding along a North Fitzroy bike path, which runs parallel to a park. Says Dan: “Now, I’ve owned a dog and I know how they like to roll in stinky things, but this it taking it to a new, super gross level.”

More gross than your dog rolling in/eating some other dog’s shit? Or stepping in a fresh pile of it yourself? I’m not sure I’m convinced. (Not that humans should be exempt from proper poop-scooping etiquette, of course.)

COLOSTOMY BAGS!! DO NOT DUMP IN PARK! DOGS GET INTO THEM! THE CONTENTS OF YOUR BOWELS GET INTO OUR HOUSES! -SORRY FOR YOUR AILMENT, BUT THIS IS TOO YUCK.

Personally, I’d like to imagine this as a triumphant act of payback on the part of a score-settling colon cancer survivor. (“This is for all the times I’ve stepped in your dogs’ crap. Enjoy!!”)

related: Do you want a doggy bag?

Tags: dogs · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Melbourne · pleasantries as afterthought · shit · that's disgusting · Too good to be real?

Did you want a doggy bag for those leftovers, sir?

November 8th, 2010 · 72 Comments

Our submitter says this isn’t the first time her father has put up this display in his front yard…proving, I guess that some people will go through a lot of shit just to make a point. (Meanwhile, the neighborhood dogs and dog owners continue to go about their business.)

Thank you for leaving this for me. I really don't need it. Feel free to take it home for your own use.

related: Lost & Found

Tags: Chicago · dogs · shit · thanks (but not really)

Stop! Don’t chute!

October 17th, 2010 · 56 Comments

Two simple rules for using the garbage chute:

DO put your dog poo down the chute.

TENANTS PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT YOU PUT YOUR DOG POOH DOWN THE SHUTE. IT SMELLS IF LEFT IN. THANK YOU! MANAGEMENT

DON’T put your dog, Pooh, down the chute.

ATTENTION RESIDENTS: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PUT ANY ANIMAL, DEAR OR ALIVE, IN THE TRASH CHUTE. If your pet dies, and you do not know the proper way to dispose of the remains, call the office. We will see the remains are disposed of in a humane and sanitary manner.

(Thanks to Jason in Ottawa and Catherine in D.C. for submitting!)

related: Garbage chute entitlement

Tags: animal welfare · CAPS LOCK · D.C. · dogs · landlords and property managers · Ottawa · shit · that's unsanitary

Dr. Doolittle gets tough

June 28th, 2010 · 70 Comments

Jane in Boston says this note appeared on Tomio’s bedroom door, at cat’s-eye level. “Given that I’m pretty sure cats can’t read, it’s the ultimate passive-aggressive sentiment,” Jane says, “but a cat shitting on your bed is pretty passive aggressive, too. What a tangled web we weave.”

Cats- Pursuant to the shit in my bed, you are hereby forbidden from my room until further notice. -Tomio

Meanwhile, a submitter in Cornwall, England spotted this note (again, at pet’s-eye level) on the front door of a house. “It was unclear what the dog had done, how the notewriter expected the dog to read this, or how ‘Diane’ was filming the dog,” our submitter says. “There was no sign of a camera.”

Dear DOG As of tonight you are on camera! You know who you are. Love Diane. Photo No. 1 has been taken!

And yet, it’s this commandment —posted by a neighbor of Marissa in San Francisco — that tickles me the most.

Its [sic] Prohibited for dogs to poop

UPDATE: A bonus note (via Anthonio in Seattle), from…Dirt.

Attention, The flower area is NOT for CAT SHIT. From here on out, any shit found here will be randomly re-located to different places... Get ready for surprises. Love always, Dirt

related: Excuse me, sir? I think you’ve dropped something.

Tags: Boston · cats · dogs · most popular notes of 2010 · San Francisco · Seattle · shit · signed with love · U.K. · you know who you are

My bite is worse than your bark

June 14th, 2010 · 107 Comments

Although she’s embarrassed to admit it now, Kristi in Portland confesses that when she wrote this letter, at age 14, she felt oh-so-very-grown-up.

In retrospect, she says, the most ridiculous part — besides the charmingly pretentious tone throughout — is probably the self-made letterhead. “I guess I thought the frog made for a good personal logo or something,” Kristi says. ”To my credit, I didn’t send the letter anonymously…I included my full name (first, middle and last), my address, my phone number AND my e-mail address. I only left off my Social Security number!”

Dear Sir or Madam, This must come to an end! Last year, every night for almost an entire summer, your dogs would bark late into the night disturbing my peace and thus threatening my sanity as I was allowed only a few precious hours of sleep per night. For some reason, this has not occurred often recently, and for that I am grateful. However, tonight, that peace was once again broken. I am certain that I am not the only neighbor in the area who has been kept awake because of your pets.I am a fourteen year old student, trying my hardest to complete my sophomore year of high school maintaining good grades. However, to do this, I need to be paying attention in my classes. To do this, I need to be awake, and in order to stay awake, I need to be able to sleep at night. This evening, I was very glad because I finished all the things that I needed to do earlier than usual (despite my inability to concentrate on a book for English due to the incessant barking) and was ready to go to bed at 10:30 p.m. However, once I was in bed, the dogs started to get noisy again. I tried to ignore it, but after half-an hour of restlessness, I finally got up, got dressed and came over to your house and rang your door-bell. I was not surprised that you were not at home, because I assume that if you were, you would not have tolerated the animals' behavior. I do not know if you even realize that whenever you are away, your dogs bark on and off all through the night, so now I am telling you. Please take whatever actions necessary to ensure that this bad habit ends here, whether that means just locking them inside while you are away, or possibly leaving them with friends or if it comes down to it, in a kennel. I know that I would appreciate it, as well as my family and assuming the surrounding neighbors would as well. Please, do not allow your animals behavior to deprive us of the sleep that we need to function reasonably and sanely. Thank You, Kristi

Adds Kristi: “My parents still live next door to these neighbors, and I avoid them to this day! Oh, and yes, they did try to keep their dogs indoors more after I sent the letter.”

related: Your to lazy

Tags: dogs · kids · neighbors · nice stationery · noise · Portland

Grow some thicker bark, why don’tcha?

June 3rd, 2010 · 80 Comments

“If you want respect,” barked the Daddy tree, “you gotta earn it. Show ‘some freakin’ acorns!”

“But Daaaaaaad,” whined the trembling young sapling. “I just…I just want to be beautiful!”

“What is this, a goddamn Shel Silverstein book? Quit your birching already.”

I am a dogwood, I am only lovely in the late spring. I believe it is my job to make the environment more beautiful. Why do you not like me?

(As witnessed by Kevin in Arcata, California, and (below) by Taber in Richmond, Virginia.)

I am a sad sad tree, barely hanging on to life. Please...keep your animals away from me...especially their urine.

But as Michael in Seattle observed, at least one of those sad little trees wasn’t about to let his bully of a father have the last word.

Tree to people: I'm Dead. get new tree & plant it here, OK? Thanks

related: The right to bear fruit

Tags: anthropomorphism · California · dogs · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · martyr complex · piss · Richmond · Seattle

So…I’m guessing you don’t get many visitors in your neck of the woods.

May 27th, 2010 · 90 Comments

Our anonymous submitter saw this notice up in Canada’s Yukon territory. “I always knew that dogs were a very important in the life of the Yukoners,” she says, by way of explanation…an explanation that, frustratingly, explains next to nothing about these people or their “visitors.”

To all non-pet-owners who visit and like to complain about our pets

Also, re: points #4 & 6 — my dog isn’t very good at coming when called, but he happens to love hanging out with “drug-using people.” (Lots of Cheetos crumbs and whatnot to lick off the floor.)

related: Your are welcome

Tags: Canada · cats · dogs · guests · questionable logic · TL;DR

WiFi for passive-aggressives

December 30th, 2009 · 168 Comments

When even leaving a note is too direct…you folks with wireless networks still named “linksys” or “trendnet” are clearly missing out on a priceless opportunity to piss off your neighbors.

YourDogShitsInMyYard

3rdFloorAssholeSTFUOnYourBalcony

Icanhereyouhavingsex [sic]

Caitlin stop using our Internet!

please no more grindcore at 3am

Stop being so fucking loud.

plzstopfuckingsoloudly

We can hear you having sex.

(Thanks to submitters Paul in St. Paul, Stirling in Salt Lake City, Arcadiy in Seattle, Denise in Rochester, Sara in Berkeley, Liz in Austin, Breanne in Oklahoma City, and Payal in Pleasanton, California…all of whom, no doubt, have secured wi-fi networks. Right, guys?)

related: Why-fi

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Tags: dogs · most popular notes of 2009 · neighbors · noise · sex sex sex

Free to be you and me

April 12th, 2009 · 95 Comments

Writes Jay in Miami Beach: “The woman who lives in Apt. 2, right next to the front door of the building, had such a stinky dog smell emanating from her apartment that you could smell it through the closed door.”

Presumably, she could hear everyone’s complaints through the closed door, too.

I'm Dirty and I LOVE it. I LOVE my dirty dog BAD smell. I DON'T CARE If it bother you. -Dirty Lady #2

Dirty Lady #2

related: When you can’t blame the dog

Tags: dogs · Miami · neighbors · odor · oh no you didn't

Sausage-shaped, but lumpy

January 20th, 2009 · 131 Comments

Tom took notice of this “open letter” — a thoughtful missive that clearly merits our collective attention — on a telephone pole in San Francisco.

If we’re really lucky, perhaps this Richard Asshat character will grace us with an open response in the comments, whiteblizzard70-style!

An open letter to the asshat who uses Osgood Place as their own personal shitting grounds

An open letter (close up)

an open letter (close up)

(Note: For your further enrichment, here’s a less faded graphic of the bristol stool scale.)

related: when ph.d.s get angry
extra credit: mcsweeney’s open letters

Tags: dogs · San Francisco · shit · visual aids