PassiveAggressiveNotes.com » all-staff e-mail http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people Wed, 08 Feb 2012 19:51:33 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 In case you’d forgotten that you are but a tiny, eminently replaceable cog in this vast machine… http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/08/18/in-the-loop/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/08/18/in-the-loop/#comments Fri, 19 Aug 2011 00:12:27 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=19213 Your corporate overlords would like to offer this friendly reminder of how much we value our employees!

Hi Everyone, Effective immediately, [redacted] no longer works for [redacted]. On a more positive note, [redacted] (a new Qualifier) starts on Monday! Just wanted to keep everyone in the loop. I hope your [sic] having a great day!! TGIF... :) Thank you

related: Recession incentive plan

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/08/18/in-the-loop/feed/ 77 Dear coworkers: I’m sending this e-mail while sitting on the john! Just thought you’d want to know. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/03/the-old-diarrhea-excuse/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/03/the-old-diarrhea-excuse/#comments Tue, 03 May 2011 21:13:08 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=18236 Writes our disgusted submitter: “All that time on the toilet to think, and this is what you came up with?”
______________
How do you say diarrhea politely? I'll be in when I can.

related: Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea?

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/03/the-old-diarrhea-excuse/feed/ 73 So this is your NON-vulgar side? Shut the front door! http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/03/21/shut-the-front-door/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/03/21/shut-the-front-door/#comments Mon, 21 Mar 2011 13:00:17 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=17872 Sorry, I meant back door. I’m gonna slowly back away now, ma’am…

Hi Jason (and other intermittent door slammers): DO NOT SLAM THE BACK F*****G DOOR. The back room is a thoroughfare but it is also my office (and [redacted]). Sudden loud noises scare the shit out of me and also give me the f*****g shits like you wouldn't believe. Don't do it again or you will get to see a side of me that is extremely vulgar. I've been putting up with it intermittently for the past 2 years and am over it. If you have a problem with my request come and see me so I can give you a piece of my mind.

related: Dear lovely ladies

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/03/21/shut-the-front-door/feed/ 50 Memo to all employees (including specifically you) http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/18/memo-to-all-employees/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/18/memo-to-all-employees/#comments Thu, 18 Nov 2010 21:26:43 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=17006 Taylor in Tulsa, Oklahoma works — well, worked — at the front desk of a hotel. “When I started this job,” he says, “we were told we could eat in the back office so that if it got too busy we could stop our lunch and help out, but apparently my offensive burrito was over the top.” Taylor swears the dirty dishes weren’t his, but he was laid off anyway — after which, he adds, “the note was promptly removed.”

(“Outback,” by the way, refers to the employee dining area, not the steakhouse known for its “delicious” bread.)

The AYS staff is leaving dirty dishes behind the front desk. Eating is not allowed in the offices unless it is something minor like a bagel or a company sponsored meal like pizza. AYS associates are to take their breaks and eat in the Outback. Surfing the web while having a STINKY BURRITO and then leaving the dishes for someone else to clean up is not how we do it here. If you cannot abide by this we will address it using progressive discipline as outlined in the Associate Handbook.

Meanwhile, at a small office in Canada, our submitter says one of the company’s directors has a similar habit of sending out a pedantic “just FYI”-type memo to the entire staff each time she has run-in with another co-worker. (And yes, our submitter says, they’re always in Comic Sans.)

Hi all, It is with regret that I have to circulate the following email. Please understand that I would not send this message if it was not a big problem for me. As a person that is severely sensitive to smells I have to ask for your help. I am very sensitive to body odour and hope that folks in the office can be aware of this and try to minimize odour for the comfort of all office staff, including specifically me. Our space is small and when in a small room together the odours can be quite strong. Stale body odour on clothes can be avoided by regularly washing and changing clothes. Keep one's breath fresh, regular brushing, using mouthwash or breath mints/gum. Also, to avoid spreading germs to other office staff, given the onset of flu season, please wash hands frequently. Sneeze into a Kleenex and discard right away or sneeze into your sleeve not your hands. If you are under the weather the HR policy allows for sick time, so please stay home until you are better.

related: Complimentary body spray for all employees!

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/18/memo-to-all-employees/feed/ 105 Sounds like somebody needs a vacation. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/04/30/sounds-like-somebody-needs-a-vacation/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/04/30/sounds-like-somebody-needs-a-vacation/#comments Sat, 01 May 2010 01:31:18 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=14298 Luckily, Liz in Houston convinced her work buddy not to forward this not-at-all-passive Jerry Springer-esque rant to the entire company e-mail list, as originally intended. (Otherwise, work buddy’s much-needed vacation might have turned out to be a permanent one.)

If I catch another one of you getting on our already crammed slow a$ elevators to go down one friggin floor I might lose it. It took me 11 minutes to get to the lobby. Want to know why? Shut up, I'm telling you why. Cause you lazy mother f'ers use it to get from the 21st to the 20th floors.I see you, you aren't even wearing uncomfortable designer shoes, so you have no excuse except that pile of lard you call your a$. I'm watching you...

related: Do your stairs think you’re fat?

extra credit: How not to land an internship [gawker.com]

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/04/30/sounds-like-somebody-needs-a-vacation/feed/ 78 Starve on! http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/27/starve-on/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/27/starve-on/#comments Thu, 28 Jan 2010 03:54:06 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=12872 Explains our submitter in New York: “This note is the result of a less-than-enthusiastic holiday food drive. Our office is a gray, lifeless place — what can one expect?”

(I don’t know…maybe some munchkins now and then?)

We would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who participated in the 2009 Food Drive. We collected 75 pounds less than the 100 pounds of food required for pick up but I am sure that it will be greatly appreciated by those affected by homelessness, job losses and the elderly. There are three items which are not acceptable donation items. They have been placed on the table. Please check if they are from your donation and retrieve them.

related: But what about Hawaiian Shirt Day?

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/27/starve-on/feed/ 139 An e-mail from my arteries http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/19/an-e-mail-from-my-arteries/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/19/an-e-mail-from-my-arteries/#comments Wed, 20 Jan 2010 04:23:21 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=12795 Filching someone’s McDonald’s coupons…the “aggressive” flipside of the passive-aggressive offering of coupons for fitness DVDs?

“The person who sent this e-mail is actually a great and very well-liked individual at my place of work,” our submitter says. (Assuming, I guess, that one doesn’t come between him and his Egg McMuffins.)

I really have you have a great day...

related: sympathy for the devil

extra credit: Shaking things up at Dairy Queen

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/19/an-e-mail-from-my-arteries/feed/ 65 The half-donut bandit http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/28/the-half-donut-bandit/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/28/the-half-donut-bandit/#comments Thu, 29 Oct 2009 04:20:58 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=11733 As we’ve noted here before, the white-collar nuisance known as the nibbler has been pathetically picking his (half)way through office kitchenettes across the land for some time now.

While the nibbler’s actions are usually met with disdain, one oh-so-compassionate office-worker from Omaha decided to take a different approach — an e-mail intervention, of sorts. I’d also be interested to see his advice for Mike in Cleveland, who seems to have similar delusions about the health impact of eating 9 donuts instead of 10.

(click the image below to enlarge)

passivaggressivenotes.com:

The kicker? As it turns out, according to our anonymous submitter,”the bandit was, in fact, a guy!”

related: Just take the whole slice next time, okay?

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/28/the-half-donut-bandit/feed/ 203 You gotta hand it to HR… http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/26/you-gotta-hand-it-to-hr/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/26/you-gotta-hand-it-to-hr/#comments Tue, 27 Oct 2009 02:11:38 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=11725 With morale at many companies coasting towards all-time lows, those peppy human resources specialists keep coming up with new budget-conscious ways to keep us worker bees happily humming along. To wit: “Popcorn Thursday.” Sounds like a total blast, right?

you gotta hand it to HR...

Meanwhile, an anonymous post-it writer in Denver speaks up for how employees really feel about these “morale boosters.”

passiveaggressivenotes.com: 1 easy way to reward employees

related: A sign (or ten) that your HR department might have too much time on their hands

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/26/you-gotta-hand-it-to-hr/feed/ 136 Miss Place is SO SERIOUS http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/15/miss-place-is-so-serious/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/15/miss-place-is-so-serious/#comments Thu, 15 Oct 2009 06:06:55 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=11674 Ashley in Richmond, Virginia says this e-mail was sent to every single employee at her office. Then, “after thirty minutes, the sender attempted to recall it six times.” (That’s how you know she was SO SERIOUS.)

passiveaggressivenotes.com: funny, spelling-and-grammar-challenged e-mail to office about missing boost mobile cell phone

related: the classic all-staff e-mail

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/15/miss-place-is-so-serious/feed/ 239 There’s a Nigerian prince I can put you in touch with for more information… http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/09/theres-a-nigerian-prince-i-can-put-you-in-touch-with-for-more-information/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/09/theres-a-nigerian-prince-i-can-put-you-in-touch-with-for-more-information/#comments Fri, 09 Oct 2009 06:03:58 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=11654 Office lunch thieves: always despicable, and in this case — gullible, too.

The “helpful” (yet oh-so-devious) all-staff e-mail sent by the victim:

office lunch thieves: always despicable, and in this case — gullible, too.

And — I shit you not — the response:

office lunch thieves: always despicable, and in this case — gullible, too.

related: lean cuisine

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/09/theres-a-nigerian-prince-i-can-put-you-in-touch-with-for-more-information/feed/ 156 Sympathy for the Devil http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/04/sympathy-for-the-devil/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/04/sympathy-for-the-devil/#comments Mon, 05 Oct 2009 02:35:34 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=11558 This good-humored e-mail was send out to the entire staff of an elementary school…IN HELL!

(click the image below to enlarge)

Turns out she was a vampire herself

related: What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/10/04/sympathy-for-the-devil/feed/ 146 And those Cheetos were my baby’s yellow dye #6 http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/06/26/and-those-cheetos-were-my-babys-yellow-dye-6/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/06/26/and-those-cheetos-were-my-babys-yellow-dye-6/#comments Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:38:21 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=11122 This (long-overdue) all-staff e-mail is like a fetus-sized version of one of my favorite self-righteous masterpieces. (How this one got buried in my inbox for so long, I have no idea.)

It comes to us courtesy of Jennifer in Chapel Hill, N.C., who notes: “In this instance, ‘local users,’ is everyone in our corporate HQ — including the president, vice presidents, directors, legal counsel, etc., who don’t typically utilize the refrigerator in the staff break room.”

You are welcome!

related: it must have been a pretty big bite

extra credit: stfu, parents

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/06/26/and-those-cheetos-were-my-babys-yellow-dye-6/feed/ 90 But what about Hawaiian shirt day? http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/03/23/but-what-about-hawaiian-shirt-day/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/03/23/but-what-about-hawaiian-shirt-day/#comments Mon, 23 Mar 2009 23:27:07 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=10617 Our submitter, Glenn, says this all-staff e-mail “just kinda sucked the life out of us” around his office. “It was like a Mom saying ‘Guess what, kids?” in a really excited voice, and then saying ‘You’re going to the dentist!!!‘”

so, life is still good!

But the best part of this note — besides the pitch-perfect forced jollity — is the fact that at the time this message was sent, only one person in the office (Glenn) happened to have long sideburns and a “fun” faux hawk. So, gosh darn it, life is still good!

related: the classic all-staff e-mail

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/03/23/but-what-about-hawaiian-shirt-day/feed/ 116