PassiveAggressiveNotes.com » e-mail http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people Wed, 08 Feb 2012 19:51:33 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 In case you’d forgotten that you are but a tiny, eminently replaceable cog in this vast machine… http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/08/18/in-the-loop/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/08/18/in-the-loop/#comments Fri, 19 Aug 2011 00:12:27 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=19213 Your corporate overlords would like to offer this friendly reminder of how much we value our employees!

Hi Everyone, Effective immediately, [redacted] no longer works for [redacted]. On a more positive note, [redacted] (a new Qualifier) starts on Monday! Just wanted to keep everyone in the loop. I hope your [sic] having a great day!! TGIF... :) Thank you

related: Recession incentive plan

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/08/18/in-the-loop/feed/ 77 A citation from the fat police http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/08/14/a-citation-from-the-fat-police/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/08/14/a-citation-from-the-fat-police/#comments Sun, 14 Aug 2011 21:09:01 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=19184 Writes an office worker in Alabama: “A co-worker attends a weekly cooking class in town, and this week they made a Cinnamon Roll Casserole. The co-worker decided to bring it in to work and share it with the office.” The nerve of some people!

Hey J, Brining [sic] in food items that are very heavy in calories is only fueling people’s addiction to sugar. It is the same as fueling people other desire in pursuits that you might consider as sin such as alcohol or drugs. People addicted to drugs and alcohol have problems controlling themselves around these items. The same goes for high calorie foods. The consequence for quick satisfaction as you know are being fat and unhealthy. Unless you wish others to be fat and unhealthy, please bring only healthy food. Thanks, Jeff

related: Loose lips shrink hips

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/08/14/a-citation-from-the-fat-police/feed/ 175 Dear coworkers: I’m sending this e-mail while sitting on the john! Just thought you’d want to know. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/03/the-old-diarrhea-excuse/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/03/the-old-diarrhea-excuse/#comments Tue, 03 May 2011 21:13:08 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=18236 Writes our disgusted submitter: “All that time on the toilet to think, and this is what you came up with?”
______________
How do you say diarrhea politely? I'll be in when I can.

related: Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea?

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/05/03/the-old-diarrhea-excuse/feed/ 73 So this is your NON-vulgar side? Shut the front door! http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/03/21/shut-the-front-door/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/03/21/shut-the-front-door/#comments Mon, 21 Mar 2011 13:00:17 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=17872 Sorry, I meant back door. I’m gonna slowly back away now, ma’am…

Hi Jason (and other intermittent door slammers): DO NOT SLAM THE BACK F*****G DOOR. The back room is a thoroughfare but it is also my office (and [redacted]). Sudden loud noises scare the shit out of me and also give me the f*****g shits like you wouldn't believe. Don't do it again or you will get to see a side of me that is extremely vulgar. I've been putting up with it intermittently for the past 2 years and am over it. If you have a problem with my request come and see me so I can give you a piece of my mind.

related: Dear lovely ladies

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/03/21/shut-the-front-door/feed/ 50 Instructional instructions http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/02/09/instructional-instructions/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/02/09/instructional-instructions/#comments Thu, 10 Feb 2011 01:32:26 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=17622 Our submitter in Malaysia called this auto-reply from her coworker “a great way to ensure consistent passive-aggressiveness in the workplace, even when you’re busy holidaying.” (As always, just click the image to enlarge.)

Hi, Thank you for your email. I am on leave till 7 Feb with no email access. Should you need any assistance please drop me an email. Thank you.

It reminded me of these “instructional instructions” from the manual that James in the U.K. received with his DVD player.

1. Read these instructions. 2. Keep these instructions. 3. Heed all warnings. 4. Follow all instructions

related: Gee, that’ll show ‘em

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2011/02/09/instructional-instructions/feed/ 67 Did somebody say “snail mail”? http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/12/01/snail-mail/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/12/01/snail-mail/#comments Thu, 02 Dec 2010 02:00:29 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=17070 Before her husband left on his first military deployment, Sarah in San Diego sent out an e-mail to the whole family with info about how everyone can stay in touch while he’s away. To avoid any potential in-law drama, she even had her husband read and sign off on the e-mail before sending. What neither Sarah nor her husband took into account? The Uncle Paul factor.

Her husband’s Uncle Paul, Sarah explains, is a mailman/postman/letter carrier — whatever the correct term is. (Based on Uncle Paul’s reply, she says, “I’m clearly not up enough on the intricate etiquette of the U.S. Postal Service to know.”)

Sarah oh Sarah, Greetings and Happy Post Thanksgiving. Congrats.........you have officially made

related: This is why your postal worker is disgruntled

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/12/01/snail-mail/feed/ 107 As the holidays approach…you’d better guard your kneecaps http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/29/as-the-holidays-approach-youd-better-guard-your-kneecaps/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/29/as-the-holidays-approach-youd-better-guard-your-kneecaps/#comments Tue, 30 Nov 2010 02:49:08 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=17061 If you needed another reason why mixing friends and money usually ends up badly, here’s five of them.

(And to the letter-writer: I think I’ve got a great “hassle-free” New Year’s resolution idea for you!)

Dear Friends, With the holidays approaching (Chanukah on Dec. 1, and Xmas a few weeks later), there is no time like the present for

(Thanks to Kristen in Leesburg, Virginia for forwarding!)

related: Two birds with one snowman

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/29/as-the-holidays-approach-youd-better-guard-your-kneecaps/feed/ 140 Feeling of failing http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/21/feeling-of-failing/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/21/feeling-of-failing/#comments Mon, 22 Nov 2010 02:00:45 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=17046 Our submitter, a college student in Wisconsin, passes along this “debackle” of an e-mail a girl in her art history class recently sent to all the other students in the class — and, in a particularly gutsy/idiotic move — to the professor, too.

Adds our submitter: “The funny thing is that the class is actually very enjoyable, the instructor has never changed a test date/format, and the lectures are always well organized and engaging. Judging from all the spelling errors, she might want to drop art history and pick up an English class instead.”

Hi. I'm a classmate forced to suffer with you on this painful road of the history of art. I am reaching out to anyone who is struggling to keep up with the changing tests, the lack of pertanant [sic] information, and the hair pulling debackle [sic] of lecture. I'm looking for people who are up for study groups and that are willing to share the load when figuring out where the hell we're going. Feel free to contact me if your [sic] interested in hooking up and NEVER TAKING THIS CLASS AGAIN! I'm willing to work and desprate [sic] not to do this again. All my info is listed below, texting or e-mail is best.

related: One final critique — put the damned phone away!

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/21/feeling-of-failing/feed/ 116 Memo to all employees (including specifically you) http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/18/memo-to-all-employees/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/18/memo-to-all-employees/#comments Thu, 18 Nov 2010 21:26:43 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=17006 Taylor in Tulsa, Oklahoma works — well, worked — at the front desk of a hotel. “When I started this job,” he says, “we were told we could eat in the back office so that if it got too busy we could stop our lunch and help out, but apparently my offensive burrito was over the top.” Taylor swears the dirty dishes weren’t his, but he was laid off anyway — after which, he adds, “the note was promptly removed.”

(“Outback,” by the way, refers to the employee dining area, not the steakhouse known for its “delicious” bread.)

The AYS staff is leaving dirty dishes behind the front desk. Eating is not allowed in the offices unless it is something minor like a bagel or a company sponsored meal like pizza. AYS associates are to take their breaks and eat in the Outback. Surfing the web while having a STINKY BURRITO and then leaving the dishes for someone else to clean up is not how we do it here. If you cannot abide by this we will address it using progressive discipline as outlined in the Associate Handbook.

Meanwhile, at a small office in Canada, our submitter says one of the company’s directors has a similar habit of sending out a pedantic “just FYI”-type memo to the entire staff each time she has run-in with another co-worker. (And yes, our submitter says, they’re always in Comic Sans.)

Hi all, It is with regret that I have to circulate the following email. Please understand that I would not send this message if it was not a big problem for me. As a person that is severely sensitive to smells I have to ask for your help. I am very sensitive to body odour and hope that folks in the office can be aware of this and try to minimize odour for the comfort of all office staff, including specifically me. Our space is small and when in a small room together the odours can be quite strong. Stale body odour on clothes can be avoided by regularly washing and changing clothes. Keep one's breath fresh, regular brushing, using mouthwash or breath mints/gum. Also, to avoid spreading germs to other office staff, given the onset of flu season, please wash hands frequently. Sneeze into a Kleenex and discard right away or sneeze into your sleeve not your hands. If you are under the weather the HR policy allows for sick time, so please stay home until you are better.

related: Complimentary body spray for all employees!

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/18/memo-to-all-employees/feed/ 105 Not to worry, I’m alive. Not that you’d care. I’m only your mother! http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/10/03/not-to-worry-im-alive-not-that-youd-care-im-only-your-mother/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/10/03/not-to-worry-im-alive-not-that-youd-care-im-only-your-mother/#comments Mon, 04 Oct 2010 03:29:39 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=16684 Our submitter and her brother — both adults — recently received this e-mail from their mother, who’s currently traveling (thus making telephone calls difficult). What ever did empty nesters do before e-mail?

So, that's it??? You are never going to email me again??? OK. Never mind about all the times I let you do really fun things. Love, Mom

(Actually, it’s pretty easy to imagine this in telegram form — just take out the word “email” and sub in <STOP> for all those question marks.)

related: Thanks, Mom, for reminding me why I moved out in the first place.

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/10/03/not-to-worry-im-alive-not-that-youd-care-im-only-your-mother/feed/ 87 Facebook: enabling your Mom to embarrass you in new and increasingly far-reaching ways! http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/08/16/facebook-enabling-your-mom-to-embarrass-you-in-new-and-increasingly-far-reaching-ways/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/08/16/facebook-enabling-your-mom-to-embarrass-you-in-new-and-increasingly-far-reaching-ways/#comments Tue, 17 Aug 2010 02:34:58 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=16347 Writes Natalie in Pennsylvania: “My mother (who is unfortunately on Facebook) noticed that some of my extended family had wished my twin sister happy birthday but not me.”

Although Natalie herself couldn’t care less, her mother — “a master of both e-mail networking and Jewish guilt”—  took it upon herself to write this e-mail and send it out everyone in the entire family. “And I mean EVERYONE,” Natalie says — “my cousins in Mexico got it!” [Face palm]

(If you can’t decipher the hideous font, mouse over the image for a translation.)

Dear Ones, It has come to my attention that a matter of sibling unfairness has arisen. Please do not think for a moment that I consider this to be an intentional slight by any of you. But matters that by some (or one) perceived as wronged must be put right by us all. Therefore gentle relatives you must mind your manners and know that birthday greetings to one twin on her face book page must be matched by the same greeting to the other on hers. She who hears nothing from her dear ones on the day of her rejoicing must think herself unloved and surely that is not the relative intention. Yours truly, Your Aunt, Sister and Mother

(What would Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield do? Find out in Sweet Valley High #144: Relative Intentions!)

related: Yet another reason why you shouldn’t be friends with your parents on Facebook

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/08/16/facebook-enabling-your-mom-to-embarrass-you-in-new-and-increasingly-far-reaching-ways/feed/ 61 Sounds like somebody needs a vacation. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/04/30/sounds-like-somebody-needs-a-vacation/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/04/30/sounds-like-somebody-needs-a-vacation/#comments Sat, 01 May 2010 01:31:18 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=14298 Luckily, Liz in Houston convinced her work buddy not to forward this not-at-all-passive Jerry Springer-esque rant to the entire company e-mail list, as originally intended. (Otherwise, work buddy’s much-needed vacation might have turned out to be a permanent one.)

If I catch another one of you getting on our already crammed slow a$ elevators to go down one friggin floor I might lose it. It took me 11 minutes to get to the lobby. Want to know why? Shut up, I'm telling you why. Cause you lazy mother f'ers use it to get from the 21st to the 20th floors.I see you, you aren't even wearing uncomfortable designer shoes, so you have no excuse except that pile of lard you call your a$. I'm watching you...

related: Do your stairs think you’re fat?

extra credit: How not to land an internship [gawker.com]

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/04/30/sounds-like-somebody-needs-a-vacation/feed/ 78 Starve on! http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/27/starve-on/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/27/starve-on/#comments Thu, 28 Jan 2010 03:54:06 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=12872 Explains our submitter in New York: “This note is the result of a less-than-enthusiastic holiday food drive. Our office is a gray, lifeless place — what can one expect?”

(I don’t know…maybe some munchkins now and then?)

We would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who participated in the 2009 Food Drive. We collected 75 pounds less than the 100 pounds of food required for pick up but I am sure that it will be greatly appreciated by those affected by homelessness, job losses and the elderly. There are three items which are not acceptable donation items. They have been placed on the table. Please check if they are from your donation and retrieve them.

related: But what about Hawaiian Shirt Day?

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/27/starve-on/feed/ 139 An e-mail from my arteries http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/19/an-e-mail-from-my-arteries/ http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/19/an-e-mail-from-my-arteries/#comments Wed, 20 Jan 2010 04:23:21 +0000 Kerry http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/?p=12795 Filching someone’s McDonald’s coupons…the “aggressive” flipside of the passive-aggressive offering of coupons for fitness DVDs?

“The person who sent this e-mail is actually a great and very well-liked individual at my place of work,” our submitter says. (Assuming, I guess, that one doesn’t come between him and his Egg McMuffins.)

I really have you have a great day...

related: sympathy for the devil

extra credit: Shaking things up at Dairy Queen

]]> http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/19/an-e-mail-from-my-arteries/feed/ 65