Entries Tagged as 'U.K.'

The Vicar of Glibly

February 6th, 2012 · 29 Comments

Spotted by George outside his local church in East London:

The vicarage drive is in constant use. Please consider your ETERNAL SALVATION before parking here without permission!

related: He died for your clip art

Tags: God · London · parking · you're like so going to hell

This vending machine ruined my life!

November 18th, 2011 · 94 Comments

Ah, first world problems.

The coffee vending machine gives coffee options in the order

(Spotted by Kim in Manchester, U.K.)

related: My query on the egg salad ban

Tags: college life · Manchester · U.K. · vending machine drama

XXX, Mum

November 12th, 2011 · 88 Comments

James in the U.K. recently came home from football practice to discover that, in his absence, his mother had gotten a peek at his Internet browser history (“full of…well, I’m 15, I’m sure you can guess.”) As cool as his mum was about the whole thing, says James, “I still don’t know if I’ll be able to look her in the face for a while.”

Dear James, Yes, your laptop HAS been used - I couldn't find my charger. Sorry. P.S: You should probably delete your search history - your Gran would be shocked. P.P.S: You know Internet Explorer has a mode for stuff like that, it's called Incognito Mode, I think. Happy viewing! Lots of love, Mum. XOXO

“Happy viewing”? Nicely played, Mum.

related: “Sweetie, I saw that Walgreens is having a sale on jumbo-sized rubbers, so of course I thought of you!”

Tags: "helpful" advice · Mother-son notes · Oops? · p.s. · sex sex sex · signed with love · U.K. · xoxo

The unfinished story of the unhappy door

November 6th, 2011 · 71 Comments

The missing last line of this story: “Unfortunately, it just made people slam the door more loudly out of spite.”

Once upon a time there was a door that was rather unhappy. Every day people would allow the door to slam very loudly. The door was a very thoughtful door, so it very sad about the people who allow him to slam and cause such a disturbance. One day one person had the idea to leave a subtle note on the door with the hope that this note would tactfully encourage people to stop slamming their f&*king doors. -The end-

(Upon publication, this story was roundly slammed by reviewers.)

related: “The life of a toilet is much more stressful than people realize”

Tags: "polite notice" · anthropomorphism · clip art catastrophe · door-slamming · neighbors · U.K.

Happy National Sandwich Day!

November 3rd, 2011 · 80 Comments

Would you care to furnish the last line of this haiku?

Who stole my sandwich! (Could it be the) SANDWICH THIEF!!

related: Sandwich guilt

Tags: food · London · office fridge · smartass · stealing

Mellon Collie and the Seasonal Sadness

October 29th, 2011 · 123 Comments

Halloween: smashing children’s dreams, one pumpkin at a time. (Sigh)

MESSAGE TO THE VANDAL WHO SMASHED UP THE PUMPKIN ON THIS PLOT: The pumpkin was intended for my 4 year old niece to carve at Halloween. She has spent the last 4 months watching it grow and is now understandable rather upset that you've smashed it for no apparent reason than to

(Spotted by Toby in the U.K.)

related: Another four-year-old gets wise to the cruel, cruel world we live in

Tags: CAPS LOCK · guilt trip · Halloween · U.K. · vandalism · Won't somebody think of the children?

Where cursing thieves with crippling violence has a 2000-year-old precedent

October 4th, 2011 · 28 Comments

Spotted by Vicky at an antiques shop in Bath, England: a modern twist on the ancient local tradition of curse tablets. (To quote Wikipedia: “About 130 curse tablets have been found at Aquae Sulis, now Bath in England, where many of the curses related to thefts of clothes whilst the victim was bathing.”)

Notice, to all prospective Shoplifters: We strongly recommend that prior to committing your despicable act you purchase one, or maybe two, of our very reasonably priced walking sticks (only £2 each) because if we catch you they will be a vital aid to you for at least 6 months. -Rolfey's P.s We also have a multi camera CCTV system

related: Law & Order: Social Media Unit

extra credit: Curse tablets of Roman Britain

Tags: not-so-veiled threats · retail hell · stealing · U.K.

Nobody does a “polite notice” quite like the Brits

September 20th, 2011 · 38 Comments

“One of our local parks has a busy tea shop that’s popular with walkers, cyclists, families and people exercising their dogs,” says Clive in Brighton. “I don’t blame them for getting fed up with demanding dog owners, and I suppose a note is one way to communicate, but in rhyme? And, worse, rhyme this bad?”

We walk our dogs in Stanmer Park/We go to the cafe where they sit and bark/We put out water, sell doggy biscuits at the till/We provide a lead so they sit still/So when we are busy at the till and doggy water needs a fill, please give us a thought, please don't moan/Just collect your dog and take him home/Next time when doggy wants to roam bring some water and don't moan/we are here to do a job, and it's up to you to care for your dog

related: A polite notice to the owner of this marvelous vehicle

Tags: "customer service" · "polite notice" · dogs · don't blame us · martyr complex · pure poetry · restaurant · U.K.

Hampstead Row Houses (and Rows over Houses)

September 18th, 2011 · 36 Comments

David spotted this oh-so-charming scene while cycling through the well-to-do area of Hampstead, London.

Adds David: “The completely knackered fence is in front of an overgrown plot and right next door to a well looked-after house (possibly owned by old folk who are convinced the neighbourhood has gone to ruin.”)

This disgraceful eyesore of a fence is owned by a firm of architects. A profession dedicated to the art of landscaping!

This disgraceful eyesore of a fence is owned by a firm of architects. A profession dedicated to the art of landscaping!

Meanwhile, Alison was a bit perplexed by this note (and the seemingly undisturbed hedge below) in West Hampstead. “I stared at the hedge for ages trying to work out what was wrong with it,” she says. “Finally I just took a picture and ran away.”

We apologise for the state of this hedge. It is the result of an act of vandalism by a resident in this building. We are taking action.

We apologise for the state of this hedge. It is the result of an act of vandalism by a resident in this building. We are taking action.

related: An eye for an eye, an eyesore for an eyesore

extra credit: An American’s Guide to Britishisms [effingpot.com]

Tags: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · London · public shaming · there goes the neighborhood · vandalism

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