Joe in Northern Virginia has amassed a pretty divine collection of office fridge notes over the years, the best of which portend various forms of karmic/economic/physical retribution.

related: It must have been a pretty big bite

Tourist traps have the best signs. More proof? This exercise in subtlety is from Provincetown, Mass., where it was spotted by intrepid vacationer Teresa from Boise.

Exhibit b) is from Washington, D.C., in a store Sam says sold “all sorts of crap, from Nixon and Michael Jackson pins to African drums and sweaters.”

And in Las Vegas, even “the ice cream of the future” doesn’t get a special exemption.

This just in: starving unborn children aren’t the only casualties of office fridge lunch thievery. As one anonymous New Yorker reports, now the sick and the infirm are being picked off, too!

(Thank you kindly? Best wishes? Hungry on the 12th floor, you kill me.)

Says our anonymous contributor from Los Angeles: “This is page three (!) of a three-page letter of complaints from my wife’s (ex) office manager to the heads of the company.” Apparently one of her co-workers, Jake, merited his own page. (No word on how this went over with the bosses.)

“You know when you drink so much that you can’t remember what you did the night before?” asks our anonymous Scottish pizza bandit. “Sometimes we’re lucky enough to encounter certain things which trigger memories of our alcohol-fueled rampage. I was lucky enough to come across this the next day.”

As this example from Winston-Salem, N.C. shows: hell hath no fury like a lactose-loving office worker.

The thief might be depending on the fridge’s contents as a source of food, but mercy? Don’t count on it.

The Coast newspaper in Halifax recently invited its readers to share their “passive-aggressive roommate tales.” (Gee, what a novel idea!)

My favorite part:

Excerpts from a 34-point note sent to a former roommate:

2. Your rent was always late and it was not paid in full.

4. You used the dishes and baking ware that we provided to you and often did not clean them, left them to ruin, or left them for someone else to clean because you were too busy rushing out the door to go party when you had all day off. If you have all day off, do something more than try to find someone, anyone to hang out with that night that just so happens to have a car and is willing to pick your lazy ass up.

22. Your friends have no right to use and mess up our bathroom. You have your own, it’s part of your room. Also, if they are going to be putting fruit remains in our garbage can, have them removed before they rot. While we’re on the subject…

23. Fruit flies. Need I say more?

25. We were quite upset that you didn’t buy us anything for Christmas worth more than $3. It’s not the money really, but $1.50 each, that’s just insulting. We noticed that week you borrowed money from your current fling to go out and party. I hope you did buy a self-help book at Chapters like you said you were planning.

29. When people have to work very early in the morning, like at 5am, it’s not very nice to have your loud-mouthed boyfriend chatting with you all night, take it somewhere else. Like his mom’s house where he still lives…

30. The clogged toilet thing, you got off easy on that one. Plumbing and property damage is a lot more important than rushing out the door to hang out with your friends. Prioritize.

33. The comment you made about being the type of person who can’t live with someone is something you should take serious consideration of. How are you going to continue living your faux Sex and the City lifestyle if your goal in life is to find a man you can live with, and if you are not the type of person that can actually live with someone?” B.M.

Full story here; another choice excerpt after the jump.

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Meric spotted this sign in melbourne while going to the launderette a few doors down. The bizarre thing, says Meric, is that it’s in a shop window. “I have no idea what kind of dastardly person would steal poor Dave’s bananas, but every time I walked past it I laughed so much a little bit of wet came out.”

Meric adds, “I left Australia in August, so I’m not sure if it’s still there. But these pictures were taken in June on Nicholson Street, Carlton North, Melbourne if anyone from around there would like to check up and see.” P-A detective squad, Melbourne bureau: consider yourselves on the case.

Meanwhile, Sarah in Alexandria says she faced a similar disappearing Coke problem at her office. “At first I tried keeping them all in the box with a large note on the outside opening with my name on it. Apparently that wasn’t enough because cans were still ending up missing, so I added to the note ‘please do not drink’ because maybe someone thought I was leaving my name there so that they would know who to thank (or not to thank, rather) for the free Cokes. Cans were still being taken though, so I decided to resort to the only tactic I have ever known to work on assholes who have no regard whatsoever for others: I threatened their own well-being.”

Adds Sarah, “I actually did lick the cans too, and I was genuinely sick. After that note, I was able to enjoy my Cokes without having to worry. The only person who this tactic has yet to work on is my dad.”