Entries Tagged as 'God'

What if God were a cyclist?

September 15th, 2014 · No Comments

Glen found this magnificent notice attached to a lamppost on 4th & Jackson in San Jose.

Stolen!!! You stole my bike! Yeah you did. You came up and grabbed it and knew exactly where it was so I know your (sic) around this 'hood! Seen me riding it before too huh!?! Just wait till (sic) I see YOU riding it! I'll call the cops real quick homie! Oh wait, you sold it? Not likely, it didn't ride very well and the parts were hella old. Doubt anyone wants it anyway, probably won't get you that much. So just bring it back and I'll give you some recyclables. Turn to doing good or face the wrath of GOD!!!

related: I hope you step on a Lego!

Tags: bicycle · God · San Jose · spelling and grammar police

New York City? Get a rope.

July 30th, 2014 · 76 Comments

Our submitter just moved to a small town in South Dakota, and says that seeing this “edited” ad at a diner was the biggest culture shock she’s had yet! “As an art teacher,” she writes, “I was irritated that someone would try so hard to dissuade some kids from pursuing what sounds like a pretty cool experience.”

New York City? Get a rope.

 

related: Hey, redneck

Tags: God · schools & teachers · small town living · spelling and grammar police

A wife of noble character…does all the dishes?

April 16th, 2014 · 97 Comments

Writes Julia, a student at an evangelical university in Indiana: “In our graduate student offices, there are more crusty dishes and microbial communities to be found than in the labs next door. After four weeks of mugs, oatmeal bowls and lunch containers had built up, one lad took the most effective course of action and posted this encouraging note for us single ladies to know what it takes to catch ourselves a guy just like him.”

A wife of noble character, who can find?... She sets about her work vigorously; her arms strong for the tasks... She watches over the affairs [dishes] of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Proverbs 31 selections, NIV

related: Life at a Christian college

Tags: battle of the sexes · dishes · God

Is it really Baby Jesus stealing season again already?

November 18th, 2013 · 99 Comments

It’s not even Thanksgiving yet, but as Rachel in Victoria, B.C. noticed, nativity scenes are already becoming crime scenes.

I hate to say that and most of you may not even believe it, but there are people they steal

related: Baby Jesus is AWOL

Tags: British Columbia · Christmas · Jesus · most popular notes of 2013 · stealing · warning

Could you please tone down your atheism?

July 9th, 2013 · 135 Comments

Matt found this note outside his house in Minneapolis, and says he hasn’t the slightest idea what sort of “godless activities” Barb & Tom could be hinting at.

Hi! We're your new neighbors! Our little girl is very young and impressionable and we would like to know if you could tone down your godless activities when she's home from school. Thanx so much! Barb & Tom

related: Risky business

Tags: God · most popular notes of 2013 · neighbors · Won't somebody think of the children?

Hellfire & arthritis

April 21st, 2013 · 45 Comments

An eye for an eye, I understand. But a flower for joint inflammation?

You stole my sunflowers? God punished you with ARTHRITIS! Cheers!

(Thanks to Sandra in Los Angeles for submitting!)

related: No, He uses Vaseline.

Tags: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · God · Los Angeles · stealing

It helps to have friends in high places

December 9th, 2012 · 42 Comments

Writes Rob in Brighton: “We live on a middle-class urban street with too many cars and people who think they have a God-given right to a place. Sometimes people push their luck and make life difficult for others with their parking, and hilarity ensues.” One Sunday, Father Kevin even got in on the action…followed by his boss.

You have parked your car like an idiot!  You are blocking the (obvious) entrance to the Church Car Park — today (Sunday) it would be in continuous use. You've parked well on to the double yellow line. —Father Kevin (Parish Priest)   You are Forgiven. Love, Jesus

Meanwhile, in South Carolina…

Everytime you steal this parking spot you kill a kitten Do you want to be a kitten killer? Jesus is watching

related: Your car has been “baptized”

Tags: Jesus · parking · U.K.

Teacher says, every time a bell rings…

November 20th, 2012 · 39 Comments

“There have been a lot of missionaries coming to our apartment building lately,” our submitter says, and apparently the occupants of Unit 307 have had enough of it. Adds our submitter: “I thought the Jesus Band-aids were a nice touch.”

Ringing this bell and/or knocking WILL result in signing your sell off to Satan. Blessings, #307

related: You will be CURSED if you wake my sleeping baby!

Tags: California · God · Jesus · knocking

The Shark Week Scriptures

September 16th, 2012 · 58 Comments

Spotted by Rebecca in a women’s dorm at an evangelical college in St. Louis, Missouri…

Jesus shed his blood for me, so you don't have to as well. Wrap your pad! P.S. We know who you are, nasty!

related post:

What Would Jesus Steal?

Tags: bathroom · bodily fluids · college life · hygiene · Jesus · message to all intended for one · St. Louis · that's disgusting · TMI

Doo unto others

August 26th, 2012 · 24 Comments

This Sunday’s scatological sermon comes to us from Heather in Denver, Colorado:

Poo unto others as you would have them poo unto you.

With a special reading from Lisa in Houston, Texas:

Don't forget to put used toilet paper in the toilet. Please, keep my Father's house clean!

related: A nasty twist on “Man bites Dog”

 

Tags: Denver · God · Houston · shit · toilet · toilet paper