Entries Tagged as 'Jesus'

Our Lady of Passive-Aggression

September 27th, 2011 · 35 Comments

“My friend and her mother have little exchanges like this via Facebook all the time,” says our anonymous submitter. “It’s always lovely to get these little peeks into their relationship.”

Mom: Well, I know you didn't go to church to worship but I am very pleased to see you have at least been inside one since you got there. This is very pretty.

related: Best wishes, godless heathens!

Tags: Facebook · guilt trip · Jesus · Mother-daughter notes

So NOT where I thought that one was going…

July 24th, 2011 · 49 Comments

Writes Stacey in Massachusetts: “The church around the corner from my house is famous for the little rants on their sign, but this one definitely takes the cake.” Obviously, texting while driving isn’t cool, but as Stacey put it: “For a church, it just seems a bit…hostile.”

Love Jesus? To meet him now, text while driving!

Meanwhile, I just opened up the August issue of Texas Monthly to see this slightly more gently worded version…

related: Sincerely, God

extra credit: Church sign generator

Tags: driving · Jesus · Massachusetts · questionable logic · reverse psychology · rhetorical question · text message

Are you ready for your Rapture party?

May 20th, 2011 · 45 Comments

Stephanie in Kansas City, Missouri found this warning posted on the fridge after lunch today:

Whoever eat [sic] my pizza today....remember Rapture is coming tomorrow!!!!

Around the same time, this note showed up on an office coffee-maker in Washington, D.C.:

This machine is out of service. Ordinarily, we would have called for technical support. However, given the impending end of the world, we felt that was unnecessary. If the world is still here on Monday, technical support will be called then.

Meanwhile, Ashley in Greenville, North Carolina forwards this example of a veiled threat, atheist-style:

Every time you leave the soap in the sink Richard Dawkins prays to Jesus...

related: Remember, God is watching you!

Tags: bathroom · coffee · D.C. · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Jesus · Kansas City · North Carolina · pizza · roommates · soap · stealing · washing your hands

Hey, look! A coffee pot!

May 13th, 2011 · 80 Comments

This isn’t the first “coffee-maker etiquette” flowchart I’ve seen, but it is the most aesthetically pleasing.

Says Sarah in St. Louis: “The IT department in our office is notorious for drinking the last of the coffee without making more.” (Note the subtle “I heart C++” mug.) Apparently, one of her co-workers thought breaking things down into engineer-speak might help.

Hey, look! A coffee pot!

Meanwhile, in Toledo, Ohio…a variation tailored to a slightly different audience:

What would Jesus do...if there were only this much coffee left in the pot? *He would brew more!

related: Passive-aggressive flowcharts

Tags: coffee · etiquette · flow chart · Jesus · most popular notes of 2011 · office · St. Louis · Toledo · visual aids

Jesus is my copilot…and my home security system.

March 17th, 2011 · 75 Comments

Gloria in Pennsylvania spotted this warning — sort of a New Testament twist on the old “lamb’s blood on the doorpost” trick — posted on a neighbor’s apartment door.

You - trying to get in: This Household is protected by the blood of Jesus. The LORD Rebuke You. Isaiah 54:17; Psalm 91; Malachie 3:11-12. How is it that you are NOT afraid to come against God's Anointed???

Now, maybe it’s because I’m a godless heathen, but if I ever took up a life of crime, I think I might find this sign from a West Virginia convenience store (as photographed by Matt in Brooklyn) just a bit more convincing.

Attention burglars I sleep here if you break in you will be shot and may die

related: When sleeping, you will get burned and die immediately!

Tags: God · Jesus · most popular notes of 2011 · not-so-veiled threats · Pennsylvania · questionable logic · stealing · warning · West Virginia

Best wishes, godless heathens!

October 27th, 2010 · 94 Comments

Although at first glance this card might seem pretty harmless, our submitter in Sacramento says she’s had enough experience with her new husband’s ultra-religious cousins to be able to read between the lines. (Just add “…before you’re both condemned to eternal damnation” to the end of the last sentence and you’ll get the idea.)

Though we were saddened that you didn't marry in the church we are still happy for you. May God guide you in your new life together. May you have many years of wedding [sic] bliss.

Adds our bristling bride: “I felt like telling her she could keep her $50 and her guilt trip, too, but decided I would have my revenge by having a long, happy, secular marriage instead.”

related: Waiting for the Rapture (and/or a thank you note)

extra credit: the front of the card

Tags: family · Jesus · love & marriage · Sacramento · signed with love

God’s word is…well, a little confusing, at least for a 7-year-old.

July 18th, 2010 · 49 Comments

Larissa in Tacoma, Washington recently sent her 7-year-old son, Silas, to a week of Bible camp. When he came home, Larissa says, she wondered if the experience hadn’t left him a bit…conflicted…especially after seeing the pillow he made during craft time.

(“Rouls,” by the way, is not Silas’s last name. That’s the 7-year-old spelling of “RULES.”)

Silas [rules] —  God's Word is Comforting —  DOOM

Meanwhile, I can see how the sign below, from a candy store in Rayne, Louisiana — which I assume was intended to deter this theft — could easily send a particular type of child into a tailspin of religious guilt.

Is God smiling? How do I know if God’s smiling? Does God like chocolate? I don’t think chocolate’s in the Bible. But Proverbs says: ‘My child, eat honey, for it is good.’ So maybe I should get a Bit o’ Honey instead. But a Bit o’ Honey costs more than 50 cents, and Mom said I could only spend 50 cents. So then I’d be dishonoring my parents, and that wouldn’t make God happy. So maybe I should…maybe I should….[bursts into tears]

Remember...God is watching you. Is He smiling or is He sad?

related: What Would Jesus Do for a Klondike Bar?

Tags: candy · God · guilt trip · Jesus · kids · Louisiana · not so much passive-aggressive · retail hell · Tacoma

(use side door)

April 2nd, 2010 · 68 Comments

Ready for Easter, Christians of the world? Well, we’ve just got a bit of Holy Week housekeeping to take care of first.

ATTENTION - ALTAR GUILD  Please pour unused wine on ground outside (use side door). Pastor has requested that it be disposed of in this manner, because it is the consecrated blood of Jesus Christ. IT SHOULD NOT BE POURED IN THE SINK.

We will be opening at 2:00pm on... Sundays!!! (Go to church.) Thanks, Mama Kim

And a Good Friday to you!

related: The Easter Bunny is so passive-aggressive

Tags: Jesus

If you could summarize BYU culture in one note…

February 7th, 2010 · 92 Comments

At least a half-dozen submitters (including Spencer, Kelsae, and Mark) would pick this one — from a pizzeria in Provo, Utah.

“For those who don’t know, “lower kingdoms” comes from Mormon theology, where they believe that people are sorted out into three kingdoms instead of the traditional heaven and hell option,” Kelsae says.

Adds Spencer: “There’s a stack of plastic cups in the public’s reach for use either for water or soda, depending on whether you paid or not. The influence this business avers on final judgment, combined with overt Mormon theology  (the the staff signatures include both Captain Moroni and Nephite #2) made me both wince and chuckle.”

PLEASE BE HONEST AND PAY FOR YOUR DRINKS  BESIDES, IS IT REALLY WORTH $1.59 TO SPEND ETERNITY IN ONE OF THE LOWER KINGDOMS?  YOUR INTEGRITY MATTERS MOST WHEN IT COMES TO THE "LITTLE" DISHONESTIES [sic]. SO THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION! P.S. REFILLS ARE FREE! f you could pick one picture to summarize the culture at BYU...

related: nosy Provo neighbors

Tags: beverages · Jesus · Provo · restaurant · Utah · you're like so going to hell

Theo(logical) fallacy

January 26th, 2010 · 185 Comments

Joel in Glendale, California was raised in a religious Christian family, and apparently someone let it slip to his grandmother (bless her heart!) that he’s — gasp!— an atheist. Aaaaand…let the backhanded compliments begin!

Dear Joel, I have heard that you say you're an athesis [sic]. I don't believe that because you have so many Christian qualities. You are honest, loyal, kind and giving- not to mention handsome and extremely talented. (Now —Those are gifts from God!) Please use this check to have a great New Years day Breakfast.

Dear Joel, I have heard that you say you’re an athesis [sic]. I don’t believe that because you have so many Christian qualities. You are honest, loyal, kind and giving- not to mention handsome and extremely talented. (Now —Those are gifts from God!) Please use this check to have a great New Years day Breakfast.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Adds Joel: “I’d like to point out that she mailed me this check for $20 after I asked her not to send me money and she promised she wouldn’t. Lying isn’t very Christian, Grandma!”

related: Waiting for the Rapture (and/or a thank you note)

Tags: a little patronizing · family · Grandma · Jesus · old folks