Entries Tagged as 'God'

If you could summarize BYU culture in one note…

February 7th, 2010 · 92 Comments

At least a half-dozen submitters (including Spencer, Kelsae, and Mark) would pick this one — from a pizzeria in Provo, Utah.

“For those who don’t know, “lower kingdoms” comes from Mormon theology, where they believe that people are sorted out into three kingdoms instead of the traditional heaven and hell option,” Kelsae says.

Adds Spencer: “There’s a stack of plastic cups in the public’s reach for use either for water or soda, depending on whether you paid or not. The influence this business avers on final judgment, combined with overt Mormon theology  (the the staff signatures include both Captain Moroni and Nephite #2) made me both wince and chuckle.”

PLEASE BE HONEST AND PAY FOR YOUR DRINKS  BESIDES, IS IT REALLY WORTH $1.59 TO SPEND ETERNITY IN ONE OF THE LOWER KINGDOMS?  YOUR INTEGRITY MATTERS MOST WHEN IT COMES TO THE "LITTLE" DISHONESTIES [sic]. SO THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION! P.S. REFILLS ARE FREE! f you could pick one picture to summarize the culture at BYU...

related: nosy Provo neighbors

Tags: beverages · Jesus · Provo · restaurant · Utah · you're like so going to hell

Theo(logical) fallacy

January 26th, 2010 · 185 Comments

Joel in Glendale, California was raised in a religious Christian family, and apparently someone let it slip to his grandmother (bless her heart!) that he’s — gasp!— an atheist. Aaaaand…let the backhanded compliments begin!

Dear Joel, I have heard that you say you're an athesis [sic]. I don't believe that because you have so many Christian qualities. You are honest, loyal, kind and giving- not to mention handsome and extremely talented. (Now —Those are gifts from God!) Please use this check to have a great New Years day Breakfast.

Dear Joel, I have heard that you say you’re an athesis [sic]. I don’t believe that because you have so many Christian qualities. You are honest, loyal, kind and giving- not to mention handsome and extremely talented. (Now —Those are gifts from God!) Please use this check to have a great New Years day Breakfast.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Adds Joel: “I’d like to point out that she mailed me this check for $20 after I asked her not to send me money and she promised she wouldn’t. Lying isn’t very Christian, Grandma!”

related: Waiting for the Rapture (and/or a thank you note)

Tags: a little patronizing · family · Grandma · Jesus · old folks

Right, He just went round the corner for a quick nip.

December 25th, 2009 · 50 Comments

Writes Sara in Cardiff, Wales: “Around this time last year, I noticed that the Jesus had been stolen from this city centre church’s nativity scene. The church is surrounded by pubs and, as it can get quite messy in Cardiff on the weekend, it’s no surprise Jesus went AWOL. About a week later, the note was still up, and someone had replaced ‘Jesus’ with an old naked ragdoll.”

DESPITE HIS ENEMIES, JESUS WILL BE COMING BACK SOON

(And can I just repeat how much I love this Wikipedia entry? It’s the Christmas gift that keeps on giving.)

related: What if someone like you had stolen Baby Jesus’s Lean Cuisine?

extra credit: Someone stole Baby Jesus

Tags: CAPS LOCK · Christmas · holiday spirit · Jesus · Wales

The Trans-Hadean Orchestra

December 22nd, 2009 · 201 Comments

At college, more often than not, your sex life is everybody’s business. But don’t worry…it’s for your own good! For example, the writer of this first note (as spotted by Ashley at Missouri State) displays a heartwarming concern for her dorm-mate’s physical safety.

You and your boyfriend need to tone down the devil's orchestra that EVERYONE could hear in the middle of the day! Save yourself the embarassment. Sincerely, Someone who is hoping you use protection

And as Vic and his friends at Arizona State’s Barrett Honors College discovered, a group calling themselves “the Gods of ASU” has even deeper concerns….the fate of your everlasting soul!!!

It's getting pretty nippy outside, but don't keep warm with PRE-MARITAL SEX or you'll have plenty of heat IN HELL! Be righteous, Barrett.

related: “I know that it’s really none of my business, but…I’m going to tell you what I think anyway.”

Tags: Arizona · college life · Jesus · Missouri · MYOB · sex sex sex · unsolicited feedback

“What if someone like you had stolen Baby Jesus?”

December 16th, 2009 · 214 Comments

As this note from Columbus, Ohio demonstrates, ’tis the season to be hilariously self-righteous!

Dear Sir (or Madam), While taking things that do not belong to you, at any point in the year, is highly unacceptable, doing so during the Christmas season is far more dissapointing [sic]. I mean, what if someone like you had stolen Baby Jesus? You would have ruined the whole holiday instead of just mine by taking my delicious Lean Cuisines (yes plural). All I can say is that you have now doomed yourself to at best a lump of cole [sic] + at worst Salmonella! Happy Holidays, Theif [sic]!!

related: All I want for Christmas

extra credit: Baby Jesus Theft [Wikipedia]
Roundup of stolen Baby Jesus reports [Wonkette]
Baby Jesus found! [FOUND Magazine]

Tags: Christmas · Columbus · holiday spirit · i before e · Jesus · office fridge · rhetorical question · spelling and grammar police · stealing · TL;DR

Waiting for the rapture (and/or a thank you note)

November 5th, 2009 · 159 Comments

Writes Ben in Snohomish, Washington: “We visit my aunt the same amount we visit the rest of our extended family, but for some reason she takes it personally that we don’t do so daily. She took the occasion of my son’s 11th birthday to take a shot at us.”

passiveaggressivenotes.com: birthday card - waiting for the second coming (and/or a thank you note)

related: my condolences on your birthday

Tags: birthday · family · guilt trip · Jesus · most popular notes of 2009 · old folks · Washington state

Jerk-o-lanterns

October 29th, 2009 · 157 Comments

Chris in Valdosta, Georgia came home last Halloween Eve to find this friendly reminder taped to every mailbox in his quiet little cul-de-sac. (“It’s a little worse for wear,” Chris explains, “because I ripped it off and stomped it on a few times before scanning it.”)

A reminder from your neighborhood preacher

The underlying message, interestingly enough, actually isn’t all that different from this one, by an unhappy Halloween celebrant in Somersworth, New Hampshire.

Whoever stole my Pumpkin, I hope you ROTT [sic] IN HELL.

Meanwhile, Jake in Grand Rapids, Michigan came home last Halloween to this glowing display in his living room. “Apparently my roommate and his girlfriend had spent all day working on them,” Jake says. “I don’t think he was mad at me for any one particular thing, but he did this sort of thing on a fairly regular basis…which made living with him pretty entertaining.”

FUCK YOU JAKE...DIE

related: Pumpkin with a death wish

Tags: Halloween · holiday spirit · Jesus · roommates · you're like so going to hell

Sympathy for the Devil

October 4th, 2009 · 146 Comments

This good-humored e-mail was send out to the entire staff of an elementary school…IN HELL!

(click the image below to enlarge)

Turns out she was a vampire herself

related: What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?

Tags: all-staff e-mail · God · guilt trip · ice cream · schools & teachers · stealing · you're like so going to hell

So much for that whole fasting thing…

September 27th, 2009 · 173 Comments

Jen in Tallahassee, Florida found this posted on the fridge in her synagogue’s kitchen. “We’ve tried many things to prevent missing food from this refrigerator,” Jen says. “we’ve even installed a lock so that only certain people with keys can get into the refrigerator…and yet, the problem continues.”

A note from Adonai: I am watching! Do not eat items that are not yours. During Yom Kippur, past transgressions will be forgiven. Don't do it again!

related: the PANtheistic approach

Tags: God · heart · holiday spirit

Wishin’ and hopin’

September 24th, 2009 · 120 Comments

When dealing with anonymous strangers, there’s no point in playing coy about your hopes and dreams. Tell us, kids, what do you REALLY want?

I hope your baseball team never wins another world series for the rest of your life

I hope you get the runs!

I hope your spouse leaves you for your best friend

I hope you catch on fire

Hope your balls fall off!

I hope God will kill you in a car crash before you get to your house

related: I hope your cat chokes

Tags: die bitch die · God · more aggressive than passive · not-so-veiled threats · office fridge · stealing